Marriage And Relationships: Seven Approaches To Healing From Infidelity

Infidelity can be, and often is, a death blow to a relationship. However, it doesn’t have to be. Every relationship can be different, and you don’t need to handle infidelity in the same way that someone else would or in the ways that you’ve seen it handled by others. Here, we’ll look at a number of different ways in which infidelity in a relationship can be approached, depending on different relationship factors. Some of them are approaches that you can take to heal yourself and rebuild trust in your relationship, while others are approaches that you can take to heal yourself while leaving the relationship behind you.

Infidelity in relationships

Relationships, as we often hear, are largely built on trust. As a result, infidelity can feel like a battering ram to the foundation of your lives together.

However, battering rams don’t usually bring down a structure with one hit, especially if the structure is well-built. You can walk away or ask yourself how severely the relationship was damaged and whether it is worth repairing.

Infidelity can happen

When a partner cheats, it can be easy for the other partner to feel completely alone. However, infidelity can unfortunately be fairly common. Around 13-21% of people report infidelity at some point in their lives, and these numbers may be even higher in reality.

So, if you’re on the other end of infidelity, it can help to know that you aren’t alone. Many people experience it as part or the end of their relationship. Still, the fact remains that infidelity doesn’t have to cause you and your partner to go your separate ways – it’s largely up to you to decide whether it’s something you can move on from.

Infidelity hurts everyone

When we think of infidelity, we often think of one partner being hurt by the other. This can indeed be the case. However, infidelity often occurs because the partner that cheated also felt some degree of frustration or hurt.

While infidelity is never a healthy or acceptable way to behave, there are some factors that may lead a person to cheat while in a relationship, such as:

• Lack of love or intimacy
• Need for variety
• Sexual desires
• Anger
• Low self-esteem
• Unplanned circumstances
• Differences in commitment levels or plans for the future

Further, the partner who cheated often realizes later what they did and may feel pain of their own.

Therefore, infidelity can hurt the relationship, the partner that was cheated on, and even the partner that did the cheating. Understanding each layer can be an important step toward understanding the situation and making the best decisions on how to move forward.

Healing from infidelity: Is it possible to heal completely from infidelity?

Below are some steps you can take to heal from infidelity regardless of what you choose to do.

Approach 1: Take off

If you have to leave the relationship to begin the healing process, it may be best to do so. It’s often best to make this decision after you’ve given it some serious thought to make sure that it truly feels like the right thing for you. This may be especially true if you’re married or in a serious, committed relationship.

If you need to, you can stay with a friend or family member while you sort things out.

Approach 2: Identify underlying problems in your marriage or relationship

Sometimes, infidelity seems to happen and no one can really explain why.

Other times, however, the unfaithful partner may have done it because, in their eyes, there was something wrong with the relationship. They may have felt neglected or hurt themselves and made a regrettable decision because of this unhappiness.

This isn’t an excuse for being unfaithful, but it can be a blessing in disguise. If you and your partner decide to try to fix the relationship, you may at least know where to begin.

Approach 3: Talk it out

Even if there wasn’t an identifiable cause for the infidelity, that doesn’t mean that nothing can be achieved by talking.

Both of you airing your feelings out can help you rebuild your relationship or help provide closure if the relationship doesn’t last. You both may be experiencing some very difficult emotions but expressing them healthily and productively can be good for both of you and the relationship. 

You may feel the pressure to say something productive that will help you steer the relationship in the right direction. However, just talking can be productive enough at this point. It could be that neither of you knows what to do for the relationship right now, and that’s okay.

Approach 4: Talk to someone else

After infidelity, your partner can be the last person that you want to talk to. They can also be the last person that you do talk to. But you likely still need to talk to someone.

Close friends and family members can both be good options. If you need to, you can also talk to a therapist or relationship counselor, but we’ll return to that later.

Approach 5: Establish boundaries

Sometimes, managing your feelings after infidelity can be extremely challenging. You may not know where you want the relationship to go, and that’s okay – you don’t need to make any decisions right away.

Instead, talk with your partner about how you want to go forward. The relationship may be difficult for a while, but it can potentially be improved by establishing clear boundaries. You might decide, for instance, that any future infidelity will be cause for ending the relationship. Or, you might ask your partner to check in with you when they’re out to help rebuild your sense of trust.

Whatever you decide, make sure your boundaries are followed and respected if you plan to continue the relationship.

Approach 6: Hit reset so you can find healing from infidelity

You may decide to take some time apart from your partner or decide to “hit reset” on the relationship.

Healing from infidelity can mean rebuilding intimacy, and one of the best ways to do that may be to pretend that you’re starting over – only this time with the wisdom you gained from your relationship so far. This isn’t to say you should forget about infidelity or the pain it can cause, but you might decide to move forward by forgiving and starting with a clean slate.

Approach 7: Getting help for affair recovery

Sometimes, a couple isn’t able to work through a problem like an infidelity on their own. In these cases, they may need the help of a third party. 

A relationship counselor can fill this role and help you do a number of things. First, they can help you both sort through all of your emotions in healthy and constructive ways. They can help you determine why infidelity happened and whether it is in your best interest to maintain the relationship or split up. A relationship counselor likely won’t tell you what to do one way or the other; instead, they may help you make your own conclusions.

Online counseling

Relationship counselors can work with both partners together, separately, or with only one partner. Options like online relationship counseling can make it easier to participate in the type of therapy that makes sense for your mental health needs. This method can be much more affordable and convenient while remaining as effective as conventional counseling.

Most people who pursue online counseling find some benefit in it, too. One recent study found that 95% of couples who participate in online couples counseling find the experience to be helpful, which means that you and your partner might, too. 

Takeaway

Infidelity can be a notorious killer of relationships, but it doesn’t have to be the end of your bond with your partner. That doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be. It just means that you may need to be sure to give yourself and your partner the time to work through what you are both feeling to determine the best course of action for you and your relationship. Healing can be possible no matter what, and it may simply take time and practice to fully move on.