Managing Passive Aggression: How To Stop Being Passive-Aggressive With Your Partner
Many of us are probably familiar with passive-aggressive behaviors, whether because we’ve experienced them from others, done them to someone else, or both. Being passive-aggressive typically involves indirectly expressing our frustration with someone else to them, rather than telling them directly. It can be a hurtful and unproductive behavior, so if this is something that happens frequently in your relationship, you may want to explore how to address it. In this article, we’ll dive into what passive-aggressive behavior can look like and offer a few suggestions for how to stop doing this in your relationship.
What does it mean to be passive-aggressive?
Before we get to how you can stop being passive-aggressive, though, what exactly are passive-aggressive behaviors?
As defined by the Mayo Clinic, passive-aggressive behavior is “a pattern of indirectly expressing negative feelings instead of openly addressing them.”
Signs of passive-aggressive behavior
Some signs of this behavior can include:
- Having a hostile attitude
- Frequently complaining about being jilted
- Resisting cooperation with the other person
- Resenting and opposing the demands/requests of others.
Understanding passive-aggressive behavior
To further illustrate what passive-aggressive behavior can look like, picture this: You're in the car with your partner driving home in heavy traffic. You two are already frustrated, and then you end up stuck behind a car with engine trouble, and your partner can't get around the stopped car. They're looking back to see when there's an opening, and you notice the car with engine trouble turns on its backup lights and is starting to inch backward, and they also have their hazard lights on. You tell your partner to stop creeping forward, or they'll hit the car ahead of you. You tell them the other car has its backup lights on, and your partner says, "Those aren't backup lights." You're insulted because it seems like your partner assumes you don't know what hazard lights are, and they're mad because you were backseat driving during a tense moment.
Frustrated, you both end up giving each other the cold shoulder, now barely responding when the other speaks. Instead of resolving the feelings, you both use passive aggression to get back at each other.
How to stop being passive-aggressive
If you’re hoping to stop being passive-aggressive with your partner, consider some of the strategies below:
Acknowledge when you have passive aggression
Often a useful first step to putting passive aggression in the past (or at least using it less often) is noticing when you're doing it. In the moment, it might help to ask yourself a few questions:
- What am I feeling?
- How did I get here?
- What would I have liked to happen instead?
- What can I do now?
Asking these questions can help you identify why you're upset enough to act passive-aggressively. You may have also noticed that these questions are introspective rather than looking at who to blame. They allow you to consider what you have control over in the situation, which may make you feel at least a little bit better.
If you don't know why you're upset, you likely can’t effectively communicate with your partner. Before you engage with your partner, it may help to ask yourself why they bother you and what you can do to change that. If you can nail down why something bothers you, you can create a better discussion with the other person.
In the example given at the start of the article, it might be that you've felt like your partner had been treating you like you were dumb lately. When speaking up, you might say something like,
"When we had the miscommunication about the hazard lights versus backup lights, it made me feel hurt because the story I'm telling myself is that you think I'm stupid."
Starting the conversation with "we" instead of "you" helps address your concerns but can make it feel less like an attack. It can also help to use the language "the story I'm telling myself," because it makes it clear what you’re feeling but also acknowledges that it might be your perception. This leads to another very important question to ask yourself.
Consider: What stories am I creating about our relationship?
Our thoughts and beliefs can have a big influence on what we notice at any given moment. Whatever you give attention to and think about, your brain will likely prioritize.
If you believe your partner thinks you're stupid, your brain may pick out even the smallest details to "prove" this belief. Even if your partner thinks you're one of the smartest people they know, if you believe otherwise, you may twist their words to fit your view.
If you feel like you've created beliefs that make a situation seem worse than it is, you may need to investigate and then change these beliefs. You can do this by shifting your belief slightly at first, and then more and more over time.
Apologize for showing passive-aggressive behavior
Another key step can involve apologizing for your contribution to the situation. You can apologize for what happened during the event (backseat driving) and after (giving the cold shoulder). This may help to reduce the tension you both feel in the moment, and can open up the dialogue for a more productive discussion. Apologizing often allows us to move past our hurt and angry feelings so that we may reach a place of forgiveness.
If you're not ready to apologize or you don't think you can be polite, you may want to take some time to yourself to process the situation. The difference between processing and passive aggression is how they're done. Someone who is being passive-aggressive often does so with revenge in mind. They may turn their back on the other person, glare, and make derogatory noises, or not respond to the other person at all. It's often intended to be hurtful.
Yet, someone who is processing might respond, "I'm not ready to talk about this right now; I'm still thinking about it. Can we talk about this tonight?" This can be helpful for a few reasons. It lets the other person know:
- you need your space
- something is still bothering you
- you're not doing it to spite them
- and you have let them know when you'll be ready to talk about it.
This can help get everyone on the same page and diffuse at least some of the tension.
Have an open conversation with your partner
Next, when you are both ready, you can have a conversation with your partner about what has happened. You can express your thoughts, feelings, and perspective on the situation, and you can ask them to do the same. You can explain why you reacted the way you did, how you interpreted their actions, how you felt at the time, and how you plan to handle things differently in the future.
When they share in response, be sure to practice active listening, and try to be open to what they have to say. Strong communication is often a huge part of a healthy, positive relationship, so you can use this as an opportunity to improve your communication skills with each other and identify ways you can grow together, both individually and as a couple.
Ask how to stop being passive-aggressive in therapy
If you would like further help in addressing passive-aggressive behaviors, you and your partner can work with a licensed therapist for support. Research has shown online couples therapy to be an effective option for a range of concerns, including both relationship satisfaction and individual functioning.
Benefits of online therapy
Plus, if you and your partner are experiencing conflict, you may decide that you want to take a bit of physical time apart while still working on your relationship. With online therapy through Regain, you and your partner can join the same therapy session from separate locations.
Counselor reviews
Read below for counselor reviews from people seeking help with similar concerns:
“Working with Ralph was a great experience for me and my boyfriend. My boyfriend was apprehensive about any form of therapy, but Ralph’s approachable and non-judgmental demeanor made it easier for my boyfriend to be receptive to him. He cited a lot of techniques and had us learn and use them in our communication. What helped a lot was also the small attainable goals he helped us set that we actually achieved, which made us feel productive without feeling overwhelmed. He’s very flexible with his schedule and always checked in to see how we were doing. I would highly recommend him to any couple who could use some guidance.”
“Sessions with Natalie are very insightful and give practical advice on implementing new habits and changes. Be prepared to engage and be challenged to think in a different way. I know that my partner and I can already see improvements in our relationship and feel more positive about working through our issues together.”
Takeaway
If passive-aggressive behavior is a problem in your relationship, you can consider trying some of the strategies detailed above to address it. It may help to acknowledge when you are doing it, consider what stories you’re telling yourself, and have a conversation with your partner. For further help with these and other relationship concerns, an online therapist can help.
Frequently asked questions (FAQs)
What does it mean when you have passive aggression?
Passive-aggressive behavior involves indirectly communicating negative feelings without stating them upfront. This style of communication can create confusion and bottled-up emotions. An example of passive-aggressive behavior is being annoyed with your roommate, but instead of confronting them with your concerns, you may play loud music when you know they are trying to sleep. This example also demonstrates a fear of direct confrontation. Other forms of passive-aggressive behavior can include stubbornness, delaying or ignoring others’ requests, irritability, and displaying resentment towards others. Some passive-aggressive people may also experience anger in conflict, leading to passive aggressiveness and difficulties resolving issues. While passive aggressive personality disorder is not officially recognized as a standalone diagnosis in current manuals, elements of passive aggression can appear in a broader personality disorder context that often requires support. Mental health professionals can help you better understand the underlying causes of these behaviors.
How do you stop being passive-aggressive in a relationship?
It often helps to first recognize when you are exhibiting passive-aggressive behavior. It can also be helpful to assess what kind of situations prompt you to have this kind of reaction. You can pay attention to what kind of language you are using when you are in this state. Reminding yourself that your desires are valid can also help you to communicate your needs and preferences to others more clearly. Increasing your self-awareness and noticing any passive-aggressive tendencies may reduce fear of honest dialogue and help you find healthy ways to express your anger rather than using passive strategies when you feel upset.
How do you apologize for showing passive-aggressive behavior in the solitude of your home?
When apologizing for passive-aggressive actions, it is often important to take ownership of your actions fully. You can acknowledge to your partner that you know you were acting passively aggressively and explain the underlying feelings that contributed to your behavior. You can also reflect on whether childhood experiences triggered your anger, and then work on assertive ways to handle conflict in the future.
You can communicate openly with your partner that you know that passive-aggressive behavior is ineffective and may cause or impact your fear of rejection or feeling rejected, then commit to putting in the work into learning how to communicate your needs and emotions more directly, building confidence in more honest exchanges.
You can reduce passive-aggressive habits and show your willingness to make real changes, express that you know passive-aggressiveness is ineffective and harmful, and then commit to learning to be more direct in sharing emotions.
What mental illness is passive-aggressive?
Passive-aggressive behavior is not classified as a formal mental illness today, but it is often associated with what was previously known as passive-aggressive personality disorder. Passive-aggressive people exhibit passive-aggressive habits such as the silent treatment or backhanded compliments, which may serve as coping mechanisms for avoiding conflict. These behaviors may stem from underlying anger or hidden anger. To accurately evaluate and address these patterns, it is essential to consult mental health professionals. Although passive-aggressive personality disorder is no longer a recognized diagnosis in current psychiatric manuals, understanding these behaviors remains important for effective mental health support.
What childhood trauma causes passive-aggressive behavior?
Childhood experiences, such as fear of direct punishment, can shape a passive-aggressive way of expressing anger. These behaviors may emerge as a means to maintain control or avoid conflict. Over time, this passive approach can impact communication skills and self-awareness, potentially contributing to traits associated with a personality disorder.
What is the most passive-aggressive thing to say?
A common example might be responding with “nothing’s wrong” when you are clearly angry or upset, or giving backhanded compliments to express hidden anger indirectly. These words can undermine assertive communication or dialogue, reveal a desire to maintain control without being direct and hinder understanding and healthy communication.
What annoys a passive-aggressive person?
Passive-aggressive people become angry when faced with direct or honest feedback that threatens their sense of control. Eye contact and assertive body language can heighten their fear of communicating openly, making conflict situations stressful. They may be annoyed if others don’t pick up on their subtle hints instead of choosing to communicate openly. Developing healthy ways to handle these conflicts can improve interactions.
How to stop being so passive?
One idea to stop being so passive is to develop assertive strategies. Practice expressing your thoughts and feelings honestly while maintaining steady eye contact, which can build self-confidence and a sense of control during tense moments. Learn to set boundaries and state your point of view directly, exploring other ways to address conflict without resorting to passive aggression. Showing self-compassion can lead to better emotional communication and reduce hesitation about being direct.
Are narcissists passive-aggressive?
Yes, narcissists can exhibit passive-aggressive behavior. They may use tactics like giving backhanded compliments to maintain control in interactions. When they cannot lead the conversation or their point is challenged, they might become angry or express anger indirectly. These behaviors reflect difficulties with direct interaction. Setting assertive boundaries is important for fostering healthy interpersonal relationships with narcissists.
How to reply to a passive-aggressive text?
To reply to a passive-aggressive text, first manage any anger, fear, or upset feelings to prevent conflict. Avoid the silent treatment or impulsively expressing anger. Instead, use your communication skills to communicate calmly and directly. For example, acknowledge the other person's perspective and express your feelings honestly but politely. Recognize old habits that may lead to aggression and strive to communicate openly. If aggression persists, consider direct confrontation respectfully. Be aware that a personality disorder might underlie their behavior, and seeking professional help can be beneficial. By expressing anger constructively and addressing aggression thoughtfully, you can improve communication and reduce misunderstandings.
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