“I Want To Leave My Husband”: 30 Considerations When Weighing Divorce

When your marriage comes to the point where all you can think of is leaving, you might wonder how to tell your husband that you want a divorce. If you’re already making solid plans for leaving your husband, it can be crucial to consider an exit strategy, your own finances, and monthly expenses. After all, you’ve built a life together, and many things can change once you leave. For many people, the prospect of a separation or divorce process can be a wake-up call for reflecting on what could happen if issues are left unresolved and unchanged. When leaving your husband, it can be a confusing and emotional time, but sorting through everything systematically can help you consider your future well-being.

“I want to leave my husband”: Considerations while making the decision

Perhaps you have already decided to end your marriage and are ready to head out the door. To make things easier on yourself (and any children you have), it can spare you anxiety and expense if you spend time considering these points and taking action as needed for your situation.

Are your finances in order?

If possible, save money ahead of time, open a separate bank account if you don’t already have one, and make sure you are clear about your monthly expenses and what they will be after your departure. Having a separate bank account in your name for checking as well as a savings account can help with budgeting when you are on your own. Also, be sure to gather important documents and build your own credit. If you already have a separate account for credit, checking your credit report can help you see where you stand financially for renting an apartment or buying a car.

Do you have a good job or job skills?

In order to thrive on your own, you need to be able to support yourself and any children you have. If you don’t currently have a job that can do that, it can be important to find a different job or develop more marketable skills. If you have minimal job experience, talking to a guidance or career counselor or a knowledgeable friend or relative can help you get direction.

What is your plan for your children?

Divorce experts say that, if possible, couples should try to tell the kids together about a divorce. Having this conversation with your children can be a delicate and important part of leaving. Spend time talking to your spouse about presenting a united front when you tell them what’s going on. Take time to think through how and when to do it in a way that is likely to cause the least stress for the children. Consider contacting a family therapist to help them with their emotions during this often-difficult process.

Custody issues can be a major concern in any breakup that involves children. Think about this issue carefully and consult a lawyer and a relationship counselor to work through your options. In most cases, breaking up mean that you and your former partner will still need to be a team when it comes to raising your children. Think about whether it will be hard or easy to co-parent with your spouse or if you will need to work with a family counselor.

Do you have copies of documents and records?

As you make plans to leave, try to keep written records of everything, including receipts, letters, emails, and text messages between you and your spouse. In addition, when you are not feeling as emotional, making a list of joint and separate property can make splitting up easier when you finally talk to your significant other. In addition, although it can be time consuming and seem like a trivial matter, having these records can be vital if you go through a divorce.

Preparing to leave your spouse

Have you talked to a family lawyer or a divorce lawyer?

A family lawyer or divorce attorney can help you as you plan to leave and after you move out if you go ahead with a divorce or separation. Free and low-cost legal advice is available in many areas. Getting in touch in advance with someone familiar with family law can save you heartache and money later on. A specialist in family law or a divorce lawyer can also help you understand custody and child support issues before you pack up and go.

Do you have a place to go if you leave?

If you leave, it can be crucial to have somewhere to live. Spending some quiet alone time thinking through where you will stay can reduce anxiety. You might get an apartment or house of your own if you have the financial means to do so. If you don’t have the resources now, you might want to save up money over time and leave later. If you’re experiencing violence, you might choose to go to a women’s shelter or talk to friends or family about staying with them for a while. 

When is the best time to tell your spouse?

Some people leave a marriage without saying anything to their spouse. For those who are in a dangerously abusive relationship, leaving without talking to the spouse might be the only safe way to get out. However, in many situations, having a conversation with your spouse once you have everything in place can be a crucial step in leaving and especially important when children are involved. If your wife or husband refuses to accept your decision, having a place to stay and financial considerations already set up gives you options to get out anyway.

Getting support during the separation

Do you have a support network in place?

Leaving a spouse is almost always difficult, no matter how much you prepare. Think carefully about which family or friends you can confide in and look to for emotional support. Consider enlisting the assistance of a therapist, especially if you don’t have family or friends to help you through this, and even if you do. A therapist can offer professional guidance that others may not be able to. Online therapy can be a convenient way to get support during a divorce or separation.

Is there physical abuse in the relationship?

Being in an abusive relationship is always a compelling reason to leave. If you are experiencing interpersonal violence or other abuse with your spouse, it’s crucial to get out in way that is safe for you and your family. 

Assessing your desire to end your marriage

Leaving a marriage can be a major decision. If this is your first marriage, there might be things about being married that you didn’t consider before tying the knot and could resolve with the right help. If you haven’t fully decided to leave, it might be helpful to consider the following points about your marriage to see if it’s possible to stay together.

Are there positive aspects of the relationship? 

If you’re thinking about leaving your relationship, your mind may be filled with negative thoughts about the other person. Chances are, there was a time when you were happy together. Even if you are extremely angry now, you may still be able to see something good in the relationship. It can be scary to see the good side when you’re thinking of leaving. Yet, it can help you make a more informed decision and prevent regrets later.

What are the challenges in your marriage?

If you feel like you want to leave, it’s likely there are problems in the relationship. If you’re going to make such a big decision, it can be important to have more than a general sense that things aren’t quite right between the two of you. Take some time to consider exactly what it is that is bothering you. If you leave and get married again, this process can help with a second marriage.

Who are you as an individual?

Knowing yourself is important but it can be even more critical when you want to leave a marriage. You’ll face new challenges every day, whether you continue in the relationship or end it. Getting in touch with who you are can give you more tools for succeeding in either scenario.

Have you or your spouse been unfaithful?

Infidelity can be a difficult thing for any married person to overcome. If one of you has cheated on the other, one solution may be to seek help from a relationship expert. Once you have lost trust in someone, it can be very hard to get it back. However, many couples can continue a broken-trust relationship after working with a marriage therapist.

Do you disagree about money?

Financial disputes are one of the leading causes of divorce. They influence whether you meet your most basic physical needs and your most cherished goals. Behind arguments about money, there are often many different emotions such as fear, shame, and envy. Solving these problems may involve taking financial management courses and working out power struggles with a counselor if you decide to stay.

Have you lived through a traumatic event together?

Living through a traumatic event together can make or break a relationship. One example is when a child passes away, whether suddenly or expectedly. In shock and disbelief, the two partners may blame each other for the loss. They might cope with the loss in their own ways, and those two different ways might not be compatible. It may take the help of a couple’s therapist to get their marriage back together.

Are you bored with each other?

Sometimes the world outside a marriage seems bright and shiny, while the inner world of a marriage seems dull and lifeless. This is not an uncommon problem, but couples that stay together often find ways to overcome boredom. A marriage counselor can help you find ways to reignite the passion you once felt.

Do you have the same values?

People with slightly different values and beliefs can usually support each other more effectively than those who have opposite ones. Your differences might be too great to overcome. Yet, in many cases, couples can find common ground while disagreeing on some important things.

What drew you together at first?

Take a moment to think back to your first encounters with you partner. Have one or both of you changed? Or can you still find the qualities that impressed you then? Thinking back to what may have gone wrong can help you make a plan to make things right again if you want to give the marriage another chance.

What have you enjoyed doing together?

Quality time can be essential in any marriage. If you haven’t been planning to spend any time together lately, this could explain your lack of connection with your partner. See if making a plan for intentional time together helps reignite a spark in your relationship.

Determining whether the relationship can still be saved

What have you accomplished as a couple?

Have you bought a home? Raised a family? Saved up in a joint account for something you could enjoy together? All these accomplishments show that you were once able to work together and reach a mutual goal. Can you get back to being a couple that’s part of a team and goes after what they want? 

Where have you traveled together?

The places you’ve gone together may always remind you of your marriage. If you decide to work on the marriage, you may want to revisit some of these places. However, be aware of effect these places might have on you as you move forward. Revisiting a place with a lot of history can be emotionally intense.

What have you dreamed of doing side by side?

Even those dreams that weren’t fulfilled can create happy memories. If there are things you have always dreamed of accomplishing with your partner, consider if you’d be willing to let them go. Some dreams may be easier to let go of than others, and your relationship itself may be something you never imagined disappearing. 

What are your happiest memories?

Right now, you might want to push aside all the happy memories you have with your partner. Even if you do leave, knowing that there were positive times and happy memories can make you feel less bitter and cheated by the relationship. If possible, ending the relationship amicably may allow both partners to heal with more ease. 

Do you spend a lot of energy trying to avoid unpleasant things?

Leaving a marriage can be a difficult decision. It typically takes a lot of courage, and as you move forward, there are specific actions you’ll need to take if you proceed, and some of them can be unpleasant. For example, going through the divorce process can be an expensive emotional rollercoaster. If it’s hard for you to think through unpleasant things on your own, talking to a counselor could help. It can be important to prepare yourself for these challenging steps should you proceed with leaving your husband. 

Do you feel comfortable spending time alone?

An intense fear of being alone can keep you in an unhappy, unhealthy marriage. If you dislike being alone, it can not only be hard to end your relationship, but to be an equal partner. Many of these problems can be worked out with a counselor. Learning to be comfortable with being alone can be an important aspect of being able to stand on your own two feet, particularly if you end up leaving your spouse.

What happens when one of you is angry?

There’s nothing inherently wrong with feeling or expressing anger. Greater Good Magazine says that “anger is in itself neither good nor bad – it’s what you do with it that matters.” The way you and your spouse treat each other when you’re angry can speak volumes about the health of your relationship. That could mean either working on your relationship or ending it.

Do you respect each other’s boundaries?

Even in the closest relationships, each person needs boundaries. It can also be essential for each spouse to respect the boundaries set by their partner. When a loved one lets you down too often, you may start to lose respect for them. If you choose to work on this problem, a counselor can help you rebuild respect and establish healthy boundaries.

Is there a gap in your communication that could be fixed?

Communication can be a vital aspect of any relationship and being unable to talk with one another could lead to an unhappy marriage. If you feel disconnected from your spouse, a relationship counselor can help you learn how to interact with each other more effectively, express your feelings more clearly, and listen more thoughtfully. 

Have you stopped showing concern for each other?

If either you or your partner have stopped showing concern for each other, it’s understandable why you might feel like leaving. A marriage that has reached this point could make you feel like leaving is the only option. However, with the right help, you might be able to learn how to express concern for each other in ways that are meaningful for both you and your partner. Talking to your husband about your concerns could help them make changes in the relationship that matter.

What are your relationship goals?

One central question is at the heart of every question you ask yourself about leaving your husband: What do you want out of your relationship? If you and your husband have relationship goals that don’t match or are completely unaligned, it may be hard to build a strong foundation in the relationship. Sometimes, as much as you love one another, your wants, needs, and lifestyles simply aren’t compatible. Addressing your goals together can help each of you decide whether the relationship can be worked on or not.

The benefits of online therapy when considering divorce

Whether you have already decided to leave your husband or are considering giving your marriage another try, talking to a couples counselor at Regain can make the process more seamless. You can choose to go to therapy together as a couple or talk to a therapist on your own. You can interact with your counselor using a smart device and chat through video calls, phone calls, or in-app messaging. Whether you leave your marriage or try to save it, addressing your own mental wellness can be crucial. Coping with the potential end of a marriage can be so difficult that you struggle to make it out of bed in the morning. Online therapy allows you to still access the care you need from the comfort of your home. 

The efficacy of online therapy 

Individuals who have gone through divorce may experience mental or emotional turmoil in the days, weeks, and months, following the event. Online therapy has been shown to be beneficial for those who would like to heal from these emotions and move forward with their lives. In one study, researchers assessed the effectiveness of an internet-based platform for individuals going through divorce. They found that those participating in the study had fewer symptoms of anxiety, depression, and somatization. These findings show how online interventions can successfully improve the adverse mental health effects of divorce. 

Takeaway

Deciding to leave your husband can be a challenging choice to make. While you may be uncertain about what’s to come, it is often helpful to plan for as many “what ifs” as possible during this process. Having a plan in place can be beneficial for emotional, financial, and safety related reasons. If children are involved, preparing in advance can become even more vital. Some marital issues can be worked through, particularly with the help of a couples counselor. However, other problems might be too big to overcome, and in some cases, leaving may be the wisest option. Discussing your thoughts and feelings with an online therapist can help you make the healthiest decision for you.