Are You Or Your Partner Love Avoidant?

Are you having trouble truly connecting with your current romantic partner? Some relationships are going to be tougher than others, and things don't always go smoothly. You might find that it feels like your partner is putting up barriers or is keeping things from you. If there is something in your way that is preventing the relationship from experiencing true intimacy, then you or your partner might be love avoidant. Indeed, loving someone with avoidant attachment can be frustrating, but how can you tell if this is what's going on and what can you do if it is?

What does being love avoidant mean?

When people are love avoidant, they often seem to avoid letting others get too close. This might mean that someone has trust issues or is very wary of letting someone close enough to hurt them. This has often been associated with someone having been hurt by love in the past. For example, someone who was cheated on in the past may wish to avoid being hurt again. It's important to understand that avoiding being hurt doesn't mean that a person doesn't love. People who have these traits are often involved in relationships. Everyone needs and wants love in some way. A relationship might even be seen as a necessity by some, so it makes sense that they aren't "avoiding love" in a completely literal way. People who have this problem avoid letting relationships progress beyond a certain point.

The most common example of someone who avoids love in a relationship is someone who puts up walls. If you have these tendencies, then you might avoid opening up about certain topics. When something starts to get too real or too emotional, you may turn away or change the subject. This could also involve being emotionally distant from your partner.

This can be a real problem when you want a relationship to progress to the next level. If either you or your partner avoids love in some way, then you'll want to work on things to allow your relationship to flourish. Before moving forward, you'll need to determine whether you or your partner have a problem, though.

Signs that someone is love avoidant

To figure out if you or your partner are love avoidant, it will be useful to look at certain signs. If you recognize this behavior in yourself or your partner, you might want to reach out for help. Try your best to honestly examine your relationship to determine if this is a problem for you.

Evading emotional intimacy

Have you been avoiding or evading emotional intimacy in your relationship? Has your partner been hesitant to allow things to get too emotional? If so, this could be a sign that one of you is love avoidant. Emotional connections and intimacy are often going to be too deep for love avoidants to handle.

If someone avoids getting too personal, then this may be a sign that they're putting up walls. Discussing emotions or feelings might wind them up, making them act strangely. You might find that your partner will distance themselves from you if you try to bring up the topic of love or the future. Emotional intimacy is difficult when someone is afraid to take a relationship to that level. 

Drastic mood or personality change when a relationship gets real

You might also notice that love avoidants will go through drastic mood changes when a relationship becomes too real. Some people who want to avoid getting hurt will be fine with a superficial relationship. When emotions start to get involved, they might wind up acting like a completely different person. Your once happy and kind partner could turn into a distant and seemingly uncaring individual.

This is due to their fear and hesitance to allow themselves to get into a committed relationship. It could be due to some pain that they experienced in the past. Some people even become this way due to seeing how poorly relationships have gone for their parents or other authority figures in their lives. Whatever the cause might be, you need to know that this is a common sign that someone avoids letting relationships go to the next level.

Narcissistic tendencies

Many love avoidants may also seem to have narcissistic tendencies. This isn't true in all cases, but you might find that someone avoiding a committed relationship will be very self-involved. A person might be focusing a lot of attention on themselves to avoid feeling the need to place that attention elsewhere. They are often very selfish about things and care more about their feelings or desires than those close to them.

Understand that not all love avoidants have narcissistic tendencies. This is just a potential sign that you or your partner might be love avoidants. It can be hard to recognize these traits in yourself, too. Someone might appear very confident and self-important, but they can still be a emotional mess on the inside.

Possible addiction problems

Many of the problems love avoidants experience stem from past emotional trauma. Sometimes this trauma can cause them to have addictive tendencies. This could present itself as problems with substance abuse, but it might be another type of addiction that seems harmless at first. Love avoidants might use their addiction as a way to avoid love or getting too close to someone.

People can get addicted to many things and allow them to take up large chunks of their time. For example, you might find that your partner has a video game addiction or maybe they're addicted to working out. Someone spending a large chunk of time in the gym can be looking for a way to avoid having to address their emotional needs or desires. Even people who throw themselves into their work may be avoiding emotional connections.

Can this problem be fixed?

After looking at the possible signs above, it may be easier to determine whether or not you or your partner are love avoidant. If you have noticed any of the above problems in your relationship, then there is a chance that you need to work on things. You might be worried that this is a death knell for your relationship and that things cannot be fixed. This may not be the case, but you will have to get professional help if you want to get the best results.

Emotional intimacy problems can be fixed, and you can work together with your partner to figure things out. Love avoidants aren't necessarily going to be that way forever. They might have been hurt in the past by some issue that profoundly changed them. Emotional love scars can be very tough to heal, but you can make progress over time.

Even if your partner is avoiding an intimate and committed relationship with you, they still might love you. They simply might not be comfortable expressing those feelings in the same way that you are. If you're the one with the emotional problems, you should know that what you're going through right now is perfectly normal. You're not alone, and millions of people have problems letting down their emotional guards to let a relationship flourish.

If you can commit to trying to work on your issues, things can change for the better. You might have someone in your life you don't want to lose. You don't have to give up just because committed relationships scare you. Working together with a couples counselor can make a huge difference in your life, and you can start feeling better about things sooner than you might think.

Online support for developing secure attachments in relationships

Online couples counseling may be a good way to help yourself overcome these emotional problems that you're experiencing. When you don't want to lose a good relationship due to your problems, it makes sense to work on things together. You can sign up for online couples counseling at any time to start making progress. Online therapy can be very effective, and you can locate a counselor no matter where you're located.

Regain's licensed counselors understand how tough it can be for people who have emotional scars. They'll be able to work with you to help you overcome any issues holding you back.

You can speak with a Regain counselor along with your partner to work on your intimacy issues. It's also possible to receive individual counseling to address past trauma which may be keeping you from connecting with others emotionally. This is a convenient way to get help, and you don't even have to leave your house. You'll be able to reach out to an online counselor at any time, and there are many ways to speak to your counselors. Just sign up whenever you're ready so that you and your partner can look forward to a brighter future.