“I Feel Like I Hate My Wife”: Addressing Resentment In A Relationship
Maybe you've been married to your wife for five years, or maybe you’ve been married for 25. No matter how long it’s been, sometimes, there may come a point where your feelings towards her seem to have shifted and the love you once felt has faded. Some marriages may even reach the point where you feel as though you might hate or resent your spouse.
If you have found yourself feeling this way, what's next? Some couples might decide to throw in the towel and get divorced. Others might want to try to rekindle the love they once shared. But figuring out how to make a change if you’re feeling such negative things towards your spouse can be challenging. Here, we’ll offer a few suggestions for how to move forward.
“I feel like I hate my wife”: What to do?
If you are feeling like you hate your wife at this point, consider trying some of the suggestions below:
Identify your true feelings
To start, it may be helpful to try to dig in and really reflect on your feelings. Hate is a strong feeling. Is what you are feeling really hate? Can you pinpoint why you are feeling the way you do? What thoughts come up when you think about your wife? Are you angry at her for something specific, or is it a more general feeling? Try to really investigate your thoughts and emotions to get a clearer sense of what might be going on. You may find that you are actually feeling frustrated, overlooked, hurt, belittled, or something else besides pure hate. Discovering more about these thoughts and feelings may help you figure out how to move forward.
Have a conversation with your wife
After you’ve done some reflection on what you’re feeling, it may make sense to bring your concerns to your wife. This may depend on the situation and your relationship, but if, for example, you are feeling like she does not value your opinion, you may want to express that concern to her. Or if you feel like she is taking you for granted, you can express that to her. It is possible she may have her own concerns about the relationship, so you can use this as an opportunity to listen to each other’s perspectives and work together to try to figure out how to strengthen the relationship. That said, while honesty can be very important, it is likely not a good idea to tell her that you “hate” her—this is a very strong sentiment and can be very hurtful. Try to be mindful of her feelings as you express your concerns.
Consider couples therapy
If you are grappling with intensely negative feelings toward your wife, it can be useful to seek additional support in navigating this situation to get at the root of the issue and find ways to address it. You can seek counseling on your own, or you can ask your wife to attend couples counseling with you.
If your negative feelings toward your partner are very strong, you and your partner may prefer to take some physical time apart, while still hoping to work on the relationship. With online therapy through Regain, you and your partner can join the same therapy session from different locations, so you don’t have to be in the same physical place if you don’t want to.
Research has found online therapy to be an effective option for couples experiencing relationship distress. One such study concluded that an online couples therapy program was “effective in significantly improving both relationship and individual functioning.”
Plan more date nights
When you first started dating your wife, you likely went on dates regularly. It could have been a few nights a week or just once a week, but you likely both put forth effort in getting to know one another. It was exciting and new. However, over time, maybe life and other responsibilities have gotten in the way, leaving little time for romance. This can be a common occurrence in many relationships.
It’s possible that some of your negative feelings toward your wife could stem from feeling disconnected from her and like there is little romance or intimacy in your relationship anymore. If this might be the case in your relationship, try to make an effort to plan more date nights. These don’t have to be extravagant events—you could even choose to do a date night at home—but putting in the intentional effort and focusing on each other may make a big difference. Allow yourselves to get to know each other again by dating each other. You might be surprised at the results.
Start a new hobby together
Have you found that the things you used to enjoy with your wife are no longer enjoyable? Maybe it was a hobby that you've grown out of or grew tired of. Maybe she lost interest in it, so you no longer have that connection. It could be that neither of you has time for it anymore. Whatever the case, starting a new hobby with your wife can create a space where you can connect over something different.
You might try hiking, dance classes, or start painting. If you are unsure of what hobby to start, you could try something new once or twice a month and see what sticks. One new hobby can open up several new doors for you. You might find yourself reading and discussing books on the topic, planning getaways to experience your new hobby in a new place, or expanding your knowledge together in various ways. By developing your new interests together, you might begin to feel closer and make strides in improving your marriage.
Consider making changes in yourself
If you are feeling very unhappy in your marriage, you may also consider turning your reflection inwards. In some cases, it may be worth asking yourself if there is perhaps some other internal reason why you might be feeling so negatively toward your wife. That said, it is important to note that this does not apply if you are in a relationship with a toxic or abusive partner.
If you or a loved one is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7.
However, if you are in a healthy relationship with a good partner, you may consider whether your negative feelings towards her could have some other explanation. For instance, are you feeling frustrated and unfulfilled in your work? Or are you feeling down about yourself and perhaps taking it out on her? Are you feeling constantly stressed and on-edge, and you seem to snap at the slightest inconvenience? If any of these or similar concerns seem to be at play, you may want to consider how you can address them. You could try various self-care strategies such as meditation, yoga, and exercise; you could consider seeking out a more fulfilling career; and you could meet with a therapist individually to work through your concerns.
Takeaway
Relationships can go through highs and lows, and at some point, some people may feel that the love they once felt for their partner has been replaced with hate or resentment. If this is something you’re feeling, you can consider some of the suggestions above to help you move forward. For additional support with navigating relationship concerns, you can meet with a relationship counselor online.
Frequently asked questions (FAQ)
What should I do if I feel like I hate my wife?
If you feel like you hate your wife, you can try to work through the issues that may be causing these feelings before saying “good riddance” to your relationship. You can try to focus on making changes to your marriage or attending counseling with your partner to work through the causes of your emotions. You could potentially start a new hobby to spend time doing different things together or begin going on date nights with each other again. In a marriage, it can sometimes be easy to forget the things that made you fall in love with your spouse in the first place.
You may also consider having a conversation with your partner. Take a moment to sit down with your wife and talk about your concerns. Some guys might try to avoid confrontation, but your wife can’t guess what’s on your mind. She might have no idea you’ve been feeling unhappy in your marriage. Or perhaps she’s been noticing changes in your behavior recently and has been waiting for you to open up. If she’s willing to hear you out, it’s not impossible to deal with the challenges in your marriage together. You might find that you don’t truly “hate” your wife but may be experiencing marital problems that cause unhappiness in your life. You might even find that your emotional distress is caused by other aspects of your life, like your job, finances, or a recent traumatic event.
What do you do when you feel negatively toward your wife's family?
Many people have conflicted feelings about their in-laws. If you find yourself hating your wife's family, it may help to try to understand the reason. Is it because you feel misunderstood by them? If they don't get you, it could become frustrating to communicate with them. Or maybe you feel like an outsider in the family. Or perhaps you feel like you have to prove something to your wife’s parents.
The best way to handle this situation and move forward will vary from one person and family to the next, but it may be helpful to try to understand the reason, cautiously broach the subject with your partner, and try to find ways to work through it together. Perhaps you might feel more comfortable if you had a chance to get to know them more, or perhaps you’d feel better if you established clear boundaries with them. If you hope to have a better relationship with your in-laws and need support, meeting with a couples therapist may help you decide the right thing to do in your situation.
What is silent divorce?
A “silent divorce” occurs when a couple stays legally married, despite not having an emotional or physical attachment to keep their relationship going anymore. It’s called a silent divorce because the love and connection that once bound the couple together disappears, but they choose to remain husband and wife in the legal sense. A silent divorce can happen for several reasons. Some couples might choose to stay together to focus on raising their kids. Some might stay for financial reasons, especially if only one spouse has a job. Others might be waiting to get a divorce because they want to avoid dealing with the legal complications of the divorce process, such as discussions about children, money, the house, and other assets.
Is it better to stay in an unhappy marriage?
Staying in an unhappy marriage can make things worse for both sides, but it’s up to the person to decide if they should still stay. Some people might choose to stay with their husband or wife regardless of their behavior because they’re waiting in the hope that the marriage will someday be as happy as it was in the past. Others might stay after they fall out of love because they don’t want to hurt their children and have them live life in a family with divorced parents.
If you’re struggling to make a decision and the situation is causing you emotional distress, consider talking to a marriage counselor. You’re the only person who can decide whether finally leaving your spouse is the right thing to do, but a professional can offer sound advice and help you deal with the problems in your life and marriage. If you do decide to stay with your husband or wife, keep in mind that it may take longer than a week or a month to repair your relationship. Rebuilding intimacy in an unhappy marriage takes a lot of focus and effort from both partners.
Why do I feel resentful toward my spouse?
Resentment in relationships isn’t uncommon, and it can happen because of different reasons. Possible causes of resentment include betrayal, trust issues, a lack of respect, unaddressed hurt, and poor communication. You might find yourself feeling like you hate your spouse or are tired of them, even though they were the most important person in your life at one point. A husband might resent his wife for comparing him to other men or saying he doesn’t act like a “real man.” A woman might resent her husband because she feels like she’s being taken for granted. Some people might feel like their marriage changed after having children. Regardless of the reason, it’s important to address resentment before it causes long-term damage to the relationship. Letting resentment fester can also have physical effects such as anxiety, sleep issues, and eating problems.
One way to overcome resentment is to communicate with your spouse honestly. Having difficult conversations doesn’t feel good, but it’s important to talk to them and tell them the truth about how you’ve been feeling. If you’ve just had a fight, take a moment to rest and cool your head before you talk. Waiting until you’re in the right mind to focus on your spouse can help you avoid saying stuff you might regret, like calling them “crazy” or saying that you hate them. Regardless of how hurt you were or who was in the wrong during the fight, communicate with respect and hear each other out.
Who can I talk to if I feel like I hate my wife?
If you feel like you hate your wife, consider having a calm conversation with her about your feelings. Try not to forget that she’s a woman you once loved with your whole heart. It’s likely that she’s willing to hear you out and work through things with you, but she can’t guess what’s going on in your head. If your wife asks you questions about your emotions, answer them honestly. If you need to talk to someone outside your own house, you can reach out to your family and friends. If your best friend is someone you trust to give sound advice, talk to them about the stuff you’ve been going through in life. You can also seek professional help from a counselor or therapist.
Questions to ask your therapist about negative feelings in a relationship
How can my wife and I work through conflict?
Can therapy help me work through negative feelings about my relationship?
What is the walkaway wife syndrome?
How do you know when your marriage has run its course?
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