Are You Married To Someone Who Shows Signs Of Sociopathy? What You Can Do

Characteristics of antisocial personality disorder can include the following:

• Consistent disregard for conventional ideas of right and wrong
• Pathological lying to manipulate others
• Insensitive or disrespectful of others' thoughts and feelings
• Charming and witty when they can gain from it
• Extremely opinionated
• Egocentric and feels superior to nearly everyone
• Frequent legal troubles
• Hostile, aggressive, or violent behavior
• Lack of shame or guilt when harming others
• Risky behavior without regard for anyone’s safety
• Irresponsible and has difficulty meeting work and financial obligations

— Mayo Clinic

Is your partner showing sociopathic tendencies? Recognize the signs

The term “sociopath” is often used indiscriminately—and incorrectly, diluting its meaning in public knowledge. It can help to understand how a sociopath behaves so you can decide whether your partner's actions may indicate ASPD or just selfishness. Discover how to identify the signs of sociopathy in your spouse. 

Your partner has no conscience or sense of right and wrong

People with ASPD typically behave as if they are outside the typical confines of right and wrong. Sociopaths lack a conscience, so they act as they want to, with no moral compass guiding them away from actions that could be seen as negative by others. They feel no remorse or regret for wrongdoing, even if they knowingly hurt someone. 

They are frequently in trouble with the law

Your partner may often engage in criminal activity because they see themselves as above the law. They may feel exempt from the rules, though law enforcement is certain to disagree. 

“They don’t follow socially accepted norms or rules. People with ASPD may break the law or cause physical or emotional harm to the people around them. They may disregard consequences or refuse to take responsibility for their actions. Research suggests that ASPD affects about 1% to 4% of people in the U.S.” — Cleveland Clinic

Your spouse lies constantly

Many sociopaths lie because they want to, even when the truth would serve them better and wouldn’t cause conflict. Lying is a common symptom of ASPD, and people with the disorder may not even need a reason to lie. They feel no guilt for lying to get what they want and don’t see it as a bad thing. 

They never accept blame for anything but hold a grudge forever

You may never have heard your spouse accept responsibility or blame for anything, even if you know for a fact that they are at fault. They may lie themselves into a corner and still refuse to accept blame. However, if they are wronged, you know they will plot revenge without hesitation. 

Your partner feels superior to you—and everyone else 

Many sociopaths display arrogant behavior that shows they feel superior to everyone around them. They may be rude or dismissive because they don’t believe others are worth their time and attention. 

Their behavior is impulsive, selfish, and sometimes dangerous

Your spouse may frequently act without thinking, doing what they want regardless of how dangerous it could be to themselves or anyone else. 

Your spouse is manipulative and controlling

They have no scruples about lying to manipulate and control you, ensuring you behave as they want. They may use guilt, gaslighting, fear, or other tactics to get their way.

They can be charming—on the surface 

If it helps them get what they want, your spouse can be charming and charismatic, but you’ve seen behind the mask they wear. You may have seen the falseness behind their feigned emotions, seen them when they aren't putting on a show, or been on the receiving end of a mood swing. 

Your spouse seems unable to understand how you feel or how their actions affect you

Even if you've repeatedly explained how their behavior makes you feel, your partner may show no genuine understanding that they know or care they've hurt you. 

Other sociopathic behavior you might see

• Speaking badly about all their exes
• Explosive behaviors
• Risky, deviant sexual behavior or infidelity
• Irresponsibility
• Unreliability

Can people with ASPD feel love?

While a sociopath’s version of love may not be what most people would describe as anything close to loving, that doesn’t mean someone with ASPD can’t be in a relationship. However, those relationships are likely to be extremely transactional. If you provide value to their life, you'll matter to them, and they will likely regard you as theirs. However, they may defend you with a scary level of loyalty, hurting someone who upsets you, for example. Because sociopaths are often gifted mimics, they can be skilled at “appearing” to be in love.

Being married to someone with ASPD: Ways to cope

Many people didn’t realize their partner was a sociopath when they married and find that the relationship is too difficult to manage when their spouse with ASPD no longer needs them. Explore some tips to help you cope with the mental, physical, and emotional effects of being married to a sociopath. 

Prioritize your self-care

Take care of yourself first. Your sociopathic spouse certainly isn’t going to prioritize your health and well-being. Ensure that you eat a balanced diet, get plenty of sleep, and exercise regularly to help keep you in optimal condition. Stress can cause numerous physical symptoms, such as headaches, stomach issues, muscle tension, high blood pressure, and an increased risk of cardiac events. 

Develop a safety plan

Many sociopathic people can become violent if they don’t get their way. You should develop a safety plan to ensure you and your children (if you have them) have a safe place to go. Talk to a mental health professional if you don't know where to start.

Educate yourself about what to expect

Learn everything you can about ASPD so you know how it's likely to affect your partner's behavior, and you have some idea of what to expect. 

Suggest they seek treatment for ASPD

If your partner shows multiple signs of being sociopathic, suggest they speak to a doctor for an evaluation. They may be open to the idea if they are frustrated by how they relate to others or don't understand their own behavior. However, you should be prepared for them to react negatively to your suggestion or the idea of treatment. 

Establish healthy boundaries and stick to them

Whether you decide to stay together or not, set healthy boundaries that protect yourself and stick to them. Sociopaths often try to reconnect with exes if they think they can gain from it, and they won’t hesitate to push past your boundaries if you let them. 

Accept that they will not change and decide if your needs are met

In many cases, a sociopath will not change their behavior, and if you stay in the marriage hoping they will, you’re likely to get nothing more than disappointment. Only you can decide the threshold for what you'll accept, but if you knowingly stay in a relationship with a sociopath where your needs aren't met, prepare for it to continue that way. 

How being married to a sociopath can affect you

• You may notice your temper is shorter.
• Mental health conditions like depression, anxiety, or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
• Lowered self-esteem and self-worth
• Functional impairment in one or more areas of your life
• Isolation from friends and family
• Trust issues
• Problems with emotional intimacy

If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.

How therapy can help you cope with a sociopathic spouse

Antisocial personality disorder in a partner can affect nearly every aspect of your relationship and certainly how you and your spouse relate to and treat each other. If you have a sociopathic spouse, consider working with a licensed therapist online through a virtual relationship therapy platform like Regain. Therapy can help you understand how ASPD affects your partner, help you find healthy ways to cope with stress and your emotions, and teach communication strategies to help you build a functional relationship around your partner’s disorder—or support you if it proves to be too much to handle.  

Researchers at the American Psychological Association have been studying how effective psychotherapy is through different approaches. Studies show that online and in-person therapy offer similar outcomes, though virtual treatment is often more cost-effective and involves shorter wait times. Studies show comparable online and face-to-face treatment results if couples therapy seems appropriate. 

Takeaway 

Being married to a sociopath can be an emotionally charged and challenging experience. Some people with ASPD are willing to undergo treatment and adapt their lives to fit with their partner. However, some people aren’t able to make a marriage with a sociopath work. The information in this article offers insight into the signs you’re married to someone with ASPD and how you can safeguard and support your mental health with therapy.