How To Cope With Verbal Abuse In Marriage

The American Psychological Association (APA) defines verbal abuse as extremely critical, threatening, or insulting words delivered in oral or written form, with the intention of demeaning or frightening another person. 

Some researchers further define verbal abuse as an aspect of psychological abuse, which is often used interchangeably with the terms “emotional abuse” or “expressive aggression”. 

Regardless of how you describe verbal abuse, unkind words are never acceptable in any marriage. Still, this form of harassment is far too common among romantic couples. Data collected in the U.S. and Europe indicates that psychological abuse affects between 35 and 49% of men and women.

If you or a loved one are experiencing verbal abuse in a marriage, you deserve to be spoken to with care and kindness. In this article, we’ll consider what verbal abuse looks like in a marriage and other romantic relationships, followed by strategies to combat verbal attacks and restore healthy communication in your marriage. 

What does verbal abuse look like?

Verbal abuse can take various forms. In some cases, you may struggle to identify examples of verbal abuse in other relationships or even perceive them in your own marriage. 

To identify and fight against verbal abuse, it’s crucial to understand the key warning signs and overall purpose of abusive language. Regardless of how an abuser uses their words, the underlying intent is usually to assert power and control over another person.

In a marriage as well as other relationships, common examples of verbal abuse include: 

• Name-calling and put-downs
• Threatening to leave you or the relationship
• Public humiliation or embarrassment
• Blocking your efforts to communicate by changing the conversation or telling you to be quiet
• Discounting or belittling your feelings
• Interrupting when you speak
• “Gaslighting”, or making you question your reality and second-guess your perceptions and memories

While words can be used in other ways to inflict psychological harm, this list represents some of the most common forms of verbal abuse. 

Even with access to these examples, you may still struggle to identify verbal abuse in your own marriage, particularly if you and your partner already find it difficult to communicate with clarity and kindness. 

Ultimately, if you’re trying to decide whether the behaviors in your marriage “count” as verbal abuse, ask yourself: does my partner consistently hurt me with their words? Relatedly, do I ever use destructive, unkind language with my partner? A therapist can help you spot signs of verbal abuse and develop better communication skills in your marriage while advocating for your health and safety as an individual.

Coping strategies to prevent and heal from verbal abuse

Before discussing these strategies, it’s important to note that no one should feel forced to “deal with” verbal abuse and continue to live with the threat of destructive language. 

For better and worse, language is powerful. If either person in a marriage is using the power of words to inflict harm, it may be time to consult a mental health professional for more support. 

1. Set boundaries

In any marriage, boundaries are essential. Your boundaries are like personal “rules” that protect your emotions, energy, and use of time.

If you’re experiencing verbal abuse in a marriage, boundaries let your spouse know that certain words and behaviors are unacceptable and will not be tolerated in any context. 

If both you and your partner struggle to communicate kindly with each other, consider implementing the following boundaries:

• When frustrated or upset, ask your partner to take at least five minutes to “cool down” before verbalizing their frustration.
• If conflicts tend to escalate when you’re talking through issues with your spouse, consider writing down your concerns before sharing them with each other.
• Schedule a weekly “check-in” to discuss any challenges and goals for your marriage, as well as areas of improvement and gratitude. This designated “date” gives both partners time to reflect and process throughout the week. 

Boundaries are crucial to a healthy marriage, but they’re also flexible and can be redefined as your relationship evolves. By setting healthy boundaries early and revisiting them often, you and your spouse will have a better sense of each other’s emotional needs, hopes, and areas for growth.

2. Prioritize your physical safety

While verbal abuse is rooted in language, it may increase the likelihood of physical abuse. If you’re in a heated conversation with your partner (or anyone) and feel like the conversation may escalate to physical violence, distance yourself and walk away from the abuser, if possible. 

The National Domestic Violence Hotline works with people throughout the country to create safety plans, which are designed to protect your physical and emotional safety. While you can print a copy of your safety plan for your reference, you can also give your plan to a trusted person if it feels unsafe to keep the physical version. 

3. Relax your body

During a verbal fight or another moment of conflict, you may feel the tension and intensity in your body. Whether you’re experiencing verbal abuse or preparing for a difficult talk with your spouse, these relaxation techniques can promote both physical relaxation and emotional calm: 

• Take a deep breath and open your hands. This simple, relaxed posture can help you stay calm during intense, emotional moments with your spouse or other loved ones. 
• Relax your face. When you’re saying or hearing something upsetting, your face can hold a lot of emotion. Make a conscious effort to relax your face muscles and maintain a calm, neutral expression.
• Slow down. In heated moments, it may feel natural to move your hands or arms rapidly to express anger, frustration, or dismay. If you’re feeling upset, try to speak slowly and align your body movements with the pace of your words. Even if your spouse uses physical expressions to amplify their language, you don’t need to mirror their behavior.

4. Take a break

Depending on the status of your marriage as well as your personal needs, “taking a break” can hold many different meanings. In some cases, you might simply take a break from a difficult conversation by spending alone time in another room or setting. But in cases of verbal abuse, couples may need to press pause on their relationship and physically separate for a period of time.

During a physical break, spouses can work on their communication skills and decide whether they can achieve a psychologically safe, viable, and mutually rewarding marriage. Therapy may be a core part of this process, coupled with individual “homework” outside of sessions.

If you’re considering taking a break in your marriage, psychologists recommend establishing the ground rules beforehand. You may initiate a break for a specific period of time, opt for zero contact, or maybe schedule a weekly date to check in and connect with your spouse.

Remember that the rules are yours to define and adapt, as needed. While breaks can feel scary and uncertain, a brief separation might also illuminate the value and potential of your relationship. For some couples, a renewed sense of gratitude reinforces their commitment to each other, leaving them better equipped to tackle the bigger issues.

Therapy can help you heal from verbal abuse

Even in long-term and committed marriages, most couples encounter tough conversations and deep-rooted issues along the way. A licensed therapist can help couples surmount these challenges and reconnect to their spouses as teammates, lovers, and lifelong supporters. 

While some couples prefer in-person therapy, many couples and individuals now use online therapy to heal from past hurts and progress toward their mental health goals. Using an online platform like Regain, you can connect with a licensed therapist who suits your relationship needs and goals. Online therapy is well-suited for couples with conflicting schedules, tight budgets, and other specific concerns. A Regain therapist will support couples through their shared challenges with kindness, empathy, and professional expertise. 

Several studies demonstrate the value of online therapy, including a 2021 clinical paper on virtual couple therapy (VCT) during the COVID-19 pandemic. Based on their clinical observations, the authors conclude that VCT can effectively support the growth and progress of couples, even during a global health crisis. The authors noted that many couples were more motivated to work through their issues as a result of COVID-19, and thus engaged actively in VCT and maximized its benefits. These perks include more time and flexibility to engage in therapy, regardless of couples’ schedules or physical locations.

Takeaway

Every person deserves to be spoken to with kindness and compassion. But when you live alongside your spouse every day, finding the right words for a given situation can be tricky – especially when you’re tired, stressed, or overwhelmed.

Fortunately, communication is a skill you can improve with time and continual effort. Healing from verbal abuse also takes time, but the reward of a healthy, mutual giving is well worth the investment. A therapist can help you reach this place and build the loving relationship you deserve.