Spice Up Your Marriage Sexually: Ways To Enhance Intimacy & Your Sex Life
Sexual dissatisfaction is common, with an estimated 27% of women and 41% of men reporting dissatisfaction with the sex in their relationship. Studies find that the most common reasons for boring sex include long work hours, reduced enthusiasm, lack of personal time, medical conditions, and high stress.
Though sex is not an important or possible element of all marriages, physical intimacy can reduce stress, improve sleep quality, boost self-esteem, and increase bonding and relationship satisfaction. It can be challenging to talk to your spouse about boring sex, but once you do, you can work together to make your marriage more sexually satisfying.
How to talk to your spouse about your sex life
Though it may feel awkward or uncomfortable to talk about, the first step to improving the sex in your marriage is typically open communication. If you’re finding it difficult to start, consider the following tips:
Figure out what you like
To do this, Vanessa Marin, sex therapist and author, recommends journaling about the following questions:
- What does good sex mean to me?
- Do I prefer sex that feels safe, intimate, passionate, slow, fast, energetic, or spontaneous?
- What is the most satisfying sex I’ve had with my partner and why?
- Where do I like to be touched?
- What are my fantasies?
- What time of day do I like to have sex?
- What kind of sex do I not want to have?
- What are my boundaries?
Consider asking your spouse to write down their answers to the same questions. Then, you could talk about your notes with each other if you want.
Don’t expect your partner to know what you want
Many people expect their partners to understand their needs and desires without any verbal communication. Even if your spouse is sexually experienced, no one knows what you want better than you. You can discuss your journal with them if you’re comfortable with that, or you can give them constructive verbal feedback about what you enjoy while you’re having sex. Let them know what makes you feel good about yourself, what makes you aroused, and what makes you feel desired.
Focus on suggestions instead of criticism
Many people are sensitive when it comes to discussing sexual dissatisfaction. Instead of telling them what you dislike, emphasize what you like. For example, Laurie Watson, certified sex therapist, suggests saying, "I love it when you ____, and I think it'd be really hot if we _____."
Let them know when you have concerns
Are you wondering why your sex life with your spouse has become less enjoyable? Have you experienced a change in sex drive? Do you fantasize about trying something new? Do you feel self-conscious about being the only one who initiates sex? Are you getting your intimacy needs met? Are you experiencing pain with sex, erectile dysfunction, or any other type of sexual dysfunction? Bringing up your concerns sensitively can help you work together to address them.
- To make the conversation easier, start by focusing on what you like. For example, if you want your partner to engage in foreplay more, you could say, “I love it when we spend time kissing.”
- Remember to be supportive and non-judgmental, particularly if your spouse has a physical or mental health condition or takes medications that impact physical intimacy.
Feel free to talk about your sex life when there isn’t anything wrong
Many spouses save discussions about their sex life for when there are problems. However, this approach can make these discussions more frightening. Couples with strong sexual communication talk about their sex frequently, even when nothing’s wrong, and they tend to feel more satisfied with their sex lives.
Set aside time for check-ins
Since talking about sex can be nerve-wracking, you may find it difficult to maintain open communication. Setting aside dedicated time to check-in about sex (and your relationship in general) can help ensure both of your needs are being met.
Openly discussing your sexual needs and desires can be an opportunity for bonding and vulnerability, and you and your partner may find that having these conversations increases your desire for satisfying sex and improves your overall marital satisfaction.
How therapy can help you build intimacy
Sexual needs can be difficult to talk openly about, especially if you’re unsatisfied with your sex life. People who have some psychiatric disorders may experience fatigue, reduced self-esteem, erectile dysfunction, pain during intercourse, difficulty reaching orgasm, and low sex drive, which can make sex even more challenging to discuss without the help of a professional. If you’re unsatisfied with your sex life, it may be a good idea to reach out to a licensed therapist. A 2017 study on cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) found that CBT improves sexual function and marital satisfaction, and it can effectively reduce symptoms of depression and anxiety.
A 2022 study of pregnant women found that online therapy effectively improved sexual function and satisfaction.
Ways to spice up your marriage sexually
Once you and your spouse begin having open, productive discussions about your sex life, you can plan to build a more satisfying sexual relationship. The following ideas may help:
Create anticipation
If you both enjoy having sex in the evening, flirting throughout the day can create anticipation and lust. You can start by complimenting your spouse, giving them a romantic kiss before parting ways for the day, sending a few flirtatious text messages, or making a playlist of romantic songs to listen to with them.
Try something new
You and your spouse can take some time to discuss what fantasies, fetishes, sex toys, role-play, or sex positions you may be interested in trying. If your spouse suggests something you’re not interested in trying, that’s okay. Avoid using shaming or negative language (like “weird” or “gross”), while clearly communicating your needs.
Take the initiative to spice up your sex life
You and your spouse are both responsible for taking the initiative for physical intimacy. If you’re always waiting for them to make the first move, surprise them by showing more affection. For example, you could hold their hand while you watch a movie, initiate a long kiss, give them a spontaneous massage, or plan a surprise date.
Work out together
A single exercise session can increase hormone levels and dopamine, potentially making sex more enjoyable. Exercise can also improve self-esteem, body image, mental health, and reduce stress. Studies show that, when physical activity is done with a romantic partner, couples can experience greater relationship satisfaction.
Put sex on the calendar
Sometimes, sex becomes boring because you’re both busy with chores, work, and/or kids. In fact, studies find that these are some of the most common reasons couples say they’re dissatisfied with their sex life. Setting aside time in your calendar for sex can help ensure you prioritize intimacy. Additionally, having scheduled sex to look forward to can build the anticipation, allow you to prepare, and give you time to set the mood.
Try different types of sex
There are many different types of sex, such as gentle, intimate, erotic, funny, lusty, fantasy, passionate, spontaneous, and spiritual sex. By changing up the type of sex you have, you can effectively break out of routines and experiment to discover which types you enjoy the most.
Slow it down
Sex is not just about penetration (in fact, sex does not have to include any penetration). Taking the time for affectionate touch can reduce stress through the release of dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin, which can help both partners prepare physically and emotionally for physical intimacy. Foreplay can make you feel more connected, increase blood flow to the genitals, and increase vaginal lubrication.
Have morning sex
Mornings can be a good time for many couples to have sex. It can help reduce stress levels, set positive intentions for the day, improve energy and mood levels, and make you feel more bonded to your spouse throughout the day. If you have a busy schedule, choosing sex first thing in the morning can help prioritize your marriage. Additionally, hormone levels tend to be the highest in the morning, which can make morning sex more desirable and pleasurable.
Add a pillow
Individuals with physical pain stemming from arthritis, endometriosis, back pain, or other medical issues may find sex uncomfortable. Sex pillows, or regular pillows, can reduce pressure and make sex positions more comfortable. According to Dr. Jennifer Lincoln, OB/GYN and author, pillows may make penetrative sex more enjoyable for some people, even those without pain.
Focus on the moment to increase intimacy
You can practice mindful sex by focusing on your breath and sensations, while letting go of shame, insecurities, and other distractions. When practiced during sex, mindfulness can increase intimacy, pleasure, and emotional connectedness with your partner.
Prepare the space
Some people may find it easy to get distracted by unfolded laundry, dirty sheets, or traffic noises. It may be helpful to set the mood by ensuring the room is tidy, lighting candles, turning on music or a white noise machine, and conveniently laying out condoms, sex toys, lingerie, or any other things you may need.
Turn date night into foreplay
Setting up a date night can increase the suspense and build-up for sex. While you’re out on your date, you might want to give your partner a long kiss, play footsie under the table, or whisper your fantasies into their ear.
Explore kinks to spice up your marriage sexually
According to one large survey of 2,021 adults in the U.S., 57% of participants said they read erotic stories, 22% said they engaged in role-playing, 20% said they tried bondage, 30% tried spanking, and 10-18% had a threesome. While kinks are sometimes stigmatized, they are very common. Incorporating one of your kinks (or your partner’s) into your sex life may increase satisfaction.
When it comes to kinks, enthusiastic consent, boundaries, and frequent communication are important.
Takeaway
Many couples find that life can get in the way of pleasurable sex and physical intimacy. But it doesn’t have to. By prioritizing open communication, you can further improve your relationship and learn more about both your sexual needs and desires. Prolonged foreplay, trying new things, helping your partner feel safe and desired, practicing mindfulness, and exercising together are some of the ways you may be able to improve your sex life. If you’re finding it challenging to have a productive discussion about sex, you might want to reach out to a licensed therapist. Online therapy can improve your communication strategies, and studies show it can increase sexual function and satisfaction.
Frequently asked questions (FAQs)
How can I spice up my boring marriage?
If you feel that your marriage has become boring, it’s time to put in some renewed effort and remember why you married your spouse in the first place! Try giving your spouse a sincere compliment every day. This will put you in a mindset of looking for positive qualities in your partner, and it can also get them thinking about the things they love about you!
Trying something new in the bedroom is also a great way to spice up your love life. Whether that means role-playing, trying out a new position, or fulfilling a sexual fantasy, getting intimate with your spouse is always a fantastic way to feel close and connected. Aside from sex, physical touch is also a good tool for making your marriage less boring. Hold hands, cuddle on the couch, offer a shoulder massage, kiss your partner goodbye when they leave for work… the possibilities are endless! Touch is a simple and easy way to show that you care and to connect with your spouse.
Finally, make life in your marriage more exciting by planning a fun date or getaway! Hire a babysitter if necessary and get out of the house for at least a few hours. Stay off your phones and enjoy each other’s company. You can do something simple like going on a walk or out to eat. Or you could do something adventurous that gets your adrenaline pumping.
How can I spice up my marriage life?
You can spice up your life in your marriage by putting in effort with your spouse daily. You could try leaving little notes around the house for your partner to find; this could be as simple as writing “I love you” on a Post-It note and sticking it to the bathroom mirror. You can also put in some extra effort to look nice for your spouse, which could even lead to an opportunity for intimacy.
If you and your partner have been caught up in the stress and responsibilities of life, take some time for a spa day together so that you can truly relax and enjoy each other’s company. You could schedule massages at a spa, or you could exchange massages at home and take a bubble bath together. Light some candles, play some music, and make the experience as romantic as possible!
Another quick and simple way to spice up your love life is to do small favors or acts of kindness for your partner. Do the chore your spouse dreads, make them a cup of coffee or tea in the morning before work, or pick up their favorite treat from the grocery store. The little things go a long way in maintaining a happy marriage!
How do I bring the fun back into my marriage?
You can bring the fun back into your marriage by scheduling quality time for you and your partner to spend together without any other responsibilities. Date night is just as important when you’ve been married for years as it is when you first get together (if not more so)! Dating should be a regular part of your marriage.
A few date ideas are visiting a local brewery or winery, cooking a themed dinner together, singing karaoke duets, and walking or biking around a nearby park. Think about the kinds of dates you used to go on, and recreate them!
Aside from dating, be affectionate and flirty with your spouse whenever you can. Hugs and kisses go a long way and don’t forget to say “I love you” rather than assuming they already know. Whenever you think of something nice or positive about your spouse, please make an effort to text them and let them know. Compliments and appreciation for your partner will help the two of you to connect!
How can I make my husband crazy about me?
If you want your partner to be crazy about you, the first step you should take is to look at your own mental health. If you’ve been experiencing depression, anxiety, or even struggling with confidence, take the time to work on yourself. Therapy is a wonderful tool to help you understand your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and shift them to more positive, healthy ones. This will, in turn, lead to healthier, more fulfilling relationships!
Be sure to take care of yourself physically as well. Putting in a little effort to look especially nice for your spouse now and again shows that you care and can even lead to intimacy. Remember to show appreciation for all of the little things (and big things) your partner does as well. Be flirty, affectionate, and attentive to your spouse. This will make it clear to your partner just how much you care! Life in your marriage doesn’t have to be boring and complacent; put in effort every day and watch your marriage thrive!
What are the 3 most important things in a marriage?
The three things that successful relationships have in common are trust, commitment, and vulnerability. If you cultivate these skills and make them a consistent part of your marriage, you’ll have a much happier and healthier relationship. However, the list of qualities and skills that are important to marriage could go on forever! Humility, patience, forgiveness, quality time, communication, selflessness, and respect should play a part in your marriage as well. Of course, love is also an essential part of a marriage.
Why do marriages get boring?
One reason marriage can feel boring is that you no longer have the same freedoms and opportunities you did when you were single. Instead, life in your marriage means considering your partner in all decisions rather than doing whatever you feel like doing on a whim.
Another reason for boredom is that marriage involves many routines, and humans are accustomed to switching things up over time. However, for the most part, boredom is a result of your own mindset. It indicates that you need to change your perspective and your actions. It’s important to recognize what you have to be grateful for: a partner who loves you and is a constant support system.
Therefore, if you’re feeling bored with your marriage, make an effort to change it instead of remaining complacent. Cultivate an attitude of gratitude, take up a new hobby, and plan fun dates and quality time with your spouse.
Do married couples get tired of each other?
It’s possible for married couples to get tired or bored of each other if they don’t maintain their own individual identities and interests and fail to put consistent effort into the relationship. But while predictability and routine can lead to boredom, marriage does not have to be boring. Rather than being a passive state of love, a successful marriage demands that couples actively engage in acts of love for each other. Being interdependent and willing to put work into the relationship will lead to a much healthier, happier, and less boring marriage.
How do I get the spark back from my husband?
If you feel like your marriage has lost its spark, there are plenty of things you can do to get it back. Add more physical touch into your relationship--not necessarily sex, but holding hands, hugging, or offering a back massage. Try something new with your partner, praise them and show your gratitude for the little things they do and remember to take care of yourself and your mental health as well. You can also try couples counseling, where you’ll learn valuable relationship skills and complete connection-building activities with the guidance of a professional.
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