Here’s Why A Sexless Marriage Can Face Troubles Long Term
Perhaps you’ve seen it in the media or heard it from your friends. Maybe you’ve even experienced it yourself. The definition of a sexless marriage is when you have sex rarely or don't have sex for months at a time. It’s no secret that sexless marriages can be difficult for both people involved. You may be wondering why sexless marriages happen and how you can prevent yours from falling into the same rut.
A marriage becomes sexless for reasons other than bad sex
One of the reasons your marriage may become sexless could be sex that is no longer exciting for one person. Or it could be due to a lack of libido from one of the individuals in the relationship. However, there are other reasons why a marriage may suffer from a lack of sex. These reasons include:
- The needs of children
- Stress that stems from work, the home, or a lack of excitement in life
- Exhaustion
- Unexpressed issues in the relationship that have caused anger or resentment
- Problems with money
- A lack of communication
- A lack of attention to quality time and emotional connection
While these are some common reasons why sex may have taken a back seat in a relationship, certain medications and medical issues can also cause problems with sexual interest and/or satisfaction. If this is the case for you or your partner, you may want to try to console them and figure out how to work around these medical issues. Understanding and perseverance can help you communicate and work through the issue together.
Though sex isn't the only important aspect of a healthy marriage, it can impact the happiness in a relationship. Being honest and respectful in your communication with your partner might make it possible to restore the lost passion and intimacy.
A sexless marriage can fall apart because a couple is unwilling to address and work on their issues
A sexless marriage can be caused by serious relationship problems. You may think that sex is the core issue at hand, but there may be other underlying tensions to address. You and your partner can have a healthy sex life again if you are willing to do the work to salvage the relationship and love you have for each other.
Here are some suggestions on how you can get started healing your relationship for the better:
If your sexless marriage is due to serious relationship issues
Consider seeing a marriage counselor
Depending on the length of your relationship, you may have some negative habits so deeply ingrained into your relationship that you may need a marriage counselor to help you work them out. For example, let's imagine that you have an issue with your spouse that you have been working through for the past four years. Bringing it up may address the issue, but this type of behavior is unlikely to change overnight. What happens when things don't change? You may become resentful towards each other, and things could revert back to the way they were before. Having a mental health expert present to facilitate the conversation can ensure that your communication remains productive.
Sit down with your partner and address what is not working
You may want to make some time to sit down and discuss what is not working in the relationship. For example, imagine that you have a sexless marriage because of your lack of time. Once you and your partner have both expressed this issue, you can write it down and figure out some ways to resolve it. Maybe you need to have a date night once a week and send the kids to a babysitter. Perhaps you need to leave work early a couple of days out of the week. There may be a workable solution to these problems. Consider finding ways to compromise and prioritize each other's needs.
Stick to your word
When you and your partner make commitments to each other, it may be important to follow through with what was agreed upon. Once you've sat down and come up with a plan on how to repair your marriage, you may want to stick to your word. Consider making an effort to build trust in your relationship and expect the same from your partner. This determination and follow-through can help you save your sexless marriage.
Spice things up a bit
You may not be able to pick up right where you left off when you start getting intimate with your partner again. Things may feel less comfortable than they used to, or you may not have the same type of passion as you did before things became less sexual. If this happens, you can try spicing things up in the bedroom. Maybe there are some fantasies that you and your partner have both been wanting to act on since you married. Perhaps there are some adult toys you could try that would make sex more pleasurable for the two of you. Whatever it is that gets you and your partner excited to get back into the bedroom again, consider pursuing that avenue and making sure that both of your needs are met. Remember to always engage in any sexual activity consensually, regardless of your relationship or marital status.
Give it time
If you haven't been sexually intimate for a long time, understand that your sex life may not be revived overnight, no matter how much you might want it to. To make a difference, you and your partner may have to practice patience. This may prove difficult, and there may be times when you want to give up on the marriage entirely. You may even find that your marriage isn't repairable in the long run. However, many people find that they can fix their marital problems and come out stronger than they were before with the right support.
If your sexless marriage is due to a medical condition
Speak with your doctor
Whether it is you or your partner dealing with a medical condition affecting your sex drive or your ability to have sex, it might be a good idea to speak with your doctor as soon as possible. There may be ways to adjust to medical conditions or medicinal side-effects that affect sex drive.
Speak with your partner
If you are dealing with a medical condition affecting your sex life, you may feel apprehensive about opening up to your partner about it. If your partner is dealing with a medical condition, they may feel insecure about their lack of performance. Consider sitting down to have a safe and friendly talk about the lack of sex in the marriage.
It may be best if this talk is non-confrontational and avoids placing blame on one person within the marriage. Consider setting these ground rules before talking with your partner:
Focus on intimacy and work around sex if it is not possible
If one partner cannot physically have sex anymore, it can be difficult for both partners to deal with. It is certainly much different than not having sex by choice. Still, sex and intimacy often go together. If you can't have sex in the same ways that you used to, it may be possible to find other ways to be physically intimate.
Even if you cannot have sex with each other due to a medical condition, you can maintain your closeness by doing other things that involve physical touch such as cuddling or taking baths together, for example.
Benefits of counseling
Trying to maintain a sexless marriage can cause issues long term. However, it may be possible to repair the marriage if both parties are willing to work to find that spark again. Perhaps you and your partner need help to get back to that place of passion and love.
There are barriers to traditional therapy for couples battling intimacy issues, though. For instance, one or both of you may be hesitant to talk about such personal matters in a clinical setting like a therapist’s office. In this case, you may find online counseling to be a viable alternative. This form of counseling can also be more convenient since you can skip the commute and access counseling services right from home.
Online counseling has been studied extensively with promising results. One recent study showed that couples therapy delivered online resulted in both mental health gains and increased relationship functioning.
Counserlor review
"Cris Roman saved my marriage. His approach to therapy taught my husband and I the skills we needed to change the way we communicated and the way we understood each other. He is very non-judgmental and helps each person make sense of the other's feelings and actions without taking sides or placing blame. His ability to make you feel heard while helping you to see and understand why your significant other is acting a certain way is phenomenal."
"My wife and I decided to give online couples counseling a go after finding traditional methods weren't all that suited to our busy working and parenting lifestyle. Our counselor Donna Kemp has been amazing! We both feel she's listened to us and given us the confidence to step out of our comfort zone to deal with problems that are easy to avoid. She is encouraging without being pushy. We've both responded very well to her and her methods and look forward to continuing with Donna. Highly recommend!"
Takeaway
You may find that navigating a marriage without intimacy is too much for you to handle alone.
The experienced therapists at Regain are here to help. Regain is an online relationship counseling platform dedicated to helping people save their relationships. Try it today!
Frequently asked questions (FAQs)
What percentage of sexless marriages end in divorce?
Marriage is one of the universal life experiences across the U.S., with more than 90 percent of people marrying at least once by the time they are 50 years old. But along with all of those marriages comes many divorces. An average of 40 to 50 percent of all marriages end in divorce these days, and for subsequent marriages, that rate is even higher. It is estimated that 15 to 20 percent of married people in the U.S. are in sexless marriages, though the divorce rate of these sexless marriages isn't known. The definition of a sexless marriage varies somewhat, but it is generally accepted to include people who rarely have sex or haven't had sex with their partner in 6 or more months.
How long do sexless marriages last?
It's no secret that intimacy is one of the keys to a healthy relationship. Yet, it is also one of the things many people put aside as long-term relationships progress to focus on other things, like growing their careers or their families. In general, married couples in a sexless relationship are less happy and are more likely to consider divorce than couples happy with their sex lives. There is no magic number that sexless marriages end at; it depends on the individual couple and whether or not they find other ways to connect to maintain a level of emotional intimacy.
Can a sexless marriage survive?
Divorce isn't a guarantee for every sexless marriage, according to sex therapist Celeste Hirschman. "A marriage can last long term without sex if both people are not bothered by the lack of sex in their lives. For some people, sex is not a particularly high priority. For others, it is quite high, just like any other activity."
A no-sex relationship can work for couples who both have low libido or are asexual. It can also work short-term for couples in which one partner is experiencing a health issue that temporarily reduces their desire or ability to have sex. Lastly, a marriage or relationship in which the couple values other aspects of their lives together often maintains their happiness despite a lack of sex. These can include couples that run a business together, are focused on raising their children, or enjoy the companionship or financial that their marriage gives them. Working toward goals can help alleviate many of the strains sexlessness can put on a marriage. No matter the situation, a sexless marriage only works when both partners agree about the role that sex plays in their relationship.
What happens in a marriage without intimacy?
A healthy relationship needs intimacy; physical and emotional intimacy go hand in hand in creating a solid, lasting relationship. If either form of intimacy begins to dwindle as a relationship progresses, one or both of the partners can end up feeling rejected, alone, undesirable, or disappointed. Intimacy is the glue that holds a relationship together, but it isn't the same for everyone. Some people may be perfectly happy with only having sex a few times a year, while others may desire it weekly. What matters is that both partners are happy with their level of intimacy. If one partner isn't happy, or even both, their marriage is unlikely to last in the long term.
What's the Number 1 reason for divorce?
The reasons that lead to divorce are often varied and different for each couple. However, the most common reasons cited by divorcing couples are growing apart and not being able to talk to their partner. These issues can be connected to a lack of emotional intimacy or communication with their partner.
How do you stay faithful in a sexless marriage?
Staying faithful is certainly something you should be doing if you are in a committed, monogamous relationship, but this can be difficult for people with a high sex drive in a sexless marriage. Some people in sexless relationships allow the partner with the high sex drive to seek sexual fulfillment elsewhere, but this solution won't be for everyone. If you're finding it difficult to be faithful to your partner, if you haven't made an effort to discuss the situation with them, now is the time. If they are open to trying to fix the relationship, you can address the issue of intimacy. If they are not open to changing anything, both of you should end the relationship before any infidelity occurs.
How do you fix a sexless marriage?
Fixing a sexless marriage first involves finding the reason for a sexless marriage to have begun in the first place. Did you recently have a child, or was either partner caught being unfaithful? Has either of you recently experienced a mental or physical health crisis? Does either partner have a low libido? Any of these occurrences can lead to a sexless relationship.
No matter what led to the lack of sex in a marriage or a relationship, there are some ways to help turn it around if both partners are willing to work. First, think back and decide if any events triggered the end of your sexual relationship. The key to fixing your sexless marriage is being able to talk openly and frankly about your issues and your concerns without judging, blaming, or shaming the other person. Once you're both on the same page about wanting to work on your relationship, here are three approaches you can take to work things out:
- Make time for date night.
Spending quality time alone together, without kids or other distractions, is one of the keys to a satisfying emotional relationship. Go out to dinner or the bar, or have a movie night alone. Try engaging in non-sexual physical activities, like cuddling or kissing, without expecting sex to be the outcome. This helps relieve the pressure and allows the two of you to let things progress naturally while still reestablishing your emotional connection.
- Give scheduled sex a try.
Sometimes the mood doesn't strike either of you on the spur of the moment. Scheduling sex may sound unromantic, but when sex has taken a back burner in your relationship, this can be a good way to work it back into your normal schedule. On nights it ends up being that one of you is too tired or stressed for sex; laying in bed cuddling and talking can still make great strides in reconnecting to your partner, making sex more natural over time.
- Find a sex therapist to talk to.
If you've been trying to work on your sex life for a few months with little success, it is time you consider consulting a sex therapist to discuss your issues. A therapist can help you dig deeper into the issues that led to no intimacy in marriage, as well as suggest ways that the two of you can reconnect and hopefully save your marriage.
Why is my marriage sexless?
Sometimes it can be difficult for one partner in a sexless marriage to understand why their sex lives have fizzled out. Many people rate their happiness with their marriage according to sex and sexual satisfaction, so losing that aspect of their relationship can often leave them feeling many negative feelings. Many things can lead to a sexless marriage, from emotional or physical health issues to having children to infidelity in the marriage. Figuring out the 'why' behind your lack of sex will be the key to working through the problem. Consulting with a marriage counselor or sex therapist can help both people in the relationship talk about their thoughts and feelings and find ways to work through the issues that led to the end of the sexual relationship.
Is a sexless marriage healthy?
How common is sexless marriage?
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