How To Get A Girl To Text You Back When She Is Ignoring You

Feeling ignored by someone you're interested in romantically can hurt – especially when you thought things were going well.  One minute you have great banter with the love interest of your dreams, and then suddenly, it seems that she's ignoring you. Is she interested in you? Is she ghosting you? Should you keep messaging her, or is it better to leave her alone? These are all valid questions worth that we’ll examine in this article.

Is she really ignoring you?

When the girl you’re interested in stops texting you back, it’s often natural to assume that they are ignoring you. However, that might not be what's going on.  

We all have different texting styles. Some people text back quickly, whereas others take a couple of hours on average. Some people turn their phones off or on silent when they're at work, school, socializing, sleeping, etc. Some people even intentionally wait a couple of days to text someone back so they don’t seem too excited and scare the texter off – i.e., playing hard to get. The truth is that there's no universal rule for how often to text someone you are interested in. It depends on who you are, who they are, and what the dynamic of the relationship is like overall.

That said, if it has been a few days and they haven’t responded, there are things you should and shouldn’t do. 

Keep the conversation fresh and new

If the one you like hasn’t responded to your recent text, you don't have to trace back to what you were talking about before. That topic has probably passed in terms of relevancy, so it's time to move on and start a new conversation. 

Asking a question is a good way to get a response. Remember, just like in person, asking open-ended questions – i.e., ones that can’t be answered with just a yes or no – is a great way to get a more detailed response. Something simple like "what's been going on with you?" or a question about what they’re interested in or the kinds of things that they might like to do. For example, you could ask, "Are there any new movies that you're interested in seeing?" This also makes it easier  to ask them out. 

Avoid passive-aggressiveness

You're not going to get them to text you back if you say something like "I can see that you're busy." In fact, that may push them away further. Rather than commenting on how busy they must be or how they haven’t replied to you, ask what's been going on in their life. It's always good to show interest in the other person's life; people are attracted to that because it shows genuine interest and care. For example, you might send a quick text to ask, "What'd you do this weekend?" or "How have things been going at work?" Show authentic interest. 

Give physical space

If you've been asking the person you like to get together and they haven’t been replying, it might be best not to bring up getting together next time you send a text. There are many reasons they might not want to meet up, and it may have nothing to do with you. They could legitimately be busy or stressed, they might be going through something difficult, or they might be experiencing social anxiety. It's also worth noting that if you began speaking online and haven't seen each other in person yet, that initial encounter can be scary. There are so many horror stories out there about online dating that they might be nervous and need more time to get to know you. 

Instead, change the subject. Talk about something light hearted so that you can chat more, building up to asking them out on a date again in the future. If you are trying to win your girlfriend back over text and they’re still not responding, don't pressure them and give a little more time.

Keep it positive

It's important to keep the conversation light and positive. There's nothing wrong with a sarcastic quip here and there, but make sure that you don't spend most of the time complaining or making snide remarks about things. Insert some humor. Remember that life can be stressful and that people like to laugh. If you're kind and engaging when you speak (or text), it's more likely that they'll be at ease around you and want to keep the conversation going.

Texting isn't the end

While texting can be a part of your dynamic, it's not the core of how you communicate with your love interest. Ultimately, the goal is to talk to them in person. Texting is a means to an end. You want to make texting an anticipatory experience. Make them want to see you by engaging in compelling conversations. 

Remember, your relationship won't always consist of texting. The end goal is to see each other in person, so keep that in mind when you go back and forth via text. Asking about movies, music, television, books, and activities that they like can help you connect face-to-face one day. If you can get a sense of what they like, you can gauge what you want to ask them to go out and do in person. You can ask what kind of sports they’re into or what they do in their free time so that you can gain a better sense of who they are and what events they might want to attend.

Use texting to find out more about your love interest

To prepare for a date and know where you want to take them, you can find what sort of local places they like to visit. If you know that they like coffee, for example, you can ask what their favorite coffee place around town is. Ask what they like to do. Are they a night owl who likes to socialize and go bar hopping, or more of an introvert that would prefer a quiet setting? The more that you get to know about them, the easier planning things together will be. That way, you won't be taking a shot in the dark when you ask to hang out, nor will you invite them to an event or activity that they’re entirely uninterested in attending.

Description is powerful

Remember that long texts won't necessarily get someone to engage with you. In fact, writing someone a novel could overwhelm them and is unlikely to get them to text you back. That said, descriptive language can make a world of difference when you text someone. You want to "match" your love interest in terms of how much they're texting you and try to pick up on the vibe that they're sending you. If you write them a paragraph and they send a short sentence back, they might be busy or not have much to say about what you're telling them. That said, descriptive language can be powerful when you're texting someone. If you're a writer, use it to your advantage and use your words.

What the silent treatment means

Being ignored is unpleasant. It may feel like you're getting the silent treatment from the love interest in your life, and that's not fun. Remember, it may not be what it seems. You don't have the full picture, and there are things that you can do if you feel like someone is ignoring you. One thing that you can do is step back and give someone space. 

There's nothing wrong with letting the person do what they must do. It's like that old expression, "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, that person is yours. If they don't, they never were." Give them space and focus on yourself. That way, you'll know if they're interested or not, and you're not pushing them in a way that might make them uncomfortable. 

Remember that people have a lot going on, and sometimes they like the chase. Make sure that you have your own thing going on independent of this person. Not only is that attractive, but it's also healthy for current and future relationships, including the one that you have with yourself.

However, the reality is that they may ignoring you intentionally, and it’s important to accept that and move on. It may be that they aren’t interested in you, or it could just be that the timing was off. Even though it may be hard, the best thing to do in this situation is graciously back off and move on. Do not ask what you did wrong or why they’ve stopped texting you. It likely won’t help. You don’t want to push them away further, and you also deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you. 

Getting help

If you're sensitive to feeling ignored, especially due to past circumstances or trauma, you might believe that you're being ignored when you're not. As hard as it might be, and as important as it is to attend to your feelings personally, make sure that you don't lash out on this person. It's not going to do any good and will only alienate them further. Take a step back if you feel like they're not talking to you as much as you'd like, and don't take it personally. It might have absolutely nothing to do with you.

If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.

While it’s normal to have at least a little fear of rejection, some people take rejection harder than others. If the fear of rejection is negatively impacting your relationships or other aspects of life, a licensed Regain therapist can help you by searching for the underlying causes of your fear, and find better ways to manage or overcome it. People who are particularly sensitive to rejection may also experience other mental health conditions such as depression and anxiety.  Online cognitive behavior therapy – which helps you identify false beliefs and reframe your thoughts – has been found to provide significant improvements in patients with depression and anxiety. Mindfulness, which teaches how to focus on the present without judgement, has also been found to help individuals who fear rejection, as well as those with depression and/or anxiety.  

Therapy is a great place to talk about your communication with a love interest. If you're in a relationship and your overall conversation has gone stale, you can talk to a couples' counselor with your partner. Or if you're single, you can talk to an individual counselor about your concerns related to dating or pursuing people that you're into. The relationship counselors at Regain are experienced in helping people communicate more effectively in their interpersonal relationships.

Takeaway

When a person you’re interested in doesn’t return your texts, it can be upsetting – but there are appropriate and inappropriate ways to respond, and responding the wrong way may very well push them away further. It’s also important to recognize that someone not responding may not mean they are no longer interested in you. There are many reasons why someone may stop texting you, and losing interest is only one of them. If, however, you find yourself feeling confused or hurt by someone who stops texting, a Regain relationship counselor can help you move forward. Reach out today.