How To Stop Obsessing Over Someone You Care About
Emotions are a powerful thing. Love can happen with someone you are in a relationship with or someone you barely know. Love and attraction usually build slowly. In healthy relationships, love matures and grows into a beautiful, long-lasting partnership. There is much truth in the bible verse I Corinthians 13, which says, "Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast…" Healthy love isn't obsessive love.
Obsessive love may begin when a relationship ends. Strong feelings over heartbreak can trigger obsessive thoughts. Obsessive thoughts and actions can quickly turn a healthy relationship sour. Obsession can come about because of a mental health issue or because of extreme heartbreak. Either way, extreme obsession isn't healthy for the person experiencing it or the person who is the target of their affection. If you or someone you care about needs help to learn how to stop obsessing over someone, professional help is available.
What does a healthy, caring relationship look like?
From the outside looking in, it's easy to detect a healthy relationship. You've seen couples that enjoy each other's company. They're not overly affectionate. They don't have nasty fights. They communicate well, and it's evident that they enjoy spending time together. There's no sign of obsessive behavior in a healthy relationship.
When you first begin a relationship with someone, it's normal to think about them all the time. You wonder what they're doing, where they are, and whether they're also thinking about you.
As the relationship grows and develops beyond attraction, your thoughts and feelings mature into mutual caring and respect. When two people have a sense of mutual trust, you don't check on them because you don't feel the need to. You can trust that they're not doing something that would upset you. You can rest assured that they're not somewhere or with someone that would upset you. You don't feel tempted to read their text messages, voicemails, or emails. In a healthy relationship, your partner's sentiments and feelings are just as trusting. A partner should be part of your life but not feel invasive about your every move.
Signs that you're obsessive
It's always easier to detect signs of obsession in someone else than it is in ourselves. If you have the slightest clue that you're obsessive, listen to what your family and friends are telling you. They usually have your best interests at heart. As you read down the list, you may recognize these other signs of obsession in yourself. If you do, you may have some work to do.
When you're in love with someone, it's normal to spend a lot of time thinking about them, but you shouldn't be thinking about them so much that it negatively affects other aspects of your life.
If you're creeping their social media accounts and calling or texting them multiple times a day, these are strong signs of obsession. It's one thing to drive by an old house where you spent time together. Still, if you're following them around, monitoring their activities, or you're hanging around places you expect them to be, you're displaying obsessive behavior.
Have you found yourself hanging on to every word the object of your obsession says? Are you modifying your behavior in the hopes that your ex will take notice? Have you stopped spending as much time with family and friends as you used to because you're always thinking about or checking up on someone you were in a relationship with? Is your obsession having negative effects on your career?
You're overly obsessive when you feel possessive of someone else. You get extremely jealous when they're with someone else or showing affection to another person. Intentionally or not, you may try to drive a wedge between the object of your obsession and someone they care about. You don't feel that someone else is deserving of their time and attention. If the person rejects or rebukes you, anger rears its ugly head, and you can't help but react strongly. The good news is that you can learn how to stop obsessing over someone.
How to stop obsessing over someone
Nearly everyone has had to deal with a broken heart at some time in our lives. It's always a difficult time, but everyone surfaces from it eventually. In fact, you might just come out of it a better person. If you've spent enough time grieving over a relationship that was toxic or didn't work out and you're ready to move forward, you can shut the window to the past and open the door to a better future. You can stop obsessing over someone that you love if you put your mind to it and take some distinctive steps to move in a different direction.
First, take the person off their pedestal in your mind. If they were that perfect, you'd still be together. If you take the time to think about it, there are probably plenty of things you dislike about the person. Take note of them. The list may be longer than you might think.
While it's good to remember the good times, letting go often means remembering the bad times too. The things that another person did that you didn't like are part of who they are. Recognize that some things will never change.
Did your former love constantly put you down or belittle you? If so, they've probably left you feeling emotionally wounded and inferior. Perhaps it was an attempt to manipulate you, or maybe they felt that way. Either way, don't let their words and behavior define you. Ask your family and friends if you have anything to work on within yourself. Those who know you best will be honest and help you improve moving forward. If they don't see you as your former love did, ask for their help rebuilding your confidence.
While you don't want to follow an old love around, it's not wise to sit home alone and wallow in your sorrow either. Distance yourself from the person as much as possible. Get unstuck from your former routines. Instead of going to the same coffee shop that you frequented together, find a new place to hang out. Find ways to get out and have new experiences. Take a class, work on a hobby, take a vacation, and start doing things you couldn't do in your previous relationship. As you experience new places and events, be conscious about how much better you're starting to feel when you no longer have obsessive thoughts.
Be aware that being obsessive is a state of mind. A perfect solution to changing your state of mind is by practicing mindfulness. There are many excellent and easy ways to do this. Get some mindfulness recordings, find a quiet place, and relax for a time every day.
Don't allow intrusive thoughts of the other person to invade your mind. When thoughts or memories of the person surface, make a conscious effort to cast them out and think about something else. The more you practice not thinking and obsessing about them, the easier it will become.
Some websites offer some tips to help you stop obsessing about someone. The first tip is called "the barking dog." When thoughts of the person enter your mind, imagine that you're walking past a dog that's chained up and barking at you madly. Just keep walking past it and ignoring it, leaving the noise and chaos in your shadow. Leave those thoughts in your past.
The other strategy is called "shake it off." If you've ever bathed a dog, you may notice that they shake their body from head to tail to shed the water. In the same way, when you have intrusive thoughts of your former love, stand up, shake your body all around, and shed those obsessive thoughts. It can be fun to let go.
In letting go of a past relationship, it may be important to figure out why you got involved in it in the first place. Is the person very much like your father or mother? Were they the exact opposite of what you had in a father or mother? Did they fill a need that you have that you weren't able to fill somewhere else in your life? These are important questions to answer because you want to ensure that you don't move out of one toxic relationship and get right back into another one.
Get support to stop obsessing over someone and move on
If nothing you've read so far has helped, you may have a condition called obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). According to Harvard Medical School, you need professional help for the diagnosis and treatment of OCD.
Online cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) can be an effective way to treat OCD, as you learn to process negative thoughts and behaviors and turn them into positive thoughts and behaviors. Online CBT has been shown to be just as effective as in-person CBT, sometimes more so. Online therapy may be just the ticket to get past obsessive behaviors and move on in a healthy way.
Whether you have OCD or simply have difficulty letting go of obsessive thoughts, professional help is at your fingertips when you reach out to Regain and get matched with a licensed therapist who can help. Regain offers convenient online therapy. You don't need to leave your house to meet with a therapist. You can schedule sessions at times that work with your schedule, and you can meet via text, phone, or video chat.
Takeaway
It can be hard getting over someone that you love, but with the right support, you can come out on the other side, ready to find a much healthier relationship.
Frequently asked questions (FAQs)
What causes obsession with a person?
A number of things can cause an obsession with someone. Many teenagers experience romantic obsession with someone they hardly know, often a crush, due to a mixture of naivety and hormones. However, adults can experience obsession, too—perhaps they’re searching for more meaning in their lives and believe this person can give that to them, and so they start obsessing over what their life would be like with them.
Alternatively, as discussed in the article above, obsession can come on even in adults as a coping mechanism after a breakup, either obsessing over the person they lost and what they had (or hoped for) or transferring those feelings and trying to get over them by obsessing over someone else.
Obsession can occur even in healthy relationships if you are insecure or have mental health conditions such as anxiety or trauma from a past relationship. There is also something known as obsessive love disorder, which involves extreme obsession, possessiveness, and jealousy over someone.
How do I stop obsessive thinking about someone?
Ways to stop obsessing over someone include, first and foremost, reminding yourself that they are just a person. To figure out how to stop obsessing over an ex or how to stop obsessing over someone else, you must take them off of the pedestal that you’ve built for them in your mind. They are not perfect, and in fact, you’ve likely orchestrated things about them that aren’t even necessarily true. Take a step back, write down what you actually know about this person—their goals, hobbies, things you like about them, and, most especially, things you dislike. While we don’t advocate for only focusing on the negative, it’s important to remember that this person isn’t perfect, so reminding yourself of what you don’t like about them is one of the best ways to stop obsessing over them.
It’s also easier to stop obsessing over someone if you stop actively reminding yourself of them. This means you’ll likely have to switch up your routine—don’t go to that restaurant you used to go to together or hit up a different hiking trail than usual if that’s something you did together. Frequenting places you used to go to together is a sure-fire way to start obsessing again, so for a while, you’ll need to stop feeding this by changing up your routine. This can be a great way to distract yourself, see new places, and try new things! Additionally, do not contact or see the person you’re obsessing over if that’s at all possible. It’s much easier to stop obsessing when you’re not actively engaging with them!
Practicing mindfulness is also one of the best ways to stop obsessing over someone you care about, as it’ll ground you back in the moment and reality. When you notice yourself obsessing over the person, actively change your focus and thoughts to something in the moment, such as the feeling of the sun on your skin, the taste of your coffee, or do something else like read, work out, or watch a show that you can really get into—anything to distract your mind when you feel like you can’t stop your obsessive thoughts.
How do you stop obsessing over someone who doesn’t want you?
Ways to stop obsessive over someone who doesn’t want you are much the same as those detailed in the previous question. First, remind yourself that the person you’re obsessing over is only human; they have flaws and aren’t perfect, nor can they make you truly happy or your dreams come true—only you can do that for yourself.
If you can’t stop obsessing, you’ll need to distract your mind. Studies have found that mindfulness techniques are immensely helpful in helping people curb obsessive thoughts, be they over someone or related to OCD. Trying new hobbies or doing something like reading a book or watching a movie that you know you can really get into is very useful in distracting your thoughts. You must also accept that this person isn’t a part of your life, nor will they be. This can take time, so don’t be too hard on yourself. You must also cut the person you’re obsessing over out of your life. If they’ve made it clear they’re not interested in you either platonically or romantically, you need to work on accepting that. If you have an unhealthy attachment to them, you’ll need to make every effort not to see them or interact with them to get yourself into a healthier state of mind so you can let this person go.
Why does rejection cause obsession?
No matter who you are, rejection hurts. Sometimes, we cope with this by obsessing over the person, hoping to figure out a way to be in their life or to get them to accept us. We may spend a great deal of time figuring out what they do and don’t like, trying to cultivate ourselves into someone they might like, or we might try to do things we think that they’ll like to reverse their rejection.
However, these actions are ultimately quite harmful to our own wellbeing, and while they may start innocently enough, they can result in (or be a product of) obsession.
Is it true love or obsession?
Genuine love is ultimately mutual, kind, supportive, empowering, and trusting. If you frequently feel jealous, distrustful, or possessive, that is not true love—that’s an obsession. If you can’t stop wondering where they are, what they’re doing, who they’re with, and/or feel the need to control any of those things, that is an obsession.
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