How To Get Over An Affair And Strengthen Your Relationship

Infidelity can take a heavy toll on a relationship, and not every relationship can survive the anger, hurt, and distrust it brings with it. The decision of whether to stay together or part ways is a deeply personal one, and what feels right for one couple may not feel right for another. 

If a couple decides that they want to keep the relationship going, then it will likely require some intentional effort from both individuals, but it is possible to get over the affair and ultimately strengthen the relationship. In this article, we’ll offer several tips for how to get over an affair by looking at advice for both the person who cheated and the person who was cheated on. Read on to learn how to strengthen the bond between you and your partner so your relationship can grow after infidelity.

How to get past an affair

Affairs can affect both partners individually and as a couple. And if the couple has children, they may be adversely affected by the affair as well. Even if the affair is not explicitly mentioned to them, children will likely pick up on the tensions it has caused and be impacted by them.

Making your relationship work after an affair is not an easy task, and not all couples are interested in putting in the effort it requires. But, if both individuals are interested and committed to putting in the work to mend the relationship, it is possible to move forward and build a stronger bond. Below, we’ll explore tips for getting past an affair, separated by advice for the person who was cheated on and advice for the person who cheated.

Advice for the uninvolved partner

If you were the person who was cheated on by your partner, consider some of the tips below:

Allow yourself to grieve

The grieving process is often necessary whenever we experience any loss. After an affair, you may be grieving the loss of the relationship as you had thought of it previously. There is also the loss of the future you had envisioned with our partner. Even if you decide to stay together, your vision of the future as a couple may be affected by memories of the affair. Allowing yourself to go through the possible stages of grief may help you to accept what has happened and what you have lost, and then feel more ready to move on with your life.

Face your emtions

Trying to hide or deny the anger, hurt, and range of other emotions an affair causes can lead to them intensifying. It can also lead to stress, which can have a range of negative effects on us emotionally, mentally, and physically. Consider keeping a journal to write down your thoughts and how you feel as you try to process the emotions brought on by the affair. It may also help to talk to someone you trust and who will listen to you pour your heart out without judgment while encouraging you to take the necessary steps toward healing.

Reach out for support

Infidelity is not a rare occurrence. There are others out there who have cheated and who have been cheated on. Consider joining a support group of people who are also trying to move beyond the effects of cheating. You may discover ways others have used to help them cope and move on with their lives. Meeting others in a similar situation may also help you to feel less alone. 

Focus on yourself

It can be easy to become consumed by all the negative emotions brought on by the affair. Try to spend time doing uplifting things to improve your outlook and to help you to relax. Take up a new hobby or learn a new skill. Get out and about in nature and become more physically active—fresh air and exercise are good for your body, and they help improve your mood, too. Try to set aside time for doing something just for you, just because you deserve it. And be sure to get enough sleep, too.

Advice for the involved partner

Rebuilding broken trust is one of the main issues facing couples who want to move on together after an affair. Much of the work in this regard falls to the partner involved in the affair, and it can start with taking responsibility for what you have done and the hurt it has caused.

1. Own up to your actions

When trying to move forward, it can be vital for the unfaithful partner to own up to their actions and come clean about them. Casting blame on anyone else (your partner or the person you had an affair with, for instance) can make it seem like you are unwilling to accept that you were at fault. It can be important to realize that no matter the state of your relationship before the affair, you are the one who made the decision to cheat and acted on it. Once you accept responsibility, you may be able to look honestly at why you cheated and the repercussions it has caused.

2. Listen to your partner

As you try to get over the affair, it can also be important to allow your partner to talk about how the affair has affected them. You will have to really listen to what they are saying to grasp how hurt your partner is by the affair. Common feelings could be anger, disappointment, bewilderment, and an urgent need to know "why" the affair happened. If your partner says that they need time on their own to process what has happened, listen to that, too, and give them some space for a while. You can reassure them that you are willing to wait and to begin working on repairing the relationship whenever they are ready.

3. Apologize for the pain you caused

A crucial step for the involved partner in moving past an affair is to apologize, and you will likely have to do this more than once. Your apology should be heartfelt, thoughtful, and clearly state all that you are apologizing for. It can include specific apologies for your partner's ways of telling you they were affected by the affair. It may help to write down your apology so that you can reread and rework it to ensure it says what you really want to say. Along with the apology, you can also ensure that your spouse knows that you are grateful to them for even considering staying in the relationship and giving this another chance.

4. Make a clean break

In many cases, simply ending the affair is not enough. Depending on your situation, the dynamics of the affair, and your partner’s needs, you may determine that you need to end all contact with the person you had an affair with. If this is the case, you may consider letting them know it is over for good, that you have revealed the affair to your partner, and that you are focusing on rebuilding a committed relationship with them. In some cases, you may not be able to fully cut off all contact, but there are still things you can do to create distance. For instance, if your affair was with a coworker, you could ensure that any interaction with them from now on is only for business. 

How to strengthen your relationship after an affair

Beyond these initial individual steps detailed above, there are also steps you two can take as a couple to try to strengthen your relationship after the affair.

Take the time to reconnect

Set aside time for just the two of you when you can both focus solely on each other. During this time, the person who had an affair can emphasize that they are ready to fully recommit to and save the relationship. You can also discuss your hopes for how the relationship will grow after this setback and how each of you can contribute to that growth. Be open, honest, and try to get to know each other on a deeper level to start rebuilding that intimacy.

Seek counseling

If you are trying to come to terms with infidelity's impact on you and your relationship and need support in moving forward, sessions with a licensed therapist can help. The therapist can provide a place for both of you to examine the reasons behind the affair, the effects it has had on your relationship, and the range of emotions you are feeling. They can also guide you both through the grieving process and encourage you as you pursue ways to rebuild trust and reconnect with each other. In fact, research has demonstrated the effectiveness of online therapy for improving both relationship and individual functioning. 

In the aftermath of an affair, some couples may decide that they would like to take some time apart while still working on their relationship. With online therapy through Regain, you and your partner can join the same therapy session from separate locations, so you don’t have to be in the same place if you’d prefer not to be.

Let go

After making it through all the healing process stages, a final step is to let go. Letting go for the person who was cheated on means that even though you may never be able to forget what happened, you have found the capacity to forgive your partner. For the person who cheated, letting go may mean fully recommitting to your partner and not allowing yourself to be forever burdened by guilt.

As a couple, you may need to let go of the past and embrace the present strides you are making in strengthening your relationship. You can then focus on your future together with clarity, hope, and excitement. Different people may work through the effects of an affair in their own way, but often, it takes time, so try to have patience with the process.

Takeaway

If you are trying to move past an affair and strengthen your relationship, you can consider some of the tips and strategies detailed above. For instance, it may help for the person who was cheated on to allow yourself to grieve and reach out for support, and it may help for the person who cheated to listen to your partner and apologize for the pain you caused. For professional support in coping with the impact of an affair and strengthening your relationship, you can connect with a licensed therapist online.