What Can You Do About Love And Sex? Exploring Love, Intimacy, And Sexual Desire

Love, sex, and romance: for most couples, these are the pillars of a rewarding relationship. 

A loving relationship can be one of the most meaningful life experiences. Yet like many great things, cultivating a healthy romance – and a mutually fulfilling sex life – requires time and communication from everyone involved.

Conversations about sex and love can be fun and exciting. Yet in some cases, you might find it awkward or uncomfortable to address these subjects with a new fling or even a long-time partner, depending on your personal history and comfort levels. 

If you’re eager to improve your love and sex life but unsure where to start, the following six strategies can help you explore new dimensions of love and initiate thoughtful conversations about sex and intimacy.

Why should you talk about sex and love with your partner?

If you’re uncomfortable talking about sex with your partner (or anyone, for that matter), you’re not alone. From childhood onward, many people receive limited or inaccurate education on sex, intimacy, and other aspects of healthy adult relationships. 

As an adult, you may struggle to communicate your needs and fears in the realm of physical intimacy. If and when you enter a relationship, you may encounter new, unexpected challenges with sex, such as mismatched sex drives and performance anxiety.

Not everyone faces these challenges, but many couples find that actively talking about sex creates a foundation of honesty, openness, and emotional vulnerability, should any issues arise. By addressing an especially vulnerable topic like sex, you can connect with your partner on a deeper level and learn to communicate in ways that will likely benefit other areas of your life.

The difference between sex and love

Ultimately, you get to define the difference between sex and love. For some people, love and sex go hand in hand, while others are able to separate sexual acts from the emotional involvement of love. Sex with a trusted partner can be a deeply connective experience, but some people may prefer the ease and low-stakes nature of casual sex.

However, you approach the distinction between sex and love, and communicate clearly about your intentions and personal approach to physical intimacy. Other people share different views of sex and love, and it’s important to honor their perspectives and needs in addition to your own.

What can you do about love and sex? Six tips for fostering intimacy 

If you’re trying to boost your love life, talking about sex and love is the first step. From there, it’s time to put words into action with these six therapist-approved strategies, which can enrich your love life with more intimacy and romance.

1. Take your time to build intimacy

When it comes to both sex and romance, time is a key component. Slowing down and making time for intimacy is key to a healthy relationship, as well as your mental health. 

If you’re struggling to find time for sex and other forms of physical intimacy with your partner, experts recommend scheduling time for sex. At first glance, creating a schedule may seem too rigid or even unromantic. Yet by physically (or digitally) creating space for sex and intimacy in your calendar, sex becomes a priority and something to look forward to – not just a passing thought.

After confirming the date in your calendar, make sure to give yourself time to get comfortable and potentially try new things with your partner, in addition to familiar forms of affection. Whether you’re casually dating or in a long-term partnership, a slow-paced, gentle environment is typically best for both people, especially if you encounter any intimacy issues along the way. 

2. Expand your definition of intimacy beyond sexual desire

In addition to sex and other forms of physical connection, there are various other forms of intimacy. Emotional, intellectual, platonic, and even spiritual intimacy can all play a role in your romantic relationship, depending on your individual needs and temperaments. 

Certain forms of non-sexual physical touch like hugging and handholding can reinforce these alternative forms of intimacy, especially if you integrate touch while engaging in a meaningful conversation or activity with your partner. By holding their hand during a tough talk or hugging them after a long day, you can strengthen your bond and create an environment of safety and affection.

Ultimately, sex is not the only part of an intimate, romantic relationship. For some couples, sex may represent only a small fraction of the connection they build with each other. 

3. Do something special to foster intimacy 

After a long day or taxing week, you may find it hard to muster the energy and excitement to go on a date or get intimate with your partner. On these days, tapping into the power of surprise can spark the right mood, even when life seems to be getting in the way of intimacy. Some simple ideas include: 

• Wearing something that makes you feel especially confident or beautiful, like a special shirt or lingerie, and surprising your partner with your outfit.
• Planning a spontaneous outing or nostalgic date, like going to the restaurant where you first met. 
• Making a delicious meal to share together.
• Surprise your partner (or the person you’re dating) with a small gift.

The element of surprise is a powerful one. Over time, these little sparks keep a relationship alive and vibrant, even during busier seasons of life. 

4. Discuss your needs 

Depending on a person’s love language, libido, and other factors, needs can vary dramatically between partners in a romantic relationship. 

In an ongoing sexual relationship, two people may express different needs for sex and intimacy. Some people may desire more or less sex than others, and that’s perfectly okay: the key is to continue checking in about these needs over time.

In a long-term partnership or sexual relationship, you may need certain environmental factors to feel relaxed and sensual: for example, prefacing intimacy with a nice dinner, cuddling, or a favorite movie. 

Express these needs with the people you’re dating and ask them to share their preferences, too. When each person feels seen and heard, intimacy becomes more attainable and enjoyable for everyone involved.

5. Prioritize relaxation

Stress, anxiety, and other challenging emotions can show up in all areas of life: especially in the realms of sex and love, where we may feel especially vulnerable. If anxiety is preventing you from fully connecting with romantic partners, identify your primary methods of relaxation and schedule them in your calendar: just like you would a date, an important test, or a family trip. 

Everyone deserves the chance to recharge, even if “recharging” looks like a series of five- to 10-minute breaks interspersed throughout your workday. Deep breathing exercises, yoga, a gentle walk, or just watching a funny video clip can all offer feelings of peace, calm, and temporary relief from stress. 

If you’re in a romantic relationship, consider trying relaxation techniques with your partner: for example, doing a guided meditation together, attending a yoga class, or playing a lighthearted game before having sex. Many relaxation activities are simple and brief, but they can have a powerful effect on your sense of calm and comfort in a romantic relationship.

6. See a couples therapist

While you can apply many of these strategies on your own or with a partner, many people consult a licensed therapist for added accountability and expertise.

Some people prefer traditional, in-person therapy, but a growing number of couples and individuals seek online therapy to deepen their relationships and improve their mental health. Using a digital platform like Regain, you can connect with a therapist after completing a brief questionnaire. Each Regain therapist has at least three years of professional experience, and many help clients develop personalized strategies to enhance their love lives and overall confidence.

Several studies show that online therapy can be just as effective as in-person options, including a 2021 study of marriage and family therapists (MFTs) and their ability to form strong alliances with patients in online settings. Based on their records, the researchers concluded that online therapy is similar to in-person therapy with several key benefits, including cost-effectiveness and accessibility. In one study referenced in the paper, researchers found that some couples are more likely to address intimacy issues, infidelity, and other sensitive topics in online settings. In these cases, digital therapy may offer a sense of physical distance that encourages couples to process especially difficult emotions and subjects.

Takeaway 

Whether you’re in a committed relationship or exploring the world of casual dating, you get to define love, sex, and intimacy on your own terms. This process can be equally exciting and overwhelming, which is why many individuals and couples enlist the support of a licensed therapist.

With the expertise of a mental health professional, you can apply these strategies to your love life or long-term partnership. Discussing your desires with a romantic partner – while honoring their needs and wishes, of course – is essential for a healthy intimate relationship. With time, patience, and vulnerability, these conversations can leave you feeling more fulfilled and connected to your romantic partner.