I'm In Love with Someone Who Isn't My Spouse. What Do I Do?

Is my marriage over?

No matter what your feelings are, there is hope for your marriage. You have not betrayed your partner by simply having feelings for another person. You have done nothing to harm your spouse as long as your feelings don't progress to dates and infidelity. Experiencing romantic feelings for someone other than your spouse is common; one recent poll reported that 20 percent of adults in a relationship have feelings for someone else.

That doesn't mean that 20 percent of adults are acting on those feelings, though. Experiencing attraction for another person while married is acceptable, but following through on those feelings and engaging in an affair certainly isn't. One study indicated that most people who develop feelings for someone other than their partner never communicate those feelings to the person of interest. The same study also found that almost none of the participants expected their feelings to develop into intimate encounters or relationships.

Merely fantasizing about someone other than a spouse is even more common. Research indicates that 98 percent of men and 80 percent of women have fantasized about someone other than their partner in the last two months. Attraction among coworkers is also frequent. Evidence suggests that nearly half of those surveyed have a work spouse or someone with whom they are a close friend and behave in a manner similar to a married couple.

Managing your feelings

Crushes and initial romantic attraction can be intense. In the early stages of a crush, chemicals in the brain go haywire, leading to an intense desire to be near the target of the crush. You may experience intrusive thoughts or fantasies about the person. Since you are in a committed relationship, those feelings may also come with guilt.

It is difficult to wish away romantic feelings with willpower alone. Battling the feeling of a crush can be difficult, and a persistent crush may indicate underlying issues that need to be addressed. According to relationship expert Damona Hoffman, there are a few things you can do to make the process easier.

Set firm boundaries with yourself

Setting firm boundaries with a person for whom you have feelings begins with you, not them. Remind yourself that your crush is internal; the fantasy of a relationship is not realistic. Every person idealizes their crush when they first develop feelings for them. The ideas you form about who your crush is as a person are not accurate; you haven't gotten enough time to know them.

Set a firm boundary with yourself not to risk your marriage based on inaccurate, hormone-driven feelings. Consciously promise yourself not to pursue your crush. Remind yourself that the crush is likely not mutual – the person whom you have feelings for is not being affected like you are.

Analyze your feelings

Think about your feelings for your crush analytically. Understand what you like about them and why you feel the way that you do. Most people develop feelings for romantic partners based on their needs, and understanding where your feelings come from can give you important insight into your own needs and desires.

Then, take time to think about what you don't like about your crush. Initial feelings of romantic attraction cause most people to look at potential partners through rose-colored glasses; flaws and red flags are ignored while positive and attractive features are amplified. Approaching the feelings rationally helps you understand the parts of your crush you don't like, which can help the feelings fade. Logically analyzing your crush takes you out of the fantasy and back to reality.  

Analyze your marriage

Analyzing your marriage helps you understand what may be lacking in your relationship with your spouse. You can compare your analysis of your crush to your analysis of your marriage and reach insightful conclusions by noting what you are attracted to in your crush but not your spouse. For example, if your crush is a particularly good listener, it may be the case that your spouse often leaves you feeling unheard.

Working on your marriage

Many people talk about bringing the "spark" back to their marriage through grand acts of romance and passion. Passion is undoubtedly important, but the underlying feelings of connectedness and intimacy are based on trust, compassion, and empathy. Bringing the spark back to your marriage starts with ensuring the relationship has a solid foundation.

Developing feelings for someone other than your spouse happens to most people, but it can still signal that certain areas of your marriage need some work. It's easy for spouses to fall into routines that don't allow for much romance or quality time, and there may be specific needs that aren't being met by one or both parties. Working on your marriage can often completely resolve your feelings for someone other than your spouse.

Increase thoughtful communication

Good communication is essential for a healthy marriage. If you believe that you and your spouse already have excellent communication skills, try to increase the frequency of communication. Make sure you sit down and have warm, empathetic conversations regularly. If you suspect that your thoughtful communication can be improved, try this:

• Make sure to address small issues. Minor misunderstandings or unintentional slights can build up over time. If your partner is doing things that lead to resentment, bring it up to them calmly and constructively. It can be tempting to avoid conflict by dismissing small annoyances, but they still build up over time.
• Be positive in communication. Most people understand the importance of bringing criticism to their spouse in a healthy, constructive way. Fewer people understand the importance of praising the things they enjoy about their partner. Don't focus too heavily on criticism; make sure you reward your partner for the things you appreciate about them.
• Stay focused when arguing. Focus on getting to the root of the argument. Avoid "sub-arguments" or arguing about issues that come up during the argument. Stick to the original topic.
• E-mail can help. Face-to-face communication can be challenging, especially if there are emotionally-charged issues to discuss. However, you can bypass the difficult conversation and still communicate with your partner in writing. If you and your spouse have a challenging problem to discuss, try e-mailing your spouse and discussing the issue in writing.

Increase non-sexual intimacy

Spending quality time with your partner is necessary for a strong romantic connection. Take time for emotional communication about topics other than your marriage. Deep conversations, shared secrets, and letting your partner openly express their feelings are all excellent methods to increase the strength of your connection.

Try new things with your spouse, like reading a book together or taking a class. Learning new things together strengthens the bond between partners, as does working toward a common goal. Sharing a hobby, building something together, or even working on household chores are great ways to increase your connection to your spouse.

Should my spouse and I see a counselor?

If your feelings for someone other than your spouse are related to issues within your marriage, a couples counselor can help, even if your concerns are minor. If your schedule is tight, you and your partner can try meeting with a couples counselor online. Online counseling is a convenient way to access therapy without leaving your home and burdening your schedule with travel. Online therapists use the same evidence-based techniques as traditional therapists, which are just as effective when administered online.