I Found Out I Am The Other Woman: Should I End The Affair?

When you begin a relationship with a man you like, there’s a new pep in your step, a renewed feeling of confidence and desire, as well as feelings that everything is going to work out well. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. 

Some relationships end more friendlier than others, while some entail a tangled mess of lies and infidelity. We see this in the media quite often, in a situation where a woman who has been in a committed relationship with someone finds out they have a completely separate life with another woman, sometimes even a whole other family. This type of infidelity does occur in the real world, and finding out you are the other woman is not easy.

If you’ve been in a relationship with someone who has not told you that they are either married or in a committed relationship with another woman, along with the flood of emotions you may feel, you are left with a few options. You have a major decision to make, and that’s whether you should end the affair or whether you are okay with continuing as the other woman, leaving nothing to change. What you choose may not only change your life but that of another woman and/or family altogether.

Is it wrong to be selfish and want things to remain as they are with the person you’ve fallen for, or do you have to end the affair and maybe even tell the original partner? Is not having known about his other life your fault? There are probably so many questions racing through your mind right now, and we’ll do our best to answer them ahead.

Why do people cheat?

Before you choose how to proceed, it may be beneficial to understand why your love interest may have initiated an affair with you in the first place. Is there, in fact, any justifiable reasoning for their actions? Some people report that they seek extramarital affairs because their lives have become sexless, while others are yearning for connection. Some people who cheat are looking for both a physical and emotional connection, which may be missing from their existing marriage or relationship.

Marriage is an interesting concept. For the most part, two individuals agree to spend the rest of their lives committed to one another in a monogamous relationship. Forever is a long time, and no one can predict how they will feel about themselves, their life, or their partner in the future. 

It is natural for a relationship to become stagnant over the years. Based on evolutionary presets, men yearn to find the best mate to carry on their lineage. They are pre-programmed by nature to want to spread their seed as much as possible to have the strongest chances of carrying on their line.

While we’ve touched on the evolutionary psychology idea of why men cheat, we’ve evolved as a species compared to our primitive ancestors. We have developed deeper needs, desires, and fantasies. We have come so far that we can yearn for luxuries and conveniences rather than mere necessities. This can also help explain a lot about why men and women cheat.

According to Karin Jones, when discussing with men who were partaking in extramarital affairs, they decided to cheat and not tell their wives about the other woman because they thought it was an act of kindness to keep it from her. 

Jones asked the men why they didn’t talk to their wives about their feelings of needing to have sex or needing more attention or affection. She even went as far as asking the men why they didn’t try being open about wanting to have a casual fling every so often outside of the marriage. 

Rather than addressing the actual root cause of the affair and infidelity, the men believed it was easier for their spouses if they remained in the dark. They did not want to actively have the difficult conversation that may have either helped their relationship grow and strengthen or, at the very least, have all parties be completely honest about their feelings.

How does it feel to be the other woman?

Being the other woman is not easy, especially if you were unaware of your lover’s other relationship/partner. If you were under the impression that you were the only partner, things can become so much more complicated, as more complex feelings are bound to develop over the course of the relationship. 

You may have turned a blind eye to all of the red flags, such as your love interest’s inability to be flexible in their schedule to attend last-minute or less planned events or their lack of responses to your text messages or calls. That’s all completely normal, as when we are in the honeymoon phase, we tend to make excuses for our partners, believing they are acting with the best interests of your relationship at heart.

Once you’ve found out you’re the other woman, your entire world may have been rocked. Whatever time you’ve spent with this person – regardless of their gender – is questionable and potentially a complete farce. If you were thinking they were falling in love with you and if you saw a future with them, all of these images may start to disappear, leaving you to feel lonely, confused, betrayed, and hurt.

Unfortunately, turning a blind eye to the warning signs in your midst may lead you down the path to one day finding out that you’re the other woman. While trusting your significant other is an important pillar of a successful and healthy relationship, it’s still important to keep an eye out for abnormal behavior or behaviors indicative that there is some other commitment on the part of your partner.

Do they love you?

Before making any rash decisions, it is strongly advised that you take a moment to step back and evaluate the affair and what your feelings could mean. Look at the potential for your future together. Can you really see them staying with you? Do you believe that they will be faithful to you when they’ve been unfaithful toward another partner? 

One of the situations many people caught up in an affair don’t realize is that cheating may be a repeat offense. If it has happened before, there is potential for it to happen again. At the same time, it may feel like true love; there’s a chance that your partner gets bored, requires more, and seeks that outside of their marriage.

Now that you’ve taken a moment to let that digest, evaluate your feelings. Do you feel like you and this person will be loyal in a long-term relationship? Do you see yourselves going through hard times and trials together, making it out on the other side successfully? 

There is a chance that you may realize that they’re not going to stand beside you over time. On the other hand, there may be a chance that they will. If you feel as though this relationship is truly worth having them relinquish their former life, partner, home, pet, and other factors, and you are willing to make difficult sacrifices as well, there may be room for real love. However, if you see challenges in overcoming infidelity, this may indicate that it’s time to end the affair and move on with someone with whom you can build a trusting relationship.

What do you want?

At the moment, during the affair, of course, you are likely full of passion and attraction for this person. However, passion and attraction naturally fade over time, as relationships become comfortable, and life moves on. That could be how they came to be with you in the first place.

Now you have an important question to ask yourself. When all is said and done, when you’ve lived all of your youthful and vibrant years, is this the person that you see yourself sitting next to on a rocking chair watching the sunset? 

Aside from considering your feelings, consider additional perspectives, as well. Try to think objectively, outside of yourself, and decide whether you can see your love interest envisioning a life with you instead of their current partner. There is often some clouded judgment here, as we tend to see what we want to see in a given situation. 

When you step outside of your personal feelings, do you see them wanting to be with you? If it came down to it, would they really choose you over their current partner? Or would they stay in a “comfortable” place, even if they’re not totally happy with their current relationship? Do you worry about them moving on to someone else? If you are worried about the fidelity of your partner, it may be time to end the affair. 

However, if you can see the both of you successfully making a relationship work, you may not want to end the affair. Instead, you might feel compelled to transform it into a monogamous relationship (or open relationship) without the other partner being in the picture.

What about their current partner?

This is a question you’ve undoubtedly been pondering ever since you found out that you were the other woman. The other woman is forced to bear the burden of considering the feelings about the committed partner of the person they’ve been seeing. Begin by asking yourself how you feel when you consider how that person would feel if they found out about the affair.

You may feel completely distraught, torn up, and hurt that you hurt someone else and inadvertently changed their life. If you were not aware that you were the other woman, feelings of guilt are understandable. It may be time to end the affair if you’re feeling guilty and uneasy about the situation. After all, you are yet to be blamed, as you have been unaware until this point.

There can also be instances that work out the other way, where you and your love interest both have genuine feelings for one another. In this case, if you both are willing to live with the consequences, you may want to continue seeing one another. In this event, the person may want to end the relationship with their current partner to explore avenues with you, but that should be a choice you both make together.

Are you wrong to stay with them?

There is no black and white answer to this question, as many variables can make it difficult to judge any scenario definitively. While there is no good excuse for anyone to cheat on their partner, there is always the possibility that real and true love has blossomed within an extramarital affair, and that is not something to neglect.

No one can tell you whether you should end the affair or stay with the person you love (either in the affair or as a legitimate couple). The choice is truly your own to make. However, the consequences can last a lifetime, so do consider all options.

There are many chances where two people may meet under less-than-ideal circumstances but form a lifelong relationship. What’s important is to be true to yourself and all parties involved. If you feel as though you are not ready to let go of the affair, discuss this with your partner. See if you can both agree to tell the partner about you, the other woman. Be open and honest to achieve the best results and treat all parties as you would if you were in a similar situation.

Seek support in online therapy

There are a host of difficult emotions that you might go through when you find out you are the other woman, if you know that your love interest’s partner has discovered you are the other woman, or if you have been broken up with after your love interest decided to end the affair and stay with their original partner. In these situations, an online therapist can be a valuable member of your support network.

It doesn’t matter if you knew or did not know you were the other woman from the start – the online therapist at Regain will work with you in an empathetic and nonjudgmental manner to help you process what is happening, make decisions that serve you, and communicate in challenging situations, among other goals you might have. The same goes for someone who is cheating on a current partner – you have not done something so despicable that prevents you from attaining support and guidance.

People may appreciate online therapy because it is discreet and convenient. You can meet virtually with your dedicated therapist at times that work with your schedule, and you can attend sessions from any location with a reliable internet connection. If you both think it is a good idea, you and your love interest can even attend sessions together.

Online therapy has helped many adults overcome relationship challenges, including extramarital affairs and commitment issues. In one study, researchers investigated the efficacy of an online behavioral couples’ therapy program using 30 couples ranging from 21 to 69 years of age. In comparison to a face-to-face counseling control group, the participants of the online intervention group experienced a similar therapeutic alliance and improvements in relationship satisfaction and overall mental health. 

If you’re interested in learning about how the online therapists at Regain have helped people in similar predicaments, consider reading some of our counselor reviews below.

Counselor reviews

“Sessions with Natalie are very insightful and give practical advice on implementing new habits and changes. Be prepared to engage and be challenged to think in a different way. I know that my partner and I can already see improvements in our relationship and feel more positive about working through our issues together.”

“He’s amazing – he’s gotten me through some tough times and reminds me I’m not made of super human strength – that I’m human with normal emotions and it is in fact okay to cry. He has been an amazing support through a horrible breakup.”

Takeaway

Being the other woman or other partner in a relationship can be difficult. You may feel like you are a “bad person” for interfering with someone’s marriage, or you may wonder about your ability to pick loyal partners. For more information about being the other woman and handling this difficult revelation, contact Regain, where a board-certified mental health professional can help you understand how you might proceed for the best and most effective results that leave you in a happy and healthy space.