Helpful Ideas To Spice Up The Sex In Your Marriage

When you’ve been married to someone for years, it can be typical for the physical intimacy in your relationship to fade as your sex drives fluctuate during different stages of marriage and life. Getting older doesn’t mean your sexual needs disappear, and many couples are left seeking ways to spice up the sex and rebuild the physical and emotional connection they once have. Read on to learn how to revive the sexual spark in your marriage and how couples therapy can offer support and guidance as you rebuild the connection.

How important is sexual intimacy to marriage satisfaction?

While sex is generally not the most critical aspect of a successful, healthy relationship, it is a crucial part—and it can be good for your physical and mental health. Studies show a link between high levels of sexual activity in a relationship and beneficial changes like decreased blood pressure and stress levels, increased emotional and physical intimacy, higher marital satisfaction, and a lower divorce rate. 

Average sexual frequency in adults:

• An average adult has sex approximately once per week, or 54 times per year. 
• Adults in their 20s typically have sex around 80 times annually. 
• In their 60s, adults have sex an average of 20 times per year. 

— Declines in Sexual Frequency Among American Adults

Recognizing a healthy sex life

If your marriage has been experiencing sexual intimacy issues for a while, it can be helpful to know how to recognize a healthy sex life and physical intimacy connection with your partner. Explore research-backed indicators that your sex life is healthy and balanced. 

Signs your marriage has a healthy sex life:

• Sex with your partner makes you feel safe, loved, connected, and satisfied. 
• You’re vulnerable with each other, and your sex always involves an emotional connection. 
• While your sex life remains creative and passionate, sex isn’t the only way you can express yourself emotionally. 
• You both find non-sexual ways to nurture yourselves and experience physically pleasurable sensations unrelated to sex.   
• Sexual activity can relieve your stress, but you don't use it to escape or avoid your feelings. 
• You’ve both set and respect each other’s sexual boundaries and limitations. 
• You trust your spouse to meet your sexual needs, and they don’t disappoint you. 

Reshaping sexual intimacy with your spouse

Sex obviously involves your body and physical sensations, but many would argue that the mental aspect of sexual activity can be as important. You can find countless articles to guide you through physical techniques to please your partner, but how do you entice their mind and arouse them without a touch? It starts with changing your outlook on sex and letting go of assumptions about what “should” be sexually attractive. 

Communicate with each other

As with nearly any kind of relationship, you’ll have much more success reshaping your ideas about sex with open, honest communication. Both partners should make themselves emotionally available and vulnerable, ensuring you're on equal footing. Communication is at the heart of most successful, healthy relationships—and your sexual bond with your spouse is no exception. They can't read your mind; you must tell your partner what you want.  

Express sexual desires, limits, and expectations

Just as your personality grows and evolves with time and experience, so do your sexual desires, boundaries, and expectations. If you got married in your twenties, chances are your sex life is drastically different by the time you make it to your forties. 

You may have discovered new interests you’re afraid to discuss, but remember that you love and trust your partner. You want to please them, and they likely want to know how to please you if your tastes have changed. Create a safe place to discuss your fantasies and explore what you’re willing to explore together. Check-in with each other often to ensure you both know what the other wants sexually. 

If life is too hectic for random sex—put it on the schedule 

It can be easy to get caught up in the chaos of your daily lives, but if you find things are too hectic for you and your partner to manage random, spontaneous sex, then put it on the schedule with everything else. Maintaining the sexual side of your marriage can increase your satisfaction in the relationship. 

“Besides the maturation of a relationship, other factors can lead to less intimacy, too. Career and family pressures can eat up your time and zap your energy. Relational hurts or resentments can develop over time. One of the most common? Feeling overwhelmed and resentful that your partner isn’t helping out as much as you would like.” — Johns Hopkins Medicine

What can you do to spice up the sex in your marriage?

Explore helpful tips you can use to revive the sexual spark in your marriage. 

Try something different

You may fall into a comfortable routine if you've been married for a while. While it may be convenient, it isn't usually particularly sexy. Try something different to switch things up—one (or both) of you keep your clothes on, skip work to make love, or get a hotel room for a night alone together.  

Rekindle your sexual chemistry

Physical touch with your partner can release the hormone oxytocin, which triggers pleasure and reward centers in your brain and makes you crave more time. Retrain your brain to crave your spouse sexually.  

Research new sexual positions together and try them

Look up sexual positions together and find a few that interest both of you. Consider it a very adult game of Twister and try something new. 

Plan a sensual spa day and give each other massages as foreplay

Light some candles and get out the massage oils. Explore your partner’s body from head to toe, touching them everywhere before they return the favor. This type of foreplay can make you aware of every part of them and where they reacted to your touch. 

Read an erotic story together

Try reading an erotic story out loud together. Delving into a sexy narrative can make you visualize yourselves in the situations, increasing arousal and imagination.

Remember the erotic power of kissing

While you likely haven’t spent much time “making out” since you were a teenager, take some time to rediscover the erotic power of kissing your partner and delaying sexual intercourse. 

Watch an erotic movie together

Visual media can be an effective way to boost sensual arousal in your marriage. Watch an erotic movie together, or try watching pornography if you find something that appeals to both of you. 

Take sex out of the bedroom

If your sexual encounters have been confined to the bedroom for a long time, try having sex elsewhere. Make sure the kids are asleep and get frisky in the living room, or arrange a sneaky tryst in the backyard if you have a nice isolation fence. Be mindful of public indecency laws; you don't want to get in trouble.

Talk about your fantasies and try some you’re both comfortable with

Fantasies can be a powerful sexual tool. Talk about what fantasies you’d like to explore and pick some you’re both comfortable acting out together. If you have a threesome fantasy but aren’t willing to involve another person, try using your imagination and narrating how the scene would play out as you have sex. 

More ways to spice up your sex life

• Experiment with role-playing and talking dirty.
• Build anticipation through the day by sexting.
• Explore alternative sexual lifestyles for potential interest.
• Enhance pleasure with sex toys.
• Dress up for each other.
• Play a sexy game.
• Get sweaty working out together.

Speak with a sex or relationship therapist

If you and your spouse are committed to reenergizing your sex life but are unsure where to start, you may benefit from speaking with a sex or relationship therapist for the support and guidance of a mental health professional as you work to reconnect with your partner sexually. 

How couples therapy can support sexual exploration in marriage

When you’ve both agreed to reinvigorate the sexual connection in your relationship, consider working with a licensed couples therapist through a virtual therapy platform focused on relationship issues like Regain. Therapy can support you both as you embark on the journey of “sexploration” to realign sexual desires, habits, and boundaries with your spouse. You can also learn healthy conflict resolution, communication strategies, and coping skills to help manage stress. 

Recent studies show that online and traditional face-to-face couples therapy provide similar results. Couples therapy typically increases relationship satisfaction and decreases symptoms associated with depression, stress, and anxiety. Teletherapy platforms offer unique benefits such as lower costs, shorter wait times, and connection to a comprehensive selection of qualified therapists. 

Takeaway 

Many couples experience a drop in sexual attraction or activity after years of marriage. While it is a common occurrence, it doesn’t have to signal the end of the relationship. The information presented in this article offers helpful tips to spice up your sex life and reconnect with your partner and how therapy can support you through the process.