How To Talk Marriage When You're Non-Monogamous And Monogamy Sets The Rules

What does it mean to be non-monogamous? Monogamy has historically described finding one mate and sticking with that mate for life. Traditionally, this was the only socially acceptable route to having sex for humans in the Western world. Non-monogamy refers to the concept of having multiple sexual partners or simply not committing to have sexual relations with only one person. This form of ethical non-monogamy involves consent from both parties. It is similar to a polyamorous relationship that has open marriage rules for them to work.

Since the mid-20th century, the idea that sex, procreation, and marriage must be inextricably linked has changed. Even people who still subscribe to more traditional practices surrounding relationships and marriage have come to accept much looser social constraints on what is acceptable.

But that doesn’t mean that having a more casual sexual philosophy excludes you, or any of your partners, from wanting to participate in marriage. It's possible to commit to a primary partner long-term, even if you each have other partners. The landscape of who is or is not getting married, whom they are marrying, and why is changing.

How to talk marriage when you’re non-monogamous

Deciding whether or not to get married and how the logistics would play out when you're in a non-monogamous relationship is not all that different from the decision to get married for a monogamous couple. You need to define what each partner needs from the other, determine how you plan to meet those needs, and establish boundaries for what behaviors are and are not acceptable and expected.

It is important to note that you need not set these plans and boundaries in stone; simply agree upon them at the time and for the duration of their applicability. Like individuals, relationships grow and change; what was agreed upon at one point can evolve along with the relationship as long as the parties involved are aware and consenting to these changing dynamics, roles, and boundaries.

The importance of communication in a non-monogamous relationship

You've heard that open and honest communication is vital to a healthy and happy relationship. But when you and your partner are consensually non-monogamous, certain traditional assumptions do not hold. Rather than assuming that your partner is not having sex with anyone but you, discussions are required for communicating under what circumstances it is okay for your partner to engage in other sexual or emotional relationships.

And if you and one of your partners are planning to get married, then those topics need to be discussed again to ensure you understand whether a marriage would change anything about those arrangements. Ideally, consensually non-monogamous couples keep an open line of communication about their other partners throughout the relationship and marriage.

They can then decide that within their relationship, it is acceptable to engage in sexual acts with people other than each other as long as they keep each other informed about such instances.

Conversely, they might be comfortable with the idea of their partner being sexual with other people, but they do not want to know about it and are more comfortable with an out-of-sight, out-of-mind approach. In this instance, they could decide they are free to do what they want, but if they begin developing a more emotional or romantic connection to someone outside the relationship, they should put this information on the table. Then their partner can communicate that the person is no longer someone that it is acceptable to have sex with or even communicate with at all.

The combinations are plentiful, but one thing stays the same: open, honest communication is essential, and all the more so than in a traditional monogamous relationship because of the added variable factors (people, feelings, boundaries, etc.) If this is done well, an open relationship may grow into a marriage wherein the same principles apply.

The added challenges of a non-monogamous marriage

A person's ability to love multiple people or enjoy the companionship of multiple people can be vast. But each person's time and resources are limited. Especially if your marriage involves children or will in the future, you and your partner need to discuss how your time spent with other partners will be divided up. How much time is appropriate for you to spend together, with the children, and with other partners?

Any time spent with one person (or a given group of people) or in one place is inherently time not spent with other people in other places. This is an issue in monogamous relationships. Balancing time between a partner, working, spending time with other friends and family, spending time with hobbies, and so on. Many couples find this balance and make it work even if it is not ideal, but many monogamous couples do not find this balance. The more people you add, the more difficult it becomes to achieve this balance in a way that works for everyone involved.

Money is another topic that you should discuss before anyone enters marriage. Monogamous or not, marriage will change the dynamics of the role of finances. But the conversation is a little different when you're non-monogamous. How much money does each partner have available for dates with other partners?

There may be discretionary accounts, prenuptial conditions, or other caveats, but generally speaking, the conversation stems from either starting point.

General tips for non-monogamy 

If you haven't yet recognized the pattern, all of the issues that require work for a monogamous marriage to succeed are made more delicate. These things arise from the clashing of personalities, needs, and desires, so it only makes sense that adding people into the equation with these variables complicates achieving balance.

If you and your partner decide to get married and continue a non-monogamous relationship, you can use these tips to guide your marriage.

Expect the unexpected

While everything mentioned here can make it seem like there is no upside to engaging in this type of relationship, that isn't necessarily the case. For sure, non-monogamous relationships are not for everyone, but for those who want to take on the task, as the issues can be more complex, it can also offer benefits that are not possible through monogamy. Either way, the additional variables create unpredictability. If you stay open to the benefits and proactive regarding potential disadvantages, your chances of experiencing varied happiness, pleasure, and fulfillment are undoubtedly possible.

Understand compersion

Compersion is often defined as the opposite of jealousy, and it's a good thing to learn regardless of whether your marriage is monogamous or non-monogamous. You can feel happy about the things your partner does without you. And you can discuss them with your partner as a way to bond with each other rather than a potential topic of argument.

Understand that jealousy may happen

Most people sometimes feel jealous, which usually indicates that it's time to open up communication with your partner to ensure your needs are met. Sometimes just talking about it will help you overcome your jealous feelings, and sometimes the two of you will need to agree on a different solution.

Online therapy for those in a non-monogamous or monogamous relationship 

You and your partner can learn better communication and problem-solving strategies by talking to a professional relationship counselor. If you are ready to talk to someone but don’t like the idea of having to find someone local and commute to an office, online therapy is a great option.

The efficacy of online therapy 

When you sign up for online therapy, you are matched with an available therapist to start treatment immediately. You can attend therapy from the comfort of your home or anywhere you have an internet connection, and you can communicate with your therapist via video, text, or phone. Research shows that online therapy is effective for couples. One study concluded that “Couples consistently described being able to effectively connect with the therapist, and that the video enhanced the therapeutic alliance, due to a greater perceived focus on therapy processes.” Contact Regain to get started.

Takeaway

Marriage when you’re non-monogamous can be a complex topic to talk about, but as long as you are open and honest with your partner, you can navigate the challenges together. If you need more help, speak to a therapist online.