Why The Saying "Happy Wife Happy Life" Could Be Dangerous For Your Marriage

Updated October 4, 2024by Regain Editorial Team

There can be a lot of benefits to having a happy marriage. So, knowing that you want a happy marriage and life, you must try to figure out how to make it happen. Many people believe the saying "Happy Wife, Happy Life," but is there any truth to it? While this phrase may be said with pure or comical intentions, it can also be detrimental to a stable, happy marriage.

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Where did the saying "happy wife happy life" come from?

No one seems to know where the adage "happy wife happy life" came from. Some early mentions of it come from plays, and many people believe it started from a real estate ad. While we might not ever really know where it came from, there's no denying that many people believe it to be true. Further, the way that most people understand the saying "happy wife happy life" is that if you want to be content as a spouse, you better make sure to do whatever you have to do to keep your wife happy.

Could the saying "happy wife happy life" be true?

There are plenty of theories on why the saying "Happy wife, happy life" could be true. One of the beliefs is that if a wife is happy, they’ll be more willing to help their spouse achieve happiness. Maybe they’ll go out of their way to assist or serve their spouse or have an improved mood that makes them more enjoyable to be around.

A Rutgers study found what they believe is proof that the adage is true. They questioned couples on their overall happiness levels within their marriage and other areas of their lives. They found a correlation between the two, for both the husband and the wife. However, they also found that if the husband were sick, the wife's happiness level declined more, and the same didn't appear to be true for the husband.

The danger of this saying as a wife

As a wife, if you believe that this statement "happy wife happy life" is true, you might think that you can use it as an excuse to be selfish and get your way. If you and your spouse are in a disagreement over something, you could try to use this adage to sway them on why they should give in to you so you can be happy.

This might seem like a wise idea for the time being, but if you continue to do this to your spouse, you might experience consequences. If your spouse continually gives into your wishes or demands, they may become resentful over time. While you might be happy, they may not be, and this can lead them into feeling bitter. They might also begin to see you as selfish, which can erode your connection. Eventually, if you’re only focused on your own happiness, your spouse may feel that they could find someone else more giving.

The danger of this saying as a spouse

If you believe this saying as a spouse, you might begin to blame your wife for your state of contentment. Believing that your wife is responsible for how happy you are can cause you to blame them if you aren't happy with your life. This can put a lot of pressure on your wife to try to keep you happy. The more pressure you put on them, the less happy they may become—in turn, you might also experience less happiness.

If your wife is hard to please, you may begin to feel poorly about yourself or develop low self-esteem. You might even start to resent them and become interested in finding someone who is easier to please.

Further, consider situations in which your wife isn't happy, but you are happy in many other areas of your life. If you think that a happy wife is responsible for the other areas of your life, you might steal some of your own happiness simply because your wife isn't happy.

This belief could cause you to be unhappier in your job or hobbies because you are too focused on your wife's happiness. While it's natural for someone to want their wife to be happy, it doesn't mean that they should give up their own happiness if they are struggling with theirs. Keeping a positive attitude and encouraging one’s wife to seek happiness on their own could help both spouses move forward.

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What to do instead

Many things can impact the level of one's happiness. While your spouse can play a role in how happy you are with your life, they aren't in control of it. When you put someone else's mood and behavior in control of how your life goes, you are giving up freedom that is rightfully yours.

Your spouse is a human being. They are going to have good days, and they're going to have bad days. It's not their job to make you happy in your life. So, instead of focusing on "Happy wife, happy life," here are some things that you can do instead.

Take responsibility for your happiness

No matter which spouse you are in the relationship, it can be important to take responsibility for your own happiness. Try not to make it someone else’s responsibility because that isn’t fair to them. Happiness can be achieved regardless of life’s circumstances because it’s something that comes from within. Happiness is a choice that you can make for yourself.

Focus on your thought life

Your thoughts can play an important role in your mood and behavior. If you want to improve the level of happiness that you experience in life, it may help to focus on improving your thoughts. If you’re feeling unhappy with your marriage or another aspect of life, your thoughts surrounding those areas might need some work.

Take time to think about what you're thinking about. If you're an unhappy person, you might notice that your thoughts tend to be negative and unhappy as well. However, you can choose your thoughts and increase your level of happiness.

Learn what it takes to build a strong marriage

There is a lot more that goes into having a strong marriage and a happy life than your spouse's choice to live in joy. Spend some time learning what it takes to build a healthy marriage. Marriage can teach you many life skills, including:

Healthy communication
Gratitude
Building trust
Knowing you don't always have to agree
Forgiveness

Change how you look at the message

If you're stuck on the “happy wife happy life” adage, it may help to try changing how you think of it. Instead of relating the two together, think about them separately. We automatically read it to think that one equals the other, but that doesn't have to be true. They can be two separate goals.

Of course, most spouses want their partners to be happy and want to have a happy life themselves. That doesn't mean you can't have one without the other; and you can influence both. Looking for ways you and your spouse can grow and improve together can help ensure that each of you are happy within the marriage and with each other.

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Online counseling with Regain

If your marriage has hit a road bump or you and your spouse are struggling to find happiness together, online counseling could be constructive. Regain is an online platform that offers counseling for couples and individuals alike. You and your spouse can work on your communication skills and set goals as a couple. Regardless of your different schedules, you can connect with your therapist at a time that is convenient for both of you. Over time, you can learn how to improve your happiness individually and as a couple.

The efficacy of online counseling

Online counseling can be used to address a variety of concerns, including a lack of happiness. Researchers assessed the effectiveness of an online intervention focused on the tenants of positive psychology. They found that the intervention promoted quality of life and increased the psychological well-being of participants. This speaks to the efficacy of online therapy, particularly when compared to face-to-face options.

Counselor reviews

“Sessions with Natalie are very insightful and give practical advice on implementing new habits and changes. Be prepared to engage and be challenged to think in a different way. I know that my partner and I can already see improvements in our relationship and feel more positive about working through our issues together.”

“Cris Roman saved my marriage. His approach to therapy taught my husband and I the skills we needed to change the way we communicated and the way we understood each other. He is very non-judgemental and helps each person make sense of the others' feelings and actions without taking sides or placing blame. His ability to make you feel heard while helping you to see and understand why your significant other is acting a certain way is phenomenal.”

Takeaway

The phrase “happy wife, happy life” may be common, but it can also be detrimental to a marriage. Marriages are built on experiences and intimacy, and it can be vital for each spouse to value how their partner is feeling. The health and future of a marriage does not rest on one spouse alone, but on both of them together. For this reason, finding ways for each individual to find contentment can be important. Those struggling with an unhappy marriage may benefit from online counseling. Therapy is a personal experience, and not everyone will go into it seeking the same things. Keeping these things in mind can ensure that you will get the most out of online therapy, regardless of your specific goals.

Frequently asked questions (FAQs)

What does a happy wife's happy life mean?

The phrase “happy wife, happy life” is most often used to suggest that a marriage will be well-maintained and enjoyable if a partner makes their wife happy first and foremost. This bit of advice, "happy wife happy life," is usually seen as an antiquated offering; after all, having a happy life is your responsibility, not the responsibility of your wife or your partner, right? This advice is usually offered as something of a joke or a silly piece of advice, rather than a serious, important piece of wisdom delivered to newly wedded people.

Happy wife, happy life might also mean that your marriage is far better off if the woman you are married to believes in having a happy life—even if you are not necessarily bending over backward to make that happiness happen. Although the phrase “happy wife, happy life” often suggests that spouses are responsible for making their wives happy (which, consequently, will provide them with a happy life), this has not been supported by research. Women can be happy independently of their spouses, and spouses can still reap the benefits of this happiness.

Happy wife, happy life is an adage, and most people who are married have heard "happy wife happy life" some variation of this phrase in their marriages. Although it can be a silly or glib piece of advice, some people might take the advice to heart and neglect their own happiness to support the happiness of their wives. While this could make the wife happy, it could also result in the other spouse feeling resentful and neglected.

Where does a happy wife's happy life come from?

The precise origin of the phrase “happy wife, happy life” is not known. Many different people have claimed it, but research into the actual origin is thin and inconclusive. Although the exact origin remains unknown, the meaning of “happy wife, happy life” is straightforward: a happy wife can predict the happiness of marriage overall or the happiness of their spouse. While this may not be backed by research, it’s something some people believe in.

When did the saying happy wife happy life start?

Because the origin of the phrase "happy wife happy life" is largely unknown, the exact time of its origin is also obscured. Some sources attribute it to song lyrics from a musical developed in 1979, while others suggest a comedian in the 1980s delivered it. Regardless of its exact origin, the saying, “Happy wife, happy life,” is not a particularly old one, despite its seemingly colloquial nature. Most sources suggest it is 50-60 years old at the most and has often been used in marketing materials that are, by their nature, designed to manipulate more than they are designed to deliver truth or wisdom.

The allure of the phrase “happy wife, happy life” might be due in part to its seemingly aged wisdom. People frequently like to look back at periods in U.S. history that seemed marked by decreased crime and picture-perfect lives—even if these lives were far from how they are frequently portrayed. “Happy wife, happy life” has been such an enduring phrase, perhaps because it seems to harken back to a “simpler time.” Despite its seemingly aged wisdom of "happy wife happy life," however, it has been established that the phrase is only 40-50 years old and is more often delivered with a hint of humor than it is offered as a legitimate path toward becoming a happy husband and experiencing lasting life satisfaction.

If the phrase "happy wife happy life" did actually begin in the 1980s as some have claimed, it was actually delivered as part of a comedy set, suggesting that women are the home decision-makers that either provide marital bliss or marital misery. The comedy bit goes something like this: if the wife is happy, everyone is happy. If the wife is miserable, they will make everyone miserable. Although it was said in jest, the term may have introduced a problematic concept with a lasting legacy—a legacy that is regarded as both entertaining and true. Though it may seem, ultimately, happy life is created when two partners devote their time and energy to their partners.

What does the Bible say about a happy wife's happy life?

The phrase "happy wife happy life," though it is often circulated in Judeo-Christian religious circles, is not actually based on biblical advice. Instead, biblical advice more often addresses both halves of marriage and encourages spouses to prioritize their marriage and partners. Rather than upholding views that suggest spouses should place all of their marital emphasis on creating a happy wife, happy husband, or even a happy marriage, the Bible usually encourages marital partners to honor one another and respect and listen to one another. As a whole, the Bible focuses less on how to make lives happy and focuses more on how to live with honor or live according to a certain creed.

Rather than offering advice on keeping your husband happy or keeping your wife happy, the Bible instead focuses on behaving in a way that is considered Godly. It views marriage as an institution used to bond people together, create families, and strengthen communities. Marriage is less about making lives happy and is more about creating a stable and consistent infrastructure for societies to function and thrive.

Although many pieces of conventional wisdom are attributed to the Bible, making your wife happy and consequently making your life happy is not among them. Many biblical leaders have taken on the phrase as though it is based on Biblical fact, but there are not many passages in the Bible that encourage people to adhere to the supposed wisdom of the phrase.

How can you make your wife happy?

This question is more likely to be answered accurately by asking your wife directly. The key to happiness of your wife is often less about completing a specific set of predetermined rules and far more about listening to your wife—attending to their needs, giving them space when they need it, and treating them with care and respect. If you are truly eager to make your wife happy, avoid lists of relationship rules, and instead opt for general relationship suggestions supported by psychological studies, including:

Keep communication going strong. Communication is one of the bedrocks of a strong relationship, and it is an invaluable tool in maintaining a happy relationship. Communicate with your wife to best determine how to help keep your marriage happy—but make sure you also communicate your own needs.
Make time for your relationship. Making time for your relationship is another necessary component in creating a happy marriage because it focuses on both you and your wife and the relationship you’ve created together.
Keep affection alive. Physical touch is an important part of all relationships, not just romantic relationships. Maintaining consistent shows of affection in your relationship is one of the simplest ways to maintain marital happiness.

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