How To Stop Feeling Guilty And Forgive Yourself

"Guilt is toxic, reliving the mistake over and over. Love yourself. Forgive yourself." This is a great quote from Robert Tew, but it's also one of those things in life that is easier said than done. There's a lot of information out there on the importance of forgiving other people, but many times the person most important to forgive is yourself, and that can be an incredibly hard thing to do. However, if you want to live your best life and find joy in the people and things around you, learning how to cope with guilt by forgiving yourself is vital. Let’s begin with understanding guilt and how to manage it.

What is guilt?

According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, there are several definitions of the word guilt. Some of them include:

• "The state of one who has committed an offense, especially consciously."

• "Feelings of deserving blame, especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy."

• "A feeling of deserving blame for offenses."

As you can see, guilt doesn't just have to do with a wrong action or when one makes mistakes; it's the feeling that results from that action. Not everyone feels guilt after committing an offense, however. Two people can do the same thing, and one person can feel guilty about it while the other doesn't. Guilt can be very personal.

Common causes of guilt

You can feel guilty over pretty much anything. However, some of the common causes of guilt include:

• Something you did. This is the most obvious cause of guilt that most everyone is familiar with. This could include something you did to someone else or something you did against your morals and ethics.

• Something you'd like to do even though you know you shouldn't. You may experience guilt over something you want to do that you know is wrong, which can make you feel bad. This can be a complicated type of guilt because you didn't technically do anything wrong, but you still feel that you did.

• Something that you think you did or caused. You may think that because you wished something would happen that it did and that because of that, it caused someone else to feel hurt or pain. While it isn't true that you caused the event or situation to happen, you may carry guilt and other negative feelings over it anyway.

• Something you didn't do that you know you should have. You may be experiencing guilt over not doing an activity you know you should have. 

• Surviving or success. If you lived through something other people didn't, you might be dealing with survivor's guilt. You may wonder why you're still here when they aren't. This can also look like feeling guilty over the success that you've had that others haven't. 

Why you don't want to live with guilt

Guilt is an important part of life because it helps you know when you're doing things you shouldn't, and it helps you correct your behavior. If you didn't feel guilty over something you did that was wrong, it could be a real problem. It can make it very easy to ruin relationships and to cross the boundaries of right and wrong.

However, living in a constant state of guilt is a bad thing. It can hurt your self-esteem and make it very difficult for you to continue to live healthily. It can also cause a decline in your physical health, bringing on illness. Research and peer-reviewed studies have even linked childhood guilt to symptoms of depression in adults. This is one reason why it's so important to address guilt instead of living with it.

Guilt can also cause you to feel like you don't deserve happiness in life. This can cause you to self-sabotage things like relationships, jobs, and finances. When you feel like you've done something wrong in your past, it isn't easy to think that you should be able to enjoy good things in the future. Guilt may also inspire self-loathing.

Guilt serves a good purpose for a short amount of time, typically as a first response. If you live with guilt for too long, however, it's no longer healthy and instead may be damaging you.

How to forgive yourself

Forgiveness is never easy. However, it could be hardest to forgive yourself, especially if you don't feel like you have made up for what you feel guilty about. But learning how to forgive yourself and overcome guilt is an important step to living a successful life. Here are some tips to help you forgive yourself for something you've done and repair any damage you've caused.

If you can make it right, then do it

If you felt guilty over something that you did wrong to someone else and you're able to do something about it, then do it. Apologies and guilt often come together. If there's something that you can correct, then it's time to correct it. If you can't do anything to change the situation, you can still offer a sincere apology.

You don't need them to accept your apology

It can be hard to let go of guilt if you apologize, repent for past sins, and a person still will not accept your apology and forgive you. But that's not on you. There are only so many things that you can control, and someone else's emotions and decisions are not one of them.

So, if you have done everything within your ability to do and sincerely apologize, then it's time to let go of your guilt and move forward regardless of the response you received. Forgiveness is a learning experience, after all.

Learn to control your thoughts

Once you decide to forgive yourself, it's not going to automatically just happen. You will have to choose, sometimes on a daily or hourly basis, to move forward and continue the forgiveness process. You must decide to let go of that guilt and stop treating yourself like a guilty person.

This is easier said than done, especially if you have lived with guilt and bad feelings for a long time. You will need to pay attention to your thoughts and catch yourself any time you're thinking negative thoughts about yourself. Then, you will need to choose a positive thought to replace it.

For example, anytime you start to give in to those negative emotions and thoughts of guilt, you can stop yourself as soon as you realize that's what you're thinking. Then you can tell yourself, "I am forgiven, and I'm choosing not to live in that past guilt." Then, you can choose to think about something else that's different and positive. You can stop beating yourself up mentally over things from the past and instead choose genuine self-forgiveness.

Give yourself time

Forgiving yourself isn't always an immediate thing, especially if you struggle with past trauma. It can take some time to get to where you feel like you can let go of that guilt. But it's easy to get caught in that guilty place and for time to get away from you. Once you decide to forgive yourself, it could be something that you have to re-decide daily until your feelings start to align with your decision.

If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.

Think about what you've learned from the situation

If you're forgiving yourself for something that you did or didn't do, you must take the time to learn from the situation. This can help you to avoid going back to the same thing over again. There is good that can come from bad situations, regardless of what our inner critic says. You may wish that you could go back and do something differently, but that's not the way that life works. Instead, make sure that you learn the lesson when you forgive yourself and acknowledge where your actions led you, so it's not something you repeat.

Talk to a therapist

There are a lot of emotions that you may be working through as you try to forgive yourself. It can be difficult to do on your own. If you're struggling to sort through the details and feelings that you're experiencing, it can be helpful to talk to a therapist.

Not only will they be able to help you with important strategies and skills to learn how to forgive yourself, but they can also help you learn how to improve from the bad behavior that led you to this situation in the first place. And, if you've been living with guilt for a long period of time, it can be difficult to overcome. A therapist can help you with that situation as well, so you're able to move forward to live a healthy life.

If the situation you feel guilty about involves a close relationship with another person, such as a spouse, best friend, or other party, counseling can help both of you work through the situation.

Takeaway

If you are holding guilt over yourself, you're not going to give your best self over to anyone else either. It's time to learn how to overcome guilt and forgive yourself.

Regain can help. Regain is an online therapy platform that is both convenient and affordable. Whether you want to work with a therapist alone or with a partner, you can get matched with a licensed counselor who is well-versed in working with someone in your situation. You can meet via text, phone, or video—whatever works best for you.

Online cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) can help you to take all those negative, guilty thoughts you may be having and turn them into positive thoughts. Online CBT can be just as effective as in-person therapy and can help you process and shed your guilt.

Forgiveness is never easy, but it is important for yourself and the other people in your life. Get the support you need to be able to forgive yourself and get to a happier state of being.