How To Get Back At Someone: Is Revenge Really The Answer?

Betrayal verges on unbearable. Whether it is a small betrayal or a large one, feeling betrayed can wreck your self-esteem, obliterate your trust in virtually everything, and create a veritable tsunami of unresolved emotions, anxieties, and uncertainties. Naturally, when you feel betrayed, your mind might wander to the possibility of exacting revenge and forcing the perpetrator to feel exactly what you felt when you were wronged. But is revenge ever truly the answer? Is it possible to get revenge without hurting others and possibly yourself?

What is betrayal?

Betrayal takes on many forms, but some of them are far more harmful than others. It could be considered a betrayal if a coworker leaves your company and goes to your competitor. Still, unless you are directly affected, the feelings of betrayal might not run deep or overwhelm you. Betrayal is an action that double-crosses or gives a reason to eliminate trust between two people. Betrayal can mean selling someone out, or it can mean participating in infidelity.

Ultimately, though, betrayal is worst when it is done by someone you had placed your trust in. Family, friends, and romantic partners are most often the perpetrators of severe betrayal, as these are often the people you trust most in the world and the people from whom you least expect betrayal or cruelty. Although betrayal can be categorized as any behavior or action that warrants the loss of trust, the kind of betrayal that devastates and creates immense, lasting damage is likely to be the type of betrayal that involves a trusting, close relationship.

What is revenge?

Revenge is the act of returning an action for action. If someone steals from you, you will act out your revenge by stealing something from them. If someone cheats, you will cheat, too. If someone talks behind your back, the vengeful response would be to gossip about them. Revenge is the notion that you mete out punishment according to the exact actions that others have taken. For some, revenge is enacted as a means of achieving justice. For others, revenge helps save face and avoid embarrassment. For still others, revenge is little more than a transaction: you mess with me, I mess with you, and the cycle continues.

Still, although revenge seems common place-and even expected, in some circles-it is not necessarily the best possible means of moving forward and coping with betrayal. In fact, some research has shown that revenge can hinder growth and moving forward and can keep you lodged firmly in the past.

The dangers inherent in revenge

Revenge usually seems like a great idea: someone has hurt you, so you hurt them in return. An eye for an eye, and you’ll feel great, right? Unfortunately, this usually is not the case. While revenge might seem like a wonderful means of getting your way, improving your situation, and leaving the past behind you, it can be the best way to make sure you do not move on with your life. So, what exactly are the dangers of revenge?

1) You get stuck in the past

Although revenge is usually seen as a means of moving on with your life, it tends to make people stay firmly lodged in their current situations and can dramatically hinder your attempts to move forward. This is because exacting revenge requires emotional energy and focus; you must plan out exactly how you’re going to get revenge on someone, actually carry out the plan, and anxiously await the aftermath. If it does not go as you’d hoped, you experience yet another source of pain and disappointment.

2) You might not get what you want

You might want revenge in part so that the perpetrator of your betrayal will feel as sad, angry, lost, or confused as you. As nice as that may sound, the fact remains: someone willing to betray you without remorse is likely not going to feel guilty, no matter how many vengeful plots you launch their way. After all, if they were feeling considerate, benevolent, or loving, they would not have betrayed you to begin with. While it might seem like a wonderful ploy to soothe a wounded heart or destroyed ego, it can break your heart more and further tear it into your ego. Ultimately, you are unlikely to get what you want.

3) Your self-esteem deteriorates

Betraying someone who has betrayed you will make you feel guilty, petty, and dissatisfied. If you are tender-hearted or open enough to feel pain at the actions of someone you love, you are likely sensitive enough to recognize the cruelty and folly inherent in betraying someone you love. If you engage in this type of behavior, yourself, regardless of the catalyst, you will likely experience diminished self-esteem, as you know better than to behave in such a way, and you may experience overwhelming feelings of guilt, remorse, and shame-all of which cause further pain and frustration, rather than helping you.

4) You can get yourself into trouble

If your attempts at revenge border on immoral, illegal, or even remotely reprehensible, you might wind up paying in far more than emotional pain or humiliation. Taking justice or revenge into your own hands may be fueled by plenty of righteous anger, but that does not mean that the law, a loved one, or a supervisor will feel the same way. Revenge might get the perpetrator of your betrayal into trouble, but it might land you in hot water, as well.

A better approach

Although revenge might seem like the perfect cocktail to deliver to someone who has betrayed you, revenge is not healing, nor is it eliminating any of the pain you feel. Instead, revenge often opens new avenues of pain and very often fails to elicit the exact response you’d hoped for. A better, more effective approach to healing and “getting back at” someone who has wronged you is often to focus on and heal yourself. Although this is not getting back at someone in the traditional way-making, someone feels as much pain, confusion, or heartbreak as you felt-it allows you to move on and leave that person behind-which is often the best way to level the playing field.

As much as it might hurt, the truth is this: someone who is willing to betray you, devastate you, or seemingly tear you to shreds will not be devastated by anything you might do because they do not experience sincere and lasting love for you. Love is an experience that precludes the ability to harm, attack, or betray viciously, and the presence of these things is ultimately an indicator of a loss of love. That isn’t to say that relationships involving betrayal cannot be fixed, but that your part in repairing a relationship enmeshed in this experience is healing yourself and improving yourself; you cannot force or push anyone else into a state of remorse and regret. All you can do is control yourself, your actions, and the thoughts you are willing to listen to and engage with.

Getting help

To be sure, focusing on and healing yourself can be far easier said than done. Healing after a betrayal takes an immense amount of focus, effort, and time and is not something that comes along lightly or easily. You might be able to heal with months of intensive self-care and the constant support of loved ones, or you might need help from an outside source, such as a therapist or counselor, to work through everything you are feeling and experiencing. Regardless of the exact route, it is important to understand that no one heals in a vacuum. No one overcomes trauma by sheer force of will and a “fake it ’til you make it” attitude. Trauma, betrayal, and heartache are all very real mental and emotional experiences.

If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.

They can all require the intervention of someone trained to deal with these experiences and who can offer a host of resources to fit your unique needs and wants.

The pain of betrayal is immense and intense, and it can feel as though the world around you is crumbling when you discover you have been betrayed. Although it may seem as though revenge is one of the best ways to get over an act of betrayal or one of the most effective ways to heal your aching heart, seeking revenge can essentially stunt your emotional growth. It can perpetuate a cycle of pain, revenge, and additional pain. Unpleasant as it may seem, and unfair as it may appear, the best way to heal, move forward, and leave the pain behind is to practice forgiveness and self-care-which doesn’t allow for revenge plots or dedication to making someone pay for their mistakes.

Learning forgiveness might also require some outside help-particularly if you grew up with a certain worldview or belief system that felt revenge is the only truly viable option when a wrong has been committed. Although it may be far more difficult and may even seem impossible at times, revenge is not the answer to betrayal. A generous helping of time, therapy, patience, and perseverance are more effective answers to healing and will leave you stronger, healthier, and happier than before.

Counselor reviews

“He’s amazing - he’s gotten me through some tough times and reminds me I’m not made of super human strength - that I’m human with normal emotions and it is in fact okay to cry. He has been an amazing support through a horrible breakup.”

“I don’t know what I would have done without Harry. I was in a super low place and I was not sure what my problems were or how to solve them, but he was able to help me get to the bottom of my problems and work through them. Today I am happy and feeling like myself again. He was so easy to talk to and worked with me whenever I needed him. Even on vacation he took time to call me and talk through whatever I was going through. I would highly recommend him.”