I Cheated On My Boyfriend: Is Reconciliation Possible?
Cheating is, by and large, considered an unacceptable transgression that can cause an end to the relationship. Although some cultures might not place as high a premium on fidelity, most individuals agree that to cheat is to trespass some form of morality and is undoubtedly a betrayal to your partner. What happens, though, when you are the one who has made a mistake?
Why people cheat
There is no hard and fast rule about why people cheat. In fact, researchers have found that the reasons for cheating can be complex and result from patterns of behavior not explained by common stereotypes. In this study, a sample of 495 people were recruited from a large university pool and were asked to complete a survey that answered the question, “Why did you cheat?” The survey showed eight primary reasons for this behavior, including:
- Self-Esteem
- Anger
- Low commitment
- Lack of love
- Neglect
- Need for variety
- Sexual desire
- Circumstance or situation
Cheating can occur when someone is not in their right mind, such as during a drinking binge or while engaging in substance use. Still, it can also happen when you are in your right mind entirely and you make a split-second decision to step outside of your relationship. Cheating comes in all forms and with all types of reasoning, but figuring out your reasons for cheating is an integral part of moving forward.
Although you may not be able to answer the question of why people cheat, you certainly can answer the question of why you cheated. This will be an essential part of reconciliation. Knowing the root cause can help you understand your motivation and avoid the same mistake in the future. Furthermore, it can help you explain to your partner why you stepped outside of your relationship.
Many of the reasons for infidelity might not even be conscious; insecurity, fear of abandonment, addiction, fear of vulnerability, and poor childhood models can all be unconscious reasons for cheating. Conscious reasons for cheating can include vengeance, bids for attention, acting out, and trying to sabotage a relationship. No matter the exact reason, though, cheating almost always signifies the presence of dissatisfaction, and a need for healing, and a deeper issue at play.
Working through infidelity
Working through infidelity requires both partners to be on board. Even if you want to work on your relationship after you have made a mistake, your partner might not want to-and, you must respect that decision. Cheating breaks the trust in a relationship in a compelling way. Rebuilding trust can be a matter of time, possibly years and countless hours of dedicated work. You may be prepared to put in the miles to make your relationship work or make it stronger than it has ever been a before. However, your partner might not be willing to put in the effort, which leaves you to navigate your wounded heart on your own.
If your partner is willing to work through infidelity, the two of you must agree upon certain boundaries, communication issues, and relationship troubles. You also must both be willing and dedicated to committing 100% to your relationship. To work through infidelity, the two of you must work on several aspects of your relationship, including:
Move past cheating
Both partners must communicate honestly, openly, and with compassion. Your partner may want to know every intimate detail of your affair-and you may be compelled to offer those details. This is an important step in reconciliation, but it can also be a step that drives a wedge even further between the two of you. Even so, you owe it to one another, to be honest, as honesty will be a driving force in healing your relationship.
Rebuild trust
Building trust can take years but starts with honesty and openness. To build trust, the two of you must be willing to be transparent with one another, which means being honest about any resentment, frustration, or pain you are both dealing with. When one or both of your lies, hides, or in any way breaks trust, it is imperative to take steps to correct your mistake immediately.
Cultivate independence
Although it might seem counterintuitive, many relationships begin to go sour due to codependence and couples being far too intertwined in one another. Make sure you are exploring interests and relationships outside of yourselves, cultivating friendships, skills, and interests on your own or with friends. Making each other your entire world can put immense pressure on a relationship and can make partners feel stifled. Cultivating independence can help improve your relationship and allow both of you to heal faster if your reconciliation does not go as planned.
Establish boundaries
Setting boundaries is another important part of healing, as the two of you need to create space to heal. There will be times when one or both of you will be hit with the pain and frustration of cheating, and you will likely need some space from one another. When you or your partner need that space, you must honor each other’s needs and adhere to boundaries that you’ve set.
Although these are not the only facets of healing a broken relationship, these are some of the basic steps involved in repairing a broken relationship and can set yours both on your way to healing.
When cheating breaks a relationship
In some cases, cheating cannot be resolved. The most common reason for cheating completely obliterating a relationship is a habit: if you have habitually cheated on your boyfriend, there may not be as great hope for reconciliation. While some partners may be willing to work through a problem of this magnitude, habitual cheating often signals something far greater at play than a simple indiscretion or a one-off mistake.
Cheating can also break a relationship when it is a symptom of a greater problem. Cheating can be indicative of mood and personality disorders, including narcissistic personality disorder. In these cases, relationships may not work out unless the root cause has been worked through and treated.
Being unwilling to work through and manage the intense emotions of your partner will also put a wedge in reconciliation. Your partner is likely experiencing a massive storm of emotions, and these emotions can arise unpredictably and in intensity for months after your affair. If you are not willing to deal with your partner’s pain or put in the immense amount of work required to make your relationship better, reconciliation is highly unlikely.
Working on yourself after you have cheated
One important aspect of healing after cheating on your partner is getting help on your own, in addition to getting help with your partner. Cheating is not healthy behavior, regardless of the circumstances, and usually indicates something else. With the help of a therapist, you can start to work on any conditions that might have led to your cheating, such as self-esteem issues, chronic stress, depression, and other concerns, including maladaptive coping mechanisms.
Reconciliation is a joint venture, but you might bear a greater weight than your boyfriend as the person who cheated. After all, you are the half of the relationship that may have a more significant need to prove your trustworthiness. You may have to divulge information about yourself and any past activities that might have led to you cheating or influenced your behavior toward your boyfriend. Building your self-esteem and learning to be honest with yourself regarding your needs and wants is vital to healing and moving forward in your relationship.
Not all relationships move from confrontation to repair immediately; instead, some couples need time apart to determine whether reconciliation is possible, or even desirable. This is a perfect time to begin working on yourself by building your confidence, getting to the root of your issues, and determining what about your relationship needs to be worked on and why your relationship means so much to you.
Can reconciliation occur after an affair?
Although reconciliation is certainly difficult following an affair, it is not impossible. Provided that both of you are willing to put in the time, effort, and devotion into your relationship, you can rebuild trust, improve communication, and create an even stronger relationship than the one you had before your affair.
As the offending party, you may have to put in more hours and reveal more of your relationship history than your partner. On the heels of infidelity, many partners want to know as much as possible about the time of the affair This includes all the factors involved, and exactly how involved the two of you were. Your boyfriend may want you to rehash the events again and again to understand. This is why setting strong boundaries, and open communication channels are vital pieces in reconciliation; partners can hurt each other more if they are not careful during the reconciliation process.
Healing from betrayal is difficult, but if both of you truly want to continue your relationship, a licensed couples therapist can help you navigate the difficult moments while improving communication as you work towards reconciliation. Whether your boyfriend decides to stay or you end your relationship, do not hesitate to make an appointment with a therapist to help you work through the issues that led to infidelity. Online therapy is convenient as you can get support from the comfort of your own home. Especially, if you feel a sense of shame in going to a public clinical office for mental health care. You may be concerned that online therapy is not as effective as in-person. Current research reveals that in people who received online therapy along with in-person reported that they felt their online therapist to be just as empathetic (if not more) as compared to their in-person therapist. If you need help, do not hesitate to reach for professional support.
Counselor reviews
“Stephen Witte is a fantastic listener! Stephen's guidance and experience with couples helped me and my partner through a time of infidelity and deception. Our sessions with Stephen helped guide us to healthier communication and the road to forgiveness. We used video chats. But I chatted Stephen with messages a few times throughout the week, and his responses helped me through tough/anxious moments with his perspective and encouragement. He was truthful about the tragedy that had occurred in our relationship, yet offered supportive strategies and guidance for us to help us get through. I felt like I could speak at him for minutes and throw a bunch out there, but he had a great way of picking out the most important part of what I was trying to say. He did a great job facilitating the discussion that helped me clarify my thoughts and communicate with my partner. My partner and I had multiple sessions with Stephen and both felt very comfortable speaking to him. Thank you very much, Stephen, for being here for us.”
Sessions with Natalie are very insightful and give practical advice on implementing new habits and changes. Be prepared to engage and be challenged to think in a different way. I know that my partner and I can already see improvements in our relationship and feel more positive about working through our issues together.”
Takeaway
Many couples experience a more effective and streamlined reconciliation approach when involving a third party. Therapists, such as those who work through Regain.Us, will bring a third-party perspective to the relationship, can help the two of you create realistic, healthy expectations within your relationship, and can guide you as you work toward your mutual goal of reconciling in the face of infidelity. Although the road is long and arduous, healing your relationship in the wake of cheating is possible and can be a beautiful journey.
Frequently asked question (FAQs)
What should I do if I cheated on my boyfriend?
In the aftermath of infidelity, it is normal not to want to think about it, especially when rehashing the event is making you feel bad. But whether you want to remain with your boyfriend or not, you must take a moment to reflect on why you cheated. Various factors contribute to infidelity, but while there can be no justification for cheating, these factors would determine if you should continue with the relationship.
If you feel a deep sense of guilt and regret after examining the reasons you cheated on your boyfriend, it could lead to low self-esteem. You may feel undeserving of your boyfriend’s love and affection, which could leave you being stuck in an unfulfilling relationship. In the instance that you feel vindicated by your action, remaining in such a relationship may not be ideal because you may struggle to remain faithful to him or respect him.
For some long-term couples, infidelity is a serious problem and possible dealbreaker. When you have cheated on your boyfriend or significant other, it can feel terrible for both people, and it may take time to examine overall relationship problems. A healthy first step after the betrayal is to admit to yourself, “I cheated on my boyfriend,” and ask yourself why you did it.
Next, it is important to decide whether to admit “I cheated on my boyfriend” to your significant other. Telling your boyfriend can be one of the most difficult things to do, but it is necessary to deal with the consequences, rather than keeping the fact that you cheated bottled up. Allow them to process the fact that you cheated and determine how to move on. If you cheated on your boyfriend or significant other, there’s a chance that they will not want to continue your current relationship. Still, it is important to examine any relationship issue that has impacted your long-term relationship to fix things if they do.
The moment you can identify and resolve the underlying issues, you will have the clarity of mind to decide what’s best for both of you. Make sure to consult a therapist if you need a professional to guide you through the process of moving on and making amends for your actions. Though cheating is likely a big relationship issue for you and your partner, it can also point to larger relationship problems or dissatisfaction.
Do you really love someone if you cheated on them?
The fact that you cheated on your partner does not mean you never loved him or that you no longer love him. Cheating could be due to various uncontrollable factors that made it difficult for you to be faithful to your boyfriend. Though this does not make it right, it provides a genuine basis for your actions. Considering that infidelity is not necessarily a reflection of how you feel about your partner and relationship, but possibly about how you feel about yourself, you can cheat on someone you love.
The motives for cheating as a form of self-exploration are undoubtedly different from cheating as an impulsive reaction to problems in the relationship. While the former is inherently selfish, the latter is more circumstantial. While cheating is not always all about sex, sometimes, it is just about the sex. You may not feel any emotional attachment for the other person, which means a part of you still holds your partner in high esteem.
If you are dealing with the dilemma of, "How could I have betrayed a boyfriend I thought I couldn't live without?" You need to understand that cheating is not often a rational decision, and as such, should not be used as the sole basis of how much you love your boyfriend.
Should I tell my boyfriend I cheated on him?
Trust and honesty are two of the most vital attributes of a healthy relationship. By cheating on your boyfriend, you have already betrayed his trust, and hiding your infidelity, may suggest you are unwilling to own up to your actions. It is understandable that you don’t want to hurt his feelings or cause an irreparable rift in your relationship, but there can be no true intimacy without honesty.
Though you should never feel pressured to discuss your infidelity with your boyfriend, especially when doing so could threaten your well-being, the longer you hide the truth from him, the more anxious you would be about him eventually finding out. By keeping your infidelity a secret, your feelings of guilt, fear, frustration, and shame may also intensify, which could lead to conflict between you and your boyfriend.
Saying to your boyfriend, I cheated, may help alleviate some of your guilt after you’ve cheated; however, some experts say that it is not always the right move. Telling your boyfriend that you cheated might make things worse, especially if you know you won’t do it again.
The phrase “once a cheater, always a cheater” does not necessarily ring true. For example, if you cheated on your boyfriend because of some larger issues within the relationship, but you are both willing to work on those issues for the long term, it may be wiser to deal with the consequences and guilt of cheating alone. Telling your partner you’ve cheated may make them trust you less, says Dr. Ruth of . Saying “I cheated on my boyfriend” in this case may rupture a current relationship that might have been successful, and it may be better in the long run to keep the fact that you cheated under wraps.
However, the relationship problems will not ever truly be solved for some people if the truth is not out in the open. While every relationship is different, consider the damaging long-term effects of keeping this secret.
You are probably wondering, "If I tell my boyfriend I cheated, should I also tell him the length of time I cheated?" While being thoroughly honest about what happened is the right step towards forgiveness and reconciliation, you should be careful about being overly detailed when you talk about your infidelity. A vivid description of your cheating may leave your boyfriend disorientated and sickened, considering mental images are not always easy to forget.
Why did I cheat on my boyfriend that I love?
There are different reasons why people cheat. A recent study found that eight key factors contribute to cheating. These factors are anger, lack of affection, sexual desire, low self-esteem, commitment issues, a need for variety, dissatisfaction, and situational factors.
If your boyfriend sexually or emotionally neglects you, it is natural to crave some form of intimacy and attention, even if this may lead to a desire to be with someone else. If you are constantly misunderstood or criticized by your boyfriend, cheating may occur due to you seeking a sense of validation. It could be hard feeling remorseful if you cheated on a boyfriend who is abusive and emotionally distant.
You may also cheat when the intensity of your love and attraction to your partner has declined, either due to health reasons or their inability to meet your needs. Some people cheat because they want out of the relationship and are no longer attracted to their partner. This may be due to feeling frustrated with certain aspects of the relationship or a need to experience something different. Some other people cheat because it is habitual and something they find no regret doing.
How often do people cheat?
Contrary to what you may believe, cheating is not as widespread as it is made to seem. An estimated 25% of men and 14% of women cheat. The General Social Survey revealed that even though men are generally more likely to cheat, the gender gap varies by age. However, women between 18 and 29 years are more likely to cheat than men in the same age group. For men, cheating peaks at 70 years and above, while the highest infidelity rate for women occurs when they are 60 years and older.
Men and women also have different perceptions of what constitutes cheating. 76% of women regarded flirting through text as cheating, but only 59% of men agreed. When it came to one-night stands, the perception is much similar, with 93% of women 91% of men considering it as cheating. The same study also found out that 28% of women 41% of men have thought about cheating at some point.
As regards the belief that “once a cheater always a cheater,” a study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that people with past experiences of engaging in infidelity were three-and-half times more likely to do the same in a later relationship. The study also suggested that 45% of people who cheated in their first relationship ended up cheating in their next relationship.
How do you fix a relationship after cheating?
No matter how much you want it to be, things would never be the same between you and your partner. But if you own up to your betrayal and accept responsibility for your actions, it gives you a fighting chance of saving your relationship. Of course, you will need to apologize for being unfaithful and convince your partner that you will never cheat again, but you must do this with sincerity and a clear sense of remorse.
It is vitally important that you cut off contact with the person you cheated on your partner with. This is not solely out of respect for your boyfriend, but because it would also reduce the possibility of you cheating again. Repairing the relationship and rebuilding trust could be tedious, but try not to rush the process or put your boyfriend under pressure to accept you back.
Consider offering to your boyfriend to participate in the fun activities you both used to engage in and ensure you spend a lot of time together. But continuing with the relationship is a decision you and your boyfriend must make together. Regardless of how much you love him, if your boyfriend is not interested in being committed to you or unwilling to forgive your transgression, moving on might be your best option. In any case, you and your boyfriend should consider seeing a couples therapist if you are struggling to resolve some of the issues that may have caused you to cheat in the first place.
Should you continue a relationship after cheating?
Ultimately, whether you choose to continue being in your relationship may depend on the nature of your infidelity. If you cheated on a boyfriend who does not consider infidelity to be a deal-breaker, there is a chance at reconciliation. But you should only make this decision if you are convinced your infidelity will not lead to further conflicts. One of the questions you should ask yourself is, "would he always bring up the time I cheated?"
Cheating is a deal-breaker for some people, but not every relationship ends because of infidelity. If there is a chance that you and your boyfriend can recover from what happened, then consider giving it a shot. However, if your boyfriend is resentful and hostile towards you, then the chances of you getting back together may be slim. You want to ensure you are in a healthy relationship with someone who will treat you with respect and dignity, regardless of the past.
In some instances, cheating may highlight some of the deeper issues that are wrong with your relationship. If you have no guarantees that these issues would be resolved, then bringing an end to the relationship may be in the best interest of you and your boyfriend.
How do I break up with someone I love?
Breaking up with someone you love is never easy, especially if it is because you cheated on a boyfriend that up until that moment was committed to you. Nonetheless, sometimes is the best thing to do. You must ensure this is really what you want and have a clear idea of why you want out of the relationship.
Acknowledge your feelings. Do not be afraid to admit that you can no longer be committed to the relationship. When you are done considering your feelings and your reasons for wanting a breakup, you need to communicate how you feel to your partner.
Try not to put the sole blame for your decision on your partner and be honest about why you are breaking up with him in a considerate and assertive way. If you can, explain your reasons for wanting a breakup, but be sure to walk away should the conversation become unhealthy or their behavior becomes violent and aggressive.
Once you are done with the breakup, create some distance between you and your partner. You may miss them in the first few weeks but resist the urge to call or send them messages. This would give you the time to outgrow whatever emotional attachment between you and him. If you do see each other, keep your conversation polite but refrain from personal discussions.
Why do people cheat on people they love?
Cheating on your partner may be a clear sign that there is a larger relationship issue at play. For example, if your partner is not paying as much attention to your relationship as you would like or not meeting your needs, it may cause you to stray.
Cheating may also not necessarily be a sign that you are unhappy, but rather you may be dealing with your own personal struggles. In any case, the phrase “once a cheater, always a cheater” is not always true, and does not mean the relationship cannot be salvaged.
To improve your relationships after infidelity, it is necessary to establish an atmosphere of honesty and trust. Set clear boundaries with each other and take the time to understand your partner’s needs. If you are the one admitting to infidelity, apologize, ask for forgiveness, and give your partner space if they need it. Examine the reasons that led to the cheating and decide if the relationship may have deeper underlying issues that can be worked through to save your relationship.
Can you rebuild trust after cheating?
While it is true that if you cheated on your boyfriend, he might lose some trust in you, it is sometimes possible to build back that trust. After telling your boyfriend that you cheated, your partner may need to take time to process things and feel extremely hurt.
It is important to allow your partner to express their feelings while making them feel heard and understood. Then consider expressing your own reasoning if this is something your partner could benefit from hearing.
Acknowledging that there may be some greater issues within your relationship that led to you admitting “I cheated on my boyfriend” could help you work out what is causing strain and avoid future issues. Once you establish a culture of honesty and respectfulness, it may be possible to move forward and rebuild trust.
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