Should You Forgive A Cheater? When To Give Them A Second Chance

Discovering that your significant other has cheated on you can be devastating. Whether it was an emotional affair or an ongoing sexual relationship, feeling that sense of betrayal and loss of trust can turn your life upside down. In the moments after finding out that you’ve been cheated on, you may not want anything to do with the other person. After some time, however, you might consider forgiving them and even giving them a second chance. While cheating is a deal-breaker for some, others use it as an opportunity to improve their relationship. Ultimately, deciding whether or not to forgive this individual is a personal decision that can be affected by many different factors. 

Cheating: Types and reasons

There are different types of infidelity: sexual infidelity (sexual contact with no romance), romantic infidelity (romantic involvement with no sexual exchanges), and sexual and romantic infidelity. Each can be hurtful and cause permanent damage to a relationship. 

People choose to cheat for several reasons, but it commonly boils down to someone trying to fulfill their unmet needs for power, affection, love, sex, or desirability. It can be viewed as an expression of loneliness or be motivated by a lack of communication, commitment, or intimacy in their current relationship. There may be a physical or emotional aspect that they are trying to fill by engaging in these behaviors with someone else. However, cheating is still a decision that one must take full responsibility for.

No matter the reason, if a relationship is to be saved, the cheater often needs to identify why they cheated and express remorse—particularly if they consistently lied about their actions. From there, the partner who was cheated on can decide how to proceed.

Should I forgive a cheater?

A lot of variables can be at play when considering whether or not to forgive a cheater and give them a second chance. This can be true even if they show true remorse. Even if you want to forgive your partner for cheating, it may take time to experience genuine forgiveness for what they did. Further, you may decide to forgive without desiring to reconcile with them. Much of this decision typically rests with the person who was cheated on but can be impacted by how willing each party is to preserve the relationship. 

The chance of restoring the relationship and giving a partner a second chance may be more likely if the cheater is a first-time offender. However, it’s often necessary for the partner who cheated to acknowledge their destructive behavior and take full responsibility for it. In other words, it can be vital for a cheater to feel remorse about what they did. 

Says psychotherapist Matt Lundquist, "The person doing the cheating needs to be somewhat unsettled and allow themselves to be disrupted by the experience. It needs to be treated as a significant life event. It needs to hurt a little to grow and change." The cheating partner needs to be honest about what happened and their responsibility. 

Without a sense of regret or remorse, there may not be any room for more chances. After all, this may cause the partner who was cheated on to question if it would only happen again and again. 

When a partner seems deserving of a second chance, they might apologize and actively show their desire to repair the relationship through therapy or other means. If they are willing to learn from their mistakes to avoid repeating them, this can be a positive sign that the relationship may be able to be preserved. If, however, the cheater shows little to no desire to repair the relationship, it might not be wise or healthy to give them a second chance. 

Should you forgive a cheater: Making a decision

Before you make any decisions about your relationship or choose to give your partner a second chance, it can be crucial to work through your own emotions and extend understanding and empathy to yourself. Feelings of pain, anger, and resentment can be natural after you have been cheated on and often need to be acknowledged and expressed. 

Acceptance and forgiveness

Acceptance and forgiveness typically won’t happen overnight and may take on the form of grief for it to be processed appropriately. It may take a couple of weeks, a couple of months, or even longer for you to come to terms with your partner’s betrayal. It can be important to acknowledge how long you need to accept the pain of the past. There is no timeline when it comes to healing. You must heal at your own pace, no matter how long it takes. Once you have accepted your hurt, you may be able to come into a place of real clarity and compassion. Then, you may be more equipped to decide whether this rough patch in your relationship is worth fighting through.

As devastating as it is being cheated on, and as valid and justifiable as your feelings are, humans tend to make mistakes and are inherently imperfect. A cheater doesn't necessarily equal a bad person. Remember that people are innately flawed, and we express our flaws in different ways. However, it can be difficult to accept this when another person’s flaws have deeply hurt you. Acceptance is not the same as forgiveness, and acceptance does not mean that you excuse another’s behavior when they treat you poorly. Rather, acceptance means you no longer resist the truth; in the case of infidelity, it can be the peace of knowing that there is nothing you could have done to prevent your partner’s actions. Try to be patient with yourself and make choices that honor your needs, mental health, and overall well-being.

When should you not forgive a cheater?

No rule says you should never forgive someone who cheated on you; you likely know more than anyone else the history and dynamics within your relationship. However, there may be some important things to consider, which may be unwise to overlook when talking with friends, family, or counselors.

Serial cheating

Forgiving repeat offenders or serial cheaters can be consistently hurtful, as this type of persistent behavior is unlikely to change. Serial cheating without any remorse or acknowledgment of your feelings can be a sign that the relationship has grown beyond giving the partner a second chance. If they can’t take responsibility for their actions or have been cheating throughout the entire relationship, these could be factors in deciding if your relationship is worth saving.

One thing to consider may be whether your partner has demonstrated their commitment to the relationship through changed behavior. If the perpetrator offers heartfelt condolences, proclaims their love for you, and wallows in pity when they cheat but then do it again, it might not be healthy to keep giving them more chances. Putting yourself through more hurt and disappointment because of their false promises isn’t fair to either of you.

Not acknowledging their wrongdoing 

If the cheater brushes off their actions, is not remorseful, or blames their actions on an inability to control themselves, the relationship may be beyond repair. It can be near impossible to heal and move on from your partner’s actions while maintaining the relationship when they won’t acknowledge their wrongdoing.

Offending partners who have narcissistic personality disorder can be especially challenging to deal with because of their notorious tendency to diverge from getting help or treatment. Their traits can make them averted to intimacy, and they often feel entitled to more power, wealth, and sex. Moreover, they typically feel little empathy for their partner's feelings and needs. Since they are continually searching for their next fix, they tend to be repeat offenders, making a monogamous relationship with them difficult to achieve.

If you cannot forgive a cheater, know that you’re not alone. Doing what’s healthiest for you can be essential, and that may include not reconciling with the person who hurt you. Among married adults who have previously cheated on their spouse, 40% are divorced or separated, according to the Institute for Family Studies. While that may or may not be because of infidelity, plenty of people have found long-lasting and happy new relationships after being cheated on.

Humans are not without desires or lust but being in a healthy relationship means choosing to honor the commitments you have to the other person, even if it feels more like work than love. It means caring about the other person and the values within the relationship more than damaging and deeply wounding it. If you trust that the perpetrator believes the same, then forgiveness may be an option. Together, you can work on making your relationship healthy, strong, and committed.

If you decide to forgive a cheater

People assume that cheating in a relationship means that it is the end, but it doesn't have to be that way. If both people decide to move forward together, the incident can help strengthen the relationship and improve communication in the long term. Here's a look into how to forgive a cheater.

The process of repairing a relationship may not always work. Commitment is a two-way street that takes dedication from both parties. It requires both people to be brutally honest with each other, while still being supportive of one another. If you choose to forgive your partner, remember that holding grudges can be a roadblock to your recovery and happiness. If you forgive your partner and want to work on your relationship, try to avoid holding their mistakes over their head. Constantly mentioning and/or punishing them for their infidelity may only breed resentment in both parties and can significantly hinder the progress of the relationship.

Consider couples therapy

Couples therapy can be very beneficial when deciding to salvage a relationship after infidelity. Working together with a marriage counselor or couple's therapist can help heal wounds, facilitate clear and effective communication, and ideally rebuild trust between the two of you. It can also help both people understand why the infidelity occurred, which may make way for empathy.

Set clear boundaries

Couples can also use the incident as an opportunity to examine what went wrong and what can be improved upon, such as emotional dissatisfaction, sexual desires, or communication. Additionally, monogamy may need to be addressed and discussed, with clear boundaries set in place.

Trust can take a long time to restore, however, and may be a process that takes a lot of work. This is perhaps one of the most challenging parts when deciding to forgive a cheater. It can take time to rebuild trust, loyalty, respect, and commitment. 

Forgive yourself if you end up not staying together in the future

Some people have decided to be with their partners in spite of infidelity and have been successful in restoring trust and repairing the relationship. Many seek relationship advice through a therapist or counselor. Even if you do choose to forgive your partner, you may not stay together in the future, and that is acceptable; it does not mean you have failed. Forgiveness can be an act of bravery and kindness and may be something worth giving yourself credit for. 

Should you forgive a cheater? Online counseling with Regain can help you explore this topic in further detail 

Deciding whether to forgive someone who has cheated on you can be a challenging decision to make. If you’d like advice and guidance as you weigh your options, it could be helpful to speak with a professional. Through the Regain platform, you can connect with a therapist who specializes in relationship troubles, such as infidelity and more. Online therapy provides a safe, convenient way to discuss sensitive concerns with an expert from the comfort of your home. 

Infidelity can have a number of negative mental health outcomes for the person who was cheated on, as well as the cheater. Those who have experienced infidelity may develop conditions like anxiety, depression, or chronic pain and stress. Online counseling can be an effective treatment options for these types of concerns. In this study, researchers found that internet-delivered cognitive behavioral therapy can successfully manage several different psychiatric disorders. Participants in this intervention experienced healing from conditions like depression, anxiety, PTSD, chronic pain, and more. 

Takeaway

Forgiving a cheater and giving them another chance is a personal decision that some people may choose to make. Others might not be able to forgive someone who betrayed them and decide to end the relationship. In any case, it can be important to make choices that are healthy for you and support your needs and well-being. You deserve a healthy relationship despite what you’ve been through in the past. Processing previous traumas from your relationships may help you to experience healing and move forward with a more positive mindset as you strengthen former connections or meet new people. 

If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.