I Don’t Want It To Be Over: How To Reconcile When She Wants A Divorce
Few things can catch you off guard as much as hearing that your wife wants a divorce. Whether you knew that your marriage was in a precarious place or you thought your relationship was just fine, the word "divorce" can bring your world to a screeching halt. It can also leave you trying to figure out "how to get my wife back when she wants a divorce?". While there are many reasons she may want a divorce, there are ways to reconcile with your wife if she truly wants. Read on to learn more about these ways and how to work towards resolution and reconciliation in your marriage.
Find out why she wants a divorce
The first thing that you need to do if you want to get your wife back is to determine why she wants a divorce in the first place. You may think that the reason is obvious or that you would see a divorce coming, that's not always true. A four-year study conducted by the Marriage Foundation found that 60 percent of couples were happy and fought little or not at all a year before getting divorced. So, there's a good chance that you were at least a little caught off guard by the fact that your wife wants a divorce.
If you spend a little time thinking through the past year or so of your relationship, you may be able to determine where she stands. But it might be something that you do not understand. Some of the most common reasons for divorce include:
- Lack of commitment
- Infidelity
- Arguing too much
- Getting married too young
- Financial problems
- Substance abuse
- Domestic violence
- Health problems
- Lack of support from family
- Religious differences
- Little or no premarital education
If you are struggling with substance use, contact the SAMHSA National Helpline at (800) 662-4357 to receive support and resources. Support is available 24/7.
How to determine the problem
The most obvious way to find out what the problem is to be direct. If you and your wife are still on speaking terms, ask her why she wants a divorce. This is a conversation that you will want to approach carefully. Your wife could be upset that you do not understand why she has reached the point that she has. But if you really do not know why and honestly want to work on repairing your marriage to win your wife back, try to talk to her about it.
She may be unwilling to talk to you. In this case, take a moment and consider your past conversations. What has she asked for? What has she desired? Are there problems that she pointed out time and time again? Spend time thinking through your relationship and try to determine where or when it started going wrong. You can also check in with her to see if she is willing to talk to you at a later time, when she is ready.
What to do to win her back
It would be nice if there were a one-size-fits-all plan for getting your wife back when she wants a divorce. But unfortunately, relationships are more complex than a simple solution. There are several ways to improve any marriage, including resolving poor communication and rebuilding trust. But, the exact steps you will need to take will depend on your marriage. Here are some things to consider as you try to win her back.
Take responsibility
If you are used to blaming your wife for the problems, step back and take a good hard look at yourself. Very rarely are the problems within a marriage completely one-sided. The first step towards resolution is taking responsibility. This is easier if she let you know the reasons she wants a divorce, but you do not need to know directly from her. You are in the relationship and have the ability to reflect on how you contributed to the place you are now in your marriage. (Now, if your wife wants a divorce because you were unfaithful to her, then you know exactly why).
When you have identified and owned your part in the broken relationship, it is vitally important you apologize to your wife. This needs to be a sincere apology. She may not be ready to forgive you, but it is a place to start. Remember, your wife may not believe that you right away that your behavior will change.
Show her your willingness to change
If there are areas of your life that you need to improve, make active steps to moving forward in these changes. You do not need to be perfect, but you need to show that you are serious about making changes. This is not the time for empty promises. Do not tell her that you are going to do something differently if you do not plan on making changes. Furthermore, to make promises you cannot keep. Be open and honest with her, letting her know you are working towards change. If you need to talk to a therapist, this is a good time. They can help you identify parts of your behavior that you may not be aware of and help you develop a plan to work towards transformation and growth.
Respect her boundaries
If she tells you she needs space, respect her needs. One of the issues she may have with you is you not knowing how to respect boundaries and listen to her. Give her the time she needs, including not calling or texting. You can gently contact her after a few days to see if she is willing or ready to talk. Take this time to work on yourself and the plan you have made for change. Honoring her boundaries is key and will show her that you are also worthy of respect. In recognizing her needs for space, you are demonstrating your maturity and how much you care for her peace of mind.
Think back to the beginning
Think about what you did to get your wife over when you first met her. She was probably the focus of all your attention. You most likely went out of your way to do things for her because you wanted her to know that you cared about her. As relationships progress, this tends to change. Couples settle in, and those feelings that used to rise in you when she entered the room might not be there anymore. However, you can bring some of that spark back into your marriage with a little effort and attention. Of course, if she is open to this attention. Again, if she has asked for space, it is best to comply. If she wants to reconcile, she will be open to your love and attention when she is ready.
Focus on yourself
There is only one person that you can control in your relationship-yourself. Shift your focus from doing everything you can to win her back and turn towards yourself. Try to not concern yourself of how you want your wife to change. If she wants out of the marriage and you are the one that wants to make it work at the moment, you need to focus on the things that you can control.
Look at the areas that you can improve about yourself. What can you do to be a better husband to your wife? Is there anything that she has been hinting at or flat out asking you to do that you've been avoiding? Even if she tells you that it does not matter anymore, if you want to win her back, then these are things that you are going to want to do anyway.
Show her love
With the threat of divorce on the doorstep, your emotions most likely feel out of control. You may be tempted to beg her to take you back or you may feel angry and want to yell at her in your frustration. Instead of allowing your emotions to take control, take purposeful action. If you want her to stay, focus on loving her the way she desires to be loved.
In his book The 5 Love Languages, Dr. Gary Chapman explains that not everyone feels or expresses love the same way. So, while you might think that you've been showing your wife love for years, she may feel completely unloved by you. The different languages include:
- Acts of service
- Physical touch
- Gifts
- Words of affirmation
- Quality time
There is a chance that the way you naturally show love is not the way that your wife naturally feels loved. If you can pinpoint her love language, you can start to do things that will help fill her love tank. This can help pull your marriage back from the brink of divorce.
Talk to a therapist
Couples counseling can help you and your wife to salvage your relationship. Like those at Regain, a licensed therapist can help you get to the bottom of where the problems are coming from in your relationship. During counseling sessions, you can also work through what skills you can develop to improve your relationship going forward. For example, learning how to improve communication can help you to build a stronger marriage.
If your wife is unwilling to go to therapy, you can go to counseling sessions independently. Working with a licensed therapist can help you learn what areas to improve on to help your relationship. Even without your wife attending sessions, you may be able to turn your relationship around from what you learn and the change in your thinking and actions towards your wife and relationship.
You have many options to choose from when looking for a therapist, keeping in the forefront of your mind that the one you choose is one with whom you feel safe and confident. You also have the choice to choose between online and in-person therapy, both effective ways for you to seek professional advice. Online therapy is convenient as you participate in therapy from the comfort of your own home and is supported by research as a beneficial alternative to in-person therapy. Current research reveals that in people who received online therapy along with in-person reported that they felt their online therapist to be just as empathetic (if not more) as compared to their in-person therapist. This is important when you are managing the intense emotional and psychological effects of your wife asking for a divorce. If you are ready, consider reaching for an online therapist to help your work through this challenging time.
Takeaway
Just because your wife is saying she wants a divorce does not mean that your marriage is over. It's worth fighting for your marriage and your wife. You can use the tips provided in this article to help you win your wife back. Take time to think about your situation and what you know about your wife. This can help you personalize your efforts in getting her back. Make sure you stay calm to keep the lines of communication open with her which will help give your marriage a fighting chance.
Unfortunately, there is a chance that your wife will decide to move forward with the divorce regardless of what you do to try to improve the relationship. Divorce is a challenging time for everyone involved. This is another area that talking to a therapist can help support you. A therapist can help you learn how to recover from your marriage's end and adjust to your new normal after divorce. An online couples counselor can also support both you and your wife through the process to help work through the rough patches and find resolution.
Frequently asked questions (FAQs)
How do you get your wife to fall back in love with you?
The thing about love is that you cannot force someone to feel it. For your wife to love you, she will probably have to come to that conclusion independently. You can still do some things to make her feel good, bring her joy, or make her life easier.
Try beginning with some self-reflection: did your wife fall out of love because of a lack of growth in the relationship? Did she fall out of love because you are no longer bringing your best self to the table? Ponder these questions, but do not obsess. Actionable steps are sometimes what it takes to win your wife back. Giving your wife the best version of yourself is one way to try to rekindle your relationship. In some cases, that can mean giving your wife space while you work on self-improvement.
When it comes to marriage, how to win your wife back might require some solo work. Once you are taking care of yourself, you may notice ways to make her life easier and express your feelings and hopefully reach a common ground.
What should I say to get my wife back?
If you’re wondering how to win your wife back, you might be considering what you can say to win back her love. While winning your wife back with words sounds nice, you will likely have to pair it with the necessary actions to back up your claims.
For example, if you tell your wife that you will do the work that it takes to cultivate a stronger relationship and make any necessary changes for the sake of your marriage, you will actually have to do so. If your wife likes to receive love via words of affirmation, the language you choose will be important. Likewise, if your wife likes to receive love via quality time or acts of service, the words you choose will need to be paired with actions to solidify your intentions.
How do I get my back to want me again?
Your wife will not necessarily want you back just because you wish for that to happen. You will have to put in some personal work to feel confident about yourself and your relationship's potential. In the past, if you have made your wife feel invalidated, underappreciated, unworthy, or if you were unfaithful, you will need to do some work to mend those wounds. A strong relationship is built on trust, respect, and faith in one another. Consider trying to show her love in those capacities.
If you are not feeling good about yourself and feel undeserving or that your wife is no longer interested in you, it may be time to turn the tables and reflect on what you can do to feel better about yourself. When you give your wife space for the sake of that work, you will likely notice a difference. Sometimes how to win your wife back takes a bit of self-improvement, or at least that’s what some success stories insinuate. For the best results possible, consider solo therapy and/or couples therapy. With the guidance of a professional, ideas for how to win your wife back might seem more attainable.
How can I get my wife back after the divorce?
Some people will recount that winning their wife back in a friendly way after a divorce was actually easier than during their marriage. Throughout your divorce, you will likely hear plenty of other success stories regarding friendships after divorce. Truthfully, this is often the best way to win your wife back: be a friend.
Sometimes in a relationship, you might forget that friendship is important. If you care for this person, try to care for them the same way you would care for a dear friend. Remove your ego and your wants or desires and treat them with the respect and dignity they deserve. Some people may get their wives back more romantically after a divorce, but focusing on healing and interacting kindly first can be healthier for both people.
Can your wife fall back in love with you?
Getting your wife to love you again is not necessarily something you can expect, especially right away. The best thing you can do is to stick around, respectfully and if appropriate, and see what needs to happen for the relationship to grow. Some couples can fall back in love, but moving on may be healthier for others than holding onto their pasts if the other person is truly no longer interested (as is usually the case in divorce).
Giving your wife the time and space to heal from whatever relationship stress you both might have gone through might be the answer. Showing up for her in ways you hadn’t before can be a good way to start mending the relationship. For additional professional advice, seek out a therapist's counsel, and if your wife is willing, try couples therapy together.
How do you tell if your wife doesn't love you anymore?
You should not assume that your wife doesn’t love you anymore if she has not told you so directly. If you are afraid that she doesn’t love you anymore because of the body language she uses, the words that she says (or doesn’t say), or do not think she has a general interest in the relationship anymore, try to begin a conversation about it.
Try simply asking what you can do to rekindle a bit of quality time and see how she responds. If your fear is too large to overcome, consider asking a professional for help. You will probably be able to have that conversation with your wife eventually, but sometimes people need help finding the words. With them, you will either learn how to win your wife back or at the very least; you will learn how to begin these tough conversations. Communication and respect in all interactions is a good rule of thumb as you work out your relationship.
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