How To Let A Guy Down Easy: Six Tips To Ease The Pain Of Rejection

Although there can be grace and dignity in both the delivery and acceptance of rejection, it does not remove the pain of the experience altogether. But rejecting others is sometimes necessary. No one will be entirely immune to rejection in their lifetime, leaving the necessity of learning how to both deliver and receive a rejection with aplomb.

Why is rejection so painful?

Rejection is painful, even without an intense emotional connection to someone. Someone you are entirely uninterested in could reject you. You will likely feel pain and frustration- not because of lost hope but because rejection speaks primally to human beings and activates the same center of the brain that registers, recognizes, and experiences physical pain. Feeling rejected is not a simple matter of a split-second "no," but an actual trigger for deeply experienced pain.

Much has been said and written about the importance of learning how to deal with rejection, but very little has explored why rejection causes such intense pain and how to deal with rejection once it arrives. Although evolutionary biologists believe the pain of rejection has a survival element to it, as rejection used to be tantamount to a death sentence, other factors are also involved, including the loss of self-esteem and the tendency to dwell in pain and regret.

Letting a guy down easy

Letting someone down easy is a mercy for you both: you can keep your dignity intact in an uncomfortable situation, and the person being let down can leave the interaction without feeling attacked, mocked, or further humiliated. It is important to note that no one comes out of a rejection pain-free, even with the best intentions and most effective communication. In letting someone down easy, your goal is to minimize the feelings that often accompany being rejected, not mitigate those feelings altogether. 

1) Embrace honesty

Honesty is often mistaken for brutal honesty, but the two are different. You can be honest and straightforward with someone without involving brutality or coarse language. Letting a guy down easy can be as simple as saying, "I'm not interested in having a relationship with you." You can give your reasons, or you can leave it at that. But being honest and straightforward simultaneously removes the impulse to wax poetic or further press you and gives you a straightforward means of removing yourself from the situation.

2) Say what you want

A part of being honest is saying what you want. If you want to be friends with someone, but don't want romance, say so! "I would love to have a friendship with you, but I don't want a physical or romantic relationship." It’s great if the person you are letting down can handle the shift in your relationship. If not, they can say so and move on.

3) Keep it between the two of you

Rejection is hard enough without an audience. If you know that you need to have a serious conversation with someone and let them know that you aren't interested in romance or any relationship, make sure you do it in an environment that is at least somewhat safe. 

4) Follow the golden rule

Think about how you'd like to be told there was no possibility of a relationship and tailor your speech accordingly. Putting yourself in the recipient's shoes rather than the instigator can help you find a gentler way to let someone know that you are not interested in pursuing a relationship or want to leave an existing one.

5) Show your face

Texting, emailing, or DMing (direct messaging) someone to let them know that you are breaking up with them or halting the progression of your relationship is usually easier for you but can feel disrespectful to the person you are rejecting. With a few exceptions, rejecting someone in person is difficult but a necessary aspect of behaving in a mature, respectful manner that leaves room for dignity for both of you.

6) Make space for them

Make space for the person you are letting down to feel sad, upset, betrayed, or confused. It is not your responsibility to make sure they are managing their feelings effectively, but letting someone down does involve seeing and experiencing the emotional difficulties of others. Provided that you feel safe, and are being treated with respect, make space for the person you are rejecting, and allow them to express how they are feeling, as well.

A note about safety

In some cases, you might be nervous at the prospect of rejecting someone because that someone has repeatedly behaved in a way that made you feel unsafe. If this is the case, some rules of letting someone down easily should be set aside, such as not speaking in the presence of others and ensuring your interaction is in person. If you feel unsafe, you should always have someone else with you and several people who know where you are and who you are with. Even this can sometimes not offer enough, and a rejection delivered over the phone or online is the safest and most effective option.

It's not easy to know how to someone down in a gentle way, and every situation is different. Here are some examples of how to do it.

• Lead with the bad news, then encourage them to hope. Tell them, " I don't want to continue our relationship. I know there's someone special out there for you."

• End a long-term relationship without making them feel like the past years have been a mistake. You could say, "I treasure the time we spent together. But things have changed. I've realized that I no longer want to be in this kind of relationship with you."

• Let them know if friendship is still an option. In this case, you can say, "I don't want to see you as a boyfriend anymore, but I admire and like you as a friend. I'll be happy to keep a friendship with you if you feel comfortable with that."

Support is available for navigating difficult situations

Letting someone down easy and being a pushover are two very different things, but they are often equated. Letting someone down easy does not mean using confusing, unsure, or vague language, as this can perpetuate a relationship you have no interest in being in. Far from making you a “doormat,” letting someone down easily allows you both to move on from the situation with your health and self-esteem largely intact. Because romantic relationships (and friendships) can leave lasting wounds when they end in traumatic, overwhelming, or closure-free ways, it is essential for both of you that all endings are definitive and clear.

If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.

Letting someone down easily can quickly turn into waffling if you are unsure of yourself or easily swayed by others' opinions. For instance, if you tell someone you've been on two dates with that you aren’t interested in going out again, and they try to pressure you into another date, you may feel tempted to give in and go out again, even though you know you won’t enjoy it.

If you have a history of being in lackluster relationships or accommodating others to make them happy at your expense, it might be wise to meet with a counselor or therapist before sitting down and having the "let down" conversation. 

A therapist can help you navigate the difficulties in staying your course and assist you in coming up with tools and ideas to make sure that you can feel calm, confident, and resolute in your decisions to avoid falling into the trap of waffling or consenting to something you do not want to do. Letting someone down easy is kind, but allowing yourself to stay in a relationship you want no part of is perhaps unkind to yourself.

Therapy is useful in many circumstances where you may need an objective point of view and pointers on handling difficult situations in daily life- not just those related to relationships. Despite its benefits, only some people who need it seek the help of a therapist. This is usually because of scheduling conflicts, accessibility challenges, and financial concerns. But issues of societal and familial stigma can get in the way, too, and some people may feel uncomfortable meeting with a therapist face to face or encountering others in a waiting room. 

In cases like these, virtual therapy provides an excellent solution to the barriers many encounter when considering counseling. Platforms like Regain connect people with licensed, accredited mental health professionals specializing in individual and relationship counseling. 

You can speak to a Regain counselor from the comfort of home on your schedule via text, phone, video chat, and online messaging. Online therapy is often more affordable than conventional therapy without insurance, and many studies indicate it’s as effective for treating a wide range of mental health and well-being concerns. 

Takeaway

If you’re ready for a healthier, more balanced outlook on dating and relationships, online counseling with Regain can help.