I Found Out My Wife Is Having An Affair: What Should I Do?
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Love has many layers and, usually, several phases. The love between two people who have confessed and vowed to love each other for a lifetime will inevitably endure the toughest of those phases. Friends and family offer well wishes, advice, and blessings when a couple marries, but there is sometimes the need for more. One core component of the vows between two married people is that the person you love will never betray the relationship. You look forward to years of love and trust, but sometimes the unthinkable happens, and you have no idea what to do. The ultimate question after finding out your mate is having an affair is what to do.
No two marriages are the same, and sometimes, it seems that some couples encounter more stressful situations than others, including infidelity. In a situation where one or two married people having an affair are involved, being the other woman or man will likely bring stress and uncertainty to the marriage. In this article, we will explore how to deal with when the unthinkable happens, your wife having an affair, including what your next steps may be and the benefits of reaching out for help.
Why do people cheat?
This is a question that many people ask after experiencing infidelity or betrayal of any kind. To be clear, many marriages exist and are never faced with the unfortunate effects of infidelity. There are marriages filled with open communication, love, honesty, and trust. A cheating partner is not always easy to identify, allowing the acts of infidelity to go on without ever being acknowledged.
Once a person cheats or is cheated on, the trust is broken, and it can be difficult, if not impossible, to re-establish trust in the marriage. One of the first questions that the other partner wants to be answered is why their partner cheated. They may want to find a reason for a situation they have no control over or bring sense to an unthinkable event.
Consider the following scenario.
Jim and Julie have been married for six years and have two beautiful children. They are both doing well in their careers, travel with the family throughout the year, and all are in good health. Julie has been working a few long nights after receiving a promotion, which leads Jim to take care of the kids in the evening. Once Julie is home, she’s tired and usually wants to shower and fall asleep, leaving very little time for her and her husband to connect. Eventually, Jim may wonder if “my wife is having an affair” because her behavior and routine have changed.
The above scenario occurs in many relationships and can be traumatic for one or both people in the marriage. In many cases, there is no affair but thoughts, and sometimes accusations can cause extreme strain on the relationship. After being accused of having thoughts that your spouse is cheating, it may lead you to seek attention outside the relationship. In this case, the act of infidelity occurred due to a misunderstanding, false accusations, or lack of communication.
Despite the pain it causes, people in marriages will make the choice to be unfaithful. If you are involved in a relationship where this has happened, you may be looking for answers as to why. Research in relationships has explored these reasons. For example, an article published in the Journal of Sex Research examined motivations for infidelity in relationships. Participants in the study reported that falling out of love, self-esteem, and substance use led to having sex with other people. The following list further explains reasons that people may cheat on their partners:
Loss of connection
A marriage or relationship built on love requires consistency in affection and communication to sustain that foundation. It is common for relationships to experience breakdowns that weaken the relationship. Couples can fall out of love just as easily as they fall in love. Once the spouse feels that they are no longer connected to their husband or wife, cheating may become an attractive option. If this does happen, some spouses will recognize signs that your spouse is having an affair.
Neglect
Similar to the scenario above, if a partner begins to feel neglected or not receiving enough attention or respect, they may explore attention outside the relationship. Life changes, and so do responsibilities, and some partners grow too busy to recognize they are not paying attention to their spouse. Feelings of neglect can equate to feelings of unworthiness or inadequacy.
Influence
There may be certain situations or factors that influence some people to cheat, including substances that affect your ability to make sound decisions. The setting or environment they are in may be different or stressful in some ways, leading to a temporary loss of judgment or ability to make reasonable decisions. Drinking or spending time with people you are vulnerable to could make you susceptible to their advances, leading to cheating.
Low self-esteem
You may think that a person with low self-esteem is not open to subjecting themselves to others, but in this case, it works differently. A person may feel that being sexually desired by others increases their self-worth. It can boost self-esteem to feel wanted, needed, and valued by someone other than their partner.
Revenge
A person who thinks that their spouse is having an affair might think of doing the same. Some people are unfaithful to bring the same hurt, pain, and humiliation to their partner that they have experienced. This reason can make any level of recommitment or make amends seemingly impossible. In many instances, once both parties have been unfaithful, it is not easy to save the marriage or relationship.
How to trust again
Loving a person does not simply stop because you find out they cheated on you. The hurt, anger, and bitterness coexist, and hidden deep beneath those emotions may remain love and connectedness to the person who betrayed you. This can further cause pain because you thought this love was reciprocated and are unable to comprehend the cheating behavior. Yes, they may have cheated, and maybe you despise them at the moment, but this may not extinguish the love you hold for this person.
Discovering that your spouse’s infidelity may compel you to think that you must make an immediate decision. Should you pack up and move out? Should you change your number and never call them again? Should you file for divorce? All these questions are common but not easily answered.
After the realization of betrayal, you may go through a few phases and eventually want to learn to trust again. Trust usually exists from the start and is lost due to acts of unfaithfulness or betrayal. Being cheated on by one person could make it incredibly hard for you to trust your unfaithful spouse or anyone else again. Despite this difficulty, rebuilding trust is not impossible. If you do not want to leave your spouse, the possibility of love and trust again can be yours.
The reestablishment of trust
Remove the blame
A person can be in a relationship that gives them everything they need and want but still seek more from someone else. It is never the other person’s fault that their mate cheated. Most people will spend days or weeks trying to pinpoint what they did wrong or feel as though something must be wrong with them. It is important to remove the blame and accept that their infidelity is not your fault, nor are you to blame. Your spouse made the horrible choice and you are in no way responsible for their behavior.
Reiterate your self-worth
After going through the barrel of emotions brought on by infidelity, it is necessary to reiterate your self-worth. Take an honest evaluation of yourself and identify all the things you love as well as those things you may like to change. Be sure that the changes are for you and only you. Do not try to make changes to appease someone else but transform to ensure your happiness and rebuild your self-worth. Once you realize your true value, it shows you that you are worthy of love and another person does not determine your worth. You are worthy of a loving and faithful partner.
Consider your options
Regardless of the circumstances surrounding the relationship, you have options. Some people may feel that they do not have any alternative and must remain in an unfulfilled relationship. You may also think that leaving the person and starting a new relationship will still end the same way. Ultimately, remember that you deserve happiness and commitment from someone who values and appreciates you as a person and partner.
Forgive the cheater
Research has found forgiveness to be an essential aspect of moving forward after infidelity in a marriage. Even if you decide to ultimately end the relationship, forgiving your partner can be an important step in your healing process. It is important to remember that forgiveness does not signal that you are condoning another person’s hurtful actions but releasing yourself from anger and bitterness that is negatively impacting you.
After the affair
After an affair, what happens? As the person cheated on, what happens after the affair is completely up to you. You are in control of your feelings and your response as long as you follow the necessary steps in the process of healing. You may opt to take some time for yourself, which is commendable. This could be positive for you and your spouse. It is also important to realize that you do not necessarily have to do anything after an affair. You have the right to choose to do absolutely nothing. Decide to follow your heart and do whatever makes you feel happy.
If you are in a relationship and infidelity is an issue, consider relationship therapy to help you manage the trauma of betrayal and work through the emotional and psychological effects. Therapy can help partners navigate the experience of infidelity or assist an individual in healing after betrayal. One of the challenges of couples therapy is coordinating schedules and finding the time to meet in person together for therapy sessions. Online therapy enables clients to meet with their counselors from anywhere, anytime, without having to interrupt their day. Research shows that when both partners are invested, online therapy can help address any relationship concerns and create long-lasting relationship satisfaction. A licensed professional can offer a new perspective on your situation and help you establish new techniques for managing difficult emotions and communicating with a partner.
Counselor reviews
Austa has been wonderful thus far. She has helped my partner and me during an unimaginably difficult time… She has also guided us in communicating effectively and setting appropriate boundaries in our relationship. I was hesitant to pursue counseling initially, but I truly believe that it makes a difference in our relationship. Austa is easy to talk to, and she is a great listener. I would wholeheartedly recommend her as a counselor.”
“Stephen Witte is a fantastic listener! Stephen’s guidance and experience with couples helped my partner and me through a time of infidelity and deception. Our sessions with Stephen helped guide us to healthier communication and the road to forgiveness. We used video chats. But I chatted with Stephen with messages a few times throughout the week, and his responses helped me through tough/anxious moments with his perspective and encouragement. He was truthful about the tragedy in our relationship yet offered supportive strategies and guidance to help us get through. I felt like I could speak at him for minutes and throw a bunch out there, but he had a great way of picking out the most important part of what I was trying to say. He did a great job facilitating the discussion which helped clarify my thoughts and communicate with my partner. My partner and I had multiple sessions with Stephen, and both felt very comfortable speaking to him. Thank you very much, Stephen, for being here for us.”
Frequently asked questions (FAQs)
What should I do if my wife is having an affair?
If you suspect or have found evidence that your wife is having an affair, then you may want to take a deep breath first. Immediately confronting your wife about an affair right after discovering can be difficult, especially with emotions running high, especially anger. While the affair may truly be happening, consider approaching your wife and giving the benefit of the doubt before jumping to conclusions. Here are a few ways that can help you to calm yourself and increase your understanding of the situation:
Remain calm and make sure that your emotions are in check. After finding out that your wife is having an affair, you may immediately want to respond in anger. You probably are experiencing a myriad of emotions, including worrying that you are losing your partner and feeling shame in admitting that “my wife is having an affair.” However, if you are interested in saving your relationship, then have faith in yourself, keep your emotions in control, and talk with your partner to see if either of you wants to sustain the relationship even after the betrayal of their affair.
Decide if you want to confront your wife concerning the affair. While relationships have continued for years without one partner raising affair suspicions with their spouse, the truth will eventually come out and may severely impact both parties’ self-confidence. If you want to talk to your wife about the issue, then choose an appropriate time that minimizes interruptions. Setting aside time will help you move through the bulk of the heavy conversation without it being interrupted and having to begin the conversation again. Most importantly, be prepared for the answer. Sometimes, you may not like what your partner will say. If you want to save the relationship, then accept the reality of your wife’s affair as soon as you are ready and find a way to push past the pain together.
Decide to file for divorce or maintain the marriage. This decision should not be taken lightly. For instance, it may be helpful to confide in close friends and family about the affair. However, suppose you tell too many people about the affair, such as posting about your wife’s betrayal on social media. In that case, you may receive many extreme opinions that could artificially sway your decision. Let your emotions and true feelings dictate your actions. By trusting in yourself, you can make the right choice for your marriage.
What percent of marriages survive an affair?
According to psychiatrist Dr. Scott Haltzman, approximately 40 percent of marriages are rocked by affairs. These statistics will differ between studies and people, depending on what they perceive as infidelity and honesty when asked about experiencing affairs.
The percentage of marriages surviving after an affair can also vary. A study from Health Testing Centers said that more than half of marriages break up right after the truth of the affair, and only 15.6% of marriages survive after the affair has been revealed. However, concludes that 60-75% of couples who experience some form of infidelity stay together.
How do I heal after being cheated on?
After being cheated on, the road to recovery can take a long time, and you may have doubts about your mental health. If your affair happened recently, such as finding out about your partner’s affair this week, then trying to heal yourself may seem like an impossible task. However, there are a few methods you can incorporate into your life that can enhance the healing process:
It is okay to process your grief by crying. After finding out about an affair, you may need to release pent-up emotions. Crying allows people to express their emotions instead of bottling them up, resulting in worse mental health later in life.
Practice being patient with yourself regarding your emotions. If you feel hopeless now, try to have a more optimistic outlook on your future. There may be days where you make less progress, but that’s okay.
Consider mental health therapy. A person betraying you in your marriage can be devastating and negatively impact your mental health. A therapist will help you process your emotions and offer your strategies to manage the emotions you are experiencing.
How do you know if it is time to end a relationship?
You may be able to tell if it is time to end a relationship when you know something is fundamentally off. When you are trying to gauge what is best for you, consider trusting your gut instincts. Even if you think that your instincts may prove you wrong, try to investigate the reason behind why you are feeling confused. You may be surprised to find out that you do not feel as committed in your current relationship as when you first started dating your partner.
Have you ever felt a lack of motivation or desire to work on potential issues in the relationship? Sometimes, people may feel that their partner is not working to make the relationship last. If fixing a relationship seems like too much effort, it could be a sign that it is no longer working for you.
Lastly, if you or your partner has done anything in the relationship that makes you feel uncomfortable, you may have to consider ending the relationship. By paying attention to your behavior and wondering if you feel happy, you can conclude that it will best benefit you and your partner in the long run.
How do you rebuild trust after cheating and lying?
Rebuilding trust after someone cheated, whether it is a long-term betrayal or the fresh pain of discovering an affair today, is typically hard, especially if you have built a loving relationship with someone for a long time. Being patient, listening to your own needs, and respecting yourself can help you maintain your sense of self while deciding if you can forgive the other person for cheating. The circumstances of the affair, such as how long it went on or if your partner confessed the affair on their own, could affect your ability to rebuild trust.
You can try self-help practices, such as sleeping well, exercising, and engaging in your hobbies. These can help you understand what you love about yourself and encourage you to have more to life than romance. Additionally, you can reach out to friends and families and talk to them about your experiences and emotions. Sometimes it helps to have someone to talk to about your life. Your loved ones can make you feel that you are not alone in the world. Ultimately, speaking with a therapist is an ideal method to work through the effects of infidelity and help you rebuild trust in relationships again.
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