What Is A Compulsive Liar And How Can They Affect Your Relationship?

There are many different reasons why people lie. On average, a person tells two lies per day. However, some people have an uncontrollable habit of lying. While the reason for the lying behavior may not be to cause harm, being in a relationship with a compulsive liar may be difficult. In this article, we’ll explore what a compulsive liar is and how habitual lying can affect a relationship. The information below is not meant to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.

What is a compulsive liar?

A compulsive liar may use lying to cope with feelings of anxiety or distress. They may tell a lie out of habit to avoid uncomfortable feelings. For example, a person who lies compulsively, may lie to feel like they fit in socially by claiming certain achievements they don’t have. 

Most of us can recall a situation where we told what’s often referred to as a "white lie" to make someone feel better. Maybe you told your best friend you liked her new shirt when you didn’t. Maybe you told your partner you liked the dinner they made even when it was burnt. White lies are harmless and are most often told to avoid hurting someone’s feelings.

Sometimes, the terms compulsive liar and pathological liar are used interchangeably. However, the motives behind the lying behavior differs. Pathological lying, originally referred to as pseudologia fantastica and also called mythomania, while not a formal diagnosis, may be a symptom of a mental health disorder or personality disorder such as borderline personality disorder. Contrary to popular belief, mental disorders like bipolar disorder, are not associated with habitual or pathological lying. Pathological liars may have a tendency to lie with no clear motivation. There is no diagnosis or treatment for pathological lying. 

How to know a compulsive liar

The truth is it’s quite difficult to catch a liar unless you’re able to pinpoint a situation where they lied and you have proof. Compulsive liars aren’t going to give you any signs that you might commonly associate with lying, which may make it difficult for you to properly identify and deal with them. When your little brother lies, he might struggle to make eye contact. When your cousin lies, they might twirl their hair, or they might smile too big. These things aren’t true when it comes to a compulsive liar. They have no problem telling you a lie as if they weren't.

A compulsive liar will not have tics or tells because they often believe the lie they are telling you or because they’ve lied so much in the past it no longer bothers them to lie again. In fact, lying again is even more natural for them than trying to tell you the truth.

They will also be extremely confident, and that means even if you try to confront them, they are unlikely to admit that they were wrong or that they’ve done anything wrong. In fact, they’re likely to stick to the story that they told you and insist that it’s true, no matter what type of evidence you have to prove them wrong.

Even worse, someone who is a compulsive liar may be able to convince you that you’re the wrong one. They may be able to manipulate you into believing what they’ve said or what they claim is the story. This is generally not done maliciously because the compulsive liar assumes you should believe them. After all, they believe that their story is true. This level of self-belief and the level of detail often present in their stories makes it difficult for you to distrust them.

How compulsive lying can hurt your relationship

You never know what’s true

The first and biggest problem with being in a relationship with a compulsive liar is that you may never know when they’re telling the truth and when they’re not. Even something as simple as telling you they didn’t make it to the store because they got stopped by a train might be a lie because there doesn’t have to be a reason for them to make something up. Larger stories or events in their life may become even more difficult to decipher or understand.

They tend to be wrapped up in their image

Pathological liars want other people to think well of them or to feel sorry for them. That means they may tell stories that turn them into big heroes, or they may tell stories that turn them into big victims. Either way, they tend to be very absorbed in what other people think, and they will do or say whatever it takes to make sure that other people view them in a certain light. This can take a toll on any relationship.

They become their mark

Someone who is a pathological liar may not even realize that their own stories are lies. At least, not all the time. Some of these individuals come to believe their own stories, which can be even more dangerous because this may be a sign of further mental health problems. These individuals can start to fall into their own trap, making it even more difficult to help them see that their lies are hurting others. If they can’t even recognize that they are lying, it becomes difficult to get them to change.

They may turn others against you

If they feel that turning against you can get them more sympathy from others, they may very well do just that. And that means they may tell stories to other people that paint you as a villain and themselves as the victim. The stories may be based slightly on truth (such as a fight the two of you had), or they may be entirely made up, yet your friends and loved ones have no way of knowing that. They may also turn against other friends and family in similar ways.

You could lose relationships

Whether you lose relationships because you believe some of the lies that your partner is telling you or because those people recognize the pathological lying and don’t want to be around it, you could lose people from your life. You want to enjoy spending time with family and friends, but they may not want to be around your partner. That means they may start to become distant and avoid being around you.

You never know what will happen next

Because the person you are in a relationship with is a compulsive liar, it can be hard to know what they’re going to come up with next. You never know who they will lie to next or what that lie is going to be. That means you may be constantly waiting for something else to happen, and you may feel like you’re constantly on edge. 

You lose trust in other people

When the person that you love and trust the most is lying to you, and you find out about it, you could end up struggling with all of your relationships. It’s easy to assume that if this person is lying to you, then everyone in your life may be lying to you. This could cause you to be distrustful of everyone you know or meet. And being distrustful could lead to problems in those relationships and difficulty continuing them.

Getting help

If you notice signs of compulsive lying in your partner, consider encouraging them to seek help. Your partner could likely use help to determine just why it is they’re doing what they do and begin being more truthful. One type of behavioral therapy, called cognitive behavioral therapy, may be specifically beneficial for people who engage in habitual lying. Cognitive behavioral therapy is a type of talk therapy that aims to help clients transform negative thought and behavioral patterns into positive ones.  

You may also benefit from professional help to deal with the aftermath of your partner’s lying habit and the both of you together may need help to understand your relationship better. A counselor can help if you're unsure of how to deal with the situation and repair it. 

Online therapy has helped many couples work through issues, even complex ones like dealing with pathological lying. It has become more and more popular to seek help online, and therapy conducted over the internet can be just as effective, if not more so, than in-person therapy.

Regain is one way to get the professional help you need, and it’s a great way to stay comfortable while you do it. You and your partner can have sessions entirely online without ever having to leave the comfort of your own home. That makes it a lot easier for you both to speak with the therapist and feel like you can be open and honest throughout the process. 

Counselor reviews

“Stephen Witte is a fantastic listener! Stephen's guidance and experience with couples helped me and my partner through a time of infidelity and deception. Our sessions with Stephen helped guide us to healthier communication and the road to forgiveness. We used video chats. But I chatted Stephen with messages a few times throughout the week, and his responses helped me through tough/anxious moments with his perspective and encouragement. He was truthful about the tragedy that had occurred in our relationship, yet offered supportive strategies and guidance for us to help us get through. I felt like I could speak at him for minutes and throw a bunch out there, but he had a great way of picking out the most important part of what I was trying to say. He did a great job facilitating the discussion that helped me clarify my thoughts and communicate with my partner. My partner and I had multiple sessions with Stephen and both felt very comfortable speaking to him. Thank you very much, Stephen, for being here for us.”

“Austa has been wonderful thus far. She has helped my partner and I during an unimaginably difficult time... She has also guided us in communicating effectively and setting appropriate boundaries in our relationship. I was hesitant to pursue counseling at the beginning, but I truly believe that it is making a difference for our relationship. Austa is easy to talk to and she is a great listener. I would wholeheartedly recommend her as a counselor.”

Takeaway

It can be very difficult to deal with a partner who constantly lies. It can create anxiety and distrust. It may even cause you to question your relationship.

Before this situation can cost you family and friends, it's important to consider getting help for you and your partner. It may not be easy, but working with a professional may help curb the lying and get your relationship back on more trustful ground.