What To Do When The Love Is Gone

In the beginning of your relationship, you may idealize your partner, and it may seem like everything your significant other does is amazing. However, after the “new relationship energy” and intense passion begins to dwindle, you might find yourself asking if the love is gone and what you can do about it.

If you are wondering what to do when they are losing interest in you (or vice versa), you might want to read the advice in this article. 

How do you know when love has faded? 

Keep in mind that relationships often ebb and flow through different stages of love. Not every challenging point in the relationship means it is necessarily the end. Almost all couples go through phases, like the 3-year itch, where both partners feel less connected than they used to. 

You might be asking yourself when you should leave a relationship. This can happen for many reasons, including stress, illness, work, and day-to-day obligations - all these can push you to ask yourself, "How can I revive my love life?" - but time tends to bring the relationship back together. However, sometimes, it may take more effort to get things back on track, so you might be wondering how disconnected couples reconnect. And sometimes, the relationship may have run its course. If you are unsure whether the love is gone in your relationship or skeptical about when is the right time to call off a potential relationship, below are some telling signs that you may need to work together to fix things or decide whether you want to continue the relationship.

• You are indifferent

When the love is gone, and you don't want to be in a relationship anymore, it may be more difficult to stay interested in what your partner is doing or who they are. If you hardly know anything about their job, what they do in their free time, or their current likes and dislikes, and you aren’t interested in being a part of their life, it is possible you may no longer be interested in staying in the relationship. Relationships take effort to stay connected, and it takes ongoing work to avoid having a lost marriage. People may change over time, and that is perfectly natural, but sometimes people grow apart. A love avoidant may be present if you no longer feel enthusiastic about your spouse or their hobbies. Your relationship with your partner may turn into a platonic relationship if not indifference.

• You only see the bad

When love is new and exciting and we’re in the honeymoon stage of the relationship, we may tend to idealize our partner and ignore their flaws. With time, we may reach a love stage in our relationship where our partner becomes a real individual, flaws and all. If you begin to dislike things about your partner, or it seems like every good characteristic they had when you first met is gone, there’s a chance the love is gone too. They may have changed into someone you did not fall in love with, or you may have changed and want something different.

• You live separate lives

One sign that can tell when is a marriage over when you two live separate lives. Do you sleep in separate beds? Spend your downtime in different rooms? Go on trips or vacations without one another? These are possible signs the love may have faded out, especially if there are no attempts at intimacy in your relationship. Although every relationship goes through periods where partners need their space or may not be as connected, a relationship where partners spend almost no time together or don't enjoy spending time together may have run its course or need quite a bit of improvement.

• The temptation to cheat exists (or you have already done so)

While it’s possible to love someone and still be attracted to others, if you are constantly wondering what a love life with someone else would feel like, there is someone else you think about often, you're married but in love with someone else, or you have an emotional and/or physical relationship with another person, the love may be gone from your current relationship. Cheating is usually a red flag that the love is gone and the relationship is over, you are disconnected from your partner, or there is another underlying issue, either personally or within the relationship. Cheating can be a major betrayal in relationships and will likely damage your partner’s trust. If you’re seeking emotional or physical intimacy outside of your relationship, it may be that your needs are not being met. If this is the case, it can be beneficial to sit down with your partner and have an open and honest conversation so you can try to improve your relationship and better connect with one another.

When the love is gone, but you want to fix things

If there seem to be signs that the love may be gone, but you are not ready to give up, there are many things you may be able to do to get it back and save your relationship. However, it may take some effort to work through the situation. Here are a few things you can try to reignite the flame so you could reconnect with your husband, wife, or loved one:

• Communicate

 One of the most important things you can do to save your relationship is tell your partner about your feelings. If they treat you differently in such a manner that you may say, "I feel like a piece of meat," it could be due to a lack of communication. You might learn that they, too, feel the relationship slipping away. Try to be honest with whatever difficulties you are dealing with your partner like if there's a behavior that is hard to love and you want him or her to change that. When you have an open and honest conversation with your significant other, it may help to try to find a common goal that you both feel could save things. Maybe you will agree to spend more time together, be more intimate, or make more of an effort to show respect and appreciation to one another. Honesty is important during this conversation, even if it seems difficult. After all, love and lies shouldn't mesh together if you want your relationship to work.

• Start over

If you feel like, "My wife doesn't love me anymore," or “I hate my wife,” it must be time to re-learn how to love someone again other than yourself, as you may have forgotten the love for each other. If you want to reignite the spark in your relationship and have the questions to fall in love again, it may be helpful to think about what your relationship was like when you first started dating. In what situations did you find yourself falling for your partner? Did you travel a lot together? Did you have a certain hobby you enjoyed doing together? Once you discover what you were doing when you were at your best, you can try to recapture those good times from the early relationship. One of the easier ways to do this is to recreate your first or best dates together. By putting yourself in the shoes of your past self, you might unlock feelings you forgot you had.

• Write love letters

Sometimes in a long-term relationship, it may seem difficult to connect with your partner. Daily responsibilities and stressors can often get in the way. In a relationship that may need some support, sitting down face to face to talk can sometimes turn into conflict or arguments. Instead of saving your thoughts for unpredictable in-person conversations, writing love letters would be one of the most helpful things you can do to express yourself better.

Writing your partner a love letter can be a fun and easy way to spend time thinking about them and expressing your feelings. They can be especially rewarding when both parties write to each other. Even if you decide to keep the letter for yourself, journaling has been shown to be beneficial for your mental health and an effective way to express your feelings and analyze them. Writing down how you feel may bring clarity to the situation at hand and help you better understand any conflicts you may have within your relationship. Try to learn how to write a love letter if you have the time.

• Go on a couples retreat

Think of a couple’s retreat as a vacation, but with more opportunity to grow as an individual and as a couple.  These romantic escapes offer opportunities to work on skills that create strong, healthy relationships, like conflict management, communication, and intimacy. During these retreats, you will often get personalized attention from a relationship expert and enjoy activities that help you and your partner bond, like hiking, sailing, or whale watching, depending on the location. Leaving everyday life behind can re-energize a tired relationship. The ability to focus on one another in a place that inspires romance can potentially open new doors as well. A strong commitment of unconditional love serves as the foundation of a marriage, and romance in marriage can be a representation of that love.

• Try relationship counseling

No matter how satisfied you are with your relationship, working with a relationship therapist can be beneficial. These experts know how to identify a broken relationship and will help you improve your relationship with your partner. Relationship counseling can provide tools, strategies, and guidance that can help you rebuild the foundation of your relationship and improve it. A licensed therapist may be able to help improve vital aspects of your relationship, like communication and intimacy. They can teach you healthier ways to resolve differences and facilitate a better understanding between the two of you.

If work and personal life make visiting a therapist's office every week difficult, or if therapy poses a financial barrier, there’s an alternative to in-person therapy you might want to consider. With flexible online therapy platforms like Regain, you can connect with a licensed couple’s therapist from almost anywhere. Regain matches you with a licensed therapist who best suits your needs, so you can get to work identifying and addressing relationship concerns and strengthen your bond. 

When the love is gone, and you do not want to fix things

There may be many reasons why you do not want to fix things, especially when you're feeling trapped and when the love is gone in your relationship. Perhaps you and your partner agree it is for the best to go your separate ways, or the current state of your relationship may be too hard on you mentally or emotionally. A couple breaking up is not always a bad thing, sometimes it's exactly what they need to attain peace individually. No matter your reasons, there is usually a right way to go about in-house separation.

Takeaway

Many relationships experience lulls that leave them wondering if the love has left their relationship behind. If you’ve identified that you no longer feel emotionally intimate, passionate, interested, or enthusiastic about your relationship, you’ll have some choices to make. 

You could invest time and energy to improve your communication, rekindle your passion, and work with an online couple’s therapist to identify ways to strengthen your bond. Alternatively, you might decide that your relationship has reached its natural conclusion, and you could decide to end it and move on.