How To Rekindle A Marriage: Help For Those Rebuilding After Broken Trust

It's normal for those in relationships to face challenges and go through difficult times. But when trust is broken in a marriage, it reaches an entirely different level of "difficult." A break in trust brings on many emotions, and both parties might wonder if the marriage can and even should continue. And, even if you decide to try to stay together, you may be left wondering how to rekindle a marriage when there is no trust.

Re-establishing trust in a marriage is possible, but it may not be easy.

Causes of broken trust

When most people hear of broken trust within a marriage, they instantly think of an affair. However, there are numerous other things that can break trust in a marriage. And they don't have to be big things. Sometimes small things that are done repeatedly can slowly chip away at and eventually destroy the bond of trust. Here are some examples of situations that cause a break in trust:

• Lying about little things so your spouse won't get mad at you
• Making important decisions without consultation
• Spending money behind your spouse's back
• Talking with friends about personal matters between you and your spouse
• Any abuse, including verbal and emotional abuse
• Not following through on what you say you're going to do

As you can see, many things can break trust in a marriage.

If you or a loved one is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7.

Why trust is so important in marriage

Trust is the foundation for a successful marriage. Being able to trust someone is what allows you to believe the things that they say. For example, if they say, "I love you," but you don't trust them, then the words are meaningless.

Trust is believing that the other person is honest, reliable, and authentic. Trust is an asset in any relationship and one of the essential factors in sustaining and creating a happy and healthy marriage. So, what are you supposed to do when trust is broken?

How to rekindle a marriage by rebuilding trust

When trust is gone, a marriage can crumble. This can happen slowly, or it can happen with one swift action. If you choose to stay together after your marriage has reached this point, rebuilding trust is crucial to the process. Here are some tips to help:

Accept responsibility

If you have done something that broke trust within your marriage, you must take responsibility for your actions. This might not feel easy for you, but it's necessary. You need to prove to your spouse that you understand what you have done and know that you were wrong. If you refuse to take responsibility for your actions, then they have no reason to believe that anything will be any different in the future.

Be honest

It can be uncomfortable to admit to your partner that you've done something that's broken the trust between you. If you want to get past your transgression and repair your relationship, however, you need to be honest. Share the details of what you did. Be aware that once you do, they may have questions. You don't want to hurt them, but you need to be able to answer their questions honestly so you can start to rebuild the trust between you.

If you were the one who was hurt, you may want to ask questions to get all the details about what happened. However, think carefully about what details you need to know and which ones you don't. Getting too many details can cause you even more pain.

If being honest is a difficult process for you, you might want to consider seeking professional help to work through it.

Learn about forgiveness

As you work to rebuild trust, it's also important to work towards forgiveness. Many people get stuck in unforgiveness for a few different reasons:

• They believe forgiveness means reconciliation. If your spouse has hurt you, you may not want to forgive them because you don't want them to think that everything is OK and that you'll go back to the way things were before. This is a misconception.  things. Forgiveness leads to reconciliation, but it does not mean that you have to instantly trust the other person or jump right back into the marriage in the same way.
• They think they need to feel like forgiving their spouse. Forgiveness is not a feeling as much as we want it to be. It can eventually lead to a change in feelings, but it starts with a simple decision. However, it's still important that you have time to process before you try to jump into acting in forgiveness. This helps you to understand what you're forgiving your spouse for. You can choose to forgive even if you are still hurting.
• They think forgiveness means forgetting. If your spouse has hurt you, you're not going to forget about what they have done just because you choose to forgive them. If you think that forgetting is a requirement of forgiveness, it will make it hard for you to ever toward forgiveness.

Don't rush it

Even though trust is something that's quickly broken, it's not something that's quickly rebuilt. If you are the one that wronged the other, don't expect them to trust you again right away. You will have to show them over time that you are someone they can trust. Because they trusted you once and you broke it, it's going to be harder for you to gain their trust again.

If you are the one who has lost trust in your spouse, trusting them again is something that you can't fake. Know that it's going to take some time for it to happen, and that's OK. Please don't allow your spouse to pressure you into feeling like you have to trust them again quickly. You are the one that sets the timeframe.

Allow yourself to feel the emotions

There will be many emotions as you go through the process of rekindling a marriage, depending on which party in the marriage you are. If you're the person who caused the trust to be broken, you may experience feelings of shame, regret, sadness, and fear.

If your spouse is the one who broke your trust, you might feel betrayed, hurt, sad, and angry. Your feelings may jump from one thought to the next. Whatever feelings you may be experiencing, it's important to allow yourself to feel through them.

Do what you say

When you're trying to figure out how to rekindle a marriage, you must make sure you follow through on doing what you say you're going to. This is how you begin to rebuild trust. Ensure that you're not saying that you're going to do something if you don't intend to do it or if you're not sure. You might think that it's not a big deal, especially if it's a smaller thing that you're saying, but it all matters to your partner.

They listen to and watch everything you are doing to find proof that they can start to believe you again. That means if you say you're going to do something and don't do it, you are showing them you can't be trusted. Remember, the little things count. They will scrutinize everything you do during the rekindling process.

Online therapy for rekindling your marriage

Navigating how to rekindle your relationship when trust has been broken may be difficult to do on your own. It's easy for people to get stuck in the pain, shame, and other emotions they are experiencing. They are hard to overcome. This is when an outside opinion can be helpful. But not all opinions and advice are the same.

If you turn to family and friends, they are likely to want to support you. While this seems like a good thing, it can often keep you from moving forward. Instead of helping you learn how to move forward, they may take your side and encourage your hurt feelings. They may even bad-mouth your partner for what they've done and tell you not to forgive them. This, however, is not their decision to make.

When you believe you may need outside help, talking to a therapist may be exactly what you need, whether you talk to them alone or as a couple. A therapist is an outside entity that won't take sides in your relationship and is there for both of you in your time of need. 

Many times, in-person therapy isn't an option. It can be expensive, difficult to schedule, and there may not be a good therapist in your area. In this case, you might consider online therapy. It often costs less than in-person therapy, and you'll have access to a wide range of therapists to choose from.

Regain is an online therapy platform where you can work with a therapist on your own or with your partner. Once you're matched with a suitable counselor, you can meet at a time that fits everyone's schedule. Regain counselors can teach you strategies to help you process your emotions, re-establish trust, and move forward healthily. They're able to help you with communication in your marriage and any other marriage issues that you might be facing as you work on re-establishing trust.

When trust is broken in your relationship, the road to rekindling your marriage won't be easy, but it is possible. With the right steps, you can have a stronger marriage than you ever had before.