10 Keys To Rebuilding Trust In A Relationship

When betrayal occurs in an important relationship, it can shake you to your core. It's an emotionally painful experience that causes you to rethink who you are, evaluate various experiences in your life, and reframe your feelings about trust. The loss of trust is most likely the worst outcome of this betrayal and may seem impossible to regain. Is it possible to have a healthy relationship after betrayal?

Difficult as it may be, working through a betrayal to rebuild trust in a relationship can make it stronger in the end. To reconcile a relationship, it's necessary to have forgiveness on both ends. Both parties need to forgive and restore and rebuild the relationship. When both people are committed to the process, trust can be restored. In this article, we explore the possibility of rebuilding trust in a relationship, even after a betrayal. There are key strategies you can use to work to this place; however, it takes a commitment to the process and a willingness to explore forgiveness and improved communications. Read on to find out how.

The role of trust in relationships

”Through my research, I’ve found that trust is essential to healthy relationships and healthy communities—and I’ve started to learn how we can build trust." Dr. John Gottman

Trust is one of the most important characteristics of every relationship, allowing you to be open and feel safe to express your vulnerability. Your capacity for an emotional connection increases incrementally with the more trust you have.

Most people are aware that complete trust can only develop over time. You may believe you trust  each other when you your relationship is in the early stages. However, building trust occurs when you recover from your partner letting you down or you forgive your partner for being dishonest with you. As the relationship grows and deepens, trust grows along with it.

When a betrayal happens in a relationship, the trust bond is obviously shaken, and you may not be able to foresee a recovery. However, if you have decided you want to stay in the relationship, you understand the importance of rebuilding that broken trust (you are reading this article, after all). To move forward, depending on the situation that compromised the trust, you may also have to accept some responsibility for allowing the betrayal to happen. This includes placing some trust within yourself as well as the other person.

The following are key points you can use to help you on the journey to healing the trust bond that was broken and move you on the path to a whole relationship again. 

10 keys to rebuilding trust in a relationship

Trust requires a mutual understanding and appreciation of vulnerability. When a betrayal has occurred in a relationship, rebuilding trust may be the last thing on your mind. Trust involves opening yourself up emotionally, mentally, or physically to another person in many ways. When this is broken, you may find that you have closed all these aspects of yourself. Healing all that what was lost in the betrayal will be a difficult journey. It will help to keep some important thoughts and principles in mind as you take this important step. Here are ten keys to consider:

Commit yourself to the process

Recognize that rebuilding a relationship will be a process that takes time. Some days will certainly bring more progress than other days. Be equally committed to the process of trust rebuilding in a relationship. Following through with your commitment to working through the different stages of the process may feel impossible some days. If you both remind each other that you agreed to reestablish your trust bond and that it will take time, you can overcome what is stopping you and get back to the work at hand. 

Own up to your role in the betrayal

The betrayal that occurred is by no means your responsibility or a consequence of your actions. The person who broke your trust is responsible, However, you can be open to the notion that you may have been part an overarching problem in the relationship itself. These issues can be worked on as you proceed on the journey of forgiveness and rebuilding process.

If you have some responsibility, accept it, and acknowledge it. Do not blame the other person or deflect the issue in any way. The other person will more easily own their part in the problem when they know you are responsibility for any wrongdoing or other issue in the relationship. 

Make a plan for an apology

This phase of rebuilding the trust process will likely feel uncomfortable. It helps to make a plan to prepare for an apology. If you are the party responsible for the betrayal, gather your thoughts and write them down. You may find it helpful to rehearse your apology, but be genuine and intentional when you actually apologize. Be careful so that you don't come off as fake or phony.

One way to do this is to use "I" statements. For example, "I feel bad that our trust is broken, and I'd like to move forward and put this behind us. When you finally have the opportunity, be open to the conversation and prepared for an emotional exchange. 

Consider the timing of your request

There's a lot to be said for good timing. Ask the other person when a good time would be to talk. Tell them that you have something important to say. Choose a time and location where there won't be any distractions. Make sure you are clear about what you are talking about, so they are emotionally prepared for the conversation. 

Forgive yourself

Forgive yourself for anything for any sense of responsibility you feel for contributing to the problem. We often tend to find blame within ourselves for some reason. Self-forgiveness requires self-compassion and acceptance of our vulnerabilities. Acknowledge your self-worth and understand you are not responsible for someone else’s betrayal. You are a reflection of yourself, and others are a reflection of themselves too.

Use active listening skills

Once you've had your chance to speak and air your side of things, use active listening skills to hear the other person out. This skill involves staying focused on the present, setting your own agenda aside, checking in with your partner, and not rushing in to fix your partner’s problem. Make eye contact and watch your body language so the other person knows that you're open to what they have to say. Emotions may run high but do your best to remain calm. Validate their feelings. They have a right to their feelings just as you have a right to yours. You can also ask for the same in return when you are speaking. 

Forgive the other person

Before you move to forgiveness, know that this step does not condone their behavior nor excuse it. Do your best to regain control of your emotional well-being. Find your inner peace. Understand that to forgive the other person doesn't mean that you must let them off the hook. Forgiving the other person is about you regaining your emotional freedom.

During your conversation, do your best to take the focus off the events and place the focus on the other person's perspective. Try to see them as a whole person that has made mistakes and has flaws. The process will seem less personal.

If you continue to stew in anger, reel yourself in, and call their good qualities to attention. We all make mistakes.

Take note that fear comes from worrying that the person will break your trust again. You may be afraid of the shame and humiliation that you'd feel if it happened again. Each time it happens, it takes a toll on your self-esteem. Trust in why you will be fine and why you won't have any fear. Then garner strength from other challenges where you were challenged and came out of it a stronger person.

Trust the other person

Forgiveness requires elements of faith and trust. There's no way to know what the outcome will be in the end. For this reason, you must have some faith and trust in the other person. Carefully assess your relationship with the other person and make a reasonable appraisal about what you think their behavior will likely be in the future.

If the person seems apologetic and willing to make amends and act with integrity in other areas of their life, this relationship is worth saving. If there were extenuating circumstances, consider them honestly. Decide whether you'll get better from the relationship than bad.

If you've seen betrayal surface in other areas of the person's life, the relationship may not be worth saving.

Back-up your words with actions

Strive to be your best self. Be willing to go the distance until the relationship returns to steadier ground.

This is also the time for you to let your best character qualities shine. Be kind, patient, humble, affectionate, loyal, and trustworthy. Even after there has been forgiveness, there are bound to be some tender feelings. This isn't the time to joke or be snarky or sarcastic, which could be misconstrued as a jab.

Be patient

Rebuilding trust in a relationship takes time and patience. First and foremost, take responsibility for yourself, but also be patient with yourself. Be aware that the relationship may change, and it should change for the better. View this as an opportunity to grow and be a better person.

As you move forward and rebuild trust, remember that you were willing to accept the other person's flaws from the start. It's just as important to accept them during the rebuilding trust process, just as you will want them to accept your flaws. The bad times you may have had in the past will help you appreciate all the good times. Don't withhold trust out of fear or anger will prevent you from making a genuine connection moving forward. 

Seeking couples counseling

When you choose to stay in a relationship that has experienced a betrayal, rebuilding trust is an step that can be difficult to do on your own. Fortunately, you can meet with a couples counselor to support you through the process. Getting the help of a professional to set you, and your partner, up for success is an ideal path to healing your relationship.

If you and your partner are busy and you are unable to coordinate your schedules to meet with a therapist in-person, you may find online counseling a beneficial option. Studies have shown that many couples feel a greater sense of control and comfort when participating in online therapy sessions and report the experience to be beneficial and positive for their relationship. You have the options to choose either solo or couples counseling, all from the comfort and ease of your own home. 

You can reach out to Regain and ask to be matched with a licensed counselor specializing in working with people who have experienced betrayal and want to rebuild a better relationship. Know that there are never any guarantees as to the outcome. You will gain a lot in the process of trying and taking steps to see it through. Consider Dr. Kevin Arnold’s words in his article titled Rebuilding Trust: Moments to Make Better Memories; "We all are rewarded by things that go well, but you may find yourself even more excited when you fix something that could have ended badly. When teams come from behind and snatch victory from the jaws of defeat, even the losing team's fans applaud." The process of rebuilding trust will help you grow as a person and find deeper meaning in the relationship itself. When you are ready, reach for a therapist to start the process. 

Takeaway

Relationships are complicated enough as it is. It can be even more confusing to know how to respond to a situation where an important person in your life betrays you. Do you kick the relationship to the curb? Can you both learn to forgive and overcome the relationship? If you are unsure how to answer these questions, you can reach for professional advice from a couples’ counselor. Repairing broken trust can be difficult in a relationship, but it isn’t impossible. Under the guidance of an online couples therapist, you both can work through the process of rebuilding trust and get your relationship back on track.