How Does Gottman Marriage Counseling Work And Can It Help My Relationship?

The Gottman Method often focuses on a concept referred to as The Sound Relationship House, which is generally made up of nine components. It normally consists of the two pillars of trust and commitment, as well as seven floors, which start with Build Love Maps and move through Share Fondness and Admiration, Turn Towards Instead of Away, The Positive Perspective, Manage Conflict, Make Life Dreams Come True, and Create Shared Meaning. The Gottman Method or Gottman marriage counseling can be helpful whether you’re navigating relationships, dating, or marriage. To find a Gottman therapist, you may connect with one online or in your local area.

What is the Gottman method?

The Gottman Method for Healthy Relationships, often called the Gottman Method for short, began as a collaboration between John and Julie Gottman. Both are trained psychologists and after many decades of research and practice, they were able to use a research-based approach to identify what they believed to be the essential aspects of healthy, lasting relationships John and Julie Gottman went on to eventually launch the Gottman Institute, home of the “Love Lab”—the first couples laboratory, which was opened in 1986.

Gottman-trained therapists host in-person and remote professional training events and workshops at the Gottman Institute to teach providers techniques and insights into challenges that often impact couples. The professionals training Gottman methods are themselves licensed therapists.
Upon completion of these courses, therapists can become Certified Gottman Therapists and apply to the Gottman Referral Network once they have at least completed Level Two Gottman Training.

One of the core features of Gottman marriage counseling is normally The Sound Relationship House, and this is where these essential parts of functioning marriages are compiled. The Sound Relationship House tends to be one of the things that makes this approach to marriage counseling unique.

Just like a real house, this concept creates a foundation and builds on it. Numbers one through seven can function as the first through seventh floors of the House, and the final two typically serve as pillars that keep everything held together. The goals of the House and therapy overall are generally to disarm conflicting verbal communication, increase intimacy, respect, and affection, remove barriers that create a feeling of stagnancy in conflicting situations, and create a heightened sense of empathy and understanding within the context of the relationship.

There are other concepts important to the Gottman Method, such as emotion coaching (the heart of parenting, according to the Institute), though love maps, shared fondness/admiration, responding to each other, seeing each other positively, managing conflict, and shared meaning are often considered more central.

Components of the Sound Relationship House

Next, you can learn about each of the nine marriage principles and why they are significant to achieving the goals of Gottman marriage counseling.

Build love maps

Building love maps normally refers to understanding your spouse’s “psychological world.” According to the Gottmans, this can mean knowing their life history, their worries, and what stresses them out, as well as what their joys and hopes are. This one is first because, without a basic understanding of your partner, it can be hard to build a foundation for a healthy, successful relationship. A lack of understanding can also be a major contributor to most marriage issues.

Share fondness and admiration

To reduce contempt in a marriage, there generally needs to be affection and respect between both partners. By expressing this, you can mutually create fondness and admiration. Results might not be instantaneous, and it will normally take persistence and effort on both parts, but these feelings can be improved gradually with time.

Turn towards instead of away

When placed in overwhelming situations, it can feel natural to want to run away from problems instead of addressing them head-on. Both partners may need to be open and upfront about their feelings and learn how to identify any “bids for connection” from their significant other, and how to respond to them appropriately.

The positive perspective

Similar to how people can have a natural tendency to want to avoid facing their problems, people can also become defensive when given any criticism. However, criticizing your spouse can be quite problematic. Instead, couples usually need to take a positive approach to solve the issues that come up in their relationship, rather than placing any blame on an individual.

Manage conflict

According to the Gottmans, conflict is normally a part of any healthy relationship, and it can have a positive function. Still, conflicts can also get out of hand, which may be why the Gottmans make the distinction between managing and resolving conflict. The Gottmans state that around 69% of all marriage problems may be perpetual ones, meaning that they will likely exist forever, whereas the other problems may be solvable. Therefore, most of the skills you learn will teach you how to manage the issues that will be there to stay.

Make life dreams come true

This part of The Sound Relationship House usually involves facilitating a healthy and encouraging environment for each other to openly discuss your hopes, values, and future aspirations.

Create shared meaning

This section of the House often refers to understanding important visions, narratives, myths, and metaphors about the relationship. This can involve some of the deeper meanings of the relationship and can also include what its legacy will be.

Trust

The first pillar or wall of the House is generally trust. This can be knowing that your partner always has your back and will support you. Trust can involve keeping your spouse’s best interests in mind and not just your own.

Commitment

The second pillar generally involves the notion that your relationship with this person will be a lifelong journey, no matter what happens. If things take a turn for the worse, you may both be committed to improving the relationship. It can also include cherishing your partner’s positive qualities, instead of focusing on any possible negative ones that they might have, either real or imagined.

If these two pillars become broken, it’s usually the result of one or more things going wrong in the first seven principles. Thankfully, by addressing them, you can rebuild trust and commitment by starting with the foundation. Couples can work on their sound relationship house from many locations, including at home during online Gottman therapy, in-person, or even at a couple’s retreat, such as the Gottman small-group two-day retreat offered on Orcas Island in Washington. The retreats Gottman offers can be a good opportunity to address challenges in a small setting.

What should I expect from Gottman marriage counseling sessions?

The Gottman Method can essentially be broken down into three phases – Assessment, Therapeutic Framework, and Therapeutic Interventions.

The first phase, Assessment, normally involves the therapist conducting interviews with both partners as well as completing questionnaires. This can allow the professional to learn about you and your spouse and what any potential problems might be.

Therapeutic Framework can be simply discussing how long and how frequent your sessions with your therapist will be.

Therapeutic Intervention is generally where the treatment begins and where the relationship will be strengthened. It can also provide you with a strategy for relapse prevention. Gottman therapy may take a considerable amount of time. If you’re short on time, you might want to consider finding a Gottman therapist who offers “marathon therapy” as a condensed format for couple’s therapy.

This structure may be what allows the Gottman Method to be one of the few scientific approaches to fixing marriage issues. With your Gottman couple’s therapist, you and your spouse will likely be able to practice the necessary communication skills to facilitate respect, fondness, and of course, trust and commitment.

Who is the Gottman method for? Does it work?

From the earliest relationships in which partners merely want to learn about each other to some of the more dysfunctional long-term ones, all couples may benefit from this type of marriage counseling. Even if you are on the verge of separation and things seem hopeless for your relationship, Gottman marriage counseling may be able to save your marriage if both partners are willing to put in the effort.

The John Gottman method for couple’s therapy is considered a research-based approach because it was developed by assessing over 3,000 cases’ worth of research and generally focuses on building relationship skills and problem-solving skills. This is likely what allows it to be one of the most diverse types of couple’s therapy around the world.

External research overviews show that the Gottman relationship approach can have a positive impact on marital issues. For example, it’s been shown that the Gottman Method couple’s therapy usually has a lasting impact on couples, which may prevent future marital conflict. In his TEDx Talk, John Gottman refers to this evidence as “The Science of Love.”

Find a Gottman marriage counselor online

It can be challenging to find a therapist who is trained to practice Gottman Method Couple’s Therapy in your local area, but you may be able to find someone through the Gottman Referral Network—The Gottman Referral Network (GRN) is a free resource for people looking for a Gottman-trained therapist in their area. Alternatively, trying online therapy can make it simpler. You may complete a questionnaire that empowers you to match with a therapist who meets your needs and preferences. Once matched, you may attend sessions from the comfort of your home at a time that works for you and your partner.

As this study explains, even those who felt hesitant about trying online couple’s therapy as opposed to face-to-face therapy found it to be an effective, beneficial, and positive experience. If you believe online Gottman marriage counseling may be helpful for you and your spouse, please don’t hesitate to reach out and get the help you deserve.