12 Things To Remember In Your Second Marriage

People who go through a divorce often find themselves wishing for a new love to take the old one's place. There are a lot of things you can do to ensure that your next relationship is a successful one. When you are going into a second marriage, you might still be harboring old thoughts and feelings about marriage from your failed first relationship. In order to make this second marriage more successful than your first, there are some things you can keep in mind.

1. Don't let your ex get in between

If you have children from your first marriage, in particular, chances are you and your ex are still in contact with one another. Your ex might trigger you in ways that you may not even realize. Your moods, thoughts, feelings, and how you treat others can all be affected by interactions with your ex. Remember that what didn't work during the marriage probably still isn't working in divorce.

It's important to talk to your new spouse about the feelings and behaviors that your ex brings out in you. Ensure that your new spouse understands that they will have to have some patience with you initially. Over time, the stress between you and your ex will likely fade a bit, and your new spouse will be able to relax. But during this process, you mustn't let your ex get in between you and your new spouse.

2. Children belong to their parents

When there are children from previous marriages on one or both sides of a second marriage, there can be a strain on the relationship between the adults and the children. It's important to remember that children belong to their parents. You can be an authoritative figure in a child's life without being their parent per se. Ensure that you and your spouse have clear boundaries when setting rules and disciplining children. As time moves on, you can establish a discipline system that works for everyone.

3. Openness is the best policy

You and your new spouse have both had previous relationships, whether or not they ended in marriage and divorce. When two adults with pasts come together, there are often insecurities and issues that crop up between you. Talk to each other about your failed relationships and be open and honest about deal-breakers for you and what you learned from your past marriage. This will help you both be on the same page from the beginning.

4. Don't make the same mistakes twice

Psychologists suggest counseling for individuals who become divorced or leave a long-term relationship to make sure they don't make the same mistakes twice. It's important to remember what did and did not work in your first marriage to keep from making those mistakes in your new relationship. If you start to see old patterns becoming new habits, you may need to re-evaluate the situation.

5. Respect the other parent

If you or your spouse are on your second marriage, one or both of you may already have children. You must respect your spouse's ex as the other parent of your stepchildren. Make sure that you do not overstep the boundaries set by your spouse and the other parent. Always defer to the parents in important decisions, even if you are invited to state your opinion.

6. Everyone has baggage

It's important to remember that everyone brings relationship baggage to a second marriage. Recognize it and make opportunities for you and your spouse to talk about your past and put it in a new light. By talking about your past relationships, what worked and what didn't, what hurt you, and what made you happy, you are ensuring that you and your new partner are on the same page for a healthy and lasting second marriage.

7. It is okay to be vulnerable

When you go through a rough divorce, you can build up some defenses against difficult thoughts and feelings. It can also be difficult to trust someone again or to feel safe confiding in them. Remember that the defenses you built during the end of your last marriage are no longer needed. It is okay to be vulnerable to your new spouse to a certain degree.

8. Have realistic expectations

You are less likely to have unrealistic expectations in your second marriage after a first failed one. But it's still important to make sure that you have realistic expectations for your second marriage. Remember that the honeymoon period is only temporary, and the real work of a relationship comes later. You can't expect that the second marriage will be perfect and without strife. You must be willing and ready to work on problems as they arise and take them in stride.

9. Prepare for conflict

Part of having realistic expectations is recognizing that conflict does happen. How you handle the conflict is the key to a successful second marriage. It may be a good idea to sit down with your new spouse to decide together, in advance, how you will handle conflict between you.

10. Communication is key

Experts agree that communication is vital for good relationships, and in your second marriage, that couldn't be more true. Effective communication is necessary for you and your new spouse to get along well together over time regardless of what might come up. You and your new spouse both have past relationships to cope with, and if you do not have effective communication, that old baggage can seep its way into your new relationship.

11. We all have flaws

You cannot expect your second marriage to be instantly more perfect than the first one. That would not be realistic. Everyone has flaws, and it's important to recognize that and be prepared for them. Flaws in your second spouse need not be deal-breakers or the end of the marriage. Learn to compromise and forgive small transgressions.

12. You should have a life of your own

You must make sure that you maintain your own life throughout your second marriage. After your first marriage, you hopefully spent some time with yourself outside of a relationship. With any luck, you will have built an independent life for yourself filled with activities, hobbies, and other important things. In your second marriage, make sure that you maintain these individual things that make your life happy.

Support for making your second marriage successful

Making the most out of your second marriage requires remembering the 12 things mentioned above and working through your past so that it doesn't affect your present or future. While these things to keep in mind during your second marriage are important, you may not be able to reach that place on your own. It is okay to need some help coping with divorce and dealing with a new relationship.

It may be a good idea to wait on a second marriage until you have effectively dealt with the thoughts and emotions of your past marriage and relationships. This may best be done with a licensed therapist to help you identify old patterns and habits that should be broken. Therapy may make you a stronger person and help prepare you for a successful second marriage.

If your second marriage seemed to happen in a whirlwind romance, you might want to make sure that you are getting the help you need to make the relationship successful. It can be very helpful to have some couples therapy to strengthen the relationship at the beginning of the second marriage. In couples therapy, you can discuss your pasts and how they affect your current thoughts and feelings about your present relationship. You can also figure out how to communicate with each other effectively and work on conflict resolution strategies.

If you are not sure where to start looking for a couples' therapist, there are several options. You can often find marriage counselors through your local mental health organizations or by searching online directories. Most marriage counseling is not covered by health insurance, however, and cost could be an issue.

If you have difficulty finding or affording a marriage counselor in your area, there are some other options that you can consider. Online counseling options like Regain can be a good alternative to brick-and-mortar, in-person therapy. With Regain, you can have sessions with a licensed therapist individually or with your new spouse. The therapists with Regain specialize in couples therapy and relationship issues. 

Online therapy has helped many people deal with the fallout from a divorce and those embarking on a new relationship. If you are struggling to find a couples therapist in your local area, online services can widen the pool of potential counselors. Online therapy also tends to be more affordable than in-person therapy, as there are no fees associated with keeping up an office.

Takeaway

If you're headed into a second marriage, take control. Make sure to communicate your expectations—and allow your new spouse to do the same. Getting off on the right foot may make all the difference in assuring a long-lasting relationship.