Did My Mom Cheating On My Dad Have Any Effect On My Relationships?

When cheating occurs within a family, all members are often affected by it. While today's society is more open to different types of relationships, infidelity is still discouraged in most circles. Esther Perel, psychotherapist and author of "State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity," states that the rate of married women who cheat has increased by 40% since the 1990s. Depending on the child's age at the time they learned about mom's transgressions, they could be impacted by the cheating in a number of ways. Adult children of cheating parents usually struggle with trust to some degree throughout their lives, among other things. Much of how kids deal with mom cheating has to do with their relationship with both parents, their age at the time, and whether they've engaged in counseling to help them pick up the pieces.

The type of affair has an impact on the effects on the children

It's natural for adult children with a mother who cheated to question whether they will do the same thing. According to Ana Nogales, a clinical psychologist and author of Parents Who Cheat: How Children and Adults Are Affected When Their Parents Are Unfaithful, 55% of children raised in families where one parent cheated became cheaters after they became adults.

How children are affected by maternal infidelity depends on how the parents deal with the infidelity and the child's age and maturity level. Another factor is whether it was a one-time thing, a long-standing affair, or many affairs over time.

Some of how children respond to their mother's infidelity may depend on how the affair came about. Some affairs happen unintentionally. It usually begins with a breakdown in communication within the marriage that creates an opening for someone else to capture a mother's attention. This type of situation can occur with a co-worker or someone else they spend a lot of time with. It can be easier for a mother to succumb to infidelity when they feel neglected in their marriage and don't feel like they can talk about it with their spouse. Even if they have tried talking to their spouse about it, it may have just fallen on deaf ears. This is how many affairs begin.

Another form of infidelity is a woman who constantly seeks the attention and affection of other people outside of their relationship, similar to men who are referred to as a "womanizer." In this type of situation, the woman has a pattern of infidelity, and it falls into more of an addiction.

Children tend to be more forgiving with their mothers when it's a one-time unintentional affair rather than an ongoing transgression.

Will I become a cheater if my mother was one?

Several issues can come into play when a mother gets caught cheating on their husband. The impact depends, in part, on the parent and child's relationship after the affair begins.

Children whose parents confided in them about the affair and looked to them for consolation tend to be the angriest later in life. Children may also blame their dad for not giving their mother the necessary sense of love and affection that they needed to prevent the affair.

Daughters may empathize more with their mother's pain than sons. Although younger children may not understand what’s going on, they can still be deeply affected. Young children are often confused by adult lingo and lengthy explanations. All they know is that this new issue has destroyed their image of the perfect parents. Young children may begin to question other things and wonder if anything is lasting and real.

A mother's affair can be especially devastating for children when it calls paternity into question. If a mother lied to their children about paternity, it could affect the child's own identity. Secrecy, shame, and deceitfulness can all be toxic in relationships, especially those with children because they put so much trust in their parents.

While the statistics are fairly high for children of a cheating mother to cheat on their significant others as adults, kids of cheaters aren't necessarily destined for infidelity. As with any loss, children whose mothers have cheated usually need to grieve the loss of the "ideal parent." Counseling can help them address their feelings of betrayal and anger so that they don't unconsciously repeat the negative behavioral patterns of their parents. Therapists can be instrumental in framing the issue to help these adult children understand what they do and don't want to be like.

Cheating mothers may or may not recognize the effects of their affairs on their children. Some mothers may see that their children are devastated by the disruption within the family due to their actions. Other mothers may deny that there is any effect on the children at all. The reality is that kids can and do pick up on signs that their mother is cheating before it ever comes out in the open.

How parents respond to children impacts how well they process

The pain and shock from an affair may make the dad withdraw from the children emotionally. Children may also feel like their parents are drawing them into the trauma. Infidelity is ultimately the parent's problem, and children shouldn't become pawns of triangulation or feel pressured to take sides. It can be inappropriate and traumatizing for children to be manipulated into taking sides or partake in vilifying either parent. The separation between parents can make a child feel as though they lost one of their parents.

Mothers who cheat on their husbands sometimes go into a euphoric state, where they're so involved in the new love that they fail to connect their actions with the consequences. Some mothers fully convince themselves that the affair can exist and not hurt anyone. They believe that they can control the level of hurt and pain, which is not true.

Mothers who are tempted to cheat on their husbands might want to be aware that traumatic feelings in their children may be somewhat suppressed during childhood and re-surface more strongly when they become adults. Children can be affected while the affair is going on before it's divulged as well as after it's been out in the open. Before the affair is made known, children usually notice signs that something is different, just as a father may notice. These signs will likely be accompanied by a mixture of emotions like fear, anxiety, and mistrust. Anxiety connected with mistrust may linger through your child's adulthood and cause problems in their romantic relationships.

Children often have even more emotional issues to contend with once an affair has been divulged. The energy in the home typically changes, and younger children don't understand why. A strained environment can be traumatic for children. They can sense their foundation crumbling, but they often can't put their feelings into words. 

Many children begin to display regressive behaviors once the word is out that mom is having an affair. Their behavior may regress and manifest in bed-wetting, physical illness, clinging, thumb-sucking, temper tantrums, or night terrors. While younger children enjoy spending time with friends, their immediate family is their whole world. Some children alter their behavior and try to perfect it. They may work hard to hide their anxiety as well.

Older children may also regress in some ways, although their language skills have developed to the point that they're more able to express their feelings. Older children can process abstract thinking. This can cause them to entertain several "what ifs” such as: What will happen in the future? Will I have to move? Will I have to change schools? Will my parents go through a divorce? Will my mother continue to be with this other person? Will my father move out of the house? Will my mother’s lover be moving into our home? Will I have to deal with one or more stepparents at some point? What will that be like for my siblings and me? Will there be any changes in my current level of freedom? What will my friends think? Have any of them been through a similar ordeal and be willing to support me through this? Does this mean that I'll lose any of my beloved pets?

It's not only young children that act out when their mother cheats on their father. Older children, teens, and adolescents may also act out. The teen years can be turbulent as it is. Older children may go through a period of acting out, shoplifting, vandalizing property, getting into fights, running away, setting fires, being hyperactive, letting their grades drop, or misusing drugs or alcohol. Intentionally or unintentionally, they may believe that their behavior may put the spotlight on them and, in so doing, force their parents to stay together.

Online counseling with Regain

Children who witness one parent cheating on the other may struggle to cope with the negative emotions that result from the situation. When issues from childhood follow a person into adulthood, it can be vital to confront and heal from them. Regain offers online counseling for a variety of concerns and can be convenient for individuals as well as couples. With online therapy, there’s no need to sit in traffic or drive long distances to an office. Instead, you can begin to get care shortly after signing up on the platform. Whether you’ve been cheated on yourself or have otherwise been affected by infidelity, it is possible to move forward when you have the appropriate tools and support. 

The efficacy of online counseling 

Watching your parents fight, split up, or go through hard times may cause you to develop mental health conditions like anxiety or depression. Online counseling has been shown to be effective in treating these types of conditions. Researchers concluded in one study that a multimodal digital therapy platform reduced symptoms of various psychiatric disorders including depression, anxiety, PTSD, and more. 

Counselor reviews

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Takeaway

Finding out that your mom has been cheating on your dad can be disheartening. Infidelity can break relationships and families apart and have lasting effects on everyone involved. Every situation is different, and some kids experience more support through these events than others. Those who suspect that their relationship issues are a result of witnessing infidelity as a child may benefit from online counseling. Having a healthy relationship is something everyone deserves; your past doesn’t have to hold you back from building your own.