Are Love And War The Same?

Updated October 21, 2024by Regain Editorial Team

When you think of love, you may think of a romance between two young people or an old couple who have endured decades of hardships and have stood the test of time. You may imagine romance, kissing, and memorable dates. When you imagine war, you might think of two people shouting at each other, conflicts arising, violence, and bloodshed. So, how can these two contradicting concepts, love and war, be in any way alike? In this post, we will look at the similarities between love and war and explain just how close they might be to one another.

Rawpixel
Looking for peace in your relationship?

Love and war can be inevitable and happen quickly or slowly

Most of us imagine a peaceful world with no conflict and no war. However, we know that reality is much different. Humans are tribal creatures, and since the beginning of time, there has been some form of conflict and an endless number of reasons to keep fighting. There will continue to be disagreements in the world, and when neither party wants to resolve them with words, they will likely choose to fight to see which party prevails.

Love is also often inevitable. Many people fall in love and find the partner who is right for them even if they feel like they'll never fall in love. The speed at which love and war develop can be similar as well. Some wars take years of tension and disagreements to start. Likewise, there may be romantic tension between two people that takes a while to blossom into love.

The opposite can be true as well; love can happen suddenly. You might meet someone, start hitting it off, and before long, find that you both are in love. War can be fast, too. Two countries that don't have any problem with each other may experience a domino effect and be at each other's throats in just a short amount of time, especially if the problem is particularly pressing. 

War is sometimes fought as love

When it comes to wars, we fight them for many reasons. Some love the thrill of battle or like to have a purpose in mind that inspires them to fight. Others may fight because of the love of their country. They may feel that by doing so, they are working to defend their family and livelihood. 

War can happen during love

Conflict can arise in any relationship, no matter how close you two are. Even the subtlest of differences can create problems, and since no two people are alike, how these issues are resolved can depend on the couple. Sometimes, the conflict can be resolved peacefully, but other times, you may be shouting at each other and find that it only makes the situation worse.

Another similarity between conflict and war can be the mounting tension that often occurs. One side is normally the aggressor, while the other side counters by being aggressive as well. Both sides often increase their aggressive tendencies until one of them makes the declaration of war. By resolving tensions, you can decrease the chances of further conflict. This can be true in relationships and in wars.

War and forgiveness

Many countries that have had hostile wars in the past end up being allies in the long run. The US had an intense war with Japan that ended in a nuclear bombing, but today, Japan and the US are not enemies. Time can heal wounds, up to and including war. The same can apply to conflict. You may have fights with your spouse, but you can take the steps needed to forgive and forget by giving some space and time and talking openly about the issue with one another.

What are the similarities between love and war?

Both can be irrational

There may be rational reasons for a conflict, but all logic can get thrown out the window whenever tensions are so high. Civilized societies may turn into beasts, fighting it out until one can't fight any longer. There is no intelligence in killing each other, but we do it anyway. 

Meanwhile, love can have the same rules. When you're lovestruck by someone, your rationality might disappear. You may no longer be able to think straight or talk to someone without love blinding you. In some cases, love and war can be logical, but for the most part, instincts take over, and when it ends, we may feel regretful it ever happened.

Both can be destructive

It can take a lot of courage to admit you love someone, and in some romantic situations, courage may be required when everyone is against the relationship. The same can apply to war. When fighting a war, it takes courage to face death and realize that you may die on the battlefield. This isn't to say that courage is equal in both situations; risking your life, to most people, would seem to be the more courageous option. However, the courage you feel when you experience love is unique and can be considered. Opening yourself up and being so vulnerable with another person puts you at risk of great heartbreak. Studies show that emotional injuries can feel like physical ones and that getting dumped can physically hurt. Love is worth it for many people, but that’s not to say it comes without great risk.

Both can involve courage

War, in general, is destructive, but some wars only last for a short time before the conflict is finally resolved. Meanwhile, other wars may lead to destruction and affect more people. They may last for years, killing a lot of people in the process, or those in conflict might escalate their arsenal until they are killing each other with nukes or other weapons of mass destruction.

Love can be the same way. When a relationship ends, it can either end in an amicable fashion or in a hostile manner. Some breakups happen because two people realize that although they love each other, they simply aren’t compatible long-term. In other split-ups, one or both parties may be thrown under the bus and have resentment toward each other. This can be especially true in a divorce in which child custody battles and alimony disputes are taking place. In love and in war, figuring out how to de-escalate the situation can be an effective way to avoid more destruction.

Both can exist together

You may fight for your country because you have a love for it, and the same can happen in romantic situations as well. You might be at war with your own emotions and ego as you try to humble yourself for your partner. Or you may be at war with the parents of your lover because they don’t approve of you. You could be at war with your partner if you're concerned for their well-being, and there is a disagreement that arises. In many cases, love and conflict can exist simultaneously. 

Both are polar opposites that may be closer than you think

Love and war are opposites, but they may be more similar than most people realize. Extreme emotions tend to have a thin line between them. Someone you're in love with can turn into your worst enemy if the situation goes awry, particularly if they know how to push your buttons. The same can be true for relationships between different countries, where our closest allies can become our enemies because of one mistake. You might have high expectations of your romantic life, and when they aren't met, it can come crashing down. The same can be said of countries. 

They involve doing drastic things for your best interests

The phrase "all is fair in love and war" exists for a reason. With war, you are willing to try every tactic in the book to win. You may resort to dirty guerrilla tactics to defeat your enemy or use the most destructive bomb possible. War is not like a sanctioned fight where there are boundaries.

Love can be the same way. When you're in love, anything can be fair game. You may end up buying extravagant gifts to impress your love, or you may end up hurting someone who is also interested in your love. While we don't necessarily want or try to play dirty, these extreme emotions can make us do just that.

Both can be faked for benefit

Sometimes, war is manufactured for the benefit of someone else. In proxy wars, two powerful countries back different sides in a war between less powerful parties. This often benefits them in some way. There can be a financial gain in war sometimes as well. On the other hand, some people may fake being in love to gain some benefit, be it sexual or another form of gratification.

Both can be regretful

War can be a huge regret whenever all is said and done. Looking back at our history, we can see wars through a fresh lens and realize that many of them were unneeded or could have been resolved in a more efficient, honorable way. This can apply to love as well. After entering a relationship, you may realize that you regret getting into it, and think that you could have found someone better or handled the relationship differently. Likewise, you could breakup with someone and regret your decision later. While hindsight is often 20/20, it can be important to remember that we are all human, and we all make mistakes.

Getty/AnnaStills
Looking for peace in your relationship?

Online counseling with Regain

If you’re experiencing a love/war relationship, you may be able to resolve some issues with the help of a mediator or someone else who is otherwise unbiased and level-headed. Conflict doesn’t have to signal the end of a relationship; rather, it can be an opportunity to practice empathy and grow as both individuals and a couple. Talking to an online relationship counselor through Regain could provide you with the intervention and tools you need to repair your relationship with your partner. Learning how to resolve conflict in a healthy, respectful way can be key to a happy long-term relationship. Whether you choose to talk to your therapist through video chats, phone calls, or in-app messaging, you can begin getting the support you need whenever you’re ready. 

The efficacy of online counseling 

Couples who are facing a variety of obstacles in their relationship could benefit from online counseling, as one study showed. Researchers explored the effectiveness of an internet-based couples therapy intervention for improving relationship satisfaction and decreasing relationship distress. They found that couples participating in the program were more aware of the issues in their relationship and felt more confident coming up with solutions to fix them. Couples experienced less distress and greater satisfaction with one another because they were able to make lasting changes within the relationship. 

Takeaway

Love and war may have similarities, but within relationships, it can be important to foster the former. Love, kindness, and respect can be vital to any healthy relationship. If your relationship feels more like war than love, it could be beneficial to confide in a licensed online counselor for help. A Regain therapist can provide advice for cultivating a greater sense of commitment, loyalty, and trust in your relationship. Mutually satisfying, healthy relationships are possible with the right support, skills, and tools. 

For Additional Help & Support With Your ConcernsThis website is owned and operated by BetterHelp, who receives all fees associated with the platform.
The information on this page is not intended to be a substitution for diagnosis, treatment, or informed professional advice. You should not take any action or avoid taking any action without consulting with a qualified mental health professional. For more information, please read our terms of use.
Get the support you need from one of our therapistsGet Started
This website is owned and operated by BetterHelp, who receives all fees associated with the platform.