Five Songs About Marriage: What It’s Really Like To Be Married

Love songs have been an essential part of human history, dating back to 4,000 years ago and found in the songs of poets who reflected upon ancient fertility rites and romance. Since that time, thousands of songs have been written about the trials of relationships, the beauty of falling in love, and the pain of breaking up. Taylor Swift has made a career out of writing songs about this topic. Think about "Teardrops on My Guitar" and "Love Story." However, the popular songs written in the pop music genre typically involve only the beginning and may not even scratch the surface of what marriage is like.

So why are not there songs about marriage?

Well, there are. It's just harder to capture the complexities of love in marriage in a simple love song. There is no one size fits all approach and it is often messier than the feeling of falling in love for the first time. Once you have been around someone for a long time, you start recognizing that they are not perfect and it is difficult to write about these flaws. In this article, you will read about five songs that delve deep into the meaning of marriage, beyond the infatuation stage of romantic love and into the meaning of committed relationships that stand the test of time. First, we will touch upon the meaning of infatuation and how love in marriage is beyond this stage of a relationship that most love songs seem to cover. 

Infatuation and love in marriage

"Love at first sight" or "falling in love" is not the same as love in marriage. Why? In the early stages of love, that feeling is infatuation. It can be described as a deep fascination with someone in an irrational way. Most logical thoughts go out the window when you are infatuated. That is not to say that infatuation is necessarily a negative thing, but a necessary early phase of love and relationships. Infatuation tends to last six months but can last as long as two years and is characterized by the following signs:  

• Perceive that you know everything about them
• Feel lonely when you are apart from them
• They are flawless
• Willing to give up everything for this person
• Wanting everything to happen now
• Attracted only to their physical appearance
• Feel insecure (jealousy, paranoia) when they are away
• Exhausted from the relationship

The good thing about infatuation is it can help you get to know your partner better. One study found that infatuation improved attention and memory of details about romantic partners. The control group who was asked to recall details about friends could not recall the same level of detail as the people who recalled information about romantic partners.

Once that infatuation wears off, though, if there is not more substance to the relationship, it can fall apart. Communication is key, especially being open with each about where you feel your relationship stands and what you both hope for in your future together. Where do you see yourself in five years? What attributes are you looking for in a partner? Do you have complimentary expectations for your lives? Put those infatuation magic powers to use and learn about what you both have in common. The first step to becoming closer is being able to recognize your own flaws along with your partners and accept them as they are. 

Flaws By Bastille

One thing everyone has in common is flaws. The phrases "no one's perfect" and "we're all human" gets thrown around a lot to the point where they have almost become clichés. You might roll your eyes at someone who says this, but revealing your flaws is an important step leading up to marriage. Once you are married, both of you should aim to keep a level of openness and trust so that the vulnerable display of flaws can continue.

This song describes this vulnerability of showing who you really are to someone. These lines showcase it well:

You have always worn your flaws upon your sleeve.

And I have always buried them deep beneath the ground.

Dig them up; let's finish what we've started.

Dig them up, so nothing's left untouched.

For the sake of this article, I'll refer to the "I" in songs as the protagonist. I will not refer to the lead singer or the songwriter as the "I" because songs are usually meant to make us, the listener, feel like it is for us or about us. With that said, let's talk about these lines from the song.

It is clear that the protagonist admires their partner for how open they are. It's a wonderful feeling to know someone. Being vulnerable creates intimacy and trust. Without intimacy and trust, the relationship does not have a stable foundation.

That's why one of the leading causes of divorce is infidelity. If one person breaches trust, it can be hard to rebuild. That's why communication is a must. Showing your flaws requires being vulnerable in actions and talking openly about future scenarios. If you want to be in an open relationship, you have to let your partner know. They might have different expectations.

Oftentimes, we think of flaws as a bad thing. In some cases, though, those quirks can be endearing to someone we love. Other times they will not be. If your partner has flaws that are deal breakers for you, do not assume they are going to disappear once you're married magically. If anything, they can become more noticeable (and sometimes more annoying) with time.

Flaws make us who we are, and that's a good thing. Even if you or your partner's flaws are not endearing, being open and accepting of them is what matters. As the song says, "We'll see that we need [flaws] to be who we are; without them, we'd be doomed."

Brené Brown, an expert on vulnerability, shame, and courage, would agree. She often describes her relationship with vulnerability as a "street fight." It comes with a lot of uncertainty. You have to experience that discomfort, though, to be able to experience love, creativity, trust, and so on.

In an interview with Forbes, she had this to say about vulnerability: "The difficult thing is that vulnerability is the first thing I look for in you and the last thing I'm willing to show you. In you, it's courage and daring. In me, it's weakness."

As she says, vulnerability is a necessary quality we need to feel close to other people. However, there's a lot of fear associated with it. You have to take risks to be vulnerable. In marriage, you're going to change. We often resist change, but it is a part of life. You must keep creating space for each other. The next song on this list is about creating that space.

"Heart Beat Here" By Dashboard Confessional

Right from the beginning of the song, it's about being there for your partner:

Come on home and let yourself heal

You could sleep for a thousand years

I won't let you disappear

Let your heartbeat here

Sleep is our most vulnerable state, and the protagonist of this song is creating space for their partner to be that vulnerable. He recognizes the pain his significant other is going through and promises to be there for them.

Using the heart imagery is meaningful, especially when you consider its meaning and purpose in our lives. The heart is a vital organ for us to live; it's central in our body, often a symbol of love. Getting married can be considered a way of saying to someone, “You are the center of my life and I want it to be that way for the rest of our lives”. This lifelong promise is a very serious and powerful gesture, and it is not always easy.

Being married means that you are not only responsible for your own feelings and life journey anymore; you must care deeply for someone else too. As the song says, "I will take your path as mine," when they are down, you have to be there to pick them up. Not being there for them can cause a rift in the marriage.

You can tell the protagonist knows the importance of supporting your spouse from these lines:

Winter's come to take me away

I wear my ring to know what's at stake.

A wedding ring is given as a symbol of your love on the day you get married, but do you notice how you do not think about this meaning after that day? If not, look at your ring and remember the commitment and vows you have agreed to share. A wonderful way to rekindle the fire is to look back at your vows and see if you are living up to the promises you made.

Even better, you can renew your vows. It can be a fun and meaningful way to celebrate all your years together. If you asked most people what their vows were, they might remember one or two things. Making them fresh in your mind will let you know where you need to work in the relationship, and it will show your partner how much they mean to you.

Similarly, this next song is about caring for someone when they are going through a hard time.

One of the co-founders of this band, Nancy Wilson, was also an artist from the band Heart. She wrote this song when her husband was going through a hard time. In an interview with NPR, Scott Simon asked Nancy if she'd call this a "love song for the long haul," and Nancy agreed.

The interviewer discusses with Nancy about how many love songs are about the early stages of a relationship, such as seeing someone for the first time, the first few dates, or breakups. That's not what Nancy was going for in this song. She wanted to show that love is not all about infatuation and short-lived romance. It's about true commitment to someone, even when things are hard.

The imagery of the hard times is strong in this song, with lines like:

Don't let them steal your soul away

When the whole d**** world is melting down

From the branding that you earn

Even though this song is not about conflict, the lyrics reflect how your spouse’s hardships can also weigh on us.  Being empathetic towards them is an important relationship skill. Sometimes we might not understand what the other person is going through, yet it is important to be available to support them through these difficult times. 

Being empathetic and helping someone through a hard time does not have to be complicated either. The song begins by asking, Hey baby, how was your day? All you must do is ask and authentically listen to the answer. Put yourself in their shoes and try to feel what they are feeling. You might not be successful, but sometimes all someone needs is someone to listen.

That's what it means to “cover each other”. You are there to listen and support them. You're there to pick up the slack when they are burning out and need to rest.

Consider the first round of the chorus:

As friends and lovers, we cover each other, cover each other

As friends and lovers, we cover each other, discover each other

Notice how "cover each other" changes at the end of the first chorus to "discover each other" – another important tenet of marriage. We never are truly finished discovering ourselves, so why would we ever be finished discovering our significant other? They grow and change and learn too.

It's a humble reminder that we can never know everything. If you can go through life learning about people instead of "knowing" them, it can be eye-opening. What they need one day will change the next.

This can be hard for perfectionists. If we grow to expect things to be a certain way and change, it's hard to adapt. Our partner will not be happy and carefree all the time, neither will we.  Not only should we come to expect that we'll have to comfort them in different ways as they change, but we'll also have to show them love in different ways too. This next song is about how we show love.

"I'll Clean Up For You" By Tim Hawkins

Tim Hawkins is a comedian, so this song is meant to be funny. Yet, what makes it funny is not the absurdity – it is the truth in it. The song starts with sexual innuendo, "I understand what lights your fire." It takes an unexpected turn, and the protagonist is showing love by cleaning up after the party. This twist is what makes it funny and realistic.

Yes, physical intimacy is essential to a relationship, but it might be more important to one person than the other.

In this case, his partner feels loved when he cleans the house. As we've already discussed, communication, vulnerability, and trust are foundational qualities for a marriage. The elephant in the room is love. Feeling loved isn't a given in marriage. Feelings are fickle. You can fall in and out of love at any time. Being married does not make you immune to that.

The best way to stay in love (or fall back in love) is to know how you both need to receive love. You might find sex as the key ingredient in your relationship, like this song implies, while your partner feels loved when you do an act of service for them.

These are not the only ways people feel loved, either. To show your love for them, you can:

• Tell them why you love them
• Surprise your partner with gifts (experience, flowers, etc.)
• Do something they love that you usually don't participate in
• Have a cuddle session while you watch their favorite show

There are so many other options too. One trick is to notice how your beloved shows love for other people. Do they enjoy giving gifts? Do they find deep conversations meaningful? Are they the ones cleaning up after their friend's birthday party? Be vigilant!

When you show someone love, they will notice and give you more love in return. It is a wonderful cycle of giving love and being loved.

If you are going through a rough patch, and you're having a hard time remembering why you loved them in the first place, try gratitude. That leads us to the last song on this list.

"Perfect Storm" By Brad Paisley

This song is all about the complex nature of people. Each of us comes with what some might call a "dark side" and a "light side." What's great about this song is that the protagonist does not describe his beloved that way.

Throughout the song, he talks about how grateful he is for her multifaceted nature. You can see that throughout the song and in these lines:

She's Sunday drive meets

High speed chase

She ain't just a song

She's the whole mix tape

She's so complicated

That's the way God made her

Sunshine mixed with

A little hurricane

Whether you believe in a higher power or not, the message is the same. He not only accepts her for who she is, but he embraces it. You can feel the tenderness throughout this song. He is awed by her complexity and even says, "There's no one more beautiful angry."

You may not say that your partner is more beautiful when they are angry (or it might even make them angrier if you said so). However, you can find inspiration by the context of these words and tell your spouse you are grateful for their uniquely wonderful characteristics. 

A review study from 2018 found that gratitude reduces stress, improves physical and mental health, supports resilience, and generally connects people to the best in themselves and others. By simply counting your blessings regularly, you are setting yourself up for more happiness and life satisfaction. Most importantly, gratitude brings people closer together. In a New York Times article, Arthur C. Brooks describes more of the science behind gratitude. One thing he mentioned is that gratitude can calm down someone who is angry. Remembering to use gratitude in a heated moment is challenging, but if you can remember, it can be worth your while.

One gratitude practice is to write a list of  five things every day you are thankful for. Make sure at least one of them is something you are grateful for about your partner. You can use this for any area of your life. If you are experiencing dissatisfaction at work or trouble in any of your relationships, try including them in your gratitude list.

When you are experiencing relationship trouble

Not all relationships are meant to last a lifetime. Sometimes we made a mistake. That's okay. A lot of divorced people would say it was one of the best decisions they made. There's a lot of pressure to stay married, but that might not be the right path for you. If this is the case, consider couples counseling or relationship therapy to help walk you through the process. 

If  you are wrestling with divorce or relationship conflict, but want to work to save your marriage, it might be time to see a trained therapist. They can help you sort out your feelings and make sense of them. Therapists create a safe place for you to express your feelings and find clarity. They will also  offer exercises to help you improve your communication and other aspects of your relationship. You can go to couples therapy or by yourself. It depends on what you and your partner are comfortable with.

If this sounds like something you are open to, Regain can help. They are an online platform where you can find a therapist who suits your needs. Better yet, all meetings are virtual so you can meet with experienced therapists from anywhere in the world. If you move, it won't affect your relationship with your therapist. You'll be able to meet with them wherever you are. If you are wondering if online therapy is as effective as in-person, be assured  that research supports its efficacy and you have the added benefit of being in the comfort of your own home for therapy sessions. Marriage can be complicated. Sometimes we all need a little extra help to get back on our feet.

Takeaway

Marriage can be tough, but also incredibly rewarding. Spending your life with someone who you care deeply for and who returns your love is unmistakably one of the most meaningful parts of existence. Listening to songs that remind you of the love you share with your spouse can help lift you on a bad day and get you through the times when your marriage is struggling. If you feel that your marriage could use additional support, reach for a couples counselor for advisement. You will both grow from the experience.