10 Tips For Loving Someone With Depression

Depression is a cruel, difficult, and emotionally taxing mental disorder that can make relationships hard. Learning the best ways to handle a relationship in which one party manages depression can be central to succeeding. When you love someone with depression, several actions can help the situation. While seeking help should generally be a top priority with depression and other mental illnesses, there are some actions that you might consider as someone that loves an individual with depression. If you are looking for something to make your relationship better, the following ten tips can do just that.

What is depression? 

Depressive disorders, as defined in the Diagnostic Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5), can be classified as major depressive disorder (MDD), persistent depressive disorder (PDD), premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD), disruptive mood dysregulation disorder (DMDD), and depressive disorder due to another medical condition. The most common type of depression is major depression, also called clinical depression, which can have specifiers of seasonal affective disorder, peripartum depression, and atypical depression. Additionally, people with bipolar disorder may experience episodes of major depression. 

Though the symptoms of depression can differ from person-to-person across these disorders, there are some symptoms that may indicate it’s worth reaching out for professional help. Depression symptoms may include: 

• Feeling sad or hopeless
• Irritability
• Losing interest in activities you used to enjoy
• Changes in eating habits and/or significant weight changes
• Changes in sleeping habits, such as insomnia or oversleeping
• Low energy, fatigue, or restlessness
• Difficulty recalling information, focusing, or making decisions
• Physical symptoms, such as migraines, nausea, or diarrhea 
• Self-harm
• Suicidal ideation

If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts or urges, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988. Support is available 24/7.

Not all people will experience all of these symptoms, and symptoms can range from mild to severe. For a provider to make a diagnosis of major depressive disorder, a person must present at least five symptoms, which are present for at least two weeks. Additionally, these symptoms must result in significant distress or impairment to function. However, even if symptoms are sub-clinical (meaning they do not qualify for a mental disorder diagnosis), any of these symptoms can cause mental health harm. 

If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts or urges, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988. Support is available 24/7.

What can you do to be supportive? 

Depression can be very difficult to manage, for both the person who has depression, and for the people around them who love and support them. The following tips can help you be supportive of someone you love with depression:

Listen actively

 Sometimes the best thing for someone with depression is to have someone to listen to them. Of course, there are a few things you should know if you're dating someone with depression. It is especially important to lend a listening ear to the person you love and love you in return. Listening involves simply opening your ears, not preparing for a response or offering up advice. Allowing your partner to get their thoughts off their chest is the goal.

Listen closely, hear what is being said, and only speak when repeating back what you're being told as a way to show that you're listening. Use clear body language that indicates your complete attention, such as looking at the person as they speak and nodding your head when you understand what they are saying. You might be surprised at the improvements you experience in your relationship when listening becomes a priority. Couples therapy is a great tool to help you learn how to listen effectively.

Positive comments and encouragement

It can be a hard job to lift people when they are feeling down. In fact, a person with depression is likely unable to be pulled from a slump with a few nice comments. However, reminding your partner (and yourself) of the things that you love about them can be a small light in the darkness.

Not only will an honest compliment allow some positivity into your loved one's depressive state, but it can make the relationship easier for you as well. Sometimes when a mental illness like depression is the focus of the relationship, it can be good to change the focus to something a bit more positive. Positivity can become easier to find by seeking help if needed.

Patience is crucial

Having patience is a necessity when loving someone with depression. If patience is not your strong suit, your relationship can give you plenty of practice. Sometimes finding your patience requires truly thinking about depression as a disease. It is not something that can be turned off with the desire to get better.

Healing is a process: there will be ups and downs. During those "down" moments, your partner may prefer to be alone or not want to leave the house. Remembering that they would probably love to spend time with you or go out but are simply unable to have their disease can help you consider patience as the best response.

Tough love is not a good approach

Sometimes it can feel as though you want your significant other to snap out of it, which leads to some tough love. While tough love might teach a teenager a lesson about life, it is not the way to approach depression. By offering up direct statements meant to get your partner out of their mind, you are likely only making the situation harder.

A person who has this mental illness can easily fall into an even deeper depression by being reminded of the things they feel they should do. Avoid tough love, seek help in handling your partner's disease, and get them the help they need.

Ask how you can help

Most people with mental illness do not expect their partners to ignore it. However, many individuals experience a significant other that tries to help in the wrong way. Because of this, those with depression find it helpful when their partners ask what can be done to help. This opens the line of communication in the relationship and makes both needs and desires more apparent.

Asking your partner what you can do for them also means that you must listen to the answer. If they want to be left alone, give them time. If date night gets canceled, try for a later date. Ask, listen, and seek help yourself if necessary.

Give your time

When your loved one wants to stay home but doesn't necessarily want to be alone, offer your time. Maybe they want to sit mindlessly in front of the television - set with them. Sometimes your time and attention can work wonders on depression. Encourage, but don't force, activities together.

Make plans, even if they are unable to be kept. Go on walks, play a board game, or shoot hoops. Allowing your significant other to have your time reminds them of their importance in your life. This reminder is important in the varied thoughts of a depressed individual.

Prompt a discussion about their feelings

Many people who find themselves loving someone with depression learn to pick up on subtle cues indicating when their loved one is heading into a depressive state. While it can be important to recognize these cues, it is also important to ask your significant other how they are doing. Even if the question is just a way to check in, asking your partner to open up about what is going on in their mind can reveal a lot about their mental state.

A starting question is a good way to help untangle their thoughts as it can often lead to other questions. Discussion of what is bothering your loved one can be crucial to your relationship, but perhaps more importantly, their mental health.

Do not compare yourselves

It can be a challenge to hear what someone is experiencing mental health issues and not offer up a similar experience that you have had. However, comparing your own story to your loved one's current woes can make it seem like their feelings are dismissed.

Remember that it isn't all about you or what you have gone through in the past, no matter how relatable it might make you seem. Rather, save your story for another time. Allow your significant other's thoughts to be the topic of conversation and not something you went through prior. While you might relate to the situation, it is best to focus on the present. The present should take precedence.

You are not the cause

At times it might feel as though you are causing your loved one to be depressed. It appears that you have been bearing the burden of why your girlfriend or boyfriend is depressed, and it appears that you are not helping to resolve the current concerns. This is not the case. Feeling like the problem is a common issue in relationships where one partner has depression.

Just as a single person cannot cure their loved one's depression, you are also unable to be the cause of it. Call it ego, call it hubris, or even call it guilt. Whatever name you put to it is irrelevant: you are not the cause of your loved one's depression. Knowing that truth can take a weight off your shoulders and simultaneously make the relationship easier.

You are not less important

A relationship requires a lot of giving and taking. Sometimes it can feel as though you give far more than you take because of your loved one's mental illness. Even if this is true, it is good to know that you are not the less important party in the relationship. You must take care of yourself first before you can help someone else. Loving someone with depression can be confusing and difficult.

It can be challenging to think rationally when you feel forgotten or lonely. However, finding the balance that works for both parties in the relationship is crucial to having a successful relationship. Your feelings of frustration are just as valid as your partner's feelings. A good relationship fosters a level of communication that can help both people. Learning how to reach this level of communication can often be learned in counseling.

Don’t feel as though you need to be the whole support system

The phrase “it takes a village” can apply to depressive disorders. While romantic partners and family members can be key players in offering support, there are other resources available that can take some of the weight off your shoulders, such as: 

• Support groups

Support groups for depression can offer peer support, advice, and new friends. Many people with depression find it helpful to speak with people who are experiencing similar challenges and symptoms. 

• Therapy

While it can be helpful to read medically reviewed information on depression online, there are also times where you’ll get a higher degree of support from actually working with a trained, licensed professional. 

Psychotherapy (talk therapy) is considered a first-line treatment for depression. While in-person therapy is an option, it can be expensive and inconvenient, especially for people navigating symptoms like fatigue and lethargy that may make it difficult to leave the house. 

Online individual and couple’s talk therapy, which is offered on platforms like Regain, is supported by psychological research. For example, one randomized controlled trial comparing in-person and remote cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) found that both types of session lead to significant improvements in depression symptoms, and these improvements were comparable between the groups.

When you are dating someone with depression, it can be helpful to remind yourself that you don’t have to be their whole support system. Family members, friends, support groups, and therapy can be of great help for yourself, your partner, and your relationship.

Takeaway

There is no weakness in depression nor in loving someone with depression. In truth, both sides of a relationship that involves mental illness require a lot of strength. Strength is necessary to get through a depression and to be there for someone who manages it. Being a listening ear or a shoulder to lean on in times of hardship is the role of someone who loves an individual with depression.

If you are struggling with loving someone with depression, there is help available to you. Don't wait it out or assume that the depression will get better on its own. Encourage your loved one to seek help and offer to speak with a professional to learn best how to help. Depression does not have to be the end of the relationship. With strength, perseverance, and professional help, love can thrive.