How To Forgive A Cheater: Six Ways To Move Past Betrayal

Infidelity can rock a relationship to its core. When you learn of your partner's cheating ways, you may be asking yourself how to forgive a cheating partner. The answer to this is complex and has many moving parts.

How to forgive a cheater

Affairs are not always about whether your partner loves you. Humans have a primal instinct to feel included and loved. If something is getting in the way of intimacy in your relationship, it might drive your partner to look for these things elsewhere. While this doesn't make the behavior acceptable, it might help you to acknowledge this. There is likely nothing you could have done to prevent the affair, but there are things you can do to move forward and forgive a cheater.

Demand honesty

The first step to healing from infidelity is demanding stricter boundaries. Trust is one of the main things that is damaged, so you will need to take special care to heal that.

If your partner continues to lie, even if it isn't about seeing someone else, it will hurt the relationship. Your partner will need to take extra care while you are healing so that you can forgive. Otherwise, your healing from infidelity will be slowed down. Explain to your partner the extra effort that you will need to see to move past their infidelity. If your partner cares for you and the relationship, they will respect this and do what they can to oblige.

It will also be important that your partner is honest about why the cheating happened. If an ongoing relationship issue is tempting them to wander, the affair will likely reoccur. So that you can move past the betrayal, you must be sure it won't happen again. Once you have all the information out in the open, you can talk together about steps you can take to resolve your issues.

If you feel as if your partner is not honest with you, speak up. Additionally, you can't expect your partner to know what is going on with you unless you tell them. If you aren't honest about how you feel, you will stunt your progress and hurt yourself in the process.

Make sure your partner is remorseful

The actions that your partner takes once the affair is out in the open are very telling. One of the easiest things you can look for is remorse. People cheat for various reasons, but often cheating can be a mistake that they deeply regret. If they don’t regret cheating, then forgiveness and moving forward may not be possible.

Does your partner appear regretful about their reactions? Have they sincerely apologized? When they apologized, did they appear remorseful for the actions they took, or perhaps just that you found out? These are important things to look out for when you are deciding where your relationship stands.

If you believe your partner is remorseful and genuine, have a conversation. Ask them why they are remorseful. What steps will they take to prevent this from happening in the future? When did it end? How did it end? Have a plan for what they will do if their affair partner reaches out to them in the future.

Ask questions until you are satisfied and feel like you have a complete picture of the situation and what will happen in the future. If you begin to feel exhausted or overwhelmed, it's ok to take a break. Bookmark the conversation and pick it up later.

Leave the past in the past

One thing many couples struggle with after cheating is holding grudges. If you have decided to move forward, you must decide to live in the now.

If you are constantly bringing up the infidelity to your partner, you will do more harm than good. This could cause feelings of resentment for the two of you. On your side of the equation, holding a grudge will impede your growth. For your partner, it can cause feelings of doom. Should you choose to rehash their mistakes repeatedly, they will feel as if nothing they do can fix it.

It is completely normal for you to feel hurt and want to express this to your partner. To that end, it is okay to talk about it. The important thing to remember here is not to use your partner's past against them. That will only make for more hurt and disappointment in your relationship.

If your intention is truly to move forward, you must let go of the past. 

Build something new

After cheating, it can be difficult to imagine how your relationship can return to normal. While it is true that your relationship may never look the same, hope is not lost. If you are willing to get creative, there is a solution.

You can move forward in your love and work toward something new together. For some couples, this means wiping the slate clean and deciding to move forward together. For others, it could mean turning back time to a better point in their relationship.

Whatever you choose, make sure you and your partner are on the same page. Being a team is important in love and even more so in healing. If you can trust and believe in one another when it's hard, you will have a stronger relationship when it's easy, too. Work at building your relationship to be stronger, and it will safeguard you from dealing with the same things in the future.

No matter how you decide to proceed, stick to your plan. You must remain consistent.

Trust yourself

When you are trying to decide how to forgive a cheater, you may doubt yourself. Many people blame themselves after a bout of infidelity. You may wonder what you could have done differently or what the other person had that you didn't.

If you feel these thoughts creep into your mind, don't give them power. Blaming yourself for your partner's mistakes won't solve your problems. There are things you can remind yourself of instead.

The emotional turmoil you are putting yourself through is likely to make things worse. Remember that the cheating isn't your fault, and there's nothing you could have done differently. You might also want to prioritize your own mental health in the aftermath of an unfaithful partner rather than immediately focusing all your energy on trying to mend the relationship.

Learning how to forgive a cheater is not easy

While you are dealing with the fallout of the infidelity, you must trust yourself with your decisions. There are many crossroads that you will come to while you are healing, and to choose the right path, you will need to trust yourself. You cannot waste time questioning why you feel a certain way or wondering what you should do. Trust your instincts and know in your heart that you will do the right thing for both you and your partner.

Things to remember

Think of these when you go through infidelity and cheating issues. 

• How you decide to deal with your problems is ultimately your decision. Your partner has made a mistake, and it is now up to you to decide how to move forward.
• Demanding to know your partner's every move or frequently checking phone records is unhealthy. If moving forward without keeping extra tabs on your partner is not an option, leave the relationship.
• Resist the urge to retaliate. No matter how badly you are hurting, there is no excuse for revenge. Your partner may have made a mistake, but that does not entitle you to harm them.
• Abuse of your partner is never excusable. Even if you feel the cheating was extremely severe, you should never physically or emotionally abuse your partner.
• Sometimes, no amount of effort will be enough to save your relationship. Learning sometimes means leaving the cheater in the past. It can mean separation or divorce.

If you or a loved one is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7.

Enlist professional help

If you feel like you are going around in circles or you can't figure out how to forgive your cheating partner, you might need some extra help. Professional guidance in the form of a trained counselor or therapist could give you the extra push you need to succeed.

The counselors at Regain are fully trained and ready to help. The best thing about Regain is that it is an online service. This means no frustrating commutes or wasted time in waiting rooms. You can choose to attend your sessions alone or alongside your partner from the comfort of your own home.

Therapy is a great option for relationships damaged by infidelity. Your therapist can help you to decipher what the root cause of your issue is. To take it a step further, they can also help you untangle your issues, allowing you to feel better than before. He or she can also act as a mediator and help to facilitate the right questions to ask to heal fully from the cheating.

Online therapy can be a great way to work on repairing your relationship. It has been proven just as effective as in-person therapy and may be more convenient when you're trying to work around the schedule of more than one person.

Takeaway

If you are ready to move on in your relationship, but you aren't having much success, therapy could be right for you. With Regain, you can start right now - so why wait another minute? Log in and get started!