Seven Intimacy Exercises For Couples To Build Connection And Trust

Most of us desire relationships in which we feel safe, loved and cared for. Intimacy is a feeling of closeness and trust. There are different types of intimacy, including emotional intimacy, physical intimacy, and intellectual intimacy. 

This article explores intimacy techniques and exercises for couples to facilitate emotional and physical closeness. Whether you're look to rediscover intimacy in your marriage or you're building intimacy for the first time with your partner, these exercises can help you rekindle those feelings of connection, love and trust in only a few minutes.

Even though these intimacy exercises are for couples, you can use them with other people in your life, too, such as friends or co-workers.

Get familiar with your partner's love language

Designed by Dr. Gary Chapman, the Five Love Languages are ways people show and desire love and affection. Dr. Chapman noticed love languages after the same problems kept cropping up in his practice and in his own marriage. One partner would express a lack of intimacy and the other partner felt they'd done everything in their power to show intimacy. Learning communication skills that work with your partner is key in every relationship.

How can one person feel unloved while the other person feels like they're pouring their heart out? The explanation: both partners had a different default love language. The recognized love languages are:

• Acts of service
• Quality time
• Words of affirmation
• Physical touch
• Giving or receiving gifts

Let's say one partner's love language is physical touch, while the other person's is words of affirmation. Perhaps they hold hands under the dinner table, have sex regularly, and in general show physical intimacy freely. The person whose love language is physical touch feels satisfied with their intimacy as a couple, while the other partner still feels as though something is lacking because their love language, words of affirmation, is not being reciprocated.

The first partner might feel they're doing everything in their power to love the other person. Yet, they're satisfying their own love language, not the other person's. For the other partner to feel as loved, they would need to hear words of affirmation like, “I appreciate you,” “I enjoy spending time with you,” and so on.

Often, the problem is that we show love with our preferred love language and in most relationships, people have different love languages. Instead, we should try to show love in the way that the other person likes to receive it. Dr. Gary Chapman has a quiz to help you figure out what your love language is and what your partner's is. Once you get a hang of it though, you'll start noticing what love language the people around you are using.

Once you figure out your partner's love language (or their top two), you can start changing the way you display affection toward them. Yet, you should also consider taking a well-rounded approach. It can feel uncomfortable to go out of your comfort zone, but it could teach you a lot about yourself and your own love language. People's preferences can change as they change, and intimacy isn't a one-trick pony. We'll go over intimacy exercises for couples in all five areas. First up: acts of service.

Acts of service

This love language is all about giving your time to someone else and helping them in some way. They're often the ones who take the role of caretaker, so they appreciate when other people take care of them.

Here's a few acts of services you can do for someone with this love language:

• Make dinner
• Help them finish a project that's been weighing on them
• Clean up
• Run errands for them
• Prepare a bath
• Do something for them that they don't enjoy doing themselves

These are only a few examples of how you can show intimacy in marriage or a relationship. Everyone is different. Ask the person what would make them feel loved. Keep in mind that if this person hates taking out the trash and you agree to do it, you must follow through. 

Also, you can combine love languages. This can be useful if your partner has two prominent love languages or if you're trying to be well-rounded in your intimacy. Making dinner is both an act of service and quality time if you give them your full attention throughout the meal. Giving a massage satisfies both an act of service and physical touch. Saying you'll do something because you love someone is considered words of affirmation. And once you do it, that's an act of service.

With relationships being a central part of our lives, try to get creative and figure out what your partner enjoys and watch how they give you love. That can be a big clue as to how they like to receive love.

Quality time

This one can be tricky. What you might consider quality time might not resonate with your partner. For example, you might equate gardening with quality time, while your partner might see it as an unpleasant chore.

Sometimes you'll have to compromise. You may sometimes have to give your partner quality time through doing things you don't like as much as they do. However, communicating with your partner can be helpful in determining ways to have quality time that work for both of you. For example, if you both enjoy the outdoors, you can watch the stars together or go for a walk in the woods.

Quality time doesn't always have to be interactive either. You could soul gaze and stare into each other's eyes. You might both enjoy reading a book side by side or watching the sunset in silence. It depends on the person. Some people might consider watching T.V. quality time, while the other person prefers your full attention during quality time.

With that in mind, here's some quality time inspiration:

• having dinner together with no distractions
• going for a hike or nature walk
• talking about your dreams and fears
• watching your favorite show together
• going on a weekend vacation
• stargazing
• dancing in the kitchen
• having a picnic
• go to a painting/pottery/crafts class together

Quality time tends to be doing something your partner enjoys, free from distractions. If you have an extroverted partner, they might count going to the bar with friends as quality time. If this is your partner's love language, and you still have a lack of intimacy, ask them about it. Are your needs being met? Have you asked them about their needs?

Physical touch

Physical connection is often correlated with sex. Physical touch isn't all about sex, but it can be part of it depending on the relationship and individuals. However, sex doesn’t have to play into this love language if that’s what works best for you and your partner.

Even if you aren't sexually active with your partner, if one or both of you experience physical touch as a primary love language, below are some simple ways to meet these needs:

• snuggle/cuddle
• hold hands
• kiss
• long hugs
• back massage
• back scratch
• scalp massage
• a light touch, such as on the arm, as you walk by your partner

Doing tantric practices like breathing, yoga, and meditation with your partner can also be effective. Take deep breaths together and be present in the moment. 

You can also use physical touch in your platonic relationships. Physical intimacy isn't only the physical acts themselves. You must communicate your desires and ask about theirs. More on this later.

Giving or receiving gifts

This love language sometimes comes with the most negative connotations. For that reason, it's important not to condemn your partner if this is their love language.

It might be that they have fond memories of opening presents on holidays growing up. It might be that they enjoy surprises. Or perhaps they didn’t grow up with much and so gifts hold meaning for them. For a person who enjoys receiving gifts, that doesn't always mean it has to be material things. They might enjoy receiving tickets to their favorite band, or love receiving art from their children. You could get them a reoccurring box service. If they love to cook, you could get them a meal box that comes with the recipe and all the ingredients they need to make it.

Here are a few more gift ideas to consider:

• handmade items (painting, knitted scarf, letters, etc.)
• flowers
• experience gifts (escape room, going out for dinner, etc.)
• their favorite dessert

As with any love language, ask what they'd like to receive and watch how they show love to others. You'll gain insights into what they like and want.

Words of affirmation

Words of affirmation are a way to express your praise, appreciation, affection and gratitude for someone with. A big example might be your wedding vows. They often contain what you like about your partner and your promises to them.

Weddings are full of examples of love languages in action:

• first look = quality time
• first dance = physical touch
• cutting the cake = act of service
• vows = words of affirmation
• rings = gift

The list goes on. This could be why people often say their wedding day was the best day of their life. Love, connection and intimacy are at the center of the wedding day. Sometimes people forget to keep that love going for the entire marriage.

To have intimacy in your relationship, start incorporating one act of love each day. If your partner's love language is words of affirmation, try these:

• handwritten letters and cards
• the classic, "I love you"
• saying "I'm grateful for you because…"
• renewing your wedding vows
• complimenting their achievements
• saying, "I love when you…"
• or, "Thank you for…."

Words of affirmation can be about your partner's physical appearance if that's what they like, but they shouldn't be all about that. Your partner may appreciate it if you give them more in-depth praise and compliments.

Again, these are just ideas to springboard you into intimate conversation. Intimate couples know that the person they married will change over time. We never fully know ourselves or each other, as we change many times throughout life. So be flexible. What might have made them feel loved at one point can change. 

That's where the next intimacy exercises come in. They're centered on communication.

Learn how to communicate well

Even if you know your partner's love language and you're doing things from the list of exercises, it can still fall short. That's why communication is key. If the expressions of love are insincere or forced or don’t actually suit your partner’s needs or preferences, they won’t do much in the way of fostering genuine intimacy.

Be sure to express concerns with your partner, and be open to their concerns too. They're not telling you to hurt your feelings. They're telling you so that your relationship can improve and grow. Encourage that! This next exercise will help you create a framework for these discussions.

Dialoguing

Formulated by Helen LaKelly Hunt, PhD. and Harville Hendrix, PhD, dialoguing is a structured conversation with clear rules. It makes tough conversations easier because it's clear whose turn it is to talk. This can be vital for intimate couples because it makes you both feel heard and seen.

It's also helpful because it's harder to have a misunderstanding, as you'll see when we go through the five-step process of dialoguing. You might choose to dialogue if you had a big argument or if you have the same fights repeatedly. Once you get used to it, you may find that you want to dialogue before an argument even happens.

Step one: Ask to dialogue. Once you or your partner ask to dialogue, it's important to either have the dialogue in that moment or set a specific time that you will dialogue. Keep in mind that this can be a lengthy process, but it can help foster a happy and intimate relationship.

Step two: Choose who will talk first, or you can decide that whoever asks to dialogue always gets to talk first. Whatever works for you. It doesn't matter because this process makes sure you both get equal time.

If your partner is going first, your job is to listen without interrupting them. Be compassionate and try not reacting to their words. Just listen. Allow them to keep going until they say they're finished. If they look like they're pausing to add more, be patient. If they forget to say, "that's all" or let you know they're finished, you can ask, "Is there more?" Otherwise, keep listening until they're ready to stop. You might consider taking down some notes as they talk and ensuring that you write down your own thoughts you’d like to address beforehand.

Step three: Repeat back everything they said. Don't add your own commentary, just summarize what they said. This step is critical because you might have misconstrued something. Instead of misunderstanding and holding a grudge, you'll get clarity on what they meant. You'll have a turn to respond soon. Once you've relayed everything you remember, say, "Did I miss anything?"

Step four: Your partner will add to or change what you said in your recap. Then you repeat it back to them one or two more times until you're both on the same page. When there's no more to repeat, ask, "Is there more?" If they say no, move to step five. If they say yes, listen and repeat these last comments and move to step five.

Step five: Now it's your turn to speak your mind. Repeat steps one through five, except now it's your turn to talk and their turn to listen. You can respond to things your partner said. Or you can add any details you thought were important about the situation that your partner didn't address. There's no time limit. Say everything you need to say (this is where the aforementioned tip of writing things down ahead of time can come in handy). Once you're finished, let your partner know by saying "that's all" or something to that effect.

You can cycle through the steps as many times as necessary. Sometimes all you both needed was to feel understood. Being heard and getting someone's undivided attention is hard to come by in our distracted world and can feel very validating. 

Dialogues typically take longer than a regular discussion or disagreement, but they can get to the core of the problem by helping both of you understand the other's point of view. This will save you time in the long run because you won't have the same fights repeatedly. If you don't have time for a full dialogue when the argument happens, set a specific time when you do.

Big talk

Inspired by her desire to meet new people and have meaningful conversations, Kalina Silverman started a movement. She began meeting strangers and skipping the small talk. Instead of asking them about the weather, she went straight for what she calls "Big Talk." She asked, "What would you like to do before you die?"

This one question alone led her to deep and personal conversations. They told her things they may not have told some of their closest friends because she had the courage to ask one question. And just as important, she listened.

On her website and in the Make Big Talk community, you can find a lot of big talk questions. Even if you've already gone through the entire list of questions, do it again every few years. You might be surprised by what's changed about you or your partner over the course of your life together.

Here are a few of them:

• Where do you want to be in five years?
• If money wasn't an object, what would you do?
• What's your biggest fear?
• How are you really doing today?

These questions can uncover relationship problems you may not have recognized before. Talking about them is the first step to acting and making things better. Even if no red flags come up in these conversations, you may feel closer to each other. Intimate couples know how to listen and make the other person feel heard.

Find more ways to improve your relationship

Relationships take time and effort. Intimacy takes time to be built and rebuilt. Here is the list of exercises again to boost your intimacy:

1. Observe how your partner gives love and replicate what you see
2. Talk to each other about your love languages and what makes you feel loved
3. Do one thing every day to show your love based on their love language(s)
4. Incorporate acts from all five love languages to add depth
5. Set times to dialogue when conflicts arise
6. Make time for deep discussions about your fears, dreams and desires
7. Ask deep questions you've already asked your partner every few years to see what's changed

We are never finished learning and growing, and neither are the people in our lives. Welcome and respect that change by checking in with them. What may have worked to grow your intimacy at one point, may not be enough now. People aren't static, so your relationship shouldn't be either. Use these suggestions to incorporate deeper communication, love languages and surprises into your life. 

If you think that your relationship might benefit from some outside, non-biased help, Reain offers online relationship therapy for both couples and individuals. Sessions are one on one, convenient, and customizable, able to be held via phone, video chat, or secure instant messaging anywhere you have an internet connection and feel comfortable. 

Additionally, research indicates that online therapy is just as effective as in-person therapy for a variety of conditions and concerns, including aiding relationships. A 2022 study on relationship counseling held via video conferencing found that therapeutic alliance (the degree of trust and comfort between client and therapist) did not differ between online and in-person therapy. Additionally, the study “indicated improvements in relationship satisfaction, mental health, and all other outcome scores over time” that were comparable to those of couples who received in-person therapy.

If you’d like to improve the intimacy in your relationship and think that you might benefit from online therapy, Regain therapists are available whenever you’re ready.