I Love My Husband, But Does He Love Me?

It is not uncommon for married couples who are in the happiest of relationships to have moments of insecurity. So, it is completely normal to ask yourself at times: Does my husband love me? Sometimes, our partners have this worry, too. When we are overworked or so involved with the kids, we may simply forget do things that show or even say that we love our spouse. It may be assumed that we do, but a reminder is appreciated from time to time. These could be fleeting worries that stem from an insecure attachment style or past hurt.

But what if your concern is valid and these thoughts are not fleeting, but quite frequent? You may often ask yourself "does he love me?" due to your husband’s actions, or even their words. Knowing whether your worries stem from legitimate concern or a different source, like feelings of insecurity or fear of abandonment, can be difficult to discern. In this article, we discuss the sources of these insecurities and explain possible reasons that your husband is currently unable to express intimacy or love. 

Does my husband love me? Understanding his emotions and feelings

Feeling that a spouse does not love you is a confusing and painful experience. This concern can cause stress and nervousness, and lead to feelings of self-doubt and sadness. Let’s look at some of the possible things that could be going on:

They do not feel like themselves

People may grow distant from those they love the most when life feels becomes overwhelming. This may have absolutely nothing to do with whether your spouse loves you or not. Your partner may be feeling down, anxious, insecure, or even experiencing symptoms of depression. It is difficult to live with an insecure husband or wife, and it can influence your well-being and emotional health. That is why it is critical to understand what and how your spouse feels about you. They could even be grieving a loss. When it comes to feelings like sadness, it’s important to note that there’s not always a direct outside cause. For example, if they live with a depressive disorder, their symptoms are interfering with their ability to function and may be shielding what they are going through. 

A lack of intimacy and love

Sometimes, couples realize a downward trend in the intimacy they show toward each other and start to worry. Many people consider making love the cornerstone of a healthy relationship (for those who experience sexual attraction). A lack of intimacy may not necessarily be due to a lack of love. Stress, self-esteem issues, or another underlying factor can explain the absence of appropriate affection or ability to perform sexually. If, however, you notice a lack of intimacy outside of the bedroom — say, your husband doesn't kiss you on the cheek, stops flirting with you as often, or just seems emotionally distant — then this could be an issue to address.

Another big sign of a lack of intimacy is that he stops telling you he loves you. If he no longer says, "I love you,” then it may be worth discussing your concerns. If he never says it to you, your relationship may need extra tender loving care.

They are not around as often

There are several potential reasons for your partner being absent. If they are opting to spend their limited time outside of the home with friends or out doing activities alone as opposed to spending time with you, it could be indicative that your spouse is simply branching out a bit. They may also be busier with work and other engagements that have nothing to do with their home life. Before worrying too much that he does not love you anymore, sit down with your husband and have a conversation that addresses these issues as early as possible. You can clear up why he is spending time away and ask if there is not something else going on, like tension in the household or simple misunderstandings. These things can be mitigated, especially when dealt with early on. When communication grows too difficult, you always have the option of reaching out for additional support from a couples therapist or counselor.

I love my husband…why doesn't he love me: Questions answered

You may still be asking yourself: Does my husband love me? Again, before falling into the potential trap of thinking he does not love you, remember how important it is to communicate with each other.  A lack of communication can negatively impact a relationship and potentially lead to a separation and may be contributing to how you feel personally. Opening a conversation with “Do you still love me?” is not easy, but to truly understand what is going on, you need to ask.  

If you are scared to initiate the conversation, ask yourself why. Do you not trust your partner? Are you afraid they will make fun of you or get angry at you for confessing your worry? Do you feel like your concerns will go ignored, so you think: Why bother mentioning anything? In this case, therapy may be an important next step.

Beyond communication issues, another reason why some marriages end is due to unrealistic expectations. One common unrealistic expectation is that we will stay the same person forever. Very few of us do that. We all develop new interests and hobbies, change our appearance, and see our priorities alter as we age. If our partner is not happy with our changes (and especially if they do not communicate that unhappiness to us), then this could be another reason why we fall out of love.

Something else that could have happened during the marriage is the realization of incompatibility. While opposites do often attract, coming to terms with the fact that you don’t enjoy many of the same activities or that your personalities frequently clash can lead to arguments and frustration.

Some people get married to make the relationship work because they feel that life will be different the moment they sign their marriage license on the dotted line. This is not necessarily true. Especially if a couple has already been living together, not many changes on an everyday level when you get married.

For some, getting married is nothing more than making things official with a piece of paper that comes with some additional benefits, like immediate family privileges in a hospital and a tax break. Regardless, getting married in and of itself does not negate problems in a relationship, especially in the long term, and some couples are unhappy to discover this.

Why do I feel like my husband doesn’t love me?

You may have the best husband in the world, but if something feels off, trust your intuition. There may be something wrong in the relationship that is causing you to ask yourself “Does my husband love me?” As mentioned previously, your husband, although loving, may be experiencing difficulties in his life that he hasn’t shared with you. Accordingly, he may not be as emotionally available or physically available as he usually would be. 

For example, he could be going through a career shift that has left him extremely busy and living with excessive stress. He could be undergoing grief, anxiety, depression, or something else that leads him to act a little differently than he usually would. None of that means that he does not love you or that he is not husband anymore; it just means that he is struggling. Even with the best husband in the world, relationships will have ups and downs. While your husband may be managing internal challenges, there may be something genuinely straining the relationship. If that’s the case, this also doesn’t mean that your love story is over. You both have a hurdle to work through and you may need additional support, such as marital counseling.

Do people say, “I love you,” when they do not mean it?

Sometimes, people say, “I love you,” when they do not mean it. True love is special, but the monotony tasks of daily living can get in the way sometimes. If you are so caught up in your daily lives that you do not feel the love, you might start questioning whether your husband loves you. 

To help these feelings of doubt, look for the many signs that your husband shows he loves you. One of the clearest signs is his willingness to talk to you about these doubts. When a person loves you, they will want to make you feel loved and comfortable communicating about your relationship. A caring and loving husband would not want you to feel as though you are being left in the dark. Hopefully, he will ask why you feel that way and brainstorm with you to find a way to fix the problem and ensure that you both know that you are loved.  Trust is essential in a relationship. When you do not believe your husband when he says, “I love you,” even after you’ve spoken with one another about it, there is a critical issue to address under the surface.

How can I tell whether they are being truthful when they say, “I love you?”

It’s difficult to tell whether someone is sincere when they tell you they love you. Even if you are the most intuitive person in the world, you simply cannot read minds. However, if you trust your husband, there is no reason not to believe him when he tells you that he loves you. If there’s a reason you don’t trust your husband, you’ll likely want to investigate why that might be. You could talk about these issues with your therapist or have a direct conversation with your husband about your feelings.

It is essential to have an open and honest relationship with your partner so that you can work through any issues you encounter together. Depending on the situation, your husband might love you tremendously and spend hours telling family and friends how much he loves you. When a man is in love, he often shows it in different ways, depending on who he is as a person, and acknowledging these signs is crucial for your mental health and the health of your marriage. He may have no idea that you do not feel loved, and when he finds out you are feeling a lack of love, a loving husband will want to make any changes necessary to rectify the situation.

What should I do if my marriage has lost its spark?

When you are first falling in love, things often feel like magic. You do not have a care in the world, and you are in a euphoric state. Over time, though, the fire dies down a bit in most relationships. Even if you have the best husband in the world, you might be going through a period where you feel like your marriage has lost its spark. If that’s the case, there are things to do to inspire your husband and make sure that you both feel loved and as though things are new again. You can go on dates, find new hobbies to pursue together, or just schedule time to connect alone. After all, there’s nothing more special than quality time with your true love. Kissing him and/or pointing out something about him that you love are both ways of helping him feel appreciated — and may make your husband love more openly, too.

You can also find inspirational love quotes online. These sayings can make you feel empowered and confident in your love. Sometimes it’s hard to find the words inside of you to express your feelings. But throughout history other people have likely expressed the exact sentiments you’re looking to convey. You can search for “husband quotes,” “husband and wife quotes”, “loving my husband quotes,” or simply love quotes. Here are some examples to inspire you:

“Love is of all passions the strongest, for it attacks simultaneously the head, the heart, and the senses.”

-Lao Tzu

“I love you more than words could say.”

“You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.”

-Dr. Seuss

Write him a letter

You may be thinking to yourself: Now's the time to write a love letter to my husband. Maybe that'll fix things. You are on the right track. That's because a letter is one way to express things to your husband that you are worried about that may not come out quite right if you try to say them out loud. Moreover, a letter is a sincere and heartfelt gesture that shows your husband just how much you care about the relationship and how serious you are about helping it flourish.

After he reads the letter, he may reassure you that there is nothing to worry about — that he's just been swamped with work or preoccupied with other concerns, and that he is sincerely sorry he hasn't shown you more affection recently. This communication, whether in letter form or through a discussion, could be the first step toward repairing things. Affection is vital in relationships. Don’t leave a partner to assume —openly displaying your love can make them feel safe and comfortable.

Alternatively, the letter may just give him the courage he needs to come clean about how he's been feeling lately. You may dread approaching the subject because you're afraid that your marriage will end, but the truth is that you deserve to be with someone who loves you.

Find help

If your husband is open to taking steps to repair the relationship, you may want to consider relationship counseling, or a brief period of separation to see if distance can truly make your hearts grow fonder. During that time, you should do things to take care of yourself, like take up a new hobby or go out for a night with your friends. That said, there are times when you may need outside support, and that is not only 100% okay but also a research-backed way to help your relationship.

Do you feel like your husband is falling out of love with you, and you have no idea how to cope with it? You can see a counselor with your spouse for couples therapy, or you can talk with a counselor on your own for one-on-one therapy. Scientific research supports online therapy for couples as shown in this article published in Frontiers in Psychology. According to the study’s authors, couples felt that online therapy was easier than seeing a therapist at their office and they felt more comfortable talking about intimate relationship concerns while sitting in the comfort of their own home. If you feel you alone or the both of you will benefit from couples counseling, consider reaching out to one of the licensed counselors at Regain. They will help you to improve your communication and develop a plan to resolve the challenges happening in your personal life and your marriage. 

Takeaway

When you are worried your husband doesn’t love you anymore, your whole world may be affected, and you may not be able to concentrate on life’s necessary tasks. The first step is to talk to your husband, and when this doesn’t work, do not hesitate to reach for outside support. Whether you see a provider through the Regain platform or meet with a counselor in person, they can help you find a way to best navigate this situation, bring the affection back into your partnership, or move through any other action you decide to take.