Is It Normal To Have Feelings For Someone Else While Married?

When you commit to marriage, you make a vow to stay with your partner for life. Together, you agree to take care of each other, listen to each other’s needs, and spend a lifetime loving each other.

But what happens if you start to develop feelings for someone outside your marriage – and is this a “normal” phenomenon? 

In general, research suggests that crushes and sparks of interest are normal, but they can become problematic when you choose to pursue them – especially when they conflict with the commitment you made to your married partner. 

If you notice you’re developing feelings for someone outside your marriage, the following facts and strategies can help you navigate these emotions and strengthen your bond with your spouse.

Is it normal to have crushes while married?

A “crush” might seem like a juvenile term, but it’s normal to experience crushes well into adulthood. These feelings may be sexual or romantic and can be felt multiple times across your lifespan. Researchers have found that it’s perfectly natural to develop crushes – sometimes, even when you’re married. 

While these feelings are normal, they can also make you feel guilty and confused. If you’re feeling this way, it’s important to recognize that this is a more common situation than many people realize or discuss openly. When we enter a marriage, we’re still human – which means we’re likely to find other people appealing or interesting, even if we’re not in a committed relationship with them. 

How to move on from a crush while married

If you’re navigating a crush while married, accepting your humanness – and progressing through the following five steps – can help you communicate more openly about these tricky feelings. Ideally, you’ll emerge from the conversation with a deeper understanding of both yourself and your partner.

1. Acknowledge your feelings

Feeling intrigued or excited by someone – in other words, having a crush – is a common human experience. Even if you’re already in a committed relationship, you may develop crushes from time to time. 

To move on from these feelings, the first step is to acknowledge their reality, rather than ignore or hide them from your spouse. Crushes are a part of human biology: after all, our brains are designed to connect and relate to other people. 

Sometimes, however, those instincts can threaten the vows we made during marriage. While our crushes are real and sometimes powerful, we have the knowledge to understand them – and to prevent ourselves from acting on them. 

To overcome any feelings of shame or guilt, consider talking about your crush with a friend, therapist, or another trusted person. In addition to normalizing the crush, these conversations can hold you accountable and encourage you to reflect before acting on your feelings.

2. Set clear boundaries

After you’ve acknowledged your feelings for someone outside your marriage, the next step is to set firm boundaries. The person of interest might be a coworker, neighbor, or fellow student; whatever the case, remember that feelings tend to grow when we invest more time and energy into them. 

If the feelings are overwhelming, it may be best to limit contact with your crush and avoid situations where you might be tempted to cross the line between friendship and flirtation. For example, you may find that your feelings intensify when you talk to your crush after work or spend alone time with them during lunch. In response, you can set appropriate boundaries that reflect your commitment to your married partner. 

3. Communicate with your primary partner

At first, you might confide in a trusted friend or loved one about your crush. But if the crush persists, you may want to inform your spouse about your feelings – even if it feels uncomfortable, awkward, or like an act of betrayal.

By sharing your feelings, you can start a more open, honest, and intimate dialogue with your partner. Of course, if you don’t feel comfortable or ready to tell your partner, a trusted friend or therapist can be an excellent resource. But if you feel safe sharing these feelings with your partner, this conversation may become a shared opportunity to reflect on the quality of your marriage, and your goals moving forward.

While crushes are rooted in human biology, the associated feelings may intensify if you’re “missing” something in your marriage. For instance, you might desire more quality time with your spouse, words of affirmation, or physical intimacy. Crushes don’t necessarily reflect the quality of your marriage, but they can serve as reminders to check in with your partner and ensure both of your needs are being met.

4. Define cheating

The definition of “cheating” can vary widely among married couples, and even within a single marriage. Your partner may view flirting as cheating itself, or at least a gateway to riskier behaviors that could result in betrayal. Other couples may opt for consensual non-monogamy, which can empower married partners to explore intimacy beyond their primary partnership. 

Regardless of how you define and structure your marriage, make an ongoing effort to understand, clarify, and respect your partner’s wishes. Together, you may decide to explore potential connections and opportunities outside your marriage. Alternatively, you may channel any flirty or sexual energy into your marriage and explore new forms of physical intimacy. 

With commitment and ongoing communication, married couples can establish a dynamic that works for both partners and even takes their connection to the next level.

5. Pay attention to potential warning signs

In small doses, crushes can be harmless and even encourage role playing or sexual fantasies with your married partner. However, if you constantly compare your crush to your spouse, or notice that your crushes intensify during difficult times in your marriage, it may be time to enlist the help of a licensed therapist. 

Strengthen your marriage in online therapy

While some couples prefer in-person therapy, many partners are now using online therapy platforms like Regain to improve their relationships and mental health. Online therapy is typically more affordable and accessible, especially for individuals and partners who are balancing careers, families, and other personal obligations. All Regain therapists have at least three years of professional experience and specific interest in relationship therapy. Whether you’re experiencing feelings for someone outside your marriage or searching for direction in your dating life, a qualified therapist is ready to guide you.

Several studies suggest that online interventions can be just as effective as face-to-face therapy, including a 2022 review of four online couple relationship education (CRE) programs. The researchers found that skills-based CRE programs can improve couples’ relationship satisfaction, commitment, confidence, and communication skills, based on data from over 2000 couples. While more research is needed to confirm the effectiveness of these programs, digital interventions can support couples without the transportation barriers, scheduling difficulties, and costs of in-person therapy.

Takeaway

Marriage can be a deeply satisfying commitment, but most married partners will encounter some bumps and surprises along the way. If you’re developing interest in someone outside your marriage, you’re not alone in these feelings. In fact, research shows that these crushes are natural, and that you can often navigate them by communicating openly with your partner. 

If you need a professional perspective to guide you through the process, online relationship therapists are equipped to help both you and your partner. Marriages take time, courage, and communication to maintain; but with professional help, you can rediscover the spark and begin the most rewarding phase of your relationship.