Learning To Be Open: How To Be More Vulnerable In Your Relationships

The term "vulnerability" has been discussed a lot these days, thanks largely to the advocacy of Brené Brown, a research professor at the Houston Graduate College of Social Work. She says that vulnerability is not an emotional weakness, as many people have come to believe, but on the contrary, it is a form of courage. "Vulnerability is about having the courage to show up and be seen," says Brown.

We often start to feel afraid the deeper and more intimate a relationship gets, and that is because of our intense fear of vulnerability. However, the key to a successful, long-lasting, and emotionally rich relationship is learning to embrace risk and the qualities that come with openness, honesty, and authenticity. So, what exactly is vulnerability, and how does one learn to be more vulnerable in relationships?

What vulnerability is and its importance

The desire to connect is innate, primal, and universal. Many scientists have detailed the importance of social connections and the myriad ways it benefits our physical and mental health. However, we can rob ourselves of those benefits by holding onto behaviors and beliefs that hinder intimacy. As a result, we as a society see a rise in broken relationships, loneliness, and depression.

Brown, a leading expert on social connection, conducted thousands of interviews and discovered that the key to the deep connection we so desperately desire is vulnerability. "There can be no intimacy—emotional intimacy, spiritual intimacy, physical intimacy—without vulnerability," said Brown.

"If you're going to be brave, you're going to know uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. And if you think you're courageous and you're comfortable, you're probably not being that brave," she says.

Even though we may fear the risk of getting hurt or rejected, it is the secret to success in a rewarding, meaningful, and long-lasting relationship. A study presented at the American Psychological Association's 120th Annual Convention found that people who were more honest and authentic in relationships increased their well-being and improved those relationships.

Moreover, vulnerability is an increasingly rare and beautiful quality that draws people to us. "We are drawn to people who are real and down-to-earth," says Brown. People find comfort in the presence of those who are unabashedly themselves because it ultimately allows them to do the same.

Why do we fear vulnerability?

Relationships and the risk that comes with them are unavoidable. And even though it may be scary to put yourself out there and be vulnerable, forgoing it means being unseen, unheard, and unknown by those most important to you, and that is often worse than risking rejection. When we shield ourselves from hurt, we also shield ourselves from love.

In saying that, there are many valid reasons why we may fear vulnerability. Perhaps we are afraid that if we let our true feelings be known, we will be met with silence or abandonment. We may fear that if someone finds out who we are, we will suddenly find ourselves undesired and unloved. We fear the hurt and humiliation we could easily avoid by not risking emotional exposure at all. When it all boils down, the fear is not so much of vulnerability as it is of rejection.

We need to appear self-contained, independent, and strong because of societal and cultural pressures, brushing off vulnerability as being weak. This is especially true in our obsessively curated era of having a glistening, perfect life on social media. Tempted to show only the highlight reels of our lives, we resist showing others that we are not perfect, have insecurities, and don't have it all figured out. However, the defense mechanisms we employ to strengthen those appearances often have a detrimental effect on our well-being and relationships.

Our fear of being vulnerable may also go back to our childhood upbringing, where we likely learned how to relate to other people from our parents. How they treated each other can form or rupture our emotional connections with others. An example of this would be having a neglectful or abusive parent, which can lead us to believe that we are a burden or unlovable. We learn that it is not safe or okay to be ourselves, and emotional defenses, safety measures, and coping mechanisms kick into gear to shield ourselves from further hurt and pain. Though these may have been necessary during childhood, they can hinder our growth as adults. As we mature, we can feel pain and learn from it. Keeping those defenses up, however, can hurt our connections—to ourselves and others.

Many of us possess an inner voice that tells us not to be ourselves, that it's not a good idea to say I love you, and  not to put ourselves out there. The more we listen to that voice, the more we reaffirm long-held beliefs about ourselves that are not necessarily true or helpful. Its job is to prevent us from forming intimate and deep relationships that will help us thrive, grow, and flourish in life.

However, by avoiding vulnerability, we resist the one thing that makes the true connection possible. Says Brown, "One of the reasons there is such an intimacy deficit today is because we don't know how to be vulnerable. It's about being honest with how we feel, about our fears, about what we need, and asking for what we need. Vulnerability is the glue that holds intimate relationships together."

How to be vulnerable in your relationships

We have opportunities to be vulnerable every day, like being with someone at the hospital, confronting a colleague about something that upset you at work, or simply being there for a friend during a difficult time. When we choose to be vulnerable, we allow others to know and love us and create the space to know and love them in return. Like anything, it is a skill that can develop with practice, patience, and courage.

Here are five ways you can cultivate vulnerability in relationships:

1. Understand yourself. You cannot be vulnerable or communicate your truth if you don't know what that is. It is worth taking some time to understand what it is you think and feel and why. 

2. Say what you think. Sometimes, it's easier to keep our thoughts and opinions to ourselves because we don't want to rock the boat. Encourage being more open yourself by being open to other people's thoughts and feedback, as this will foster more compassion and authenticity.

3. Ask for what you want. There is courage in saying that you are struggling and in need of a helping hand. You are doing nobody a favor by dismissing your pain for fear of being a burden to other people. It gives our loved ones a chance to respond to our needs and presents an opportunity for closeness. 

4. Be honest with your emotions. Acknowledging and accepting our emotions for what they are without judging, shaming, or dismissing them is a sign of emotional maturity. Even if you feel embarrassed or scared opening up to them, let the other person know that rather than pretending like it doesn't matter. "There is this idea that being vulnerable means opening ourselves up to attack," says Gwendolyn Nelson Terry, a marriage and family therapist. "Within a relationship, though, it is necessary to be vulnerable to build intimacy with your partner. Being vulnerable in a relationship means allowing your partner to know you fully: your thoughts, feelings, challenges, weaknesses."

5. Be present with others. A big part of embracing vulnerability is being present with others, even though it may feel uncomfortable or awkward. Look them in the eye, listen emphatically to what they are saying, and make sure all your attention is on them (and put down the smartphone). Full engagement and presence are particularly important during serious conversations. Ensure that you are both emotionally ready to receive what is being said at a time and place mutually agreed upon.

Tap into your vulnerable side with an online therapist's support

Opening up your heart is often the most challenging aspect of love, and even though there are no guarantees when it comes to relationships, what is certain is that vulnerability is the vehicle to greater intimacy, deeper relationships, and more authentic love.

If you're struggling with being vulnerable, you may want to consider talking to a mental health professional either on your own or with your partner. Online therapy can be a great way to get in touch with your feelings. If you've had experiences in your life which have made you prone to not want to be seen as vulnerable, online talk therapy can help you learn to open up. 

Regain is an online therapy platform that offers access to a wide variety of licensed therapists. Get matched with someone trained to help out with your particular situation. You can meet with your therapist anywhere you have access to the internet—at any time that works with your schedule. A therapist can meet with you alone or with your partner, whichever best suits your needs.

Takeaway

The quality of your life all comes down to the degree to which you can be vulnerable. When you feel yourself recoiling in fear in a relationship, choose to be courageous and allow yourself to feel vulnerable instead. Writes Brown in her book Daring Greatly: "Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path."