Is Marriage Overrated?

Updated October 22, 2024by Regain Editorial Team

If you’re in your 20s or 30s, you may feel like all your friends are getting married. Whether you’re single or in a committed relationship, the constant sound of wedding bells may cause you to ask some questions about your own future. Maybe you’re wondering if you should get married, too. 

Some people worry that there is something “wrong” with them if they aren’t married by a certain age and if they don’t want to be married at all. Or maybe you’re asking yourself, “Is marriage overrated?” If you’ve recently been pondering any of these questions, you’re not alone! In this article, we’ll explore the answers to these common questions and more.

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Marriage can be overrated for some and fulfilling for others

Why people think marriage is overrated

There are several reasons why people believe that marriage is overrated. It used to be that if you wanted to settle down with someone and start a family, you needed to get married. It was unacceptable to live with someone outside of marriage and a disgrace to have children out of wedlock. The world has become a more accepting place now.

Not only has it become commonplace for couples to live together without being married, but it's what many people are choosing to do. Among adults ages 18-44, 59% have cohabitated with an unmarried partner at some point in their lives, while only 50% have been married.

There are several different reasons why people think marriage is overrated, and they usually are tied to why they think people originally got married in the first place. Let’s explore common reasons why people believe marriage is overrated.

Gender roles have shifted

In days of old, men generally worked outside of the home or in the fields as farmers, and wives handled domestic matters like cooking and cleaning. They maintained the house, cared for the children, and made sure that everyone was well fed. The division of the work was split between the couple.

Things look different now. Many couples both work outside of the home. There are also stay-at-home dads and working moms, along with single parents who wear all the hats. Over the last several decades, women have worked to make great strides in proving that they could take care of themselves, and some of this has shifted the mindset and ideas that people had towards marriage.

Marriage is expensive

Ilona Titova/EyeEm

Then some people believe marriage is all about the wedding. They don't see a reason to spend thousands of dollars on a relationship they already maintain. They feel that they are just as connected and committed as a married couple without spending the money to throw a party for the enjoyment of their family and friends or by making things "official" with the government through marriage.

Not to mention, if they have any doubt about their relationship succeeding long-term, it's a lot more expensive to go through a divorce than it is to split up when you aren't married.

Marriage is not a prerequisite for having children

Not only do you not have to be married to have a child, but you also don't even need to have a partner. You can adopt or conceive with a sperm donor. In the past, wanting to become a parent motivated some people to want to get married. Now, there are plenty of people who are parents and unmarried. Many even live together as a family unit, but there isn't a marriage certificate connecting the parents.

Many marriages don’t last

Some people have given up on the idea of marriage because they see the high divorce rate numbers and don't think that marriage can work. They may have come from a broken home where they saw how difficult a divorce truly is, and it's the last thing that they want to go through themselves.

If you hear that 50% of all marriages end in divorces and the percentages increase for second and third marriages, it's easy to think that marriage is overrated. Why should you go through all the hassle if it isn't going to work anyway?

Marriage is not always overrated

Not all people should buy into the belief that marriage is overrated. For many people, marriage is an extremely fulfilling journey. Is marriage perfect? No. Is it something that you have to invest time into and effort into? Yes. But is it worth it in the end? It certainly can be.

Marriage isn't perfect, and it is hard. The divorce rates prove it. People don't get married to get divorced in the future, but so many couples find themselves there anyway. While you don't have to be one of them, it may also be worth considering the viewpoint that positive outcomes can stem from a divorce.  

Real commitment comes from the heart; if you and your partner don’t have a foundation of deep love and trust, it’s probably not a good idea to marry them. Sadly, however, many people make this mistake, hoping that the seriousness of a legal commitment will create the abiding love and trust they lack. Of course, it’s important to remember that a legally binding document does not inherently create a real commitment.

Every relationship is hard from time to time. When you're legally bound, it's not as easy to throw in the towel, which means there is a better chance that you both decide to try working on it instead of calling it quits.

Not getting married doesn't reduce your chance of splitting up. As shared earlier, statistics show that the percentage of people who have lived with more than one person without being married has continued to increase. So, if you think that you're reducing your chance of splitting up by not putting marriage pressure on the relationship, you're possibly wrong. Splitting up is easier to do when you're not married because you don't have to go through the legal process, meaning that you're more likely to stay together if you've both committed to doing so.

All things consider, strive not to trick yourself into thinking that it will be emotionally easier to separate if you're unmarried. The end of a relationship can be damaging regardless if you're married. Trying to avoid that pain by not getting married but still being in a committed relationship may not help you in the long run.

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Marriage can be overrated for some and fulfilling for others

Do you have a fear of marriage?

Although this is not the case for everyone, some people may say they believe marriage is overrated as a cover for their true feelings. That’s because, deep down, some people are afraid of getting married. Whether you’re afraid that love won’t last or that your partner may leave you, you’re not alone. 

It's true that marriage is a big commitment and that it’s a decision you should take seriously. But it’s not necessarily something which you should fear. Instead of swearing off marriage completely, you can collaborate with a therapist to help work past the things that scare you about marriage. A trained therapist can help you identify where your underlying beliefs stem from and learn how to change your thoughts and fears around marriage. You can take these steps in person with therapy sessions or through talking with an online therapist. This is true whether you're currently married or just thinking about the idea.

Remember, marriage is neither inherently good nor bad. It's how you handle your marriage that determines your experience as a married person. People can have a good marriage when they focus on the important things and learn the right skills and strategies. Success is all about what you choose to focus on and how you choose to invest your time.

Online therapy for marriage concerns

If you expect your relationship to be good simply because you're married, you're likely going to be disappointed. However, if you realize that good marriages take time and energy to make successful, you may be rewarded in the end. This can be a learning process that a counselor can help you with if you're struggling.

Online therapy platforms like Regain allow users to schedule appointments at times that are compatible with their schedules, which can be advantageous for couples in long-distance relationships who would like to attend therapy together. You can meet virtually with your dedicated therapist from any location with a safe internet connection and even text them directly if you have pressing concerns.

Couples seek therapy – including online therapy – for a variety of reasons, and often with a goal to improve their overall relationship health and satisfaction. In one study, researchers found that therapy conducted via videoconferencing produced comparable positive outcomes to face-to-face therapy for participating couples. A post-intervention increase in relationship adjustment and satisfaction was reported across both cohorts, in addition to reductions in symptoms of depression, anxiety, and stress.

Takeaway

Should you get married? Should you not get married? Your answer, whatever it is, is okay. You deserve the opportunity to explore either scenario in a safe space with someone who will support you in a nonjudgmental manner. Marriage is not right for everyone, but for many people, it can be a catalyst for personal growth and fulfillment. If you’d like to discuss the pros and cons of getting married with a licensed relationship therapist, you can reach out to Regain at your convenience.

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