Love After Cheating: How To Regain Trust In A Relationship

The popular notion portrayed in media is that cheating will collapse every relationship, and any attempt at rebuilding trust is futile and naive. The truth is you can rebuild trust after cheating in a relationship. While not easy to do, regaining your partner to trust in relationship after infidelity is possible, This rebuilding will require serious effort from both partners and a dedicated effort from the cheater to seek to fix things, but it isn't impossible. In fact, many couples have rebounded from cheating and have come back stronger and healthier with the help of in-person or online therapy.

What is cheating?

According the American Psychological Association, cheating, or infidelity, occurs when a partner in an intimate relationship becomes emotionally or sexually involved with a person other than the partner’s spouse or significant other. For each person, infidelity might mean something slightly different - for some, porn might be crossing the line, while for others, anything short of sex is okay. The vital thing to consider here is that each person has different boundaries, and it is essential to discuss what you are comfortable with together before something happens. Communication between partners is required in order to build trust in the first place. A healthy relationship requires mutual respect of each other’s boundaries so it’s important to talk and decide what betrayal would look like to you.

However, if you know that your partner is cheating, and you are trying to figure out how to move forward, you may consider a discussion on personal boundaries and definitions for cheating to clear up miscommunication. This is not an excuse to chalk up infidelity to miscommunication because the burden falls on the person who was not faithful to determine if their potential action is crossing the line or not. 

Having a conversation on what you both agree to be a definitive cheating event and the feelings surrounding different actions leading up to infidelity is important. However, an argument from ignorance of the boundaries is not a good enough excuse for cheating. These conversations can clear up any blurriness as to what each of you consider to be becoming intimately involved with someone else. Unless you or your partner has an extreme notion of what cheating is (such as having a friend of the opposite sex).

It is healthy to discuss your feelings about infidelity early in the relationship to make sure no miscommunication occurs. But if infidelity has already happened, and it is commonly agreed on as cheating, then a lack of communication cannot be an excuse.

Understanding what you value

Before you can continue to seek a solution to the rift opened in your relationship, you need first to know what you value in your relationship. For many, knowing what we value in a relationship may not be clear and clearly defining what your true needs are may not be easy to unravel. By reading this article, it is safe to assume you want to regain the lost trust and rebuild your relationship, even after cheating.

Regardless of which party was unfaithful, you both need to understand what you want out of a relationship and use that lens to analyze your current relationship. While there is no excuse for infidelity, there may be underlying problems in your relationship that the cheating behavior has brought to light. This is by no means victimizing the cheater, as there is little excuse for those kinds of actions, but it is acknowledging that there are things that they too needed to be fulfilled.

How did you feel before the infidelity occurred? What emotions did the cheating bring up for both parties? If you were the one who committed the betrayal, maybe you felt distance, a lack of communication, or hurt that your partner did not give you as much quality time as you desired. If your partner cheated, you might feel blindsided, hurt, and betrayed. It might be harder to trust your partner now. By understanding what you want out of a partner and a relationship, you can see what was lacking within your relationship and better understand where to go from there. 

For some people, a break in trust, such as cheating, will signify that they need to go their separate ways. However, other people will see that their relationship, and connection with their partner, are important enough to them that they will try to put back the pieces and try to make things work. Rebuilding trust after a partner cheated is possible, but it may take a lot of time and effort. You will need to process the pain and decide if you can trust your partner once again. Is it worth it? The only way to know for yourself is to reflect and think about what matters to you in your relationship and then apply that to your current situation. Hopefully, that will provide some clarity and also help restore trust.

Putting it all out in the open

Once you have determined your feelings and the best course of action, it is time to put everything out in the open. If you plan on rebuilding trust in your relationship, it is vital that you and your partner completely open up to each other and be willing to relate your deepest concerns and emotions. If you find yourself doubting your partner's honesty or find yourself withholding things, it is a sign you (or your partner) may not be ready to trust again. When posed with this issue, little short of an ultimatum or complete honesty can move things forward. If, however, you find that you are both being completely open and honest with your thoughts, feelings, intentions, and reasons for your actions, then you have just set the foundation of truth. From here, the rest of your progress in rebuilding trust can grow.

Extreme ownership

If you are the one who cheated on your significant other,  it is important to the health of your relationship take extreme ownership of your actions and be sincere in acknowledging the mistake. Your partner needs to know that you know what you did was wrong, and that you sincerely regret your actions. If you are compelled to lie or avoid the whole truth in your admittance of guilt, this may be a sign you do not entirely regret your actions and you need to reevaluate. But for most, an honest expression of guilt and shame over one's cheating should come quickly, albeit painfully.

Your partner needs to know that you regret your actions and see the sincerity in your words. If they do not believe you, it will be difficult to move forward together and build upon a foundation of trust. This is why it is vital to show extreme ownership of your actions, even if you think your partner did something wrong to drive you away. You need to show them that you accept that what you did was wrong, and it was your decision alone to have made. 

Fix the cause of the lack of trust, not the symptom

Talking about your feelings and getting things out in the open is an important first step, but if you do not change the things which lead to infidelity, then the problem will not be resolved. Many different possible factors lead to cheating and the break in trust; these habits and everyday decisions need to be identified and changed. Otherwise, you risk the problem just repeating itself.

Putting the relationship back together after infidelity but not fixing the underlying issues that lead to cheating is not a long-term solution to the problem. It is highly recommended that couples work through the complications of cheating sooner rather than later.

Additionally, looking over your partner's shoulder all the time and not trusting them is not a solution. You are then just putting a Band-Aid and not even an effective Band-Aid on the issue.

Look at what leads to the rift in your relationship. Consider the factors that lead to the infidelity; by tracing back and looking at what leads to the collapse in trust, you can hopefully fix the underlying issues rather than temporarily stop the symptoms.

Counseling for cheating

Managing the mental health challenges, like anxiety, that accompany being cheated on and broken trust in a relationship may be difficult to do alone. You may try to read some articles or being with a cheater quotes because it helps distract you from actually having to move through the pain of betrayal. Reading books and infidelity quotes alone will not help you fully forgive and move on. Fortunately, therapy is a place where you can work through everything you are experiencing, including how to regain trust after cheating. Dealing with a betrayal of trust in your relationship to this extent can be difficult to manage. Getting the help of a professional to set you, and your partner, up for success is an ideal path to healing your relationship.

In some cases, a person may feel embarrassment in seeing a therapist in-person, especially when they feel ashamed of their actions. Online therapy is an option as you have the anonymity of being in your own personal space, as opposed to public or in-person therapy sessions. Studies have shown that many couples feel a greater sense of control and comfort when participating in online therapy sessions and report the experience to be beneficial and positive for their relationship. You have the options to choose either solo or couples counseling, all from the comfort and ease of your own home. It is not a sign of weakness to reach out for professional help. In fact, it is a sign of maturity and, more importantly, a sign that you are valuing what truly matters - your relationship's future.

Takeaway

Discovering that your partner was unfaithful to you or realizing that you made the mistake of cheating on them can make letting go of the past extremely difficult. Understandably, you may not to want to let go of your infidelity or what your partner did to you. Sometimes forgiveness is harder than living in the guilt or the anger and sadness of the past.

However, if you have taken steps to move forward and rebuild trust in your relationship, it may be time to let go of the burden of your emotions from the past. In being dedicated to fixing the wrongs of the past and rebuilding the trust you once had, you may be ready to move forward and  with your partner again.