How Borderline Personality Disorder Can Affect A Person's Relationships With Others

If you've ever been in a long-term relationship, you know that maintaining a meaningful connection can be challenging even in the best of times. Preserving bonds with family, friends, and romantic partners may seem downright daunting when you add feelings, emotions, and the occasional disagreement to daily commitments, logistics, and unforeseen circumstances.

For individuals diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD), relationships are often characterized by extreme highs and lows, making it even more difficult to maintain meaningful, healthy connections. As with many types of personality disorders, it can sometimes be challenging to understand why a person with BPD feels the way they do.

This article will discuss common signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder, how a borderline personality develops, and common co-occurring conditions. We'll also cover how BPD affects relationships, as well as treatment options for individuals and couples.

Understanding BPD: History, definition, and statistics

Although neurologist Adolph Stern first recognized "borderline" symptoms in patients in the late 1930s, borderline personality disorder didn't become a formal diagnosis until 1980, when it was first published in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). Stern believed affected patients were on the border of neurosis and psychosis. Decades later, BPD is characterized not by neurosis or psychosis but by unstable moods, behaviors, relationships, and self-image. People with borderline personality disorder may also exhibit a varying profile of symptoms, making diagnosis challenging. 

Even today, BPD is largely misunderstood. Many experts agree that the disorder's name is misleading and increases stigma. BPD is a relatively common disorder, currently affecting over four million people in the U.S. alone. Medically-reviewed BPD symptoms are becoming more commonplace, and effective treatments, such as dialectical behavioral therapy, continue to be developed. 

BPD: A treatable condition

In the following sections, we'll highlight the common signs and symptoms of BPD and how the condition develops. First, it's important to note that this disorder is highly treatable. Even if you're experiencing multiple BPD symptoms, you don't have to experience these symptoms without support.

Some of the most common treatment options for people with BPD are outlined below:

• Psychotherapy, including dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), schema-focused therapy, mentalization-based therapy (MBT), transference-focused psychotherapy (TFP), and systems training for emotional predictability and problem-solving (STEPPS)

• Inpatient programs for individuals in need of intense treatment

If you're struggling with BPD symptoms, you are certainly not alone, and there is hope! People with borderline personalities who seek treatment are very likely to recover, with over 50% recovering after two years and more than 80% recovering after ten years.

Regain's online therapists can help you begin your recovery process and live a healthier, happier life. Later, we'll introduce you to two of our experienced counselors.

Common  signs and symptoms of BPD

Individuals with BPD may experience some of the following symptoms:

• Intense fear of being abandoned by loved ones. Those with BPD may go to great lengths to avoid rejection, temporary separation, or abandonment. This can cause instability in a romantic relationship and trouble connecting to romantic partners.
• Passionate, unstable relationships that are often short-lived. BPD people tend to view relationships as black or white, oscillating between intense love and loathing for their partners, otherwise known as "splitting."
• An unstable sense of self, as well as unclear goals and values. Individuals with BPD may experience self-hatred. They tend to change jobs, friends, intimate partners, goals, and religions often.
• Impulsive behaviors, including risk-taking or disregarding medical advice. Folks with BPD may quit a good job or end a positive relationship on a whim. Risky behaviors may include unprotected sex, excessive shopping, binge eating or drinking, and drug abuse. These behaviors tend to have a negative long-term impact on the individual and their loved ones.
• Unstable emotions and moods, resulting in extreme mood swings. The individual with BPD may feel elation one moment and irritability or intense anxiety the next. These mood swings may be triggered by an insignificant event and can last anywhere from a couple of hours to a few days. The presentation may appear similar to histrionic personality disorder.
• A prolonged feeling of emptiness. This feeling is sometimes accompanied by a feeling of worthlessness.
• Episodes of intense anger. These are characterized by yelling, bitterness, sarcasm, and physical fights. Many people with BPD hold their rage inside and feel intense anger towards themselves.
• Suspicious thoughts and paranoia. In some cases, those experiencing BPD disassociate and lose touch with reality.
• Persistent fight-or-flight mode. It's also believed that the brains of folks with BPD are always on high alert, ready to launch into fight-or-flight mode at any given moment. This can make it difficult to think and act rationally.

How BPD develops

Research suggests that BPD likely develops from a combination of biological and environmental factors. In many cases, individuals with BPD experienced trauma during childhood, including abuse and neglect or exposure to unstable family relationships. If a close family member has BPD or a similar condition, you may be at higher risk. 

Common co-occurring conditions

In many cases, individuals with BPD have co-existing mental health conditions; it's important to seek treatment for each condition.

Common co-occurring conditions can include:

• Mood disorders, including dysthymia, major depressive disorder, and bipolar disorder
• Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
• Anxiety/panic disorders
• Eating disorders, including bulimia, anorexia nervosa, and binge-eating disorder (BED)
• Substance use disorders
• Co-existing personality disorders

How BPD affects relationships

While individuals with a borderline personality disorder often struggle with low self-esteem, they tend to be friendly and engaging. Because people with BPD tend to possess an ever-changing identity, their personality and preferences may shift depending on the person or people they're with or the situation they happen to be in. Below are some other potential situations those with BPD may experience in their relationships.

Emotional tug-of-war

As mentioned previously, folks with BPD fear rejection and abandonment while simultaneously craving connection and closeness with others. This internal tug-of-war results in interpersonal hypersensitivity or difficulty maintaining healthy, loving relationships.

A roller coaster of emotions

As challenging as relationships are for individuals with BPD, their loved ones can also have difficulty knowing how to navigate the relationship. Both parties may feel helpless and unable to find common ground due to the extreme ups and downs that accompany BPD.

Because people with BPD are often desperate to feel "normal" and escape the ever-present sensation of emptiness, they are very observant of others and always look out for shifts in emotional cues in social situations. In some cases, these cues may be misinterpreted.

Unmet expectations

Partners of individuals with BPD may feel like they've failed due to their inability to meet their loved one's emotional needs. People with BPD can hold their partners to an impossible standard, often counting on them to calm the storm that's always brewing inside them. Many relationships crumble under immense pressure, as both parties wind up feeling burnt out, confused, and misunderstood.

It's important to note that individuals with BPD don't operate from a place of manipulation. They long for closeness, connection, and love, but the emotional turmoil inside them can make healthy, happy relationships difficult to maintain.

Escalating arguments

Remaining logical and grounded during an argument can be difficult for an individual with BPD. Arguments may escalate quickly, making loved ones reluctant to challenge or disagree with their partner.

All-or-nothing thinking

Many people with BPD can love their partners one moment and despise them the next. They may see it as an all-or-nothing situation with no middle ground, which is essential for growth, mutual respect, and stability in a relationship.

Misplaced blame

Folks with BPD sometimes struggle to see their own destructive patterns, blaming others for their inability to self-reflect and view relationship problems from a rational perspective.

Find support for BPD in online therapy

As mentioned previously, recovering from BPD is possible. While some individuals may explore alternative options to treat symptoms and co-occurring conditions, psychotherapy is considered the primary treatment option. Awareness and treatment have the power to save relationships. Both individual and couples counseling can be beneficial and even life changing.

Online therapy has helped many people with mental health disorders such as BPD, including other personality disorders, like histrionic personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder. Sessions with a therapist can take place right from the comfort of home, which can make all the difference in terms of consistently getting help, crucial when dealing with many mental health disorders. 

Regain is an online platform where you can get matched with a licensed relationship expert. You and your partner can meet with a counselor via text, phone, or video chat. Speak with your counselor alone, together, or a combination of the two. Read the reviews below to learn how Regain online counselors are helping individuals and couples heal and improve their relationships:

Counselor reviews

"I continue to appreciate Rick's direct and honest approach and the practical ways that he challenges and encourages me. I have been on a long journey with a difficult relationship, and Rick has helped me find effective ways forward at each stage. I am almost there and am grateful for Rick's solid support along the way. No fluff, no patronizing, no sliding over the tough bits—I recommend Rick highly if you are looking for rock-solid support and meaningful progress in any area of your life."

Rick Fulton - (More Reviews)

LPC

"Neil is an open-minded counselor, a great listener, and a great sounding board. He has a refreshing approach to navigating conflict in relationships. He encouraged my partner and me to talk to each other and look at each other directly during therapy rather than talk to him. He asks us pertinent questions that make us reflect on ourselves and our union in a healing way. I would recommend Neil as a counselor, and I'm grateful for his support."

Neil Wolfson - (More Reviews)

MEd,LCSW

Takeaway

Healing from BPD takes time. Your therapist can help you learn to process emotions from a logical perspective and begin shifting away from a stringent black-or-white point of view. Understanding and support from loved ones can also play a major role in recovery. With time and effort, you'll start to see the world and the people in it—in magnificent color.