"Why Do You Love Me?": Reasons To Love Someone
In many relationships, one partner may be curious about what makes the other love them. If your partner asks, “Why do you love me?” it may be helpful to think about what you want to say. Read on to explore why people fall in love with their partners and how therapy can help you learn healthy, effective ways to express your feelings.
What does it mean to love someone?
In general, humans fall in love as an evolutionary response to ensure the continuation of the species. Humans are social creatures, and we form emotional attachments for support, a sense of belonging, and the biological drive to care for and protect loved ones. Psychologist John Bowlby developed attachment theory to explain how humans develop lifelong methods for forming attachments to others during infancy and childhood, primarily based on the type of care they receive.
What love does to your brain
During the early stages of a relationship, your brain releases large amounts of oxytocin, a neurochemical related to the pleasure and reward centers. Studies show that the brains of couples in a new relationship produce significantly more oxytocin than those without a romantic partner. The neurochemical is often called the "love hormone" because it creates positive feelings and makes you crave more time close to your partner. That fuzzy feeling, combined with hoping for more, helps deepen romantic bonds. This might lead you to wanting to ask your partner, "why do you love me?" just to hear their answer.
How oxytocin shapes how your partner feels
- Sexual activity increases oxytocin production, leading to further positive associations with your partner.
- Oxytocin can inspire loyalty in relationships.
- Sperm motility improves with oxytocin.
Reasons to love someone
Listing every reason one person could love another is only possible if you talk to everyone worldwide. Sometimes, you fall in love because you share so many common interests, from hobbies to values. However, some common themes appear among those asked to explain why they love their partners.
Their love and understanding
It’s easy to fall in love with someone who treats you well. They make you feel like you’re only yours and no one else matters in the same way. If your partner considers your thoughts, feelings, and how their words or actions will affect you, that's a solid reason to develop romantic feelings that grow into love. Many people who have been in previous relationships where they were poorly treated may need time to adjust to and trust being treated with love and kindness. When you’ve had difficult experiences, your partner’s kindness can make things turn upside down, bringing positivity into your life. It may be helpful to ask them, "why do you love me?" and hear their honest answer of all the things you bring to their life.
Their attentiveness
Many people are attracted to kindness in others, and you may develop romantic feelings for someone who you frequently see treating people well. When they treat others with kindness, it can make you feel like your partner is your entire world. You may appreciate how they care for the people around them, especially if you have children together and they are a loving, attentive parent. Your partner will likely enjoy hearing about the facets of themselves that draw you to them—and knowing you value their kindness could help when they’re having a day they feel less-than-generous. Their noble qualities, like kindness and generosity, are the reasons you appreciate them so much.
Their sense of humor
Many people value a sense of humor in a partner, so it’s not surprising that you might love to make them laugh because the sound is music to you. Sometimes, their cute little lame jokes are what make you fall in love with their sense of humor even more. Laughter means you’re having a good time and helps you form positive mental associations connected to your partner. Even their lame jokes can bring a smile to your face because of the joy they bring. Their laughter might even give you that familiar fuzzy feeling that reminds you why you love them. Sharing laughter can increase the noble qualities, emotional connection, and kindness felt within a relationship.
Researchers at the Mayo Clinic suggest that laughter can be an effective form of stress relief and a mood booster. If your partner frequently laughs and makes you laugh, it can inspire romantic feelings because your brain associates them with stress relief and pleasant emotions. Their laugh might even make them sound young and carefree, adding to their charm.
Their kindness
Is just being in your partner’s presence enough to make you feel better? Do they “recharge your batteries” in a way no one else can? Perhaps their sunny outlook on life helps you persevere on your most challenging days. It can be easy to love someone’s view of the world and their place in it, even if you don’t necessarily share the same ideas.
Their communication skills
Effective communication skills may allow your partner to express their thoughts and feelings clearly, making it easier to share yours. Good communication can make you feel like your partner isn't only person who truly understands you-they won't make you feel alone in your situation. They may help you navigate conflicts as a couple and help you develop a stronger sense of emotional intimacy and literacy so you can better understand and express your feelings. Open, honest communication is often at the heart of successful relationships and may help both of you avoid misunderstandings and hurt feelings. This communication strengthens your emotional connection and makes the bond deeper.
“Aspects of communication drive relationship satisfaction, and relationship satisfaction sets the stage for more constructive communication and conflict resolution. Conversely, relationship satisfaction could stabilize relationships, allowing couples to experience a greater proportion of negative communications because overall satisfaction might render the relationship more resilient to internally-generated stressors.” — Grant Hilary Brenner MD, DFAPA
Their generosity
Is your partner the kind of person who would give the shirt off their back to someone in need? Do they go out of their way to make life easier for you or act in other selfless ways that show they care? Feeling loved and cared for is a common reason to love someone. Your partner’s kindness and support may even inspire you to become a better person.
Their intelligence
Many people fall in love with someone who has a brilliant mind and can engage them in intellectually stimulating conversation. You may be drawn to the way their minds work or enjoy seeing how they work through problems to find practical solutions. Studies show that many people are attracted to intelligence.
Their story-telling abilities
Human beings have always been drawn to narratives. According to recent data, our brains undergo a phenomenon called “narrative transportation” when we hear a story that engages enough of our senses that we can almost feel the sensations described. If your partner tells a fantastic story, you may fall in love with listening to them talk and experiencing what happened through their eyes. You might also love talking to them about anything, knowing that they can make even the simplest conversations enjoyable.
Their unconventional personality
Is your partner a free spirit with a unique view of the world that you adore? Perhaps you fell in love because they are so unlike anyone else you've ever known, and you like glimpsing the world through their eyes, particularly if their outlook is vastly different from yours.
Their confidence
Research shows that many people are attracted to confidence. You may find it a lovable quality if your partner is confident and secure in who and how they are. Confidence can inspire a sense of security and stability you can depend upon reliably.
Their protectiveness
It's easy to see how someone could fall in love when they feel safe with and loved by their partner. When your partner makes you feel secure, it can feel like they are your whole entire world. If your partner provides a sense of safety and security in the relationship, it could make falling in love feel simple and natural. With them, you may experience true happiness like you’ve never felt before. Feeling safe can also make you feel affection even more deeply for your partner. Their comfort can make your tears disappear after a tough day.
How to express your love
If you know you love your partner but don’t know how to put that love into words, it can be difficult to know how to respond when they say, “Why do you love me?”
It may be helpful to first try to explain that while you struggle with talking about your feelings, you are certain you love them. You can also try some of these:
- I am still learning the things I love about you.
- There are so many unique things about you I don't know where to start.
- I may not be good with words, but I know I’m lucky to have you in my life.
- I love you every second of every day.
- I love the little things that make you who you are.
- I love who I am with you.
Many people struggle to express their feelings, particularly if they weren’t raised in an emotionally expressive or supportive environment. So, if you need help recognizing, understanding, and sharing your emotions, you're certainly not the only one. You may benefit from attending therapy, where you can learn to identify, process, and express your feelings with the support and guidance of a mental health professional.
How therapy can help you communicate with your partner
If you have difficulty expressing your thoughts and feelings, consider working with a licensed therapist online through a virtual therapy platform focused on relationship issues like Regain.
Discussing reasons to love someone in online therapy
Therapy can help you identify and understand your emotions while developing coping skills to manage stress and learning communication techniques to express your thoughts and feelings to your partner. It can also teach you how to effectively handle venting feelings without overwhelming your partner.
The effectiveness of online therapy
According to recent research, there’s no substantial difference between the outcomes of in-person and online psychotherapy. Virtual therapy tends to be less expensive and involves shorter wait times. Many patients have said the unmatched convenience of attending from home made it possible to participate more reliably.
Takeaway
There’s a good chance that at some point in your relationship, your partner will ask you to explain the reasons you love them. Many people have trouble putting their feelings into words. The information presented in this article explores several reasons people can fall in love with someone and how online therapy can help you learn to express your emotions.
Frequently asked questions (FAQs)
What do you say when your partner asks about the reasons you love them?
When a partner questions their value in your eyes — out of insecurity or even curiosity — it is always best to answer honestly. The things that make us love our partners are the things that drew us to them initially, or what draws us to them still; they are what make our significant others distinctive, unique, admirable, and attractive. Think of every good attribute your partner has, and that set of qualities is likely to be your answer: they are funny, kind, charismatic, beautiful, patient, intelligent, or any combination thereof. While it can be hard to put something that is as powerful, elemental, or even unconditional as love into words, everyone deserves to know not only that they matter to their loved ones, but why they matter.
Knowing the answer to this question is not just good for making your partner feel appreciated — it also helps you. Think about why you feel the way you feel, even if you are alone and no one is asking. It can help you recognize and articulate your own feelings, and it can be an effective aid for you to keep the relationship strong. If you think about why you love your partner, you may be more likely to show it, which can be healthy for the partnership and make the person you love feel good. It can also make you less likely to start taking things for granted, which is positive.
What are the signs that a couple is not in love?
Real displays of love and affection vary from person to person, which is something to keep in mind. We don’t all show these things in the same way, and that’s okay. Some things that could indicate a lack of love or a non-reciprocal relationship include, but aren’t limited to, being with someone out of loneliness rather than affection or compatibility, rushing into things without getting to know each other, or only feeling like you know one another on a surface level.
What are the 3 main qualities of love?
Some psychologists employ a triangular theory of love that imagines three qualities of love — passion, intimacy, and commitment — as characteristics that distinguish different types of love from one another. Consummate love, which is typically what we envision in a healthy, long-term romantic relationship, consists of all three characteristics and is often a standard that couples strive towards.
What can I say instead of “I love you”?
There are tons of alternatives to “I love you,” whether you would like to tell your partner how much they mean to you without resorting to stale clichés, or you are just not sure you are ready to say the ever-intimidating “L word” just yet.
It can be as simple as an unprompted reminder that you were thinking of them: shooting them a text to tell them that something funny that happened at work reminded you of them, sending them articles you think they might want to read, sending a sweet “good morning” text, or simply letting them know in plain terms how much they mean to you. You might even reword “I love you” into something new (e.g., “You are so deeply special to me,” “I love the way you think,” or “I feel lucky to be around you”) to change it up.
People who feel love and strong affection may say things like:
- I missed you.
- I’m thinking of you.
- How are you feeling?
- How was your day?
- I like your new outfit/haircut/hairstyle
- I’m going to the store. Do you want anything?
- How is your family doing?
Thoughtful actions can be another powerful reminder that they matter to you and that they belong in your life without you even having to open your mouth. An unprompted gift, an effort to learn about something they love, or an offer to spend time with them when you know they really need it can all send the message that they’re valued.
Why do I love my partner so much?
Beyond hormones, primal desire, or whatever else you want to chalk it up to, the chances are that you love your partner for more than one reason or trait. The time you two spend together may make you feel absolutely joyful, like you are the luckiest person in the world, and they might take the time or put in the effort to make you feel like you matter. They might be a figure worthy of fixation; they’re kind, outgoing, funny, or intelligent in a way that makes them stand out from other people you have met before, and therefore they’re nestled into a special place in your heart.
While it is hard to pinpoint which comes first — whether you love them because of all of these things, or if all of these things are so great because you love them — it is clear that this complex web of explanations makes your love for them something that is quite difficult to explain in words. You love them because you do, and even you don’t really understand all of the reasons behind it. It’s because they are who they are, and you are who you are. Love somehow naturally follows. It’s part of why authenticity matters when seeking a partner, and it’s a beautiful thing.
Is jealousy a sign of love?
Jealousy is a complicated but natural feeling in a relationship. It can be harmless if it is occasional and dealt with rationally, but it would be misguided to call it a sign of love. Jealousy, much of the time, has a lot more to do with our own insecurities and preoccupations than with the quality of our love. Love is based on mutual trust and a desire to see your partner happy — and jealousy can obstruct both of these things. It’s best to talk it out if one, or both, of you feel jealous. I want you to understand that I am here, and I love you.” Therapy may also be advantageous if it’s an ongoing concern.
How do you know you love someone?
Love can look different for everyone, but you may know that you are in love when you are not only infatuated with them, but you have a deep interpersonal bond. When you are in love, you will likely want to direct all your attention towards the object of your affection and get their attention in return, but you will also want to understand them and empathize with them; you will trust them and want to see them happy. Many of the old clichés are true — they will often be the person you look for in a room full of people, or the person you think about as you go to bed or wake up every single day.
What does real love look like?
In order to answer this question, let’s look at the 4 phases of love.
- The infamous honeymoon phase, when it seems like your partner is the perfect match and they have no flaws. You feel so in love that it is almost like you need them.
- Then comes the crisis, or the first big fight. All the flaws that you did not pay attention to before now seem so glaringly obvious that you cannot focus on anything else. You may experience feelings of shame, disappointment, and disillusionment. You may begin to fixate on your partner’s flaws and wonder if you can get past this phase.
- Due to the conflict, you may enter into a power struggle, which is when you really decide on which points you want to concede, which compromises you are willing to make, and which things you do not want to change.
- Once you go through these more temporary phases, you find the awakening, which is when you and your partner understand and accept each other’s flaws. You also accept your own flaws and recognize that you and your partner are both human. Discord is, for the most part, inevitable. At this phase, you may well stop wondering if your partner is right for you. Things can start to settle and feel clearer.
How do you test your partner to see if they really love you?
When you're having doubts about the real feelings of your partner, the common question that comes to your mind is "Does he love me?" It is better not to test your partners, but to instead simply openly communicate and take them at their word. If your partner says they love you, but you feel as though they might not be telling the truth — for instance, if they refuse to prioritize you, pay little attention to your interests, or otherwise indicate that they do not take your feelings into account —then you might be loving someone you can't have and it might be worth it to simply decide to end things. Sometimes, a person really does care; but they may not understand how their actions come off until you talk about it. Pay attention to their response. It is likely not worth investing additional time and energy into getting someone to prove that they value you if they are committed to ignoring you. Maybe it's time to let go and love yourself first until you'll learn how to love somebody else again.
Why do some partners ask if you love them?
We all want to feel valued and appreciated by our partners. When someone asks if you really love them, it can be a sign of insecurity, or that they’re feeling neglected, among other things. If your partner asks you this, you might consider finding new or more emphatic ways to express your affection so they don’t doubt that they matter to you. Since the reasons a person might ask vary so much, it’s hard to guess exactly why someone might ask this question, and it may be effective to have a conversation about insecurities, past wounds, and how to show up for or show love for each other.
How do you tell your partner you love them?
It can be as simple as saying the words “I love you.” Of course, it’s not always as easy as it seems; but it’s better to be honest and straightforward, especially if you’ve never said the words to him before. If saying "I love you son" is so easy if you are a parent, your partner also deserves to hear those affirmations. If you simply want to show them that they matter, you might consider doing something that gets the sentiment of love across without you having to say the words. Doing something thoughtful can let someone know that you care for them.
If you need a crisis hotline, here are some resources:
NAMI Helpline (National Alliance on Mental Illness) - 1-800-950-6264 or info@nami.org
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - 1-800-273-8255
National Domestic Violence Hotline - 1-800-799-7233 or nationaldeafhotline@adwas.org
For more information on mental health, please see:
NIMH (National Institute of Mental Health) - nimhinfo@nih.gov
American Psychological Association - APA (Facebook)
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services - SAMHSA (Facebook)
Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. Contact us at contact@regain.us or contact@betterhelp.com.
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