Married And Questioning Your Sexuality: What It Could Mean For Your Marriage

The sexuality spectrum

Sexuality exists on a spectrum. Someone is rarely completely heterosexual or entirely homosexual. There are degrees to which you can be attracted to different genders. Some people are mostly attracted to the opposite gender but occasionally have fantasies about the same sex. Others exclusively prefer to date the same gender and don't deviate from that choice.

You may have heard of the Kinsey Scale, which measures a person's sexual orientation. It ranges from heterosexual to homosexual. Kinsey and his researchers surveyed participants regarding their sexual identities and fantasies. The research included sexual behaviors and how the participants identified with whom they wanted to be intimate, which varied.

There are seven scores. A score of 0-1 indicates heterosexuality, a score of 2-4 indicates bisexuality, and a score of 5-6 indicates homosexuality. What can we learn from the Kinsey Scale? We can take away that sexuality isn't necessarily linear and that people are, for the most part, not exclusive to strict heterosexuality or homosexuality.

Can you be “mostly” heterosexual? What does that mean?

Studies on sexuality in six countries indicated that 1.2% to 23% of women and 1.7% to 9% of men are exclusively heterosexual. People with exclusive same-sex attraction came in at 7.9% to 9.5% for women and 3.6% to 4.1% for men. If you're a married straight woman and you're attracted to another woman, you're not alone, and there's nothing wrong with you. Sexuality is fluid. While you may find yourself confused if you've never been attracted to someone who's not of the opposite sex before, it's normal. There is nothing wrong with having an attraction to people of any gender.

Bisexuality

Bisexuality means that you're attracted to both men and women. When you're a bisexual woman, it means that you feel romantic, physical, and emotional attraction to other women and that you experience these sorts of attraction to men as well. Some people believe that if you're bisexual, it means that you have an equal amount of attraction to men and women, but that's not necessarily the case.

Bisexuality doesn't need to be a 50/50 split. You can lean toward being attracted to one gender or another and still identify as bisexual. A misconception about bisexual individuals is that you can't be in a monogamous relationship if you're bisexual. That is not the case at all, and it's important to debunk this myth. It depends on the partnership and what you feel comfortable with, but many bisexual people are strictly monogamous.

Bisexuality also doesn't mean that you will cheat on your partner with someone of another gender. You remain bisexual regardless of whether you're in a relationship with a man or a relationship with a woman. Bisexuality is just as valid if you're in a relationship with a man, woman, or nonbinary person. How you identify your sexuality is up to you and no one else.

Bisexuality and monogamous relationships

It doesn't matter what your sexual identity is; any relationship has the potential to be monogamous or non-monogamous. Some bisexual women have one partner, whereas others are polyamorous. It just depends on the nature of the relationship that they have. Married women who are bisexual may experience attraction to other women but not act on it if they're in a monogamous relationship. Still, if they're in an open relationship, they may experience attraction to other women and have the opportunity to act on it. It depends on how open their partner is and what the couple desires as a unit.

Sometimes, bisexual women will bring another woman into their current relationship with a man for sexual experimentation. According to the Straight Spouse Network, over three million mixed-orientation couples exist in the United States, so if you're a bisexual woman and you're thinking about talking to your partner about this, know that you're not alone and that other people with mixed-orientation relationships remain happily married.

Polyamory and bisexuality

Some couples are comfortable with a polygamous relationship. It's important to talk to your partner and establish the boundaries of the relationship. Do you see each other exclusively, or are you dating other people as well? As a bisexual woman in a heterosexual marriage, you may find yourself attracted to other women outside the marriage. The question is, do you want to explore those attractions? If you do, talk to your partner. They need to understand what your romantic and sexual needs are.

If they are aware of what you want and need in the relationship, they can be supportive. Communicate that you would like to explore your relationships with other women if that's what you want. You're entitled to have these feelings and get what you want out of your relationship. You have the right to be happy, and if exploring relationships with other women will make you happy, talk to your partner about that.

However, it’s important to understand that your partner has their own set of boundaries that needs to be respected as well. While you have the freedom to voice your wants and needs in the relationship, they have the right to voice theirs, too, which might differ from yours. This might mean that your partner might not be okay with the idea of you experimenting or being polyamorous. In this case, if you feel that exploring your relationships with others is what you need to be happy, it might be time to consider ending your current relationship.

Talk to your partner

If you've recently realized that you are or might be bisexual, it's important to discuss this with your partner to make sure that you're on the same page. Once you open up about your feelings, you can establish what this means for the future of your marriage. It might mean that you'd like to experiment, and your partner is or is not okay with that. It could also mean that you don't want to experiment but want your partner to understand this part of who you are.

If you're dealing with bisexuality in marriage, honest and open communication about sexuality goes a long way.. There are some situations where opening up this conversation might be tricky or even unsafe. Perhaps you or your partner were raised in an environment where being attracted to the same sex was shunned or viewed as "wrong," and as a result, you don't feel safe to open up to your spouse about it. You deserve a supportive place to talk about things and be who you are, which is where support groups and counseling come in. Don't shy away from seeking help or mental health treatment if you need it or think you could benefit from it.

Support groups and counseling

Support groups can be useful for a variety of different issues. If you're a bisexual woman who's married, you may crave the company of people who understand what it's like to be attracted to people of both genders. Being bisexual and single is different because you can explore your sexuality freely and make decisions without consulting a partner. However, if you are married or in a serious relationship, you must consider another person and their needs and your own. That's where meeting with a support group can help.

You may find that joining an LGBTQIA+ support group may help you as a bisexual or questioning woman. You can talk to other women in your situation, whether the support group occurs in person, at a local LGBTQIA+ center, or online. Talking to people of your sexuality can give you a sense of community. If you've struggled in your relationship, you can talk about it in your support group.

In addition to support groups, you can go to an individual counselor or couples counseling with your partner. Individual counseling can be helpful for those who want to talk about their struggles related to identity, worries about their interpersonal relationships, and anything else that they might be facing. Some therapists and counselors specialize in working with the LGBTQIA+ population, so that's something that you can look for.

Sometimes it helps to talk to people in person because you can see their reactions and facial expressions. You can also make friends with people in your group and arrange times to get together outside of the group meetings. Support groups can be a place to build relationships. You already have a common ground, and the relationships can grow from there.

Therapy in your area or online counseling

Therapy is about exploring emotional truths and learning more about yourself. If you're a bisexual woman in a marriage and haven't explored your sexuality, try talking about it with a licensed therapist. You may benefit from speaking about being bisexual outside of your relationship and begin to understand what your sexuality means to you. You can see a therapist in your area or consider trying something like online therapy.

Are you bicurious or bisexual wanting to understand your orientation better? Online counseling is an excellent place to discuss issues surrounding sexuality and relationships. Being a bisexual, married woman isn't necessarily easy, and you might be confused about how to discuss your sexuality with your partner. Maybe they're heterosexual and don't understand your sexuality. Seeing a counselor and talking about it can help.

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