Signs You Are Not Over Your Lost Love

Many people have someone they consider their "lost love"— a person they were sure they would be with forever. When the life they imagined with this person is gone, it can be challenging to cope with the emotions of grief, sadness, and despair that may arise. For most, the passage of time helps them heal, but for others, that pain seems more difficult to get rid of. Just when it seems they’ve gotten over their lost love, those feelings may come flooding back in, signaling that they were never really over them at all. If you’re questioning whether you're over your lost love, keep an eye out for the following signs contained within this article.

You avoid things that remind you of them

Do you turn off the radio when their favorite song comes on? Avoid a parking spot because the car next to yours looks too much like theirs? Going out of your way to avoid anything that reminds you of your lost love could be a sign that you are not over them. Being able to draw a clear line between the person you loved and the things they loved can be an important step in the process of healing. If everything still seems too blurred to handle, you may still be in love.

You dream of them

The more someone runs through your conscious (or subconscious) thoughts, the more likely they are to show up in your dreams. The meaning of dreams is still unclear in many ways, but sometimes, they can be telling. Dreams that put you and your lost love in a situation where you can't speak to one another or hear one another may be particularly important to pay attention to. This might mean you feel that something has been left unsaid or unfinished.

Likewise, dreams in which you and your lost love are being intimate in any way could be trying to tell you that you are still yearning for your relationship. It is normal to dream about people who have been important to us throughout our lives, but if it seems like night after night, your lost love lingers emotionally, it could signal that something bigger is at play.

You still get jealous

Does the thought of your lost love meeting someone else make you hurt or angry? Is your gut reaction jealousy when you see them happy without you, no matter how much time has passed? If so, you might be feeling this way because you still have feelings for them. While you might be convinced you only have their wellbeing at heart, you may be subconsciously concerned with what you have lost. After any breakup or separation, it can be normal to feel a few twinges of jealousy now and again. Still, if these feelings do not get any easier to cope with, you may not be over this person.

You haven’t made changes

If nothing about you has changed since you were with your lost love, it could signal that you haven’t moved on yet. Do you find yourself listening to the same music that you liked when you were together? Do you frequent the places you two used to go as a couple? Do you dress a certain way still because your lost love liked that style? An important part of getting over someone you loved can be recognizing who you were when you were with them and deciding who you want to be now. For many people, a physical change in themselves or the space around them can be a helpful place to start. If you are going out of your way to keep everything exactly as it was when your lost love was in your life, you might be holding on too tightly to the past.

You imagine your life together

Do you still think about what it would be like to be married to this person? Do you have romantic daydreams about what you would be doing if you were still together? If the story in your head always seems to come back to your lost love, your brain may be having trouble letting go of them. Not only can this be draining and discouraging, but if all your mental energy is going someone who is no longer a possibility, you could miss the chance to notice someone new that you are meant to be with.

You still have all their stuff

Is their sweater still hanging in your closet? Are you hanging on to their old junk? While it can be normal to keep a few mementos from any relationship, if you cannot find it in you to get rid of the things you do not need, you might be trying to hold on to any part of your lost love that you can. After a relationship ends, it can be healthy to purge all unnecessary reminders of your ex to mark a new beginning. The longer you hold on to things that are simply taking up space, the longer it may take you to move on.

You stalk them online

Are you friends with your lost love on social media? Or are you not friends with your lost love on social media, yet still know their every move? It can be natural to stay connected to your lost love on some level, and the internet can be an effective tool to make that happen. Still, if you are going out of your way to stay in their life, especially without them knowing, it’s likely you aren’t over them yet. 

Internet stalking can have serious personal and social consequences, not to mention legal ones if your behavior is excessive and becomes public. If you cannot get through your day without having to check in on this person, you could be approaching a dangerous zone for your mental health.

You make decisions based on their likes

Do you dress in a way that would appeal to your lost love if you saw them? Do you make career moves or financial decisions based on what they would admire? If you are trying to live your life in a way that would impress your lost love if you ran into them unexpectedly, you may not really be living for yourself. In fact, you might be so wrapped up in their opinions and ideas that you are losing yourself in the process. When two people love each other, the lines naturally blur between them over time, but if the person you love has been out of your life for a while, it is probably past time to find yourself again.

You rearrange your life

Have you moved someplace far away to avoid your lost love? Do you purposefully drive a different route to work to not have to see them or something that reminds you of them? If you are forced to change something about your routine because any reminder of this person is distressing for you, it can be crucial to find out why. While it can be normal to shake things up to avoid unnecessary hurt in the early days of separation, the longer you bend the rules to avoid someone, the more you may reinforce how painful their absence is from your life.

You keep their friends and family close

Are you still meeting up with your lost love's mom for lunch? Do you go out of your way to hang out with their friends when they are not around? You might be keeping these people in your life to have a taste of your lost love at a safe distance. If this is the case, it might be time to ask yourself how staying around these people is helping you. You might come to see that their presence is only fueling the hurt you feel from this person no longer being yours.

Your new partner is basically them

Look at your new love interest. Do they look remarkably like your lost love? Do they act the same way? If so, you might be trying to replace your lost love with someone who is simply a substitute and even a rebound. If you move on to someone new, it can be important to make sure this person is someone you genuinely like, are attracted to, and want to get to know on a deeper level. It's not fair to a new romantic interest to keep them around because they remind you of someone else. While it can be okay to have a "type" or stick to certain physical preferences, if this person is a mirror image of the love you lost, it could mean that you aren’t over them quite yet. Further, not only are you still hurting, but you could be dragging another unsuspecting person into your pain by starting a new romantic relationship with them.

Online counseling with Regain

Holding onto the past can keep you from living the life that’s meant for you. If you’re having trouble of letting go of someone who’s no longer in your life, professional intervention may be appropriate. Regain is an online therapy platform that allows you to connect with a therapist from the comfort of your home. Living in the past can cause mental health disorders like depression to develop, which can make it difficult to leave the house. With online therapy, you can still find the support you need by talking to a therapist using phone calls, video chats, or in-app messaging. A therapist can mindfully walk you through the process of losing someone who meant a lot to you and help you get started on a path to a brand-new future.

The efficacy of online counseling 

The grief of losing someone you loved can take a toll on your mental health, even leading to conditions like depression. Online counseling has been shown to be a successful treatment option for a variety of psychiatric disorders, including depression. In a comparative review of 17 different studies, researchers found that online cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) was just as effective as face-to-face therapy in treating symptoms of depression. CBT is a type of talk therapy that teaches people how to challenge their unhelpful thoughts and replace them with more productive thinking patterns. 

Counselor reviews

“Sessions with Natalie are very insightful and give practical advice on implementing new habits and changes. Be prepared to engage and be challenged to think in a different way. I know that my partner and I can already see improvements in our relationship and feel more positive about working through our issues together.”

“Austa has been wonderful thus far. She has helped my partner and I during an unimaginably difficult time... She has also guided us in communicating effectively and setting appropriate boundaries in our relationship. I was hesitant to pursue counseling at the beginning, but I truly believe that it is making a difference for our relationship. Austa is easy to talk to and she is a great listener. I would wholeheartedly recommend her as a counselor.”

Takeaway

All lost love can be hard in its own way. Expecting yourself to get over what you’ve lost right away may not be fair. Instead, give yourself time to process your feelings and heal from the hurt you’ve experienced. It may take longer than you’d like it to, but eventually, your efforts toward healing can add up and allow you to finally feel at peace. Online counseling can be particularly beneficial if your lost love has led to depression, anxiety, or feelings of hopelessness.