Lust Vs. Love: How To Tell The Difference

For many of us, love is both an exciting and potentially puzzling subject. People both in and out of relationships have questions about love, such as wondering how to tell if you're in love, what it means to be in love, and what love actually feels like. As a result, we may sometimes confuse love with lust. We may think we’re head over heels in love with someone, but it is nothing more than lust. 

Love vs. lust

So, how can you tell the difference between lust and love? Keep reading to learn about both of these common feelings.

Let’s start by defining lust and love

Lust, by definition, refers to “intense sexual desire or appetite,” “uncontrolled or illicit sexual desire or appetite,” “a passionate or overmastering desire or craving,” or “ardent enthusiasm” toward something. It’s often used in the context of sexual or aesthetic attraction. Regardless, the thing about lust is that it’s often limited in some way. For example, when it’s lust, you’re probably not interested in potentially having a defined relationship with the person now or in the future. On the flip side, you enjoy casual meetings or sexual encounters with the person.

Love, on the other hand, indicates a stronger bond. There are many different types of love or ways to experience it, and not all are romantic. For example, friend love and familial love are two very real, valuable, and important kinds of love for many of us.

Love refers to deep feelings of affection, while lust is often surface level.

How to tell the difference

With the general definitions of the terms in mind, it can still be challenging to identify what is love and what is lust at times. Here are some things to ask yourself:

What attracts you to them?

Aesthetic attraction doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s lust, nor does sexual attraction. Although not everyone experiences sexual attraction or high levels of it, such as those on the asexual spectrum, sexual and aesthetic attraction can occur in romantic relationships. Often, they do.

However, if it’s love, you’ll experience other forms of attraction toward a person, too. Romantic attraction means that you desire a romantic relationship with someone. Could this person be a partner to you? Are the two of you compatible? Do you want to go on dates and include this person in your life in a romantic way?

Do you want ongoing intimacy?

The APA Dictionary of Psychology defines romantic love as “a type of love in which intimacy and passion are prominent features.” Intimacy, like attraction, isn’t always sexual. 

Do you have a genuine desire to continue growing or establishing intimacy with this person, and does it feel romantic in context? Do you want to connect emotionally, and are they a person that you can see yourself cuddling up with on the couch after a rough day? Of course, these things can exist outside of love, but at the very least, a desire for continued, prolonged intimacy with someone means that it’s something deeper than lust, even if it isn’t completely romantic in context.

Is it conditional? 

If you love someone, you’re more likely to have an unconditional desire to see them happy. Do you want to see them happy, as long as they’re safe, no matter what that means? Do you want to embrace them for who they are and what they want to do, and do you both respect and appreciate their autonomy? If so, it’s a sign of love—and healthy love at that.

Lust might feel a little bit more conditional. 

Do they feel special to you?

Do you get excited to spend time with them? If so, this is an early sign of love. Do you notice things like how their eyes light up when they feel joy? Does their personality make you feel like you struck gold by having met them? If the genuine excitement is there and these things feel true to you, it’s likely more than lust.

Are you compatible?

Asking yourself if you’re truly compatible with someone or not can help you determine if this is a relationship of lust or one of love. It’s not that you can’t fall in love with someone that you’re not compatible with. You can. However, if there are things that you truly feel won’t work out—perhaps they have different views on something very important to you, like having a family—it’s important to address them now rather than later. Even if you’re aesthetically attracted to them or sexually compatible, any differences may be deal-breakers. 

Understanding early emotions

Sometimes, when we’re in the early days of a new relationship, it may be difficult to tell whether it’s love or lust because we’re so interested in the physical aspects and the rose-colored newness of it all that we’re not thinking about where everything is going just yet.

After all, you don’t know much about the other person at the beginning of a relationship. You know what they look like, so you can tell that you’re aesthetically attracted to them. Still, depending on where you are in the relationship, you don’t have all the information about this person, their character, and your compatibility that you’ll probably have at some point in the future—if you continue seeing each other.

We’re more interested in seeing where this new thing takes us as we float along on a cloud of ecstasy, and actually, that’s okay. Early on, you may start to notice budding emotional and romantic attraction. Still, for the most part, the key to navigating and understanding early emotions is to enjoy the process of getting to know the person.

Don’t rush things along. Instead, ask them questions, spend a reasonable amount of quality time together, and progressively, as time goes on, open up to each other. Talk about the things that will or will not make you compatible long-term and decide where to go from there. If the relationship is healthy (we’ll get to that in just a second) and you enjoy spending time with this person, that’s what matters.

Love, lust, or run

This is not the time to discuss Love, Lust, or Run, the reality show on the TLC network hosted by fashion consultant Stacy London. Instead, we’re going to be looking at some signs for when to end a relationship before it even really starts.

Unfortunately, if you’re involved in the world of dating or are ready to start looking for a partner, it’s important to recognize red flags and warning signs.

In the media, ideas about love and romance can sometimes make us believe that fast-moving, butterfly-inducing, dramatic relationships are what love is. This can mean that we miss red flags that are signs we should be cautious about pursuing a relationship.

Here are some things to look out for:

• Instant intensity. It’s great to do kind things for someone you like, but if they’re saying “I love you,” showering you with gifts, gushing over how perfect you are, and introducing you to their parents a few weeks in, it’s likely love-bombing.
• Overbearing or controlling behavior. You should feel and be autonomous in a healthy, loving relationship. Do they restrict what you do or who you see? No matter when this starts in a relationship, it is never okay.
• Constant criticism. If they make you feel like everything about who you are and every move you make is wrong, or they insinuate that you are not good enough through criticism and snide remarks, this is a major problem. Sometimes, a person will go back-and-forth between this and love bombing to confuse someone and keep them around.
• Risky activity. If a partner is doing something risky or illegal, it could jeopardize both their safety and yours.

These aren't the only red flags that might exist. Lying and name-calling are two other examples of behaviors to look out for, but once again, they’re not the only ones. Listen to your gut. If something seems off, it probably is. Note that some items on this list may be indicative of an abusive relationship.

If you or a loved one is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7.

Get dating support in online therapy

Relationships all differ from one another in nature, and they’re not always easy. If you’re facing concerns related to dating, love, life stress, love hangover, or anything else that’s on your mind, finding support in the form of a licensed professional counselor or therapist can help.

To find a local therapist who works in an office or counseling center near you, you can ask your doctor to give you a referral, search online, or use an online directory that lets you search by zip code and other factors. You can also use a reliable online therapy platform like Regain. The providers at Regain offer individual and couples therapy, so regardless of which one you’re looking for, someone at Regain can help. To get started, all that you have to do is fill out a quick questionnaire and sign up. 

Many individuals have found online therapy to be helpful in sorting through confusing feelings. Working with a therapist online can be just as effective as working with a therapist in person. In some cases, it may be more effective, as many people are more comfortable talking about their issues through a screen.

Takeaway

No matter how you decide to pursue support, you deserve quality care and healthy, loving partnerships.