How To Stop Enabling Your Grown Child
When children are born, it may feel like they’ll be small and needy forever. Most parents agree that the years pass quickly as children are growing. Before you know it, you’re facing the empty nest. In some respects, it may be a nice place to be. The children are grown and off on their own, and you may finally get to spend time doing the things you’ve put off for so long.
Not all grown children get off to a great start in adulthood, though. Some adult children may battle poor-decision making or the realities of repaying college debts, for example. It can be hard to watch your children struggle as they enter early adulthood. You may find yourself wondering how to stop enabling grown children.
Why grown children stay
A recent Pew Research Center report reveals some surprising statistics. Among them, 52% of adults between the ages of 18 and 29 years of age in the U.S. live with one or more parents. This number represents the highest percentage of adults living with their parents since the Great Depression.
Some young adults may have good reasons for continuing to live with their parents. They might want to pay off student loan debt or save to purchase a home of their own. Those may be valid reasons for staying home if they’re making forward progress in their lives. Some adult children may have medical or mental health reasons for staying home, which could be another valid reason for allowing kids to come home. Having adult kids return home can be financially and emotionally draining on parents, even when it’s necessary.
Then there’s the case of grown children who may take advantage of their parents’ best intentions. Those adult children who may not be putting in their best efforts could begin to lose motivation when life appears to be too easy. If you feel like you’re enabling grown children to continue acting immaturely, you can fall into a dysfunctional pattern. When you recognize the symptoms of enabling and form a responsible plan to help them grow in independence, it can be a win-win situation for everyone involved.
How enabling grown children makes parents feel
As children leave the nest, you may experience a host of mixed emotions. On the one hand, you might be happy that they’re creating a path of their own and eager to see them be successful in their adult lives. There’s the added benefit of freedom, too. You may finally feel like you have the time and money to do some of the things you’ve wanted to do for yourself. On the other hand, you may miss them terribly and spend a lot of time reminiscing about the wonderful memories of raising them and the special times you spent as a nuclear family.
When adult children unexpectedly need or want to come back home, it could disrupt all the new planning that you’ve finally gotten to do for yourself. The change of events can leave you feeling frustrated, angry, and resentful. Having adult children who are constantly around can wear you down and leave you wishing that they’d become more independent.
It’s possible to find the balance between helping adult children get back on their feet without enabling them to take advantage of you. Perhaps the key is recognizing the signs that you’re enabling them and making a few changes on your end to get them moving into a successful future of their own.
What are some signs of enabling adult children?
Some adult children may be masters at guilting their parents into making things as easy on them as possible. In your desire to do right by your children, it can be easy to overlook manipulation on their part. Certain signs should send up red flags that you may be falling into a pattern of enabling:
- You find yourself constantly shouldering their debt.
- They can’t or won’t keep a job.
- They refuse to do household chores.
- You find yourself taking on additional responsibilities.
- They may be respectful when they want something but get passive-aggressive if you refuse.
How to stop enabling your adult child
Ideally, when adult children return home, it’s only for a short time to help them get a fresh start. You may need to let them know this upfront. Communicate that the end goal is for them to move out on their own again at some point. Consider establishing a timeframe for how long they need to stay.
You may also want to discuss your child’s financial and household responsibilities while they’re at home. If you expect them to pay rent or do their own laundry, for instance, consider having this conversation prior to moving in. Communication may be key to coexisting peacefully in the future. You may want to avoid making assumptions, even if your expectations seem like common sense.
As with any relationship, setting boundaries may be the most important thing you can do when welcoming your child back into the family home. Here are some lines you might consider drawing:
- Let them know that you expect them to be honest and trustworthy in their dealings with you, just as they can expect from you.
- Insist on no illegal behavior while they live at home.
- Be clear that you won’t tolerate any behavior that endangers other family members or causes them to feel scared or threatened.
- Tell them that you expect them to be considerate of other family members and their possessions.
- Ask them to be a good steward of the resources made available to them.
- Tell your child that they should be a “net positive”, meaning they should contribute more than they cost you in terms of finances, stress, extra work, etc.
- Have them ask permission before hanging anything on the walls, painting walls, getting a pet, or making any other material changes to your home.
- Expect them to use this time to make forward progress in their lives. This may mean going back to school, getting training, looking for a job, or getting finances under control.
Setting boundaries with your children may help you send the message that as adults, they’re responsible for managing their own lives and responsibilities. You could offer support and guidance, but you may want to avoid swooping in to “help” or “fix” the results of mistakes or poor judgment on their part.
Mental health matters
Consider that some kids mature more slowly than others and may require more guidance and support from mom or dad. It may also be important to consider your adult child’s mental health. If they’re dealing with depression, low self-esteem, social anxiety, or some other mental health challenge or condition, they might also benefit from professional help in addition to your assistance.
Parents of adult children who live at home may also benefit from therapy or counseling. Setting boundaries and communicating with children who have transitioned into adulthood can be challenging. The relationship between you and your child is changing, and you may need support navigating these changes. A professional therapist can provide you with tools and resources for yourself, your child, and the family.
Seeking professional help can be challenging sometimes, especially in person. You may have feelings of embarrassment, shame, or even failure when your adult child moves back in. These feelings can be hard to talk about in a clinical setting like a therapist’s office. Online counseling could be the better option in these circumstances. Many people report feeling more comfortable opening up to a therapist when sessions are online. This form of remote counseling can also be more convenient since it can be accessed from home or anywhere you have an internet connection.
Therapeutic interventions delivered online have been proven effective by researchers in the field of mental health. A comprehensive meta-analysis of studies revealed no significant differences in outcomes when comparing cases of online counseling versus in-person therapy. Researchers reviewed nearly 10,000 cases spanning a wide range of mental health challenges and conditions across various populations.
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Takeaway
Having an adult child move back in can come with various challenges, some of them emotional in nature. You may still feel like it’s your duty to care for your child, but you may also feel taken advantage of, or fear that by enabling them, you’re doing them a disservice. These can be complicated issues to navigate, but you don’t have to do it alone. Reach out to Regain today, and begin your journey to a healthier relationship with your grown son or daughter.
Frequently asked questions (FAQs)
At what age is a child responsible for their actions?
Any caring parent can be curious about when their adult child becomes responsible for their own actions. In most of the United States, the age of the majority is 18 years old. Therefore your adult child is no longer a minor and is responsible for their own actions at this age, according to law.
Throughout childhood, your child lives with you and has depended on you, and you don’t want to watch your child struggle when they grow up. Many experts agree that around the age of 18, it is important to allow your grown child more freedoms and more adult responsibilities and avoid enabling your child. This will make it clear to adult children what it means to be an adult, in the eyes of both the law and their family.
Why should adults not give a child too much help?
It is totally normal for parents to give their child some help now and then, but how much help is too much? Many parenting experts agree that too much help ends up enabling your child and might make your child struggle more in the long run.
According to the parenting blog, Empowering Parents, too much help might look like stepping in to help with a task that your child can do for themselves, but it would be “easier” for you to help. Especially with an adult child, this can be dangerous behavior. Enabling your adult child might look like cleaning up for your teen or doing job hunts for your grown child. There’s nothing wrong with encouraging your adult child, especially when they struggle a little bit more, but enabling your grown child by doing the work for them might teach your adult child that they don’t need to perform the work themself.
How do I stop enabling my child?
Any parent can end up accidentally helping their child too much, also known as enabling. Usually out of anxiety or convenience, enabling your grown child or even your young kids can look like doing tasks for them and taking less time to encourage them to do things themselves, among other things.
Learning to stop enabling your adult child can be difficult because you love them and don’t like to see your child struggle. However, adult children and children of any age can be empowered to face hardships themselves. This is the key to transitioning from enabling your grown child to empowering them: letting them face and even struggle with hardships and challenges themselves.
Even if your adult child is uncomfortable, it is important to allow them the space to create their own coping skills and solutions. One way to do this is to encourage your adult child to find a therapist for themself. Adult children living at home might have more difficulty finding a job or moving forward if they know they will always be supported at home, so seeing a therapist may be a good first step to finding support outside the home. A therapist’s job is to help grown children work through their struggles and be a possible inspiration source in seeking independence.
In addition, parents can see therapists learn how to teach their adult child more independence rather than enabling their adult child. Although your grown child’s responsible for facing difficulties independently, learning how to encourage your adult child rather than enabling your adult child is a valuable skill you can work on as a parent in therapy. The licensed counselors at ReGain can be a great resource for your adult children to help your adult children seek more independence or can be a helpful resource for you to learn ways to support your grown child rather than enabling your grown child.
How do I let go of my grown child?
If your grown child lives at home, you may feel a lot of conflicting emotions. Surely you love them and want them around, but you may also begin to feel as though you are enabling your grown child to an extent by allowing them to stay safe and comfortable at home. For this reason, letting go of your grown child can be a difficult task. Although letting go of a grown child is a difficult process, remember that even if your grown child lives elsewhere, you can still have a tight parent and child bond, and spending time together can help you to process.
Depending on your situation, you may have to take a different approach toward letting go of your adult child. A parent and child relationship can be a balancing act. Adult children living at home may feel very loved and supported but may also begin to feel suffocated if they feel like you want or need them to stay when they’d rather be independent. If this is your case, it is important to remember that your adult child is an adult who can be independent. Even though the anxiety of knowing your adult child is uncomfortable or taking risks may be strong, you have the power to work through it.
However, if your child lives with you because they struggle with making decisions or taking risks themself, then it might be necessary to give your grown child more of a push. It is tough to discern the difference between encouraging your adult children and doing the work for them, thus enabling them. The best practice here could be to continue to remind your adult children that they need to be making decisions for themselves, even if it is difficult for you to watch them struggle.
What does it mean if someone takes advantage of you?
When someone takes advantage of you, it likely means that they are treating you poorly while they themselves benefit. You may feel taken advantage of if your adult child or adult children still live at home with you, don’t offer much help around the house, or don’t offer monetary compensation for the things they consume or for rent or mortgage.
It can be very difficult to feel like you are being taken advantage of by a grown child or feel like pushing your grown child to live independently is against your grown child’s interest. However, refusing to let an adult child or adult children continue to live with you if they don’t carry their own weight can be a good personal boundary to set. If your children are encouraged to become independent, you may be able to establish a healthier relationship without feeling as though they are taking advantage of you.
How do you know if you are enabling your child?
What happens when you enable a child?
At what age do you stop supporting your child?
What is an enabler parent?
Why do people enable their kids?
Is parent enabling bad Behaviour?
How do you reset your child?
What is the most harmful parenting style?
What are signs of toxic parenting?
What are toxic parent traits?
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