Is Staying Married For The Kids The Right Thing To Do?

You and your partner want to split up, but you've heard the statistics on how hard divorce is on kids. Or maybe you dealt with the difficulty of seeing your parents get divorced. The last thing that you want is to cause your child pain. So, you decide that staying in the marriage for the kids' sake is the way to go. But is it?

Reasons couples think staying for the kids is right

When you add children into a marriage, it changes everything—often in many, many positive ways. On the other hand, having children may cause some couples to struggle as they navigate their new life as parents.

If you're unhappy in your marriage or believe that you have an unhealthy marriage, getting divorced might seem like a solution worth considering. And, when it's just the two of you, it's a common solution to your marriage problem if you both want out (although that doesn't mean it's easy or even the right solution). However, once you have children, things become much more complicated. You have got to ask yourself, "What does divorce mean for my kids? How much damage will this do?" Divorce no longer means simply dividing your assets and walking away, possibly never having to live with each other ever again.

With children in the picture, divorce means figuring out what's best for the children. Who will they live with? How much time will you each get with the kids? Who will pay for things like school field trips, braces, or the unexpected broken arm? When your children are small, these are questions you and your partner will mainly need to answer on your own. However, when your children are older, they're going to want a say—and should have a say—in where they're going and who they are spending more time with.

It can easily begin to seem like staying together for the kids may be the right thing to do. Here are some of the reasons why parents might reach that conclusion:

• It allows the kids to have both parents in their daily lives.
• They have someone to help with the parenting responsibilities.
• They think that they're keeping their child from experiencing hurt and pain.
• They've read about the effects on children with divorced parents and don't want their children to go down the same path.
• The finances will be easier to manage when caring for the kids.

Your marriage is an example to your children

You've probably heard that children are always watching and learning. Even if you think that they aren't, they are. They notice far more than we think they do. And just like with everything else, they're watching your marriage. In the article Parents are Powerful Role Models for Children, Karen Stephens writes, "And while it is true that children of divorced families are more likely to divorce, it is also true that children of happily married parents tend to find the same happiness in adult relationships."

If you're trying to stay together simply while you raise the kids together, you're giving them a poor example of what marriage should look like. Besides, most couples in this situation work to hide the fact that their marriage is struggling from their children. By doing this, your children learn to think that your marriage is what marriage is supposed to look like when the reality is a farce.

Consider your marriage for a minute. If you are contemplating divorce, it's probably not the type of marriage you hope your children find as adults. So, why would you want to model that type of marriage for them?

If you choose the "staying in the marriage for the kids" option, it makes sense to improve your marriage. This would allow your children to have a good example of what a healthy marriage looks like. Don't simply choose to stay married so they have both parents in one house, only to give them the example of a bad marriage where the parents live separate lives anyway. What children see modeled is often what they tend to follow.

When you should not stay together for the kids

If your marriage is abusive, you will do more for your children by ending the marriage than keeping their parents together. This includes physical abuse, sexual abuse, verbal abuse, and emotional abuse. No form of abuse should ever be tolerated.

If you are facing or witnessing abuse of any kind, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available. Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or Text "START" to 88788. You can also use the online chat.

Staying in an abusive marriage for your children puts them at severe risk. According to the Office on Women's Health, "Many children exposed to violence in the home are also victims of physical abuse. Children who witness domestic violence or are victims of abuse are at serious risk for long-term physical and mental health problems. Children who witness violence between parents may also be at greater risk of being violent in their future relationships."

So, what should you do?       

If staying together for the kids isn't the right thing to do, and you don't want to hurt them by splitting up, what's the best option?

Learn how to fix your marriage

Easier said than done, right? Marriage isn't something that comes easily for many couples. You and your spouse may have come into the marriage with different examples of what marriage should look like and may have different expectations for your marriage now.

Many different things can lead a married couple to think about divorce, including:

• No longer feeling "in love" with your spouse
• Extramarital affairs
• Feeling neglected or ignored
• Differences in parenting styles
• Financial struggles

While there are many reasons to get divorced, you don't necessarily have to so long as no abuse is present. Instead of splitting up your marriage, you can decide to work on it first. If you are thinking about staying together for your children, you should also think about showing your children what a healthy marriage looks like.

Improve your communication skills

Learn how to improve the way that you communicate with your spouse. This could include learning to be a better listener and to say what you mean. Communication is important in every relationship, so learning these skills might not just help your marriage, but they can also help you communicate better with your children.

In Love" to "in love

If you've lost that loving feeling for your spouse, you can find it again. But you may have to work hard at it, or you may find you have truly fallen out of love.

Take some time to think about what you used to do for your spouse when you felt like you loved them. How did you talk to them? What did you do for them? What actions were different on your part? Then, start doing those things again.

You don't have to feel love for your spouse to do loving things for them. And there's a chance that once you start to treat them in this way again, they will notice. They might even begin to do the same for you. Eventually, those feelings that you thought were long gone might start to resurface. And even if they don't, you're showing your children a good example of how to treat a spouse.

Give marriage counseling a try

If your marriage is struggling and you aren't sure what to do, you might try couples counseling through Regain. Your counselor can help you navigate the rough waters that you find yourself in. You can discover the real problems in your marriage and take steps to improve them. Regain offers a convenient, affordable way for you and your partner to work together through any problems you are having. Therapists are available at a time and place that's convenient to you—anywhere there's an internet connection.

Online therapy has helped many people work on their relationships. No matter where you live, you can get support. This can be especially helpful if you've taken some time apart. The online nature of this therapy means you can all hop onto a video chat or a text message to talk things out.

What if your spouse isn't interested?

If your spouse isn't interested in staying in the marriage and is unwilling to do anything to improve the situation, it might be best to go your separate ways. For example, if your spouse is abusive or has an affair and doesn't plan to change their behavior, it's not worth your time or effort to stay in the relationship. At that point, you're doing more for your children by showing them the value of standing up for yourself. 

Takeaway

Whether you want to try to work on your marriage or you think it's too far gone, talking to a therapist can help both you and your children through this difficult time. A therapist can help you learn to improve your marriage or help you recover from the pain and hurt that a divorce causes. Plus, having your child meet with a child therapist can help them work through their feelings during this time.

Staying together for the kids may be the right decision if you plan to do something to improve your marriage. If you're doing it to keep both parents living in the same house, you may not be helping the situation as much as you think you are. Find what will be best for your children—whether that be working on the marriage or filing for divorce. Being happy in whatever situation you land on will be what helps your kids.