I Am Married And Lonely: Why Do I Feel This Way And How Can I Stop It?

When you got married, you anticipated never having to feel lonely again. After all, you now have a partner you love and cherish. Even so, do you find yourself with a sense of longing? Do you wonder how you could be in a relationship and still feel lonely? You might be surprised to find out that this can happen all too often in marriages. 

Technically, you both still live under the same roof, and you may still sleep in the same bed each night. Even so, you feel incredibly distant and lonely, despite being close to your partner in proximity. You may have even considered having an affair or outright leaving the marriage to quell the loneliness. Thankfully, this is one of the most common and treatable marriage issues, and this article will discuss why you and your spouse may feel disconnected and what you can do to start feeling close again—and avoid making a potential mistake.

Why do I feel so lonely?

Like many marriage issues that couples face, loneliness is caused by an emotional disconnect and isolation. Contrary to what many people think, marriage will not prevent these feelings from arising. In fact, studies show that around a third of older adults have reported loneliness while being married and living together. Many married people don't recognize the work that needs to go into maintaining closeness with their partner.

As mentioned before, you and your spouse can both be physically present and talking to each other, but internally feel as if you're  far apart. Over time, your interactions with each other can become routine, and conversations can be entirely transactional. Rather than calling to say "I love you" or to talk about things that you both enjoy, these interactions become ones such as "Did you pay the water bill and take out the garbage?" or "You're picking up the kids from school today."

In addition to not having mutually enjoyable conversations anymore, many couples will discover that they have grown to have completely different values from each other, which may be a shift from the beginning of the marriage. It's possible to miss this type of shift if you seldom share your feelings with each other. This can lead to disagreements and even arguments, which can become more and more frequent because you both don't know how to be mindful of each other's emotions and resolve things productively.

Even if you both still sleep in the same bed, these emotional issues can also be the primary cause of intimacy issues in marriages. If couples aren't showing affection to another, this can create that feeling of loneliness for one or both of you.

All these changes don't happen suddenly—the development of loneliness is a gradual process, which can take years to appear. Eventually, some people may notice some of the signs of growing apart, such as the examples mentioned earlier. Others might not realize it until things seem to be getting out of hand.

The consequences of loneliness

If you're reading this article, you may be experiencing the effects of loneliness on your marriage.  You may be starting to wonder what you can do.

It's a given that loneliness makes us feel alone; however, numerous other feelings can branch out from this one. Instead of there being a team effort to take care of things at home and plenty of time spent together, you both may begin to feel like you are separate entities in the marriage and doing your own thing. 

Being married and lonely can also change how you feel about yourself. You may start to feel like you are no longer cared about or that your spouse is no longer interested in you. You may also feel like you are not receiving any positive attention from your spouse, such as compliments. It is also common for people experiencing loneliness in marriage to compare their relationships to others who seem happier.

Because it's natural to dread criticism and possible rejection, it is possible to become hypersensitive in anticipation of negative feelings. This can cause people to become overly defensive, distant, and sometimes even hostile. 

Although this response is designed to cope with or avoid emotional pain, it can also cause a rift between you and your spouse, perhaps even push them away. Additionally, while positive reinforcement may seem to be rare in your relationship, it's also worth noting that when you become preoccupied with the emotions that come with feeling lonely, you may miss out on possible signs of acceptance without realizing it.

Essentially, because you are responding to the perception that your partner is indifferent towards the marriage, you can also become the same way. You may both start becoming sarcastic, cold, mean, and annoyed at each other when communicating, and this can inevitably lead to arguments, often over the pettiest things. Some lonely individuals will try to argue on purpose because they feel that this is the only way that their partner will give them any sustained attention. 

While intimacy issues are common in lonely marriages, it is not always the case. Sex can still be present in the relationship, but it can still make us feel sad and angry because of the lack of emotional connection in the activity. It becomes more like a routine or a way to appease your spouse. Ultimately, it just ends up making you feel detached and feeling alone in a relationship.

A lack of intimate contact can certainly be a possibility when one or more partners are feeling lonely, but even when hugging, kissing, or sex is still a part of the relationship, people who feel alone may still consider having an affair, or at the very least try talking to someone else because they lack the attention they need at home. 

How can I stop feeling lonely and fix my marriage?

There isn't usually a single piece of advice that can resolve loneliness in a relationship, but trying different possible solutions to see what helps may be the best strategy. 

Talk to your partner (without arguing!)

For most of those who struggle with feeling lonely in their relationship or in their marriage, an emotional disconnect may be the primary cause of it, and communicating with your spouse can be the first step to feeling closer again.

Even though they might seem cold and distant, there is a good chance that your partner feels lonely as well. Take the initiative and speak to them first, instead of waiting for things to happen on their own.

Try to have heart-to-heart conversations that are not purely transactional and try to listen to each other's thoughts and be constructive. Don't expect them to be warm and friendly right away, but over time and with effort on both your parts, you will hopefully see improvement. 

Be okay with feeling vulnerable

As mentioned earlier in this article, some individuals in a marriage may shut themselves off and become distant because they are afraid of rejection and criticism from their spouse. While this can make you feel safe, it also closes you off from your partner, and they don't know what you're thinking.

If you don't talk about the issues that are bothering you, your spouse can't help you. Therefore, as unsafe as it might seem, you will need to  bring your thoughts and feelings to the table. 

Keep in mind that the risk of a tense conversation is a possibility, but if you stay honest and upfront, you are doing your part. Once again, If he or she isn't cooperating right away, it's okay, and you shouldn't fret. However, if you've tried already on your own, it might be time to seek help from a professional.

Consider couples counseling

Marriage therapists are trained to help couples overcome any issues they are facing, which, the majority of the time, can stem from emotional and communication problems. Therefore, you will both be learning strategies to help improve these aspects of your marriage.

In a couple's counseling session, you both will learn how to communicate with each other more effectively and consider each other's point of view. You will also be able to diffuse tension if it happens to arise. In the process, you will be creating understanding and trust and hopefully become close again. 

Work through loneliness in online therapy

If you are interested in receiving marriage help, don't put it off until it's possibly too late. Common issues in relationships like loneliness are fixable but might require assistance if you don't see results on your own.

At Regain, licensed and professional marriage therapists are available online to help you and your spouse have the best relationship possible by learning the skills mentioned above. Online sessions are convenient and affordable and offer a stress-free way of getting the help that you both deserve.

Many couples have worked through communication and other marriage issues using online therapy. Online therapy can be flexible and allow for both solo and partner work. No matter where you and your partner are located, you can find an online therapist to work with.

Takeaway

If you're feeling stuck and don't know how to rekindle the emotions that were once in your marriage, you don't have to wait any longer; talk to a professional! The sooner you resolve the issues in your marriage, the more days you can have spending time together and enjoying each other's company. By putting what you learn into practice, you won't need to be married and lonely any longer.